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Why Great Husbands Are Being Abandoned


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Smilecharmer

This article doesn't relate to me as I know I wouldn't be interested in a guy who gives up his masculinity for anyone. I rather have a leader with a backbone. My husbands is a man's man and he is a saint with balls. I must have got one of the last ones left.

He is just himself and as a good man and an independent, smart, capable, successful person he interests me and treats me like I'm important and valued. We all don't yearn for bad boys to turn into besties. We get great men who act like men and know their value. I never understood the need for women to turn men into women nor would I be interested in a man who would allow that to begin with. Not all women behave like this is my point.

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Equality in the workplace, sexual freedom (from reproductive consequences) and burgeoning social power gave the women of my generation the freedom to be who they really are. I accept that now. Why argue with the real?

 

In the past, men oppressed and controlled women. Suppressed their freedom. No longer. Enjoy!

 

I recall the day I told my wife (now exW) I felt abandoned. She looked at me like I was some alien. That day, and those which would follow, opened my eyes to reality. I see it clearly now. People are who they are and that can morph and change at any moment.

 

I gave M my best shot. I doubt that I was 'great' but I think I did OK. ExW still says that, the few times we've had contact. That's life!

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ForeverTainted

Too much opinion in the article. First off, unless you are actually in the hone you can't know how good of husbands these men really were. And he throws out the stat of 50% end in divorce but then goes on to stay instigated by women which is bullsht. Where are his stats on that. I know a lot of seperated people and none of them traded their saint of a spouse for a bad boy but both men and women have upgraded. I realize that this does happen but i don't think it is as epedemic as the article makes it out to be. It is just that men and women ate at a level playing feild. So now a woman can leave and so can a man. The reasons are all over the board.

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Interesting.....content-free "article". One man's opinion.

 

I personally know of many marriages that have broken up, and in not one of them would an objective person with most of the facts accept this hypothetical view. Most of the men who believe, or claim to believe, that they're doing a great job as husbands, in my observation are not, and the wives in question would confirm that.

 

So what we have is a lot of self-satisfied men smugly patting themselves on the back for being "great husbands", while making darn sure to never hear their wife's opinion on the matter. Not surprising that they're getting left.

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He is speaking from his clinical practice and patient base. I would imagine having counseled these couples extensively, as a experienced marriage professional, and author, he would have more insight to how the men were as husbands, then we might of our neighbors and coworkers.

 

This idea of "good husbands" being abandoned or perhaps simply sexually abandoned has also been the subject of numerous researchers on women's sexuality and relationships including the book "What Do Women Want?: Adventures in the Science of Female Desire"

 

Note this is not saying all wives, or most wives, or many wives do this - simply what he is seeing in "Some" as a noteworthy and increasing event.

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Folks, as a point of discussion, we probably should agree that the author of the article is a lady psychologist with 40 years of clinical experience.

 

Randi Gunther

 

TBH, this tone of article reminds me a lot of our MC, though he was a man but with similar length of career in both the criminal and civil arenas.

 

Yes, I know it's the internet and anyone can be anyone but a simple background check should be able to produce the author's professional credentials and reputation.

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Good point and correction.

 

Personal note - our marriage therapist is also a female and a specialist in sexuality. We have had numerous discussions in MC on this topic (good husband - so why the problem?)

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Btw Randi Gunther is a female.

 

 

My mistake, noted, but I think adds to the point "she" is making in her article.

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lollipopspot

It reads like cheap pop psychology to me. I don't care how long she's been in practice, she still has a certain way of seeing things that may or may not be accurate, and based in her own biases which are the biases of an older person who grew up in a certain era. Dr. Laura has been doing it for a long time too and by my estimation more than half of what she says is BS.

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Smilecharmer

It is an interesting dichotomy....what was and what is coming due to gender equality. No pun intended to our OP, of course. The world is changing which is why I started the gender thread earlier this month. We can't pretend we live in our parents world anymore. As Carhill stated, people have to adapt. Men have to learn how to be men again without changing who they are and women have to figure out what they really want before engaging in a lifelong commitment they have no interest in keeping.

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It's a mix between women deep down not being attracted to these neutered men that certain people have brow beaten men into becoming over the years and nice guys not know how to pick women. Most new age nice guys I know are with women who would make Judith from Two and a Half Men look nice and soft and they get surprised when she treats them in a cold and uncaring manner. There is nothing sexist about wanting a woman who treats you as well as they demand they treat you but if men say that we are accused of wanting a stepford wife or not wanting an equal.

 

In reality the so called neanderthals that feminists love to hate all seem to have the happiest marriages and relationships. I am not talking about abusers or men who control women but the men who are men and carry no shame about their masculinity. They have boundaries and don't let themselves get walked over. They might have a feminist's disdain but many have a good woman's love and adoration or at least a number of women attracted to them. That certainly is a worthy trade to me. Getting pat on the head for being an enlightened man isn't worth anything other than a lot of heartbreak

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I think the real bottom line moral of the story here is there is no silver bullet guarenteed method of ensuring a life long happy marriage.

 

There is no guarentee that your spouse won't leave you no matter what awesome traits you posses and no matter how good a person and spouse you are.

 

Long gone are the days when people "had" to remain married once they exchanged vows and rings and signed the papers. Today remaining married is simply another option and your spouse also has the option to walk at any time. Remaining married is a conscious choice, not a legal,moral, social or religious mandate.

 

The message we need to be giving to prospective aisle-walkers is get married with good intentions and give it your best but always be prepared for your spouse to leave and always be able to walk away yourself if your spouse ends up a drunk or a cheater or abusive etc.

 

Always realize at the end of the day your spouse has to 'want' to stay with you because they are not obligated in any way to do so if they do not.

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Always realize at the end of the day your spouse has to 'want' to stay with you because they are not obligated in any way to do so if they do not.

 

That's a vital point, accepting the real of today. Prior, I saw the marriage license as a sacrosanct obligation rather than want. I think this is where I gained valuable insight from my exW who had been married twice before. She knew better. I was simply ignorant and couldn't see with similar eyes. Vision has been corrected to allow for the want. Part of life's lessons. That's why I say, today, it's the one holding my hand, if any, at the time I pass from this mortal coil being the one I was meant to be with for life. Who knows how many will pass in life before that happens. Maybe none. Will abandonment occur? Unknown! That's how it goes. Men have choices.

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ForeverTainted

So I thought really long and hard about people who have recently divorced. Here are the ones I know the story.

 

1.H left wife after 1.5 years for his OW. In their late twenties/early thirties

2. W left H after 10 years (married very young) and 1 kid to "find herself".(both in early thirties) She was cheating but then it turned out he was too. Toxic marriage.

3.Late twenties couple. w left h because he was a jerk. But she married him and thought she could change him. Had two kids and he still is a jerk so she left. She is with a "nice guy" now. Sort of opposite story.

4. W left H after she caught him meeting call girls and he wouldn't stop and told her she just had to "accept it) early twenties and married only a year.

5. H left W because he was tired of the marriage not getting better. 3 kids with mom and no signs of their being any infidelity.

6. W left H after 25 years because she found out he had spent all their life savings on internet women. H wouldn't stop.

7. W (mid twenties) left first H because she was unhappy being moved across th country and felt alone. She left second h because of reasons unknown. This third guy better watch out!

8. Mutual breakup between LTP. Early 30s and decided they wanted to go different directions. Both are still friends.

9. Woman left Lt boyfriend because she says he wasn't willing to work on their problems. Man says she is a bitch.

10. Long term relationship ended when The woman found out her So was cheating with someone 20 years younger. They got back together but then split again when some young girls came forward with sexual charges.

 

This is only the people who I actually heard a story of that I know in person. But none of these guys were great husbands that the wife left for a more manly man. These were broken people where one, or the other, or both quit on the marriage either buy cheating or not putting effort in.

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In reality the so called neanderthals that feminists love to hate all seem to have the happiest marriages and relationships. I am not talking about abusers or men who control women but the men who are men and carry no shame about their masculinity. They have boundaries and don't let themselves get walked over. They might have a feminist's disdain but many have a good woman's love and adoration or at least a number of women attracted to them. That certainly is a worthy trade to me. Getting pat on the head for being an enlightened man isn't worth anything other than a lot of heartbreak

 

I've got one of those, and I adore him, and I'd call myself a feminist. ;)

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I've got one of those, and I adore him, and I'd call myself a feminist. ;)

 

There are plenty of feminists who can appreciate men and masculinity. They just want an equal world but the other ones who wanted to neuter men deep down are not happy with the results and want to return to sender. I have noticed that most male bashers are deep down attracted to the very things they claim to hate about men.

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I considered myself a good husband and a great father by the measure that I loved and cared for my wife and kids and wanted the best for all of them. Since we moved a lot, we tended to be family-centric but were both outgoing and liked to socialize. We both took care of our health and bodies. Mutual attraction was strong. Our common interests and tastes overlapped well, and we learned from each other. I was open with my wife, never put her down, never called her names, had a few fights over minor but recurring issues. 90% of our life in my estimation was joyous, loving, passionate at times - hard at times with raising two young kids.

 

Women do leave good husbands if they those men start to 'disappoint' them in ways they aren't vocalizing. Writing in your journal about issues or logging slights in your mind is not productive. On the surface, it seemed like we got along great with the usual husband/wife ribbing now and the again. Our friends were envious of our couple. They saw a lot of affection and two wonderful kids.

 

Trouble started when we moved back to her country and she became the breadwinner while I started a new business. She felt more independent and I had a whole new world to acclimate to. She started getting moodier. But her way of expressing herself was to make suggestions without emphasizing her real need or its importance. Perhaps I was in a bit of a rut or comfortable with how life was, but I worked hard and was always compassionate, upbeat, etc. My worldview was that we were partners, and we were going through life together, and that we'd balance each other out if needed. Apparently, she felt like she was carrying the load, but she was forgetting the added challenge I had. So in my opinion here was the classic case of a woman not appreciating all the work I had done for us, and when it was "her turn" to work she got stressed out about it. I supported her, helped her market her business, did her website, lots of stuff, while working on my own business. Her family liked me, all was well. Romantic outings suffered a bit but there was always that enduring love for one another. Mature love. Lots of I love you's, etc.

 

Then of course everything changed once she started spending time alone with another man. Someone giving her attention, encouragement, flirting, etc. It turned into a hot and torrid affair that apparently she felt entitled to. She started reading The Secret, Eat Pray Love and started to form a "me, me, me" view of the world. She was detaching. Doing things single women do and starting to neglect me and what I and our children needed. Of course, through the affair, she turned into a petulant monster who tried to control and manipulate everything around her. She became a bitch.

 

So was I not a good husband because I didn't meet her expectations? It kind of helps if someone states their expectations in plain terms. A good husband is either doing things right already or would be happy to change things if his wife unhappy. Not change for her, but change the marital environment for better.

If a wife is "unhappy" (whatever) and someone comes along who offers her "more" (at least initially), she may be inclined to leave. That's just a selfish person who rationalizes their behaviour. Sure, I had faults, but destroying your family for a new thrill is just foolish. And people are foolish, what can you say?

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I considered myself a good husband and a great father by the measure that I loved and cared for my wife and kids and wanted the best for all of them. Since we moved a lot, we tended to be family-centric but were both outgoing and liked to socialize. We both took care of our health and bodies. Mutual attraction was strong. Our common interests and tastes overlapped well, and we learned from each other. I was open with my wife, never put her down, never called her names, had a few fights over minor but recurring issues. 90% of our life in my estimation was joyous, loving, passionate at times - hard at times with raising two young kids.

 

Women do leave good husbands if they those men start to 'disappoint' them in ways they aren't vocalizing. Writing in your journal about issues or logging slights in your mind is not productive. On the surface, it seemed like we got along great with the usual husband/wife ribbing now and the again. Our friends were envious of our couple. They saw a lot of affection and two wonderful kids.

 

Trouble started when we moved back to her country and she became the breadwinner while I started a new business. She felt more independent and I had a whole new world to acclimate to. She started getting moodier. But her way of expressing herself was to make suggestions without emphasizing her real need or its importance. Perhaps I was in a bit of a rut or comfortable with how life was, but I worked hard and was always compassionate, upbeat, etc. My worldview was that we were partners, and we were going through life together, and that we'd balance each other out if needed. Apparently, she felt like she was carrying the load, but she was forgetting the added challenge I had. So in my opinion here was the classic case of a woman not appreciating all the work I had done for us, and when it was "her turn" to work she got stressed out about it. I supported her, helped her market her business, did her website, lots of stuff, while working on my own business. Her family liked me, all was well. Romantic outings suffered a bit but there was always that enduring love for one another. Mature love. Lots of I love you's, etc.

 

Then of course everything changed once she started spending time alone with another man. Someone giving her attention, encouragement, flirting, etc. It turned into a hot and torrid affair that apparently she felt entitled to. She started reading The Secret, Eat Pray Love and started to form a "me, me, me" view of the world. She was detaching. Doing things single women do and starting to neglect me and what I and our children needed. Of course, through the affair, she turned into a petulant monster who tried to control and manipulate everything around her. She became a bitch.

 

So was I not a good husband because I didn't meet her expectations? It kind of helps if someone states their expectations in plain terms. A good husband is either doing things right already or would be happy to change things if his wife unhappy. Not change for her, but change the marital environment for better.

If a wife is "unhappy" (whatever) and someone comes along who offers her "more" (at least initially), she may be inclined to leave. That's just a selfish person who rationalizes their behaviour. Sure, I had faults, but destroying your family for a new thrill is just foolish. And people are foolish, what can you say?

 

I could have written most of this. Good husbands do get abandoned. How much of a trend it is, I really couldn't say. But in my anecdotal case, it sucked. 20 years wasted on someone who couldn't appreciate what she had.

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One question to ask is does the act of abandonment obviate all of the other positive life interactions, love and devotion which had gone prior? Why?

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what annoys me the most is that these wives picked and married their husbands the way they were and then complain when they get bored of them or decide they want them to behave differently, more manly, whatever... my wife did that to me. Sorry, this is what I am, you married me for what I was, I'm not going to change... you should be glad you married me, not some stupid a**hole...

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Interesting article from a clinical therapist - somethings that have been touched on by other male posters here on LS... and some views/thoughts i have had as well.

 

Why Great Husbands Are Being Abandoned*|*Randi Gunther

 

 

IMO, this article is a bunch of bull. Sorry to be so blunt. Women don't leave husbands because the guys are great. Women leave for a variety of other reasons, some good some bad. Some women, like many men, have poor bounderies and get involved with someone else and leave the marriage as a result. Some women, like many men, are not really built for marriage. Some women leave because the husband ( like many wives) is cold, or passive-aggresive, or abusive. It is very easy to hide these traits from a marriage counselor and present a very differant person to the counsoler then the one that exist at home.

 

It is possible to be a great guy or girl and be left by your partner. You might have done everything right, but that isn't the reason why the relationship ended. Just my opinion.

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mikethemechanic
what annoys me the most is that these wives picked and married their husbands the way they were and then complain when they get bored of them or decide they want them to behave differently, more manly, whatever... my wife did that to me. Sorry, this is what I am, you married me for what I was, I'm not going to change... you should be glad you married me, not some stupid a**hole...

Google holding patterns in relationships.

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