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Picking your battles...let this one go?


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H is very social and is always going to the gym after work with friends, work HHs, parties, family events, HHs and events with friends. Our entire relationship I have never told him no he/we couldn't go to something.

 

About a month ago some friend from work invited H to an event one weekend. For the first time ever, I told H no, he couldn't go. He promised me that on that weekend he would go shopping for baby furniture with me. We cannot reschedule that shopping trip because he is busy every weekend after that for 2 months, and then it will be the holidays and we will be busy then too.

 

I checked the calendar and said that the Saturday before that he could go to this other event if he wanted. H said that he texted his friend and he wasn't free that weekend. I said OK, if you cancel this other thing you're doing weekend X or weekend Y and promise to not cancel on me again he could go. H said no, he just wouldn't go; it wasn't that big of a deal.

 

Last night we were out to dinner with his family and it somehow came out that H is going to this other event next weekend. I said, no, we're going shopping and you declined the invitation? He tried to make it sound like we had miscommunicated, and then tried to say that I am the one who is confused because I have "pregnancy brain".

 

I let it drop because I didn't want to get into an argument in front of his family, but I tried to talk to him about it afterward because I feel like he manipulated me and lied to me. I also don't think it was a coincidence that this came out while we were with his family. He is sticking to his story that I am just confused, so talking to him didn't get me anywhere.

 

I am 100% sure that I am not confused about this. H told me that shopping for furniture was more important and he was not going to this event.

 

The other thing is that he said we will go shopping tonight when he is free. I am pretty sure that he is hoping that tonight I won't feel like going and will say never mind, because after being out doing other stuff all day he is not going to feel like going furniture shopping on Sunday night. I plan on taking a nap this afternoon and making him go anyways.

 

Should I let this drop?

Edited by dogeared
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I wouldn't get divorced over it but I would have another conversation about it, calmly. You are bringing a baby into this marriage -- a baby you created together. Is he still going to disappear leaving you to basically be a single mom while he's out socializing once the baby is born?

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Yeah it sounds like he's playing games with you. My first question is why does he want to go to the event so badly? And I assume you're not attending the event with him?

 

So, you're having a baby with this man and he really doesn't seem on board with it at all. That's the way it appears to me, but I may be wrong. Not sure.

 

I have to say that something you mentioned got under my skin. I really dislike the "I rarely tell him no" or "I told him no" statements. This concept of allowing a spouse to do or not do something is a pet peeve of mine. Whenever I hear things from a man like, "My wife won't let me play golf on Sundays", it really makes me cringe. You're not his mother and if you and your husband can't discuss things like adults, then that could be why he's playing games with you. Even though as you say, you rarely tell him no, I think there's a parent/child dynamic going on here.

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Yeah it sounds like he's playing games with you. My first question is why does he want to go to the event so badly? And I assume you're not attending the event with him?

 

So, you're having a baby with this man and he really doesn't seem on board with it at all. That's the way it appears to me, but I may be wrong. Not sure.

 

I have to say that something you mentioned got under my skin. I really dislike the "I rarely tell him no" or "I told him no" statements. This concept of allowing a spouse to do or not do something is a pet peeve of mine. Whenever I hear things from a man like, "My wife won't let me play golf on Sundays", it really makes me cringe. You're not his mother and if you and your husband can't discuss things like adults, then that could be why he's playing games with you. Even though as you say, you rarely tell him no, I think there's a parent/child dynamic going on here.

I have no idea why he wants to go to this thing so badly. A couple of months ago he was always complaining about how all his co-workers are idiots (he's worked at the same company for 15 years, and he goes through phases where he gets really annoyed by people at work), and now the last couple of weeks all of a sudden he's going to work HHs and things. I am not invited. When H brought it up he said something about he didn't think it was appropriate for a pregnant person, or I wouldn't like it because I'm pregnant, something like that.

 

Can you expand on the parent/child dynamic thing?

 

We both always check with each other before making plans for a variety of reasons. In this specific instance, I assume that H either had forgotten to put the shopping trip on his calendar and was double checking we didn't have plans, or else he had it there and was hoping I would say he didn't have to go with me.

Edited by dogeared
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So, you're having a baby with this man and he really doesn't seem on board with it at all. That's the way it appears to me, but I may be wrong. Not sure.

 

 

As far as this, I actually had been feeling the same way. He wasn't helping me look for and research daycares, which in this area all have a year+ wait list, so that was stressing me out and making me mad.

 

He also wasn't helping me research and compare baby products, figure out what things we need, etc.

 

And then he would give me a hard time for not downloading some stupid baby app for my phone that he had downloaded :roll eyes:

 

I kept asking him to help and get involved, until he finally got mad that I was "implying he wasn't invested in this pregnancy", and now he is helping.

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Can you expand on the parent/child dynamic thing?

 

We both always check with each other before making plans for a variety of reasons. In this specific instance, I assume that H either had forgotten to put the shopping trip on his calendar and was double checking we didn't have plans, or else he had it there and was hoping I would say he didn't have to go with me.

 

Yes, married people should talk to one another about their plans, consult with one another to make sure it's not interfering with mutual plans, and to keep each other informed of their whereabouts. But I'm talking about this concept of "letting" a partner do, or not do, something. It's a backwards way of looking at things. When that happens between people, it's usually because one spouse treats the other like a child. Parents "let" their kids do things; it has no place in a marriage.

 

Your husband's comment about the event not bring appropriate for a pregnant woman is really lame, although I have no idea what an HH is. His behavior is questionable, at best.

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sounds like H isn't ready to be a dad just yet. his social calendar will change 100% when your baby comes along, so you'd better to start teaching him some lessons about that now. i would certainly start pushing for more of H's time and not be so considerate of his schedule. you and the baby and the upcoming family should be his first choice and you've got issues already if he's putting fun and friends before baby prep.

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Arrrrrgggghh :mad:

 

And now he just texted me that his dad is coming to "drop off" vegetables right when we are supposed to go shopping. He won't tell his dad no! And now I doubt we're going to have time to go, because his dad isn't going to drive 45 minutes here and then just leave.

 

On a separate note, his parents keep trying to give us vegetables (for the baby) and I keep telling them NO, because I have been having a really bad aversion to vegetables - the thought, taste, texture, and smell of them make me physically sick. Forcing them down doesn't do any good if they come right back up. t just told his mother no thank you 3 days ago.

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Yes, married people should talk to one another about their plans, consult with one another to make sure it's not interfering with mutual plans, and to keep each other informed of their whereabouts. But I'm talking about this concept of "letting" a partner do, or not do, something. It's a backwards way of looking at things. When that happens between people, it's usually because one spouse treats the other like a child. Parents "let" their kids do things; it has no place in a marriage.

 

Your husband's comment about the event not bring appropriate for a pregnant woman is really lame, although I have no idea what an HH is. His behavior is questionable, at best.

 

I see what you're saying, thanks for explaining.

 

HH is happy hour.

 

I agree the comment about this other event not being appropriate for a pregnant person is lame, but I didn't really care, since I have never heard of any of the people going or the person who invited him, so I don't care to go anyways.

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Can you ask your FIL to go baby furniture shopping? Even though your ILs aren't listening about not giving you veggies they are doing it out of love 7 concern because they want to be involved so make them your allies.

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Can you ask your FIL to go baby furniture shopping? Even though your ILs aren't listening about not giving you veggies they are doing it out of love 7 concern because they want to be involved so make them your allies.

 

Not this time - his dad is in his 70s and shouldn't drive after dark, and to be honest I don't feel like spending an hour and a half driving him and his car home and then coming home after shopping.

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If it were me, I'd go shopping by myself whenever I was ready to go. If you really want to drive the point home, go at a time when he thinks you'll be home and when he asks you about it, tell him it must be that time of the month for him since he didn't remember you were going.

 

If your husband wants to play these games with you, stop buying into them. Just go shopping and leave him out of it. I'm not into forcing anyone to do anything. If my husband wasn't totally thrilled about our baby or anything else that has to do with it, then I'd just go my merry way and forget about trying to coerce him into doing anything.

 

I personally think you have a problematic marriage and now that a baby has become a part of the picture, it has worsened things.

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I'm not into forcing anyone to do anything. If my husband wasn't totally thrilled about our baby or anything else that has to do with it, then I'd just go my merry way and forget about trying to coerce him into doing anything.

If I was complaining that H didn't want to take a painting class with me or something like that, I would agree with you.

 

Going furniture shopping isn't my idea of a good time either, but that doesn't change the fact that it needs to get done. I have suggested doing it online, H is the one that says it should be done in person.

 

I would rather spend my weekends going to my sister's beach house. But, sometimes in the face of larger responsibilities, we don't get to do the fun thing.

Edited by dogeared
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If my husband wasn't totally thrilled about our baby or anything else that has to do with it, then I'd just go my merry way and forget about trying to coerce him into doing anything.

 

I personally think you have a problematic marriage and now that a baby has become a part of the picture, it has worsened things.

 

Thinking about your last sentence.

 

But, back to the first part I quoted, H is very excited, and supportive, other than being slow to get on board with the things I've mentioned. I think he is probably just not realizing how little time we have to do some of these things, given wait lists, the fact that we have a bunch of out of town weddings this fall, and so.

 

He uses his PTO to take work off and come to every single doctor appointment. He emails my doctor questions. When I had an issue with the HMO (assigned me a doctor who is not currently working, so I see a new doctor every visit and have to give my history every time), he spent 3 hours on the phone getting me assigned to a new doctor. He makes me healthy snacks, rubs lotion on my belly, loves holding my belly and talking to baby, he's already read 3 baby books, etc.

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I would rather spend my weekends going to my sister's beach house. But, sometimes in the face of larger responsibilities, we don't get to do the fun thing.

 

Since your husband is the one insisting you go furniture shopping in person, tell him to cancel his weekend plans that he made by making a promise to you (don't phrase it that way). Explain that you are OK buying the furniture on line but that if he doesn't go with you as planned you are going to your sister's beach house & shopping from there. He can do whatever. Then stick to that plan.

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Poppygoodwill

I dunno...it sounds like he is engaged with the baby making process, from what you wrote. But this thing about the furniture....I keep wondering: what is she really bothered about? Think above and beyond the details of the furniture...are you worried that he won't be as committed as you feel he needs to be? Are you worried that he'll not be as available to you and the baby after the fact? Are you hurt that he doesn't understand and appreciate what your anxieties are around getting furniture for teh baby?

 

Sometimes it helps first to understand what we're really fighting for/about, and then talk to him about that, rather than the details. For instance: maybe you feel that having teh furniture selected and bought will be a simple thing to tick off your long and rather intimidating list of things to do in the face of the terrifying arrival of a first baby. So to you, it's about feeling that you've got the situation under control and that you're ready. If you explained that to him ("honey, getting the furniture taken care of would really put my mind at ease with being ready for the baby, which I find pretty scary as I have no idea what to really do") he might understand your feelings, rather than your 'demand' and just get it done. He doesnt' sound like a bad guy. We all come to meet big changes like this in our own way and time.

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whichwayisup

Take the vegetables and pass them off to some neighbours. Problem solved.

 

And, your husband needs to man up and BE a family man. Make you and what needs to be done before the baby comes a higher priority than hanging out with friends and socializing so much. You two decided together to go shopping and now he's balked on that, making it seem like a misunderstanding. BULL CRAP! He knows exactly what he is doing and being a selfish a.ss about it.

 

I would talk to him and just let him know that he's disappointed you and you feel like other things and people are more important to him than you and getting ready for the baby.

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H is very social and is always going to the gym after work with friends, work HHs, parties, family events, HHs and events with friends. Our entire relationship I have never told him no he/we couldn't go to something.

Sounds like the kind of lifestyle I lived when I was single. However, once married I scaled theses activities back to one or two nights a week. And once my wife was expecting, even less as our focus was on doing things together.

 

Do you think your H is going to flip a switch and turn into a family man once your child is born :confused: ? My wife didn't have to ask me to shop for baby furniture, we planned to do so as a couple and with much excitement involved.

 

Something is amiss here...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Sounds like the kind of lifestyle I lived when I was single. However, once married I scaled theses activities back to one or two nights a week. And once my wife was expecting, even less as our focus was on doing things together.

 

Do you think your H is going to flip a switch and turn into a family man once your child is born :confused: ? My wife didn't have to ask me to shop for baby furniture, we planned to do so as a couple and with much excitement involved.

 

Something is amiss here...

 

Mr. Lucky

We do a lot of those things together, if we are able to, and aside from going to the gym, other activities are 1-2 times a week - usually with his family or with other couples on weekends. Usually it is dinner, wedding events, birthdays, etc. Him going to HH or out with "the guys" every week all of a sudden is new. I guess I say he is the one who is social because it's almost always with his family or friends, and he always wants to go - whereas I don't mind turning down invitations once in awhile, and we probably only get together as a couple with my friends or family once a month or once every other month.

 

 

He did make sure that we were able to go furniture shopping, but I brought this topic up with him, in the context of, why is he all of a sudden doing this and does he see this continuing in the future.

Edited by dogeared
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