Jump to content

Wife "cheated" on me, and now I feel like the town clown


Recommended Posts

We moved to this little town in a metro area of texas just a few months ago.

We temporarily stayed in a apartment, before we buy a house.

By the apartment there is this little ****ty biker bar. My wife and I started going there. Mostly her, since I work and she is stay with the kids all day, she often asks for a few hours out of the house.

Going back in time a little, at our previous location, we used to be regulars at a swing club, almost never did swing, but sometimes...

I have been asking her for a couple years allready to have open relationship.

So one day she met this guy at the bar, and called me asking if the deal was still up, bc she met a guy, I said yes.

Problem is, I didnt know he was friends with the owner and the bartenders, belong to the bike club which the bar owner is the president.

And she, instead of having sex once or twice, made a point of making him kinda obsessed for her. She wanted to feel powerfull. The thing dragged so much, it became everyones knowledge.

Me not knowing that (how public it became), I started trying to joing the biker crowd.

Two days ago, she told me that more people know, the bar owner gave her a speech on how she was gonna ruin the guys marriage, yada, yada...

 

I ask you all: should I be embarrased to hang out there and ride with the bikers? should I feel like im the town clown? Or I am being paranoid? Its ok to ride and hang out there?

 

If ur gonna be judgmental, please keep it to yourself.

 

Thank you all!

Link to post
Share on other sites
HereNorThere

It's not cheating if you gave her permission, period. Since you wanted an open relationship, she respectfully fulfilled your wishes. I'm guessing pretty much anyone here would love it if their significant other called and asked permission to be with someone else instead of just doing it.

 

 

This was you choice so need to feel embarrassed.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
The problem is that nobody know I allowed it. She should have been more discreet..

 

Or more open. Why would she not tell the owner and others "we have an open marriage". Why not now?

 

Swinging clubs I get - everyone there is aware of the rules, but an open marriage, and you sleep with with random folks in your neighborhood its going to get out there.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm a biker and a swinger and I'm still not getting this. Could you try to explain it a little more clearly?

 

 

What is your dilemma here? are you feeling like a clown because people think she is cheating on you behind your back or are you feeling like a clown because people know you are letting her bang this dude but you want it to be more discrete and be a little more classy about it???

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
EverySunset

go ride. NO shame here.

 

And quietly put it out there that you're respectful, but your marriage is open. My guess is you will suddenly be overwhelmed with club groupies... Nothing embaressing about that.

 

If you don't like what's getting out, control your end of the information.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I'm a biker and a swinger and I'm still not getting this. Could you try to explain it a little more clearly?

 

 

What is your dilemma here? are you feeling like a clown because people think she is cheating on you behind your back or are you feeling like a clown because people know you are letting her bang this dude but you want it to be more discrete and be a little more classy about it???

 

Because people think she's going behind my back.

 

And she doesn't want to tell people we have open relationship.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
go ride. NO shame here.

 

And quietly put it out there that you're respectful, but your marriage is open. My guess is you will suddenly be overwhelmed with club groupies... Nothing embaressing about that.

 

If you don't like what's getting out, control your end of the information.

 

I think this the best to do. I'll probably try this. She doesn't want to, but she'll will have to suck it up. It's only fair, right?

 

Thanks everyone!

Link to post
Share on other sites
Because people think she's going behind my back.

 

And she doesn't want to tell people we have open relationship.

 

 

 

OK this is a simple boundary issue then.

 

 

Realize that open marriages and swinging and polyamory etc etc can be quite complex. A traditional monogamous marriage has only one rule when it comes to sex with others - DON'T!

it's pretty cut and dried and simple.

 

 

However a couple with an open marriage can have dozens and dozens of different rules and guidelines and boundaries and limits etc etc.

 

 

What I think I am picking up here in your case is you want your wife to be upfront with these people that you two are in agreement on her relationship with him/them and that you are aware of it and giving it your blessing - ......and in return for that you want some acknowledgement and appreciation and respect for that.

 

 

I believe that is fair and legitimate. I think it is a very legitimate and even necessary requirement that she recognize that you are consenting to this and that she will have certain guidelines, rules and restrictions that she will need to follow.

 

 

This is important for both her and this other dude. For her, she is getting a very special gift from you that you are allowing her to have some extra fun on the side without the traditional restrictions of marriage. The least she can do if follow your wishes and guidelines.

 

 

For him it is much the same. You are allowing him a very special priviledge of being with a woman who also happens to be one of the most important things to you. He also needs to respect and honor your generosity and be appreciative of that to you by honoring your rules and boundaries etc.

 

 

This is the very foundation of what open marriage and consensual nonmonogamy is. If she wants complete freedom to do as she pleases and answer to no one in regards to sexuality, all she has to do is be single again and she can fck whoever, whenever and however she wants.

 

 

If she wants to be married and enjoy the benefits and priveledges of marriage, then she needs to follow the rules of the marriage.

 

 

So basically she has two options, follow the rules and guidelines you two establish as a couple in an open marriage - or divorce and be single and do whatever she wants.

 

 

Open marriage is not carte blanche when it comes to sexuality. Quite the opposite, open marriage is a labrynth of rules and boundaries and limits.

 

 

You simply need to do a better job of establishing and enforcing your own boundaries and she needs to do a better job of following them.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites

You have no business having such a relationship if you're married. You might as well STAY single and sleep around as opposed to being married and sleeping around. You're making a joke of the marriage.

 

Nothing good has ever come of these situations.

 

 

We moved to this little town in a metro area of texas just a few months ago.

We temporarily stayed in a apartment, before we buy a house.

By the apartment there is this little ****ty biker bar. My wife and I started going there. Mostly her, since I work and she is stay with the kids all day, she often asks for a few hours out of the house.

Going back in time a little, at our previous location, we used to be regulars at a swing club, almost never did swing, but sometimes...

I have been asking her for a couple years allready to have open relationship.

So one day she met this guy at the bar, and called me asking if the deal was still up, bc she met a guy, I said yes.

Problem is, I didnt know he was friends with the owner and the bartenders, belong to the bike club which the bar owner is the president.

And she, instead of having sex once or twice, made a point of making him kinda obsessed for her. She wanted to feel powerfull. The thing dragged so much, it became everyones knowledge.

Me not knowing that (how public it became), I started trying to joing the biker crowd.

Two days ago, she told me that more people know, the bar owner gave her a speech on how she was gonna ruin the guys marriage, yada, yada...

 

I ask you all: should I be embarrased to hang out there and ride with the bikers? should I feel like im the town clown? Or I am being paranoid? Its ok to ride and hang out there?

 

If ur gonna be judgmental, please keep it to yourself.

 

Thank you all!

Link to post
Share on other sites
Because people think she's going behind my back.

 

And she doesn't want to tell people we have open relationship.

 

Why doesn't she want people to know? Seems like it would cut down on all the drama and gossip. Or maybe that's part of the appeal? Does she not want other women to approach you? If OM is married is she worried about his wife? (In order to do this the "right" way I would think that you wouldn't mess around with someone whose spouse wasn't okay with this.)

Link to post
Share on other sites
The problem is that nobody know I allowed it. She should have been more discreet..

 

 

 

Open means open! Enjoy riding, and let it be known it was a mutual agreement. It will be interesting to see how she reacts when you get to exercise your end of the deal.

 

 

No shame.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
You have no business having such a relationship if you're married. You might as well STAY single and sleep around as opposed to being married and sleeping around. You're making a joke of the marriage.

 

Nothing good has ever come of these situations.

 

Thanks for being judgemental.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Why doesn't she want people to know? Seems like it would cut down on all the drama and gossip. Or maybe that's part of the appeal? Does she not want other women to approach you? If OM is married is she worried about his wife? (In order to do this the "right" way I would think that you wouldn't mess around with someone whose spouse wasn't okay with this.)

 

I know! She should let me tell people. She likes the secrecy and all the bull****.

She swears to god she doesnt mind me getting laid, but I think she subcontiensly gets in my way to do it.

And yes, the guy is married. But his wife doesnt hang out at the bar, no risk of her knowing (and I couldnt care less if she does).

Link to post
Share on other sites
And yes, the guy is married. But his wife doesnt hang out at the bar, no risk of her knowing (and I couldnt care less if she does).
Sorry if this is just a trivial part of your problem, but is that a 'not related, don't care' statement I read? Do you mean it doesn't matter if your (or your wife's) action contribute to unjust and hurt towards others (that guy's wife)?

 

I know everyone has their own style, but somehow I always thought the swinging community emphasis so much on openness and respect. That's what I kinda admire about them.

 

Open marriage is not carte blanche when it comes to sexuality. Quite the opposite, open marriage is a labrynth of rules and boundaries and limits.
^This is the first thing many should've realize and accept from the beginning.
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Sorry if this is just a trivial part of your problem, but is that a 'not related, don't care' statement I read? Do you mean it doesn't matter if your (or your wife's) action contribute to unjust and hurt towards others (that guy's wife)?

 

I know everyone has their own style, but somehow I always thought the swinging community emphasis so much on openness and respect. That's what I kinda admire about them.

 

^This is the first thing many should've realize and accept from the beginning.

 

 

I meant, I won't worry about his wife. She is his responsibility. No one forced him to do anything. He should worry about her feelings.

Link to post
Share on other sites
We moved to this little town in a metro area of texas just a few months ago.

We temporarily stayed in a apartment, before we buy a house.

By the apartment there is this little ****ty biker bar. My wife and I started going there. Mostly her, since I work and she is stay with the kids all day, she often asks for a few hours out of the house.

Going back in time a little, at our previous location, we used to be regulars at a swing club, almost never did swing, but sometimes...

I have been asking her for a couple years allready to have open relationship.

So one day she met this guy at the bar, and called me asking if the deal was still up, bc she met a guy, I said yes.

Problem is, I didnt know he was friends with the owner and the bartenders, belong to the bike club which the bar owner is the president.

And she, instead of having sex once or twice, made a point of making him kinda obsessed for her. She wanted to feel powerfull. The thing dragged so much, it became everyones knowledge.

Me not knowing that (how public it became), I started trying to joing the biker crowd.

Two days ago, she told me that more people know, the bar owner gave her a speech on how she was gonna ruin the guys marriage, yada, yada...

 

I ask you all: should I be embarrased to hang out there and ride with the bikers? should I feel like im the town clown? Or I am being paranoid? Its ok to ride and hang out there?

 

If ur gonna be judgmental, please keep it to yourself.

 

Thank you all!

 

This is why I don't think open marriages work. I mean what's the point. i'm sorry you're feeling bad I think maybe you should rethink monogamy.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
This is why I don't think open marriages work. I mean what's the point. i'm sorry you're feeling bad I think maybe you should rethink monogamy.

 

That's is just not what I asked.

Link to post
Share on other sites
WrinkledForehead

I agree with setting rules and boundaries you've both agreed upon. Either you're both open and honest about the dynamics of your relationship and expect respect as a couple in the public eye, or you are both discrete about the dynamics and anything related (side relationships of flings, blatant flirting in public in front of others, etc), essentially putting on the airs of being in a monogamous relationship for public presentation.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You should be embarrassed. I would be mortified if people knew I gave my consent to be a cuck.

 

It is clear that she does not want an open ended marriage. Her desire to keep it a secret is because she is getting off on sleeping with other guys with your knowledge while you are waiting in the sides.

Edited by sabre80
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...