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Question for the married couples


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Approximately how long did it take for you to become engaged, and how long did it take for you to get married? What is a normal/healthy/standard length of time in general?

 

Also, have any of you broken up right before getting married and gotten back together (for whatever reason)? Or do you know of anyone who has?

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I think it rather depends on the individuals, their circumstances, their age and so on. For us, it was 5 years before we got married.

I knew an older man (retired) who got married and he did it quickly, only a perhaps one or two months. He reckoned at his age he knew his own mind better, that they knew what they wanted so why not?

And perhaps if one is planning a family, it is a safeguard to expect the man to demonstrate his commitment (and take on the legal liability associated with marriage) before committing to having that family.

Otherwise, I'd say let the first excitement with each other wear off, see how things are going when you have settled a bit, and wait until you both feel you are ready for it.

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I agree with Davey.

 

In my 20s and 30s, I had several long-term relationships (one was 11 years) and I *knew* this was not a person I was going to grow old with so I rebuffed talk of engagements or marriage.

 

As I approached my 50th year, I started a dating a man; we dated a 14 months before he proposed. Because his parents are elderly, instead of a long engagement we got married within 10 months.

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Moved in together after dating a year, decided on engagement a little after two years, but didn't care about marriage. Eventually married after seven years together, for some practical reasons.

 

I don't recommend getting engaged until you're been dating at least two years, because initial hormonal bonding skews your perception and behavior. After that, those hormones fade, and you begin to see the real person. That's about the time when you really notice a mismatch in sex drives - if there is one. (And any other red flags or serious incompatibilities should have appeared by then, too.) If such a mismatch appears, my advice is to end it then unless you like a life of misery and sexual incompatibility that will only get worse with time.

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I agree with Davey.

 

In my 20s and 30s, I had several long-term relationships (one was 11 years) and I *knew* this was not a person I was going to grow old with so I rebuffed talk of engagements or marriage.

 

As I approached my 50th year, I started a dating a man; we dated a 14 months before he proposed. Because his parents are elderly, instead of a long engagement we got married within 10 months.

 

May I ask you how you met your husband? And you met him at 50? This is inspiring for us women who aren't in our 20s anymore.

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If you are at least in your mid-20s CW says you should at least start talking about marriage somewhere around the 2 year mark but there are no universal rules.

 

FWIW I didn't meet my husband until I was 39. There are viable men out there after 29.

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May I ask you how you met your husband? And you met him at 50? This is inspiring for us women who aren't in our 20s anymore.

 

I met him on the 'net. I met him when I was 48 (I just turned 50 in June and we were married last November).

 

But I *worked* online dating to the extent of 200+ convos and 50+ coffee/first date/meet-and-greets...

 

It was not easy, but so worth it.

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My goal, after being in several relationships, is to try and set a reasonable timeline. I wasn't at all ready to get married in my 20s and I'm past my 30s. I was proposed to several times, but it didn't feel right until my recent ex proposed and I accepted (the first time I accepted and HE was the first man I really wanted to marry). But he left, and that's another story for another thread.

 

I'm trying to find a balance where I am able to get to know a man well enough, spot the red flags early on if there are any, and also not waste my time (since I'm not in my 20s/30s anymore.) One of my girlfriends told me that her friends in their 30s won't even date a guy if he's not marriage material, and the most they give it is 3 months because they don't want their time wasted. Not sure if that's reasonable. But at the same time, I've personally known a lot of wishy washy men who are time wasters, and I don't want to get stuck in that rut. I'd love to be in a relationship that's leading to marriage again. I loved the communication, intimacy, shared goals, closeness, partnership.

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The three month thing is somewhat reasonable. If after 90 days you can't imagine marrying him & marriage is your goal there is no point in continuing. Just because he may be worth dating after 3 months and/or you are willing to entertain the possibility of eventually getting married, you don't have to go running down the aisle at that point.

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The late James Garner is said to have married his wife 17 days after meeting her. Don't go by what others have done we are all different, from arranged marriages to marrying the girl next door who you wanted since puberty as soon as she was of age.

 

A friend of mine was with his girlfriend for 5 years, broke up, got pregnant on make up sex and then shotgun wedding. 7 years later the second child is about to start school.

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devilish innocent

We waited a lot of years before getting engaged or married, but that was because we weren't financially ready. The research I've seen on the topic suggests that the ideal time frame is a little over two years between when you start dating and the wedding. The closer a courtship fell into that time period, the more likely the couple was to stay married. Couples who dated for shorter periods were often missing red flags. Couples who dated for much longer periods were often dragging their heels because one or both didn't want to be married.

 

I had one friend who was constantly breaking up with her fiance and getting back together. I don't know how long their last break-up was before the wedding, but it couldn't have been too much sooner. Their marriage lasted less than a year. I think if you were ready to break up with the person just a short while ago, it's a big red flag that you're not ready to get married anytime soon.

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Poppygoodwill

I met my now-husband when I was 43 and we married about 14 months later. It happened quite quickly because we moved to a middle eastern country and it made everything so much easier to be married. Still though - I knew after six months that I wanted to 'put a ring on it'. The first time in my life I've ever thought that. It's my first marriage, and I have lived with men before, but like other posters, I knew those relationships weren't going to marriage...if for no other reason than I had no interest in it. Which is probably why I chose men who were also not really interested in marriage. But wiht this man, I just knew. I never believed that whole 'you just know it's right' thing, but it's true. I just knew.

 

But what's right for you? You're in a uniquely difficult spot because you feel the time pressure bearing down on you, but that sort of pressure is exactly the antithesis of romance and falling in love. In fact, it's a sort of poison to it. Too much pressure early on - a lot of analysis about "where it's going" and whether it has potential to be long term - and a promising start might collapse to nothing. But let it carry on too long without thinking about the future, and you might end up once again drifting without a clear destination. The trick is not to care too much, if such a thing were possible in your 30s and beyond when a creating a family is one of your goals.

 

But there's something else you can do: look in different places. If you tend to find the men you meet and date are the kind who don't think of marriage as a priority for them, then maybe you're looking in the wrong place, generally.

 

For years and years I dated metrosexual eggheads: well-educated, well-traveled men who were smart and interesting, but who generally felt that their political causes and personal development and adventures were more of a priority than making a family. Fair enough. I was the same.

 

You know who I married? An army colonel. From another country. Never in my life could I have predicted that, having always been a left wing type. I met him while I was working for a global organization in which I worked with people from cultures and subcultural groups that I wouldn't normally encounter. And it turns out that the steady, low drama, high integrity and family oriented way of him and his kind, is exactly the right match for me. When I met him, I felt I could trust him to go down that road.

 

So, all this is to say, in your search be sure that you're looking in the right place. There are sites for marriage minded people, there are cultural groups and subcultural groups (like military types, for instance) who *generally* you will find are more open and embracing of marriage. If that is among your priorities in meeting someone, then put it right at the top of the list - unapologetically.

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My husband and I met at age 10, in church. He didn't see me "that way" until a middle school dance. Said I was glowing like an angel. We dated but were both very shy and reserved due to abuse we were both suffering through at home (which we didn't know about). The candle we held for each other never went out.

 

Fast forward to last year. We both moved to the same state, an hour apart. Unknowingly of course. He asked me to dinner as a friend. I decided it was a date and asked him to be my boyfriend. We became pregnant within a few weeks. Got married two months later and are expecting our first child any day now :).

 

We've already had our share of drama which involved me leaving for a couple months. But now we're both in therapy for our individual issues and are dedicated to getting healthy for ourselves, our marriage, and our child.

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maybe you would benefit by having a list? some people do that and perhaps it would help you with those MUST HAVES and red flags you;re concerned about. then you won't waste your time past X date if he has a quality that isn't agreeable with you or good for marriage-material.

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