Girlfriend's comments about her nose??? Women's thoughts especially needed

[Norseman82]

Hey folks me and my gf are living together have been together as a couple for a year now and most likely will end up getting married in the next few years if things continue on going well. Over the course of the relationship she's made dozens of comments voicing the dislike of the way her nose looks going so far as to describe in detail what she'd have done to change it. Being objective she is a beautiful woman but her nose is prominent and aesthetically larger than it should be to be ideal with the proportions of her features/face with a bulbous tip- as she's said "she got her father's nose". I've never brought it up, never mentioned it ever to her or anyone else for that matter.

 

 

I'm really not sure how to handle/respond to these comments. My approach has been obviously -never bring it up and when she does I've said she's beautiful and at times when she's been insistent about how she doesn't like it that if she'd like to look into getting a nosejob and it would make her happy that I'd be more than happy to support her and go through the process with her with the caveat that I think she's beautiful as she is and doesn't need work done.

 

 

I guess what I'm asking and maybe I should just ask her next time she brings it up is "where is she coming from with this?" or "where are you going with this?", "Why do you keep bringing it up?" I'm aware she doesn't like her nose, I've tried to reassure her that it isn't an issue with me/I like her as is and I've also tried to be supportive if she'd like to have a nose job. Essentially if she's looking for validation from me I feel I've given it and if she's looking for support/permission to have cosmetic surgery then again I've given it and yet she still brings it up.

 

 

I'd like some sort of resolution because quite frankly I'm tired of playing whatever game this is and feeling like there is no solution. Does she just want something to complain about? I know she wants it fixed but is concerned about a botched surgery and a bad outcome.

 

 

Can anyone, ladies especially help shed some light on this for me please???

[Lernaean_Hydra]

This is tricky. If she's not usually given to fishing for compliments or playing games it's unlikely she's doing this to bait you into saying XYZ and may well just be venting. It's hard when there's something about yourself (your FACE especially) that you don't like because you have to see it and deal with it every day.

 

You can't ever "just forget about it". However, you either learn to except that particular flaw or take steps to remedy it. You don't keep saying you're too fat but do nothing to lose the weight.However, this is something she deals with every day and it could be eating at her and talking about it is how she copes.

 

Prime example: I dislike my breasts (several cup sizes deflated after weight loss) and used to comment on how awful I thought they were to my boyfriend quite a lot. For a long time it was something I was constantly preoccupied and talking about how much I loathed them was just natural to me. I wasn't saying it to get any sort of reaction or have him tell me they were great, or fine or whatever at all.

 

And then, it got to a point where when we were in bed and he went about his usual "boob worship :p" or showed any sort of appreciation (verbal or physical) it only worsened my insecurities. I started to really feel like "Oh god, you'd better stop him from thinking your tatas are as great as he says they are or one day he'll wake up and see 'the truth' (as I saw it anyway)".

In all honestly and largely subconsciously we women (hell, we humans) sometimes have a tendency to highlight - what we perceive as - our flaws "before you can". We're basically saying "I know you think this but won't say it so I'm going to say it for you." The twisted logic here is something like, "Well he HAS to think my hips are too narrow (my nose is too big, breasts are too small, ass is too wide, etc) since even *I* do so I should let him know that I'm very much aware this "problem" so he doesn't think I'm think I'm perfect.

[bathtub-row]

I think this is really simple. The next time she brings it up, just say something to her along these lines,"Hey, babe, let's talk about this seriously because I'm concerned that you keep talking about this. First, I think you already know that I think you're beautiful as you are. But I'm also saddened because I think you're very bothered by your appearance. I hope you know that if it bugs you that much, I will support you no matter what. I'll even go with you to the dr's office if you want me to. Why not just make an appointment and talk to the dr about it to see if it's something you want to do or not."

 

Etcetera.

 

The truth is, she needs to at least check into the possibility of getting this done. I had it done years ago and it's so much of who I am that most of the time I forget I had it done. My nose wasn't even that big, I just wasn't happy with it. When I had it done, people noticed something different but couldn't figure it out. Anyway, it was the best thing I ever did for myself because I finally stopped being self-conscious about it.

 

What will happen at the doctor's office is that this will become more of a reality for her and she can even get an idea of what she would look like after the surgery. Also, if the dr determines that she has any kind of blockage, insurance could end up paying for a lot of it.

 

I hope she goes for it. I know I'm happy that I did it.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Oops, I got so damn chatty I forgot to add:

 

While your girlfriend could be going through any number of the above scenarios and maybe not even be consciously aware of it, there's really not a whole lot you can do in the way of stopping this behavior altogether. However the next time it comes up it may be time for a very serious discussion.

 

If not that, then tell her, as lovingly and as kindly as possible that you adore her and everything about her and you hate to her be so critical of something about herself. Let her know that because of this, you'd like to issue a six week moratorium on any mention of her nose. Hell, ban the word "nose" from your household for that time altogether and set out a sort of "swear jar" that you will both agree to add money to as a sort of penalty whenever the word is mentioned. I'd set each instance at a rate of $1.00 (or €1.00, £1.00, whatev I don't judge ).

 

Something like this can actually be beneficial. Having to make a conscious effort to not do something goes a long way goes way to helping people become more aware of problematic habits.

[bubbaganoosh]

If she isn't happy with her nose then she should get it fixed. It's her nose and you should just tell her that if she wants a new nose then get it done but I like you just as you are.

 

Went to school with a girl that everyone knew her as "Banana nose". She had a huge nose and when the time was right, she got part of it sawed off and she was a happy girl.

[D-Fens]

If she's in good health, researches the surgery properly and goes to a reputable surgeon, it's unlikely she'll have a poor outcome. I had rhinoplasty a few years ago and the results were much better than I had hoped, even though the surgeon said mine was one the two worst cases (yeah, yeah, I know he meant 'biggest noses') he's ever seen.

 

It's worse for a woman to have a big nose, I think, because there are some women who like big noses on men but the reverse is never true. And a big nose is something you just can't hide. It made a huge difference to my confidence and an even bigger difference to how people treat me. I went from people shouting insults in the street to strangers approaching me to compliment me, as well as being treated better in work, in shops, in pretty much everywhere.

 

My boyfriend was like you, saying it didn't bother him but would support surgery, however he was surprised at the difference it made. He says it made me look more like me, as before my nose looked out of place - I have quite a small face. So continue to be supportive of your girlfriend. The surgery is not high risk, the recovery time is only 2-3 weeks and she is likely to feel uncomfortable from a blocked nose rather than being in much pain.

 

The only regret I have is that I didn't do it sooner and I've heard that it has one of the highest satisfaction rates of all cosmetic procedures.

[Norseman82]

Thank you all very much for your input I really appreciate your time and thoughts. I have a much better feel for this issue now as well as how to approach it. As a man I'm wired to "fix" things when a problem is presented to me and so not that her nose is about me and not that I was attempting to make it about me I was getting frustrated with feeling like I wasn't giving her whatever it is she's needed to deal with this issue and now I feel that I can do so and that we'll both be happier for it.

[d0nnivain]

Don't say anything other than what you have been saying: she's beautiful & you will support her.

 

She wants to talk. She doesn't want you to do anything other than listen.

 

Somewhere somehow, she's not ready for surgery. When she is, she'll let you know. For now keep up what you have been doing but don't push for progress. Surgery & insecurities are big things that she has to deal with her in own time, maybe never. Let her re-hash this over & over. Try not ot get too frustrated.

[Clockwork]

I'm a man, but I'll say one thing about your wife, she's like all other women. Open a magazine and there is some unrealistic vision of what a woman looks like. It's nuts. But young girls are bombarded with that everyday.

 

My wife is white and she has her eyes shaped very uniquely. In a way they almost look like "Asian" eyes but on a white person. It is very unique, and I don't mind it at all. Unfortunately when she was young kids used to call her "Chinese eyes" and such. They were rude, but they were kids, what do you expect?

 

I've told her many times that her eyes are one thing I love about her. They are more "slanted" if you will than the average white person's eyes would be, but I found her attractive from day one, and when she smiles and laughs really hard she has this cute little thing where her eyes almost look completely shut.

 

Look, over time she's gotten over it to the point where I can even joke with her about it. She knows I find her very attractive and she knows she is a pretty girl even to others, inside and out.

 

As they get older, girls get over this stuff once they realize the guy they are with doesn't care.