Moving past resentment

[lucy_in_disguise]

My boyfriend and I appear to be at a stalemate resulting from a few recent events, and I'm not sure how to move past this.

 

To give you some background: we have been together about 4 years, not living together because any time we get close, something comes up to make one of us doubt that its a good idea. We recently resumed talks about the future again, but breaking up appears to also be on the table.

 

The fight began a couple weeks ago. In addition to working full time, Im also in class 12 hours a week, the end result being, I have little time to see him during the week. There was a work event on Friday that I wanted to go to, but his enthusiasm was lukewarm. At the last minute, he decided he wasn't coming. We made plans to have dinner at 8. At the event, the booze was flowing, and by 7 I informed him that I was going to be late. When I got back to his place at 9, he was furious and demanded we have a discussion immediately. I was drunk and felt like I'd walked into a trap. I decided to leave.

 

That weekend a friend of mine was in town to visit. Bf was invited to join is, but chose not to. So, we didn't get to spend any time together.

 

Another week began on the wrong foot. I got a huge, unfair parking ticket which infuriated me. My relationship with one of my teachers had also devolved into what I felt was bullying behavior on his end. By the end of the day Monday, I was angry and exhausted. I asked My bf if i could spend the night for some support. When I got to his place, he went off on me abiut the ticket and how contesting it, like I had planned, was a horrible idea. I was so caught off guard by his anger that I walked out and went home.

 

Which brings us to this weekend. I was supposed to have dinner with some friends and asked him if he wanted to join. He already made plans to go to some show with his friends. We agreed to go to the beach the next day.

 

The next day, he was too hungover to leave his apartment. I was pissed off and went to the beach by myself. That evening, he came over, and instead of going out to dinner like we planned, we ended up getting into a fight.

 

I'm mad at him for not being invested in the relationship. Ironically, he feels the same abiut me. He feels I should not be taking classes to focus more attention on him. I feel like he does not care about my dreams. I feel hurt that he can't even commit to a vacation 3 years in, and expresses little interest in my hobbies or getting to know my friends.

 

He is angry I walked out during our last 2 fights. I felt it was my best option because I was not in the right mental state to have a fight (drunk or extremely exhausted).

 

Who's right, who's wrong? And how do we move past this?

[Els]

 

I'm mad at him for not being invested in the relationship. Ironically, he feels the same abiut me. He feels I should not be taking classes to focus more attention on him. I feel like he does not care about my dreams. I feel hurt that he can't even commit to a vacation 3 years in, and expresses little interest in my hobbies or getting to know my friends.

 

He can't even commit to a vacation - you mean you've NEVER been on vacation together for 3 years, not even a cheap one?

 

That aside, all of these are huge red flags (telling you to take fewer classes so you can give him more attention, wtf??), and is likely to be the root issue causing all these other ones. I mean, the individual issues with work events and such can be worked on (for instance, if I was going to an event that I had no control or definite knowledge about when it would end, I would not schedule dinner plans with my bf immediately after it).... but that won't fix the root issues. It feels akin to avoiding the elephant in the room.

 

He is angry I walked out during our last 2 fights. I felt it was my best option because I was not in the right mental state to have a fight (drunk or extremely exhausted).

 

Who's right, who's wrong?

IMO there is a difference between just storming out, and calmly saying, "I need a bit of time to myself to calm down, I will be back in a few hours" before you leave. The former does feel slightly passive aggressive to me, the latter is totally acceptable.

[lucy_in_disguise]

He can't even commit to a vacation - you mean you've NEVER been on vacation together for 3 years, not even a cheap one?

 

That aside, all of these are huge red flags (telling you to take fewer classes so you can give him more attention, wtf??), and is likely to be the root issue causing all these other ones. I mean, the individual issues with work events and such can be worked on (for instance, if I was going to an event that I had no control or definite knowledge about when it would end, I would not schedule dinner plans with my bf immediately after it).... but that won't fix the root issues. It feels akin to avoiding the elephant in the room.

 

IMO there is a difference between just storming out, and calmly saying, "I need a bit of time to myself to calm down, I will be back in a few hours" before you leave. The former does feel slightly passive aggressive to me, the latter is totally acceptable.

 

Elswyth, thanks for replying, I always appreciate your feedback.

 

With regards to my classes, do you think it's inherently unreasonable for him to tell me the classes are interfering with our relationship? I feel like he is constantly making me choose between him and my goals, but to some extent, I feel like it woukd be a balancing act no matter who I was with. In this situation, I do feel my goals need to be my priority since we are still pretty casual at this point.

 

With regards to leaving during fights, I did in fact tell him, calmly, that I needed some time to calm down. Unfortunately discussing it at a later time was not possible to do in a timely fashion due to our scheduling conflicts. Thus, the resentment festered.

[Mr. Lucky]

Who's right, who's wrong?

Without hearing his side, no idea.

And how do we move past this?

Have you considered that you simply might be ill-suited as a couple? All your threads have been about the strife, contention and arguments between the two of you at a time when limerence should have you mutually attuned.

 

It shouldn't be this hard ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[lucy_in_disguise]

Without hearing his side, no idea.

 

Have you considered that you simply might be ill-suited as a couple? All your threads have been about the strife, contention and arguments between the two of you at a time when limerence should have you mutually attuned.

 

It shouldn't be this hard ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

It looks like he agrees with this assessment. He broke up with me.

[Els]

Elswyth, thanks for replying, I always appreciate your feedback.

 

Happy to help.

 

With regards to my classes, do you think it's inherently unreasonable for him to tell me the classes are interfering with our relationship?

 

Yes, I think it is, especially given everything you have described - you two talk fairly often and spend time together, and your total workload is only 52 hours/week. It's not like you're working 100 hours/week and only talking to him once a week.

 

IMO a partner who truly cares about you will not be pressuring you to sacrifice your career goals for him.

 

In this situation, I do feel my goals need to be my priority since we are still pretty casual at this point.

 

I agree.

[Mr. Lucky]

It looks like he agrees with this assessment. He broke up with me.

Sorry to hear that though it did seem like you were trying to pound the proverbial square peg.

 

Are you at all relieved? What reasons did he give?

 

Mr. Lucky

[lucy_in_disguise]

I am actually devastated.

 

His reason was that I have been failing to communicate with him and he won't accept my passive aggressive behaivior. It looks like the walking out was a dealbreaker, which is surprising because at the time I thought I was doing the right thing by leaving instead of trying to hash out the issues while angry/ drunk. But he says my communication issues are deeper than the 2 isolated incidents. He also says he is happy he finally has a "vibrant" social life, and is annoyed that I am jealous of this vs. supportive. No amount of crying, pleading, or throwing things could convince him it is something that can be worked out.

 

The breakup caught me off-guard and I feel equal parts regretful of my passive aggressive behaivior, angry at him for letting this be our end, and just... Surprised. And sad. I thought we were moving towards greater commitment these last few months and were just experiencing a temporary roughy patch in the relationship, exacerbated by the many obligations on both our plates. I feel like a moron for making a marriage spreadsheet for someone who can reject me so easily.

[Lecturer]

...I do feel my goals need to be my priority since we are still pretty casual at this point.

 

Umm, this sentence pretty much is the crux of the conflict between you two. Is this how he feels? Have you asked him lately?

 

It looks like he agrees with this assessment. He broke up with me.

 

I'm sorry this happened, but (being as sensitive as I can)... I'm not surprised. This is a very common terminal situation for relationships: one person wants more than the other person wants to give.

 

You asked who is right and who is wrong? Neither is anything. You wanted different things and were in an incompatible, unresolvable situation.

 

I hope this leads to you both having more fulfilling, less stressed lives. For you I would suggest perhaps focusing on your work, classes, and friends, as seems to be your interest. It may be best not to pursue another romantic relationship until one of these areas is less demanding of your time.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Umm, this sentence pretty much is the crux of the conflict between you two. Is this how he feels? Have you asked him lately?

 

 

 

I'm sorry this happened, but (being as sensitive as I can)... I'm not surprised. This is a very common terminal situation for relationships: one person wants more than the other person wants to give.

 

You asked who is right and who is wrong? Neither is anything. You wanted different things and were in an incompatible, unresolvable situation.

 

I hope this leads to you both having more fulfilling, less stressed lives. For you I would suggest perhaps focusing on your work, classes, and friends, as seems to be your interest. It may be best not to pursue another romantic relationship until one of these areas is less demanding of your time.

 

Regarding my priorities, I had not asked him, but can assume his preference would have been that I focus more on supporting him. He had said as much during our fight. However, I had always felt it was unfair that my goals were negotiable as far as he was concerned, while he made it clear his were not.

[lucy_in_disguise]

All I really wanted was for him to express some enthusiasm, to give me some indication, that he saw a future with me. Not down the line, but beginning today. Is that unreasonable? I wish I had been able to express that more clearly.

[Mr. Lucky]

Or perhaps your expression was perfectly clear and you (unfortunately) have his answer?

 

Difficult in the short term but perhaps - as Lecturer pointed out - more realistic and compatible with your current set of obligations.

 

Also, never say never with him. Regardless of our own desires and priorities, some things have their own path...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Els]

I am actually devastated.

 

Sorry to hear that. For some reason your post hadn't shown up when I made my last one, apologies for the irrelevant post in my case.

 

He also says he is happy he finally has a "vibrant" social life, and is annoyed that I am jealous of this vs. supportive.

 

What? You were jealous of his social life?? Since when? It sounds like you were perfectly fine with him going out with his friends, and it was him who was angry about your work event lasting longer than he'd expected.

 

The breakup caught me off-guard and I feel equal parts regretful of my passive aggressive behaivior, angry at him for letting this be our end, and just... Surprised. And sad. I thought we were moving towards greater commitment these last few months and were just experiencing a temporary roughy patch in the relationship, exacerbated by the many obligations on both our plates. I feel like a moron for making a marriage spreadsheet for someone who can reject me so easily.

 

I've read a few of your other threads - I honestly don't think it sounded like he was moving towards greater commitment at all, although I didn't want to say it then. After 3 years, he doesn't even want to move in with you, or take a vacation with you. While you on the other hand are making marriage spreadsheets about him. There is a huge disconnect in where both of you want the relationship to go.

 

As much as I'm sorry for your loss and pain, I think this may turn out to be the best for you in the end. Another 3 years down the road, if you'd stayed and you were both still in the same situation, you would have greater regrets than if you'd cut your losses now.

[lucy_in_disguise]

I'm having a really hard time coping. It's been 2 weeks now since the breakup. I was nauseous with anxiety all the first week. On the 8th day, he sent me an email to let me know a member of his family passed away. This was not unexpected (the illness was one of the stressors in exbf's life) but it killed me that I could not be there for him. To hold him, to reminisce.

 

I got home from my class at 11 that night and went to the grocery to buy ingredients for blintzes- russian creeps stuffed with fillings like meat, apples, cheese. The closest thing to comfort food I could think of. I stayed up till 4 making blintzes and writing letters to him and his family that I'd never send. The blintzes I did pack up and bring to the office for him. (We work together but not closely- We can definitely avoid each other completely at the office if we choose to.)

 

He sent a note thanking me for the food and saying maybe we could talk, if I felt up for it, when he got came back from the funeral.

 

It has been another week and I haven't heard from him yet. I assume he changed him mind about talking. I wouldn't be surprised if his family discouraged him from it. They supported our relationship in the beginning, but in recent months I have noticed a distinct cooling off. On the night we were breaking up, he threatened to call his sister for help if I didn't leave his place.

 

I just feel so torn up inside. It took me so long but I loved him. I could not really fathom not having him in my life. The way he kissed me each morning, how he was always sneaking looks at my face to see my reaction to things. I wish I had made it easier on both of us to be together. I wish I'd gone with the flow, allowed myself to feel joy, put more effort into making him feel safe. I was always calculating the opportunity cost of his love and I know how difficult that must have made it to be with me. I hate myself for screwing up the best relationship I've ever had.

 

Not sure what I'm looking for here. I know it's over, and most would say that's for the best. But if that's so, why do I feel so sick inside? Why do I feel that breaking up was a mistake?

[Poppygoodwill]

it's perfectly normal to feel what you're feeling. I suggest you just hang on and try to ride it out. Based on what you've written here, and in other threads, it actually wasn't a very good or satisfying relationship in terms of ultimate compatibility and long terms goals. It's easy in the midst of heartbreak to romanticize and rewrite history to make things seem better than they were, but read back over things and remind yourself that you've been unhappy and conflicted yourself for a long while.

 

Hang in there. I know it's very uncomfortable to be suddenly single. Do the things we all do: work out more, go out with friends, watch marathons of chick flicks, visit family. and go NC, for your own peace of mind.

[lucy_in_disguise]

I hope it's as straightforward for me to move past this as everyone seems to expect. Historically I don't have a great track record dealing with break ups- it took me 6 years to move on from one relationship, and my ex wasn't even a nice guy. I'm barely 30, which should give you a sense of my tenacity.

 

But, I don't want to be someone who wallows in self-pity for years, so I'm trying. At least, I'm going through the motions and hoping I eventually feel better. I cant believe how overnight I have gone from lacking the motivation to work out half-assedly 20 minutes 2X a week, to being able to run 13 miles non-stop and barely getting winded. Hard aerobic exercise and breathing through an anxiety attack feel eerily similar. When I run, the origin of pain is forgotten.

 

I have always struggled with the loss aspect of breakups. I feel like every person I lose takes a piece of me with them -something only they could understand, see, bring out in me. My ex and I were so different and for most of our relationship, I struggled with how hard it could be to understand one another. But differences lend a unique perspective, and I miss his.

 

I have a trip planned to my hometown in a couple of weeks. Its been 10 years. It's probably not a great idea to slut myself out to boys I knew in high school, but the prospect is somewhat enticing. I've never done the rebound thing, nor the one-night-stand thing, for that matter. Part of me feels like I ought to take this unique opportunity to knock a couple items off my bucket list. Whether or not the trip devolves into a sex tour, it will be nice to spend some time with people who knew me from when I was still a kid, who can lend me back some pieces of myself, to fill in for the ones I have lost.

Edited August 26, 2014 by lucy_in_disguise

[lucy_in_disguise]

I'm also tempted to make a break for warmer climates. Not that I believe I can run away from my problems, but location was always a major point of contention in my relationship. Ive always wanted to move back to the west coast and my new single status presents an opportunity.

 

I've been here in the Midwest for 6+ years and it's a love-hate relationship for me. Pros: great job, great condo, great friends. Great big city with a ton to do. Appealing culture: family values, down to earth attitudes. I may have been kicking and screaming the whole time, but I have laid down roots here.

 

Cons: it's not the west coast. Need I say more? Nothing compares to the ocean, the redwoods, the cliffs. I miss my native land- being torn away as I was was my first heartbreak.

 

I have read its a bad idea to make life-altering decisions the first few months after a breakup, and I'm trying to keep this in mind. But the prospect of another winter in the midwest really terrifies me. I have never gotten used to the cold and each winter has found me bouncing off the walls with pent up aggression. I hate it here in the winter. It's so depressing. i know i could benefit from making smarter choices to deal with it - a nicer car, a Caribbean vacation - but maybe I should just get the fcvk out of dodge.

Edited August 26, 2014 by lucy_in_disguise

[Turtles]

I have made my share of bad decisions in my life but leaving the Midwest is one I never regretted! Best of luck to you (and no offense to anyone who calls it home - it just isn't for me)

[lucy_in_disguise]

All my psychotic running and loose spending is finally starting to pay off. I felt euphoric today, happier than I have been in... Years? I know it is just runner's high combined with self- satisfaction at having found a great backpack on clearance but damn I feel surprisingly good today. Still miss the ex but doing better about not obsessing.

 

Anxiety and heartache aside, once you get the hang if it, breakups can be very rewarding. I know the drill... Don't talk to him, try not to drink, work out, get a new haircut. All things which bring positive change.

Edited August 27, 2014 by lucy_in_disguise