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my husbands comment about having kids..


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Before we became officially boyfriend and girlfriend, I remember talking with him about him having kids one day (we have been friends for a little while, taking day trips, and use to just talk about different stuff). He said he does want to have kids, but not until he gets. To go back to his country, work on his farm, and get his business here in the states all set. He said it would be a while...and I respect that. He is 32 and I am 25.

On the 17th of this month, we got married after about 14 months of being bf & gf.

After our party, he was just telling e how much he loves me, that he would do anything for me, etc and then he's like '..but we can't have kids.'

I said I'm Definetly not ready for that yet, and not any time soon.

 

Though I do want to have kids someday! I always wanted to have kids by the time I was 28. I just want a family :)

His comment about us not being able to have kids was weird..because he has said it before, but when he said it after our wedding he didn't say YET. He just said 'we cant' haha.. am I over reacting? I'm not ready to have kids yet, but I want a family for sure! Should I ask him about it somehow?

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am I over reacting? I'm not ready to have kids yet, but I want a family for sure! Should I ask him about it somehow?

Well, yes, you are over-reacting if you don't get clarification and are panicking over a single comment.

 

Of course you should talk to him about it. Not even "somehow," but straight forward.

 

"Hey, hun, after our party you made a comment about not having kids. This is different than what you said when we were dating... Care to clarify what you really mean?"

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I would discuss it with him in private and ask him ideally when he'd like to have kids. I don't see any reason to rush though. I am 25 and I don't want any kids until I'm over 30. My husband and I have always been open about these things. He wants kids and he is fine on waiting until I am ready.

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I would clarify that for sure. That's pretty important. Before the wedding I would say it is imperative to know each other's needs on such a grand issue.

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I think he means exactly what he said. He doesn't want to have children. If you do, you need to tell him and see what else he says.

 

As a side note, this is something that really irritates me about my own gender. We try and see 'hidden meanings' in what men say. In my 30 years experience of relationships, I've learnt that there are no hidden meanings. Men mean exactly what they say.

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I think he means exactly what he said. He doesn't want to have children. If you do, you need to tell him and see what else he says.

 

As a side note, this is something that really irritates me about my own gender. We try and see 'hidden meanings' in what men say. In my 30 years experience of relationships, I've learnt that there are no hidden meanings. Men mean exactly what they say.

 

That is my experience too. However, the point is that he said something different before the marriage. It is a very important issue and I would not appreciate being tricked into a marriage not knowing all the facts.

 

On the other hand, it is a terribly important issue and I think the OP should have discussed this in length with her then fiance. I got married at her age and I made too many assumptions too about my ex-husband. That is a mistake I will not repeat.

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I agree. My second husband always said he didn't want children, but might reconsider if I got pregnant when we were married...two forms of birth control fail, I'm pregnant and his first words were 'when are you having the abortion'.

 

He meant what he said and never changed his mind. I wouldn't enter another marriage without having things like children, finances and where we are going to live crystal clear between us. I would also say that if either of us changed our minds, the other would be free to end the relationship.

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Ninjainpajamas

One of the things older guys date younger women for is because it simply buys him time.

 

Older women in their 30's are much more likely to be looking to settle down and have kids immediately, where as with you...you're willing to burn a few years hoping that you'll get what you want someday/in the end. Being younger you're much more easier to contain and vulnerable to buying excuses.

 

Also you mentioned he's from another country? and he seems to be in the mind of business, so is there some other benefit to being married to you? because it seems odd for him to marry you then immediately remind you he doesn't want kids, he seems to feel that this is where the main commitment is.

 

He may not be too worried being married half way around the world, especially if he's essentially still going and coming as he pleases...working on things in his home country, then back in the states..which honestly is going to likely take a very long time to get all of that going if he even succeeds, because if everything is dependent on him becoming "stable" first I think you're going to see him use that as an excuse in having children the rest of the way.

 

While this may seem like a responsible way your guy is thinking, it can often be a half-truth as well...the other half is that he's just buying time and doesn't really want to start a family, or even with you...if things "don't work out" someday, he can simply move on...depends on his agenda, it's much easier to move on when you don't have kids though and something men usually take much more seriously than marriage.

 

I question whether you're being kind of fooled and taken advantage of by this guy, I know guys can be sweet talkers and say this and that, and since you're younger you are even more vulnerable to the BS than older women...but at the end of the day it doesn't really necessarily carry much weight or truth...sounds like he's going to dictate this relationship and he might have you under his thumb if he's experienced, where as a older woman might be much more difficult to keep in place.

 

I think you should really have a serious conversation of what your future goals are, and you need to express and make clear where you want to be, or you could very well be another woman spending years being married "wasting time" then you'll be back on the dating market looking to have kids and settle down...it's better you settle the score and not waste your time now when you have completely different goals and agenda, instead of sit around hoping and waiting he'll come around to having kids...chances are it's not going to happen at 28 without some persistence on your part, for him if he doesn't take you that seriously he'll completely ignore what you want, it depends on the kind of guy he is.

 

You stand a real risk of being used by this guy, I hope you're paying attention to his and other red flags, because if there's a pattern and other things you doubt and question he could be easy to spot...I really even wonder what circumstances brought you to even being married, because it doesn't mesh well with your story...doesn't sound genuine the way things are going.

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. He said it would be a while...and I respect that. He is 32 and I am 25.

On the 17th of this month, we got married after about 14 months of being bf & gf.

.

 

Though I do want to have kids someday! I always wanted to have kids by the time I was 28. I just want a family :)

 

 

This is what you need to repeat to him, very clearly and directly. Divorce becomes harder and harder the longer you stay together. You were just married, and now is the time to have a very clear and specific agreement.

 

 

I respect you wanting to wait, and will do that for you for a while, but I want to have kids in 4 years, by the time I am 28. I will help you with what ever we need to get settled, I want to help all I can, but I don't want to wait more than 4 years. Ok?

 

 

Now if he says things like "well I don't know if we will be moved by then, and if my business will be going and".......then reach up touch his cheek, smile and say "I love you more than anything and will help you with all this getting to where we want to be in 4 years, but I need you to commit to this no matter what my love, we must be there for each other"

Edited by dichotomy
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My husband and I are 25 and 30 and have been together since 16 and 22. We've changed our timeline about kids a few times based on what's going on in our lives and maturity. At first we thought we'd have kids by now (25) and then it was 27 and now I have decided I will be over 30. I'm glad we initially didn't have kids by now...we're just not ready anytime soon. My husband has been fully supportive of it.

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Wanting children is no guarantee of being able to have them. I know tonnes of women who all carefully planned their timings - then either couldn't conceive or (as in one sad case) had 2 still-births and couldn't face the possibility of a third. So one desperately maternal woman without the child she so craved.... :(

Think about why you want children, too. With the global population (oh one more won't make any difference! Really? Ya think??) and the costs involved, and the future of this planet, economically-speaking... think about the wisdom of why precisely, having a child is important to you. Particularly if it doesn't seem a third as important to your spouse.

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Poppygoodwill

I'm afraid people don't joke about stuff like that. They might downplay it, but he wouldn't even say it if he didn't mean it. The fact that he said it so bluntly, after your wedding, should be a big red flag that you need ot have a heart to heart on the matter. And soon, to be sure you have the same intentions and expectations.

 

I know a woman who waited and waited for her husband to be ready, and he never was and she left him just after she turned 40, angry and bitter because she felt she would never have the fmaily she'd always wanted. Then again, she never took him seriously when he said he didn't want kids, or when he dodged it and tried to avoid the topic. She wasn't listening to him, and in the end she got burned by it. Don't be that girl.

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i wouldn't be too worried over this. you haven't been married very long and perhaps he said that because too many things have already changed since marriage, or he thinks they will. like financials, especially. unless you agreed to children right after marriage then his answer is ok, i mean he didn't say no .. and his "not yet" probably means he'll be ready by the time you're 28. but i would clarify it, and make sure to frequently discuss your "family plan" and how you envision the future, so that you stay on the same page and that he remains well aware of your own timeline. there is no reason for you to not be a mom by 28 if that is what you want :-)

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I think this is a huge deal, and if I'm honest I find it amazing that you got married (after a relatively short length of time) without confirming that you both want the same thing. Having children and building a family with and around them is one of the major reasons for getting married. Especially for most peoples first marriages.

 

You are right for your alarm bells to be ringing. To be honest you should have had the conversation on the night of the wedding.

 

You want children, you have made it clear you want children, he has told you, you would be having children together one day and on the day of the wedding, in the speeches your new husband says you won't be having children!!!??

 

WTF!? Either English is not his first language and you misunderstood or he's changed his mind. I still can't believe you haven't raised this with him. Why are you on here asking us if you should talk to your husband about the biggest most important part of your future together?

 

Yes speak to him today! And if he doesn't then get the hell out of there and marry someone who does want children with you.

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... and you don't have to justify your reasons for wanting children.

 

Do not worry about planet over population, costs, or any other old nonsense. Children are expensive but wonderful and brilliant and the best thing ever. You'll never know a love like it!

 

But don't make the mistake of thinking you can postpone for ever because you can't. You are already past your most fertile time of your life (late teens early 20's) and that clock will just keep ticking. Crack on and enjoy them while your young.

Edited by jackslife
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... and you don't have to justify your reasons for wanting children.
I never said justification was necessary. I merely suggested people question their own motives. And there should be a much better reason than 'because it's the done thing'.... or 'my family expects us to have kids', as I have sadly heard....

 

Do not worry about planet over population, costs, or any other old nonsense.

Nonsense? Really?? Planet overpopulation isn't a concern? REALLY?? :rolleyes::mad:

 

Children are expensive but wonderful and brilliant and the best thing ever.

This is funny. You advise to not be worried about costs - and in your next sentence, admit they're expensive. To the tune of a 'quarter-of-a-million-dollars expensive, before they're 18' expensive!

 

You'll never know a love like it!
This is debatable.

I have known people have more affection from their pets than their children. Having children does not guarantee a happy family/parental life. Sometimes, it's soul destroying and heart-breaking. Ask any mother with a child in max security prison, on drugs or even just playing truant from school....And of course, that all depends if you can persuade the husband to have children when he has said he doesn't want them... "Oh, you'll never know a love like it!" "What... you don't love me as much, then?"

 

But don't make the mistake of thinking you can postpone for ever because you can't. You are already past your most fertile time of your life (late teens early 20's) and that clock will just keep ticking. Crack on and enjoy them while your young.

Again, inaccurate. The 'safe' age for a woman to bear children is widening. It is now quite normal for women in their mid-thirties to quite safely conceive and bear children....Granted, there are risks, but the advantages in health care and monitoring make things easier.

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