I feel like I should leave

[Mostlygood]

Hi. I'm new here. My H and I have been married 91/2 years. We are in our 40's. We met went I was 19. A lot of history there. My problem is I don't want to have sex with him. It's been this way for about 4 years. I have talked with him about it and we have tried to work on it,but there's no change. I know what the problem is, I resent him. There are a number of reasons I feel this way.

1) he doesn't keep promises

2) he doesn't finish things he starts

3) our sex life is unsatisfying and one way(his)

4) he feels that because he goes to work outside our home and I don't, running the house and family is on me

5) he's not nurturing to any of us(me and our 3 kids)

6) I feel that he is failing our son as a male role model

7) he just doesn't try

 

Now, some may read this and think he is horrible,but he is really a nice guy. He does work long hours to support us and provide us with "things". He is not abusive, a cheater, an alcoholic or even mean. I have a life that many women envy. People see us as a damn near perfect couple and family. But we are lacking intimacy.

A couple of years ago I met a young man. He was 22 at the time. We had incredible sexual energy. I hadn't felt that in so long. It felt wonderful. I felt alive, sexy, desired. I let it take over and had sex with him. It was FABULOUS! I kept it to myself and didn't confess to H. I felt justified since he wasn't taking care of my needs. I didn't plan to see the young man again, but over the course of a few months I began to desire him. So, I put an ad on Cl to look for him with info only he would know. I knew it was a very long shot. As fate would have it, he saw the ad. He was looking for me as well. Fast forward two years, I am still seeing him and my H has found out about it. I don't even care that he knows. I love H, but not enough to give up what I have with my BF. CRAZY, I know.

So, H doesn't want a divorce. I don't necessarily WANT to leave, however, I don't want to continue to hurt him. I think we should divorce.

I know you are wondering if I want to divorce in order to be with my BF, the answer is no. I want to divorce because 1) I feel like I'm married to a roommate and that sucks, and 2) because I do intend to continue having sexual relationships outside of our marriage to satisfy my needs and I don't want to hurt him in doing it.

So, do I leave the marriage?

Please don't judge to harshly if at all. I am an excellent wife in all other ways. I just got so frustrated and found a little happiness and pleasure elsewhere.

Thank you for your thoughts and advise in advance.

[Keenly]

This post / situation is wrong for so many reasons.

 

 

 

Yeah, you sure are a great wife, chesting on the husband that supports the entire family whole you stay home all day.

 

 

You are definitely the problem in this situation, not.him. I wonder if you even attempted to communicate your concerns.

[Dean13]

Should you leave? Why don't you tell your husband your plans to continue to see people outside the marriage? I'm sure he will be happy to take the decision out of your hands.

[Zeurich]

you say you are a good wife with cheating your husband who supports the family. Lady you sucks and shame on you. Set your husband free he deserve better woman than you.

 

1) he doesn't keep promises- Do you? What you promise while getting married?

2) he doesn't finish things he starts- Do you?

3) our sex life is unsatisfying and one way(his)-Have you talked to him?

4) he feels that because he goes to work outside our home and I don't, running the house and family is on me-Being a house wife and still complain?

5) he's not nurturing to any of us(me and our 3 kids)Does he have any time for that?

6) I feel that he is failing our son as a male role model- How about the role model as a mother who ****ing around?

7) he just doesn't try-No you being selfish and wild

[Mostlygood]

I clearly stated the facts. He SHOULD nurture the people he loves regardless of his work schedule, he should try to satisfy his wife instead of climbing on top of me and doing his business. yes I'm a housewife but that does not me I'm not working. I gave up my career to stay home and raise out children at his request. It's not what I wanted. So, yes, he is expected to take care of me. I suffered for years laying on my back for him and being completely unsatisfied. Yes I've had conversations with him about it. I even got us into counseling. He made the decision to not help fix the situation. I've asked him if he wanted a divorce and he said no. What should I do remain sexually frustrated. I don't expect anyone to agree with my decisions, but attacking me is not cool. Thanks a lot for the help folks.

[DKT3]

Hi. I'm new here. My H and I have been married 91/2 years. We are in our 40's. We met went I was 19. A lot of history there. My problem is I don't want to have sex with him. It's been this way for about 4 years. I have talked with him about it and we have tried to work on it,but there's no change. I know what the problem is, I resent him. There are a number of reasons I feel this way.

1) he doesn't keep promises

2) he doesn't finish things he starts

3) our sex life is unsatisfying and one way(his)

4) he feels that because he goes to work outside our home and I don't, running the house and family is on me

5) he's not nurturing to any of us(me and our 3 kids)

6) I feel that he is failing our son as a male role model

7) he just doesn't try

 

Now, some may read this and think he is horrible,but he is really a nice guy. He does work long hours to support us and provide us with "things". He is not abusive, a cheater, an alcoholic or even mean. I have a life that many women envy. People see us as a damn near perfect couple and family. But we are lacking intimacy.

A couple of years ago I met a young man. He was 22 at the time. We had incredible sexual energy. I hadn't felt that in so long. It felt wonderful. I felt alive, sexy, desired. I let it take over and had sex with him. It was FABULOUS! I kept it to myself and didn't confess to H. I felt justified since he wasn't taking care of my needs. I didn't plan to see the young man again, but over the course of a few months I began to desire him. So, I put an ad on Cl to look for him with info only he would know. I knew it was a very long shot. As fate would have it, he saw the ad. He was looking for me as well. Fast forward two years, I am still seeing him and my H has found out about it. I don't even care that he knows. I love H, but not enough to give up what I have with my BF. CRAZY, I know.

So, H doesn't want a divorce. I don't necessarily WANT to leave, however, I don't want to continue to hurt him. I think we should divorce.

I know you are wondering if I want to divorce in order to be with my BF, the answer is no. I want to divorce because 1) I feel like I'm married to a roommate and that sucks, and 2) because I do intend to continue having sexual relationships outside of our marriage to satisfy my needs and I don't want to hurt him in doing it.

So, do I leave the marriage?

Please don't judge to harshly if at all. I am an excellent wife in all other ways. I just got so frustrated and found a little happiness and pleasure elsewhere.

Thank you for your thoughts and advise in advance.

 

If this is being an excellent wife, I would hate to read how you define a shi tty one.

 

Re-read your post and then tell us again you don't want to leave for the BF.

 

Yes you should divorce, then leave your husband alone. No trying to go back when he starts up with the new woman and your living in your BF's moma's basement.

[CarrieT]

Sorry you feel like you are being attacked.

 

You are. Lots of us here are survivors of cheating spouses or cheating parents and we have experience -- vast experience -- in the process.

 

You aren't happy in the marriage = you should leave.

 

Don't start calling your husband a bad role model = that is calling the kettle black, especially when your children learn of your behavior. Put yourself in their shoes and understand they don't have the cognizance to comprehend what you are NOT getting sexually in your marriage. Look only at that external of what you are doing to your family as a whole. And what your husband is doing to the family as a whole.

 

See what you want in the future; for them and for yourself, and make positive steps towards that direction.

[FusionCutter]

No offense. But you are being a selfish woman.

 

I think you're still thinking of how you can have both - that's selfish and cruel of you. You'll STILL be hurting others.

[Mostlygood]

Your right I am trying to have both situations. Don't mean to be selfish. I found some happiness outside of my family life and don't want to give it up. If I do I will go back to life as I knew it, lonely and unsatisfied. Like I said I offered him a divorce after I told what was going on and he declined. If he choses to stay with me isn't he accepting my relationship and our marriage?

[Mostlygood]

That's fine I have no problem having a job outside of home. I truly wouldn't want alimony. I want him to be happy also. I can't imagine this is easy for him. I'm sure I've caused him sadness. We should both be happy.

[FusionCutter]

Don't hold two men emotionally hostage for your selfish benefit. Inherently what you're doing is selfish even though you don't feel it is selfish.

[Hope Shimmers]

1) he doesn't keep promises

2) he doesn't finish things he starts

3) our sex life is unsatisfying and one way(his)

4) he feels that because he goes to work outside our home and I don't, running the house and family is on me

5) he's not nurturing to any of us(me and our 3 kids)

6) I feel that he is failing our son as a male role model

7) he just doesn't try

 

Now, some may read this and think he is horrible

 

He doesn't sound horrible at all. He sounds like many husbands.

 

In fact, he sounds a heck of a lot better than my ex because he let you stay home and raise your kids. I would have given anything to have a husband who would even entertain that idea. If he works long hours and therefore expects you to "run the household" then what is your complaint? He is working and you are working. Do you think he should run the household too after going to work for long hours? That's your job.

 

If you had a problem with sex in your marriage then you should have been clear to him, letting him know that - one way or another - you needed it to improve OR you would have to end the marriage and seek it elsewhere. Instead, you snuck around having sex with some guy 20 years your junior who made you feel 'sexy again'.

 

Really - why do you think he happened to read your craigslist ad in the sexual encounters section? Because he was hoping you would post there looking for him? I hope you don't really believe that.

 

You should get divorced. And it is my belief that one day (probably not very far in the future) you will wish you had not thrown away your husband.

[oldshirt]

I don't know why you are asking if you should leave because you both already left the marriage years ago, you just haven't turned out the lights or locked the door behind you yet.

 

All that's really left to do here is pack up your stuff and formalize it legally with the courthouse (ie divorce)

 

Your husband apparently just doesn't want to mess with dealing with the kids on his own during his custodial times and doesn't want their caregiver leaving the house.

 

Offer him a deal where he only has to pay very minimal child support, no spousal support and you will have the kids as much as the court will allow.

 

In otherwords offer him his freedom on a silver platter and tip the scales of the divorce towards himso that it impacts him as little as possible.

 

If you live in America he does not have to consent or agree to a divorce so you can divorce him whether he wants to or not.

 

IMHO I don't see how he can love you or shed a single tear that you are gone. I just think he likes the convenience of a fulltime childcare provider in the house so he doesn't have to mess with them. Offer to take them with you and and not ask him for any money and he'll gladly let you go.

 

...........however I think you already know that. I think the thing holding you back from that plan is you want more noncustodial time away from them too so you can have your playtime. This will need to be worked out and negotiated.

 

The window for working out and negotiating a happy marriage closed many years ago. Maybe now you can come to the negotiating table and work out a happy divorce.

[Keenly]

I don't know why you are asking if you should leave because you both already left the marriage years ago, you just haven't turned out the lights or locked the door behind you yet.

 

All that's really left to do here is pack up your stuff and formalize it legally with the courthouse (ie divorce)

 

Your husband apparently just doesn't want to mess with dealing with the kids on his own during his custodial times and doesn't want their caregiver leaving the house.

 

Offer him a deal where he only has to pay very minimal child support, no spousal support and you will have the kids as much as the court will allow.

 

In otherwords offer him his freedom on a silver platter and tip the scales of the divorce towards himso that it impacts him as little as possible.

 

If you live in America he does not have to consent or agree to a divorce so you can divorce him whether he wants to or not.

 

IMHO I don't see how he can love you or shed a single tear that you are gone. I just think he likes the convenience of a fulltime childcare provider in the house so he doesn't have to mess with them. Offer to take them with you and and not ask him for any money and he'll gladly let you go.

 

...........however I think you already know that. I think the thing holding you back from that plan is you want more noncustodial time away from them too so you can have your playtime. This will need to be worked out and negotiated.

 

The window for working out and negotiating a happy marriage closed many years ago. Maybe now you can come to the negotiating table and work out a happy divorce.

 

One can not " make a deal " when it comes to child support. That completely determined by the state and the equations they use to calculate that based on income and percent custody.

[todreaminblue]

I really don't think you have given your marriage a chance......that he treats you well but yet you are cheating on him......

 

i do feel you need to bring everything out in the open and fight for your marriage.....the first punch being total honesty......the knocking out of unfaithfulness second....then retire to the corner for a while in therapy.....then come back swinging those combinations hard.....harder than you have ever fought before because i dont even feel you have really ever fought at all...........you have avoided th efight ....now others are involved in ripping the binding fabric apart with your affair partner/s and extra marital sex.....

 

i haven't read anywhere where you have even attempted counselling.....good marriages with mature thinking partners..... talk things out and i don't feel you have really talked or discussed issues that are really important to save your relationship...you married your husband fro a reason , you had a family with your husband fro a reason......are those reasons good enough fro you to fight a little ....at least a little......

 

its too easy these days to just walk away to not give your best shot.....to cheat to lie to take advantage of a persons lack of knowledge on what their partner is doing in the marriage to damage it ......you have to accept responsibility as an adult and as a parent as a role model and as a wife.....you are all those things and you are a woman with needs and desires too....you need to communicate them.....if your sex life is failing you have to take it on your shoulders as well....because you arent communicating what you need for your sex life to be satisfying......you arent communicating to keep it fresh and alive in the bedroom.....

 

before you break up your family before you leave your husband do you feel that all the reasons why you got together and married in the first place are enough to give it a fighting chance...i believe it is......i believe most marriages are worth the fight......would you be willing to go to counselling?..to be honest to your husband and to fight a little to save something that was and would have more good times than bad.........deb

[oldshirt]

One can not " make a deal " when it comes to child support. That completely determined by the state and the equations they use to calculate that based on income and percent custody.

 

That's why I used the term 'minimal'.

 

Most custodial parents try to shoot for the most they can get.

 

My advice to her is to try to get the least she can out if him so he will be as agreeable as possible to divorce.

[oldshirt]

I really don't think you have given your marriage a chance......that he treats you well but yet you are cheating on him......

 

i do feel you need to bring everything out in the open and fight for your marriage.....the first punch being total honesty......the knocking out of unfaithfulness second....then retire to the corner for a while in therapy.....then come back swinging those combinations hard.....harder than you have ever fought before because i dont even feel you have really ever fought at all...........you have avoided th efight ....now others are involved in ripping the binding fabric apart with your affair partner/s and extra marital sex.....

 

i haven't read anywhere where you have even attempted counselling.....good marriages with mature thinking partners..... talk things out and i don't feel you have really talked or discussed issues that are really important to save your relationship...you married your husband fro a reason , you had a family with your husband fro a reason......are those reasons good enough fro you to fight a little ....at least a little......

 

its too easy these days to just walk away to not give your best shot.....to cheat to lie to take advantage of a persons lack of knowledge on what their partner is doing in the marriage to damage it ......you have to accept responsibility as an adult and as a parent as a role model and as a wife.....you are all those things and you are a woman with needs and desires too....you need to communicate them.....if your sex life is failing you have to take it on your shoulders as well....because you arent communicating what you need for your sex life to be satisfying......you arent communicating to keep it fresh and alive in the bedroom.....

 

before you break up your family before you leave your husband do you feel that all the reasons why you got together and married in the first place are enough to give it a fighting chance...i believe it is......i believe most marriages are worth the fight......would you be willing to go to counselling?..to be honest to your husband and to fight a little to save something that was and would have more good times than bad.........deb

 

 

Good words of wisdom. ......but about 10 years too late. This marriage is dead. She's already gone, she just hasn't packed her bags or filed yet.

[Poppygoodwill]

I hope you're still reading OP, because I'm going to swim against the tide here and say that I understand how painful and lonely it can be to live in a marriage without intimacy. In a relationship where you don't feel loved. Paying the bills and cleaning the house and making sure the kids are fine - these are transactional. They do not feed your soul or give you a reason to come home. Feeling like sex and intimacy is a chore, rather than a pleasure and a comfort...that's so hard to live with. Many many people do - in silence and shame. Especially women. So many women put up with it just to get along, just to avoid tellign people that they are dying from a lack of intimacy. Just to have a "provider" and not rock the boat by seeming to ask for too much.

 

But life is short my friend. He doesn't have to beat you and leave the kids without shoes to make it a bad relationship. Feeling lonely and unloved at the heart of it is worse than any bruises.

 

So - now what? You don't need his permission to divorce, though his cooperation would make life much easier. I think you need to help him see that he has also been living a half-life in a marriage and that his life can be much better too. Or maybe you two can strike a deal whereby you have lovers on teh side and keep the family unit together? Stranger things have happened. Just be sure you're not leaving him for the fantasy of the boytoy, cause that will lead to tears in the end. Good luck.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Alright, so your husband is inattentive (family wise), sexually selfish and refuses to change? Obviously this alone would be a major issue and reason for divorce but the fact that you are cheating, plan to continue cheating and don't care if he knows it means you should've filed the papers yesterday.

 

Is your husband awful? No, but he sounds lazy and disrespectful - because yeah, a man mounting you, rutting around for a few minutes then rolling over the minute he gets off is not only selfish but completely disrespectful. It demonstrates how little he values your needs or even you as person altogether. I'd lose all interest in a guy like that too.

 

HOWEVER, it still does not give you the right to cheat on him. I don't care if he never had sex with you again, stepping outside your marriage is never the acceptable thing to do. You need a divorce and you need it immediately.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

One can not " make a deal " when it comes to child support. That completely determined by the state and the equations they use to calculate that based on income and percent custody.

 

Actually, yes you can.

 

In some cases/states the primary caregiver (child support recipient) can request a "downward modification" which means less support than whatever the court previously calculated (or court "guidelines" dictated). In others, both parties can appear in court with a preset amount already (privately) agreed upon between them.

 

If you want to tell the judge you only wish to receive $20 in monthly support because you are secretly an heiress, have a new husband, etc, as long as you're not on welfare, in many jurisdictions the courts will allow it.

[CarrieT]

One can not " make a deal " when it comes to child support. That completely determined by the state and the equations they use to calculate that based on income and percent custody.

 

Concur with Lernaean_Hydra. I have many friends who have never bothered with the court system when it comes to their separation and have made amicable deals between themselves on support and separating finances.

 

The courts are only involved if one or more of the parents involve the legal system.

 

Sadly, I also have a friend who had a child of a married man. He begged her to not reveal the affair to his wife and he promised a monthly stipend to support the child. Because my friend never sued for support, there are many months she struggles when he doesn't pay. Her child is now ten years old and she could probably still sue for support, but always claims to never have enough money for the costs involved in taking him to court.

[veryhappy]

Wow, you are really a prime target for stoning here.

 

 

I'm not clear if your marriage is sexless on both sides, meaning your h isn't interested as well or he is, but very unsophisticated about it and not a stellar performer.

 

 

Your sex toy is half your age so that clearly won't go anywhere long term. You are left with a crappy marriage.

 

 

Dump the bf, get the h in mc and try to solve the resentment on your part and whatever is on his side. I see no reason for not trying if your h wants to.

[bathtub-row]

I will never understand why people cling to bad relationships. It boggles the mind sometimes.

 

Yes, I think you should leave your marriage. Regardless of the reasons why you feel the way you do, and why your husband is so unfeeling are things that are probably not worth exploring. It has been my experience that people are who they are. Your husband is not likely to change, and you're not likely to ever feel good about how you and your kids are being treated.

 

Cut out the cancer and move on.