Mapper71 Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 And it really pisses me off! He takes off work (without pay) at LEAST once a week. Usually because he's tired or he had an argument with a co-worker or because he just wants to play his video game. This has been going on for years. I see his texts to his boss and it's usually he hurt his back somehow. He fell on the ice, he lifted something the wrong way, he pulled it while fixing the car, etc. Then not only can he not go in that day, but then there's usually the follow up the next day of "I will be a few hours late because I have a doctor's appt first thing." Of course then come 8AM he texts again "Oh the doctor got me in to see the chiropractor at 10AM so I won't be in today." I mean really his boss must think he is the clumsiest guy around with weekly doctor's appts. He is in a union and has FMLA which always seems to work for him even if he's not sick so as long as he has a fake excuse he isn't getting fired. Well last week he got up at 4AM as usual to go to work, but then decided he didn't want to go and texted his boss something. I didn't know what he said but he reset his alarm for 6AM like he was going in a few hours late. Well I got up at 6 and left at 7 and he was still asleep. I got home that night and checked his texts. His first text that morning to his boss was 'My wife's car isn't running well and she needs me to give her a ride to work. Will be in at 8AM." Well then at about 7:30 he texted him "Bad car issues. I'm on the side of the road with a broke down car waiting on a tow truck. Thought wife was crazy. Won't be in today". Okay so my car wasn't running well so you gave me a ride in in MY car and then it breaks down at the side of the road? That makes no sense! Wouldn't you take YOUR car to give me a ride?? And then to tell his boss that "Thought my wife was crazy" really irked me! Thought I was crazy about what? The car having fake issues? So H works 2 hours of OT on Tuesday because they NEED to get this project done. When I get home Tuesday night he tells me that he needs to get to bed by 7 because he needs to be in by 3AM tomorrow to work early overtime so I should set the coffee pot to no later than 2:15. He also has a root canal appt at 10:45 so he will need to leave work at 10AM (and not go back afterwards, of course). Well right there with him being so adamant about getting to bed early I know he won't and I am pretty sure he won't be going to work at all. Sure enough he starts having a few drinks and playing his video game. At 8:30 I hear "Just 10 more minutes and I'll be in to bed". Well he doesn't come in until almost 9:30 and then sits up reading for 30 minutes. The alarm goes off at 2:30 and he of course resets it for his usual 4AM. Guess no overtime huh? Then at 4AM he turns it off, sits up in bed thinking about what he's going to do and then out comes the phone and he texts his boss something. Who knows what the excuse was this time. No work today and I mean why WOULD you go to work when you have an appt at 10:45...more than 5 hours after you start work?! Then last night as cleaning up after dinner he tells me "Yeah I just couldn't get myself up for work this morning thanks to you bringing home that Fireball whiskey on a Tuesday. You NEED to bring that stuff home on Friday's not during the week okay." So it's MY fault that you had too much and couldn't get yourself up??!! I should have known that you couldn't drink it during the week? Was I holding a gun to your head and feeding you shots? You drink 4 or 5 beers every night and get by fine! You drink whiskey and water all the time and get by fine. But you do a few shots of fireball and it's all my fault? I say to him "Oh really? it's ALL MY FAULT?" He immediately goes into exasperated mode and goes "I'm just asking you this one simple thing. Could you please do that from now on?" I said "I can just go ahead and hide it from you" and I barely could get those words out before he goes "No how is that going to do any good? You'll still be drinking it". Really? Says who? So you don't want me to hide it from you but if it's there you're going to drink it. And it all comes down to being my fault you couldn't go to work! Classic! Same thing this morning. He gets up at 4AM, gets dressed, goes out into the kitchen then apparently feels like he should text his boss with yet another made up reason he couldn't come in and comes back to bed and is currently still there as I am about to leave for work. I wonder what the excuse is this time? The dentist botched the root canal and he is in extreme pain and didn't sleep at all and therefore can't go to work? The dentist wants him to come back in today to do more work on it? Possibilities are endless. Oh and when I asked him how it went yesterday he told me it was great. He was out in about an hour and he has no pain. Link to post Share on other sites
SJS Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 Dude, your life sucks. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
imfine Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 Sounds like your husband won't have a job for much longer. I'd be focused on squirreling back some cash. I do feel for you. It would be difficult to stay with someone that irresponsible. He needs to grow up. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted July 10, 2014 Author Share Posted July 10, 2014 Sounds like your husband won't have a job for much longer. I'd be focused on squirreling back some cash. I do feel for you. It would be difficult to stay with someone that irresponsible. He needs to grow up. No that is the thing! He WILL have this job because it's union and he has FMLA which he uses as his excuse every time and as long as he can back it up he's fine. The doctor signs off on it every 3 months and the managers I'm sure know it's a bunch of hooey but they can't do anything because of the union. He's been doing this for a good 4 years now. His yearly pay is going down not up even though he's making about $20 more an hour than when he started! Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 No that is the thing! He WILL have this job because it's union and he has FMLA which he uses as his excuse every time and as long as he can back it up he's fine. The doctor signs off on it every 3 months and the managers I'm sure know it's a bunch of hooey but they can't do anything because of the union. He's been doing this for a good 4 years now. His yearly pay is going down not up even though he's making about $20 more an hour than when he started! I still do not see how if he keeps this up, that even the jobs with the most job security will keep him...especially if he continues doing this without a doctor's note. I mean, it's just so obvious to his employer that he's making up all kinds of excuses. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted July 10, 2014 Author Share Posted July 10, 2014 I still do not see how if he keeps this up, that even the jobs with the most job security will keep him...especially if he continues doing this without a doctor's note. I mean, it's just so obvious to his employer that he's making up all kinds of excuses. And then if I get angry about it he'll go "Well you should see other people at work! Some of them take a month off and come back no problem". Well whoop dee do and good for them! So you are doing absolutely nothing wrong?? He went to work one morning and came home an hour later saying NOBODY was there! A company of 10,000 people and NOBODY was there? He goes "Well my boss and his boss weren't there and my partner texted and said he wasn't coming". So that gives you a free pass not to be there? Link to post Share on other sites
Candice Luna Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 Your history is flooded with posts like "I feel so much freer when my husband isn't around!", "Stepdaughter didn't get yelled at by my husband but I would have!" or "Husband's emotional cheating with ex". In this one, you're complaining about his work habits. Looks like you're losing respect for him and also that everything he does is wrong, according to you. It doesn't seem to me that this marriage is going well. Just my 2 cents. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 OP, why do you want to continue in this marriage? What do you get out of it? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 And then if I get angry about it he'll go "Well you should see other people at work! Some of them take a month off and come back no problem". Well whoop dee do and good for them! So you are doing absolutely nothing wrong?? He went to work one morning and came home an hour later saying NOBODY was there! A company of 10,000 people and NOBODY was there? He goes "Well my boss and his boss weren't there and my partner texted and said he wasn't coming". So that gives you a free pass not to be there? You need to let go of a need to control this. I get how it is very annoying and aggravating to see your husband being a lazy bum, but his actions are not your responsibility. I would make sure you are squirreling away a rainy day fund for when he loses his job, and would let go of the rest of it. And I wouldn't bring whiskey (or any other alcohol) home at all, since he has issues with it. If you want a drink, go out to a bar and have one, or get something single-serve for yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted July 10, 2014 Author Share Posted July 10, 2014 You need to let go of a need to control this. I get how it is very annoying and aggravating to see your husband being a lazy bum, but his actions are not your responsibility. I would make sure you are squirreling away a rainy day fund for when he loses his job, and would let go of the rest of it. And I wouldn't bring whiskey (or any other alcohol) home at all, since he has issues with it. If you want a drink, go out to a bar and have one, or get something single-serve for yourself. Trust me, money is not an issue with me and I had a lot more before I met him but I still would not have a problem if I was on my own. He can't save a nickel and spends it as fast as he makes it...well what little he makes of it! The vehicles are in my name, I have paid for or brought with me all our furniture. The only thing that is truly his is his computer and computer desk! If I wasn't in his life he would be homeless with nothing! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 Try this. Don't pay attention to what your H does or doesn't do. Work, step daughter, stuff around the house. Just focus on you and try to make peace with how things are. Your H has issues, he's not going to change. Just about everything he does, says, behaves, acts etc., bugs the crap out of you. So, just stop. Take a deep breath...let it go. Your H is a man child. You can't do or say anything to him to make things change right? Try your best not to let it all get to you. You might actually start to feel better. Laugh it off when he blames you for everything. Make a joke of it and walk away and never show him IF it bugs you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted July 17, 2014 Author Share Posted July 17, 2014 I am at my wit's end! My husband is in a union and really hates his job. He doesn't really hate the job he just can't seem to get along with anyone he works with and I am sure he is the problem not them. When he has a blowout with someone at work or someone rubs him the wrong way or accuses him of not doing his job, he'll take days off without pay. Ever since he started getting FMLA about 3 years ago he takes time off for anything from a headache, to not getting enough sleep, to wanting to stay home and play video games to simply not wanting to go to work. He "only" gets 4 days off a month for FMLA and he never needs to have a doctor's note or anything just needs to have it re certified every 6 months or so. Yet he takes way more time off than that and doesn't get fired. He is currently on day 7 of not going to work. These spurts happen every few months. Sometimes it's just a day and other times it's weeks off. One time last year he didn't go in for a full month! He has given multiple excuses from stomach aches to no sleep to whatever but it comes down to he's sick of his job. He has worked in multiple areas of the factory and never staying long because he has issues with at least one person. He asked me last night if there were any openings where I work. I told him about 3 months ago that a job opened up that his MIGHT be able to do (unlikely though) and asked if he wanted to see the job posting. He was all excited and said definitely. I printed it out and handed it to him and he promptly told me to put it on the coffee table and he'd look at it shortly. 3 days went by and the paper never moved. I asked him if he looked at it. He took about a 5 second glance at it and said "Well I'm so ingrained at my job now that I'll just stick it out there". I don't think he's motivated to even update his resume. He now has been asking a friend about a job on the ferries but there's no jobs available and you have to pay $4000 just to get into the union. He JUST maxed out in pay too at his current job. Made a $12/hr jump in May to $36 an hour. Said how we'd be on easy street from here on out. He has yet to work a full paycheck to see just what that would be. He couldn't pay his share of bills or mortgage at $24/hr and even with what he is making now is only coming home with $800 a paycheck after child support and his loan payments are taken out. His next paycheck will only have 3 days on it rather than 10! He will never find a job that pays as much as his one does now. Of course I should have known when he maxed out that he would immediately want to find another job where he'll probably have to start at $15/hr. If I bring up how I hate he's doing this he'll immediately get defensive and tell me I have a great job and don't know what it's like to work with idiots and how he needs to find a job where he's happy. I agree, but not if it means moving to the bottom of the ladder again at 46 years old to most likely start a job that you'll hate in 2 months anyways. What can I do to convince him to stay at his job and go to work? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 What can I do to convince him to stay at his job and go to work? Nothing :( . He sounds as though he might be experiencing anxiety or depression. Do they offer counseling through his job? Unless he deals with his issues, nothing will change. And if he turns out to be only suffering from laziness and lack of ambition, change will have to come from you. You'll have to choose between lowering your expectations or finding a new mailing address... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 you can't do anything. He is lazy and irresponsible. You can't make him change. And why would he want to. He has a pretty sweet deal. He can go in as he wants, miss day, not get fired, ad not worry about money because you pick up the pieces. So you need to figure out if you can continue to live like this. As a side not what he is doing makes me really angry. He is screwing FMLA up for everyone who is actually sick or disable by working the system. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted July 17, 2014 Author Share Posted July 17, 2014 Nothing :( . He sounds as though he might be experiencing anxiety or depression. Do they offer counseling through his job? Unless he deals with his issues, nothing will change. And if he turns out to be only suffering from laziness and lack of ambition, change will have to come from you. You'll have to choose between lowering your expectations or finding a new mailing address... Mr. Lucky Yes they offer counseling and so many times he has said he needs to go and talk to someone but never does. One time he finally did and came home and said "They didn't tell me anything I didn't already know" and that was the end of that. And if I get upset that he's taking this time off he will turn it into a pity party for himself that he just can't work with idiots and how I don't understand what he has to go through because I work with cool people. Well there's one coworker who I have to sit next to who I really can't stand and she drives me nuts because she never shuts up. You don't see me taking weeks off at a time because I can't deal with her! You are an adult! Do you think you are the only person in the world who hates their job?? Other people can't take weeks off without pay or they'd be fired! Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 We have asked before - why are you staying? You can't do anything about your irresponsible husband, but you CAN take pro-active responsibility for yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted July 17, 2014 Author Share Posted July 17, 2014 We have asked before - why are you staying? You can't do anything about your irresponsible husband, but you CAN take pro-active responsibility for yourself. I can't leave. Yes I am financially stable to leave, but I just can't. Even though he is acting like a child and has no motivation, I would feel bad about leaving him with nothing. There's always hope that he'll change, but I'm 99.999% sure he won't! Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 Then you are enabling him. When/If you force him to stand on his feet, he either will or he won't. But it will be on HIS SHOULDERS to fend for himself. If he can't, it is not your responsibility. You are not his mother. Or maybe you get off on this drama? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted July 17, 2014 Author Share Posted July 17, 2014 Then you are enabling him. When/If you force him to stand on his feet, he either will or he won't. But it will be on HIS SHOULDERS to fend for himself. If he can't, it is not your responsibility. You are not his mother. Or maybe you get off on this drama? I hate it! I'm too flipping shy and meek to stand up to him about it though because he WILL turn it right around on me. How I don't understand what he has to go through at work. Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 I can't leave. Yes I am financially stable to leave, but I just can't. Even though he is acting like a child and has no motivation, I would feel bad about leaving him with nothing. There's always hope that he'll change, but I'm 99.999% sure he won't! At $36 an hour, he'd have something if he just went to work. The only reason he'd have "nothing" is because you, the union and his bosses are enabling him to be lazy. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 Stepping up and doing a trial separation from him may be the only way he gets his act together. He's not going to change anytime soon unless you show him you're serious about walking away from this if he doesn't get it together. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 I hate it! I'm too flipping shy and meek to stand up to him about it though because he WILL turn it right around on me. Why are you so shy and meek? Why not just pack and leave? You won't be there for him to "turn it right around on" you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 There's always hope that he'll change, but I'm 99.999% sure he won't! So you're betting your future on something with .001% chance of success? Don't like those odds ... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mapper71 Posted July 17, 2014 Author Share Posted July 17, 2014 Why are you so shy and meek? Why not just pack and leave? You won't be there for him to "turn it right around on" you. Just plain guilt. Even though I have every right to yell at him and leave I would feel bad about bringing down his self esteem even more. Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 Just plain guilt. Even though I have every right to yell at him and leave I would feel bad about bringing down his self esteem even more. Don't feel guilty. He makes plenty to be on his own. All he needs to do is get out of bed and go to work. Link to post Share on other sites
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