Workaholic husband

[both sides]

Long time ago I have recognized my husband´s trait from the title. We have been married for 23yrs now. I always tried to be understandable, support him and be objective and so on.

 

I will never say that I do not make mistakes, but whenever he mentioned them to me I always carefully thought about the issues and the benefits of our marriage were my first concern. Now I do not have any more energy to cope with his workaholic point of view.

 

He works like an animal, when he is home he mows, adapts, sometimes cooks... All my work (job + my contribution at home) is mathematically expressed "nothing" to his and that is making me crazy. I tried to explain that to him, but he simply does not understand. In his world, the rest of the humanity is lazy.

 

For years (it is 7 now) we have not been on vacation. And it is not that I ask for much: just a couple of days off our usual environment. Kids are almost grown and apart from their spending free time with their friends, they asked me when are we going to spend vacation as a family.

 

For years I feel the urge to talk to my husband. I mean a normal talk which does not deal with his events from work. Once I invited him for a "date", an evening out and guess what happened? It did not work out, although he was for it in the beginning. The reason for this failure was of course his job, and he was not sorry at all, it seems that he was relieved.

 

Back to his vacation. This year he does need it at all. His explanation is that his boss cannot manage without him and that he sees no sense in having his vacation because we have no money to continue our adaptation on the house. Mind you, we have money, but the point is that his boss cannot manage, not us. It would not be a problem if it did not happen almost every summer.

 

And no, he has not got any affair, except with his job. I compete with his company and his boss.

 

It is only work, work, work, as if nothing else exists. This is getting slowly towards being crazy.

[beach]

Go on vacation without him.

 

Start doing things on your own. Since he doesn't participate with "fun stuff" start doing things on your own or with friends/family.

 

Just because he likes working that much doesn't mean you have to miss out on what makes you enjoy life.

[both sides]

Beach, thank you. I started doing that, in many ways. I know that is a solution for me having a fun balance in life.

 

Still, there remains a bitter taste:what remains as our mutual interest is more a businesslike relationship, he is not able to relax and enjoy. Some of these days he is going to explode. Besides, he noticed my new interests and is kind of jealous and selfish. He nags when he notices that I am having a good time.

 

I simply wish to have a thicker skin, but I didn´t manage to grow it.

[carhill]

Men often define themselves through work in the same manner women define themselves through relationships (family, friends, marriages, etc). For a man, his work, his success and importance in his field of pursuit, is vital to his personal vision of himself and his place in the world.

 

That said, when he chooses to become married, he has chosen to look beyond his own ego and personal importance and share his life with another, compromising some aspects of self for 'us'.

 

In your case, long married and with adult children and firmly entrenched styles, my advice is to not expect him to change, ever, and give him ROFR on any of your vacation plans and, if he declines, enjoy your pursuits as you see fit, without prejudice against him. He does what he does; you do what you do. You're both older, financially secure and a 'vacation' can mean anything, even a nice dinner and night at the 'no-tell' motel. Work doesn't have to be interrupted. A loving couple finds a way for the team to succeed.

 

If he has no interest in any sort of middle ground on your personal relationship, and chooses to avoid addressing that lack in a meaningful way, consider the partnership irreconcilable and move on. People do it every day, even long married and older people. Personally, I'd rather die alone with a smile on my face after a long and satisfying life and, yep, I've been married.

 

Good luck!

[both sides]

This was good to read, a male point of view. You gave me some material to think about and work upon!

[HereNorThere]

You really don't have enough information to know the motivation behind his workaholism. You'll have to get him into counseling long enough to see what really motivates it. Does he use work as a coping mechanism to avoid dealing with real life? Does he have a condition like aspergers which naturally makes you less social and empathetic to others?

 

From experience, I think workaholics are probably some of the worst people to date or marry because a lot of them have their identity wrapped up in their occupation. In my opinion, work should be a means to an end. A way to support your family and hobbies, not something that defines who you are a person.

 

While it may seem like a male thing, I've actually noticed it more with females. The women workaholics I know are so much more intense because the feel that they have to prove something to the males.

Edited August 14, 2014 by HereNorThere

[bathtub-row]

I was married to someone who was kind of like this and he made me completely nuts. He would do this crazy-making thing if I even took time out to lay on the sofa to read a book. The house was perfectly clean, there was nothing really pressing to do, but he simply could not stand to see me laying around on a weekend "doing nothing", even though I worked a full-time job. He also did a great job of controlling things by working late, arriving late, rarely being there for our son, etc. That was one of many reasons why I eventually left him. I'll never forget the day he emphatically told me, "You expect too much out of life! Life is NOT fun!" I was so stunned by this outburst that I was speechless. I had simply suggested that we go out to dinner that night.

 

You might want to read a book that I read a long time ago entitled "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron. I know it doesn't sound like it has anything to do with what you're talking about but it kind of does. That's where I got that phrase 'crazy-making'. The author talks about people who like to interject themselves into every aspect of your life and control it in passive ways. It's pretty interesting. But get the original book. I think there were others written after it but I think the first book was the best one.

 

I think the problem is that you and your husband have very different views on what life is supposed to look like. Plus, he probably has the 'my way or the highway' attitude so he'll continue to put you down even if you let him live his life and you live yours. People like this can truly suck the life right out of you.

[both sides]

You really don't have enough information to know the motivation behind his workaholism. You'll have to get him into counseling long enough to see what really motivates it. Does he use work as a coping mechanism to avoid dealing with real life? Does he have a condition like aspergers which naturally makes you less social and empathetic to others?

 

 

You will probably guess that counselling is out of question. We were a few times, some years ago. In my opinion it helps when the participants have the "ear". My husband has not. He politely took part, but saw no use in further sessions.

 

So I have to guess his motivation. I would not say he avoids real life, my opinion is that he is used to it and has no flexibility to try other ways. There might be some fear behind it, irrational but still existing.

[both sides]

... I'll never forget the day he emphatically told me, "You expect too much out of life! Life is NOT fun!" I was so stunned by this outburst that I was speechless. I had simply suggested that we go out to dinner that night...

 

 

I heard something similar from my husband some 5-6 years ago and my reaction was the same as yours.

 

Still, I am always trying not to be judgmental and I must admit that he tries to correct himself, in a way that he hurts my feelings as less as possible. I am not for partners trying to train or reeducate each other, I think it is a violence, but certain adaptations are necessary.

I am aware my husband cannot leave his skin, but sometimes he can hurt as hell. That is the reason I wrote I would like to get thicker skin. Of course, nobody can give it to me, I only want some experiences that might help me on that way.

 

Thank you for suggestion for the book. I will try to find it.

[bathtub-row]

I heard something similar from my husband some 5-6 years ago and my reaction was the same as yours.

 

Still, I am always trying not to be judgmental and I must admit that he tries to correct himself, in a way that he hurts my feelings as less as possible. I am not for partners trying to train or reeducate each other, I think it is a violence, but certain adaptations are necessary.

I am aware my husband cannot leave his skin, but sometimes he can hurt as hell. That is the reason I wrote I would like to get thicker skin. Of course, nobody can give it to me, I only want some experiences that might help me on that way.

 

Thank you for suggestion for the book. I will try to find it.

 

It's not about changing him, it's about figuring out how to live with him under the terms you have to live with him, or walk away. Trying to change anyone is a complete waste of time and energy. The problem that I see in your situation is that he doesn't seem to be able to let you live the life you want to live, he makes you feel alone, and he doesn't compromise.

[both sides]

It's not about changing him, it's about figuring out how to live with him under the terms you have to live with him, or walk away. Trying to change anyone is a complete waste of time and energy. The problem that I see in your situation is that he doesn't seem to be able to let you live the life you want to live, he makes you feel alone, and he doesn't compromise.

 

He is not totally unable to compromise, he does that, but not in this matter and I think he is in a sort of a vicious circle.

He likes his job, he is a devoted worker and such people usually end up exploited. At least it is my opinion, factually his boss sees this and exploits him using these facts. My husband lives in a denial thinking he is irreplaceable and to justify this he goes around convincing everybody that this is normal.