louise_23 Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 I cant take it. Weve been together two years. He is from another country. He is spending all our money and all his time off solely for his huge family, visiting them many times a year. After spending last Christmas with them, they have now invited themselves to Christmas with my family and he agreed without consulting me first. If I spend money on anything other than his family, he is annoyed. His family are telling him when where and how we should get married, when they expect us to have children, everything. I feel so suffocated. He wont accept my point of view that we simply cant afford these visits to this extent. They are taking every opportunity for us to save for our future and he agrees with them. I love him but what the hell should I do now?? I feel close to breaking point Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 Sit down & do the numbers together. Make a budget Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted August 24, 2014 Share Posted August 24, 2014 You have every reason to feel the way you do but if you try to negotiate this with him, he will probably only lie to you to get you to marry him and then go right back to what he has been doing. You are apparently dealing with a man from a very chauvinistic culture and you need to get yourself away from this guy. There is no reasoning with people like this, and there is no compromise. It doesn't matter how much you love him, you will detest him within one year of marriage, if not sooner. If you feel suffocated before marriage, what do you think it will be like later? I don't even have to guess. You can dodge this bullet by not going down that path in the first place. It will save you a lot of heartache. Maybe you can google what people write about marriages with people in whatever culture he's in. That should give you a lot of insight. Link to post Share on other sites
Author louise_23 Posted August 24, 2014 Author Share Posted August 24, 2014 You have every reason to feel the way you do but if you try to negotiate this with him, he will probably only lie to you to get you to marry him and then go right back to what he has been doing. You are apparently dealing with a man from a very chauvinistic culture and you need to get yourself away from this guy. There is no reasoning with people like this, and there is no compromise. It doesn't matter how much you love him, you will detest him within one year of marriage, if not sooner. If you feel suffocated before marriage, what do you think it will be like later? I don't even have to guess. You can dodge this bullet by not going down that path in the first place. It will save you a lot of heartache. Maybe you can google what people write about marriages with people in whatever culture he's in. That should give you a lot of insight. You're right about the chauvinistic country, hes from poland. Were actually together in poland now and have been for two weeks. Its probably why I feel so overwhelmed. Things at home are never like this, he doesnt often speak to them outside of all these visits. And hes different. He has a habit of asking me what's wrong and then walking off without listening to the answer. He just did this. I was trying to say to him this current trip has put quite alot of distance between us. We've visited three times so far and this third trip has successfully made me rethink my values on marriage and children. I no longer think he is serious material For tthese kinds of things. I dont want to break up because things are different within the walls of our own home and out of this country. I am just overwhelmed by his family and his attitude when he is with them. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted August 24, 2014 Share Posted August 24, 2014 I dont want to break up because things are different within the walls of our own home and out of this country. I am just overwhelmed by his family and his attitude when he is with them. Then you're kidding yourself and playing with fire. What you see right now is a small glimpse of what your marriage will be like. Only it will be worse because that's the way it works with marriage. Aside from that, your original post said that he spends all of your money to visit his family with no concern for how that affects you, has agreed to impose his family on yours at Christmas without even checking with you and your family first, spends all his vacation time with his family, and gets mad at you if you spend money on anything other than his family. Which part of any of these things is even remotely sane? How are these scenarios the makings of a good marriage? Unless you're ok with this kind of behavior, then you need to bolt from this nutcase. Your original post started out with, "I can't take it." Your instincts are screaming at you, yet you're back-peddling because you don't want to deal with a break-up. If I were you, I'd keep my mouth shut while you're with him in Poland. As soon as you return home, start looking for another place to live. As I said in my previous post, this is not an issue that needs to discussed or negotiated with him because he cannot be trusted. He has put you between a rock and a hard place. If he thinks this kind of stuff is ok, then he's delusional. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 24, 2014 Share Posted August 24, 2014 If you are not married yet, you have to assume things with his family will get worse, not better. Still want to marry him? I wouldn't. If you are not married, you don't get a say in how the other one spends money. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted August 24, 2014 Share Posted August 24, 2014 If you are not married yet, you have to assume things with his family will get worse, not better. Still want to marry him? I wouldn't. If you are not married, you don't get a say in how the other one spends money. I think she was saying that he's spending her money, too. Not sure about that though. I figured that they're living together and pooling their money. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 24, 2014 Share Posted August 24, 2014 I think she was saying that he's spending her money, too. Not sure about that though. I figured that they're living together and pooling their money. If that's true, she needs to cut him off because she also said they can't afford this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author louise_23 Posted August 24, 2014 Author Share Posted August 24, 2014 I think she was saying that he's spending her money, too. Not sure about that though. I figured that they're living together and pooling their money. We do live together yes. We have been for just over a year. It is my business when we are sharing bills imo, married or not. Especially when I get lectured about saving my money when I spend it anywhere other than in poland. The bills are shared 50/50 despite his income being twice that of mine. Im always responsible regarding paying bills first before anything else, but unless its on poland hes never happy. It gets frustrating sometimes is all Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 24, 2014 Share Posted August 24, 2014 Money is a huge cause of divorce. You two have to talk about your financial priorities & I think a spread sheet might help. However, if as just BF/GF living together his family & spending habits already annoy you & are a source of discord in your relationship you really have to think about what you want going forward because these issues will get worse not better. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted August 24, 2014 Share Posted August 24, 2014 We do live together yes. We have been for just over a year. It is my business when we are sharing bills imo, married or not. Especially when I get lectured about saving my money when I spend it anywhere other than in poland. The bills are shared 50/50 despite his income being twice that of mine. Im always responsible regarding paying bills first before anything else, but unless its on poland hes never happy. It gets frustrating sometimes is all This is very controlling behavior on his part. You've got major problems with this guy. Using your words again, "I feel close to the breaking point." You've said it all. You should listen to yourself. I know people and I know relationships. This man will not change and, if you marry him, you will be beyond miserable. Link to post Share on other sites
MuscleCarFan Posted August 25, 2014 Share Posted August 25, 2014 All I can is run like he'll and do not look back! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts