Miss Awesome Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 What's your experience? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 I personally prefer it so have only lived with my marital partner. No lovers, no roommates. I do make allowances for my old male cat. I liked the clarity of the choice, specifically while dating. No ambiguity about the intimacy and relationship-building process. The most difficult issue with that choice has been, in my demographic anyway, finding a like-minded partner. I think my exW tolerated it but her choices after we split up were probably more in line with her natural style. Hence, the search, and living alone, continues. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 Unless you are religious, why wouldn't you co-habit? What difference would it make? Some people co-habit and never marry and are together forever, other people marry and split up very quickly. I co habited, had a child, then got married and that worked for me... mind you I am a WS so maybe it's not such a good example. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 Not living together before marriage leads to insufficient information about potential deal-breakers, and I advise in favor of living together for at least a year before making a final decision about marriage. I also think that knowing each other at least 3 years in a serious dating sense is essential before marrying. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 I lived with somebody for over 10 years In the end it meant nothing. My then FI moved in about 90 days before our wedding because his lease was up. I actually thought that made the wedding a bit smoother. We were together to deal with last minute things. He helped with the RSVPs & there was one less thing to do when we got home from the HM In the end it's a choice. Many people think it's a required test run. I don't agree. I see it more as moving too fast initially -- rushing to play house -- but then using it to avoid real commitment. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
radman Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 Wife and I didn't and it was because of religious reasons. Didn't hurt us either. We are going strong. In the end, I don't think it's necessary for everyone to do. Not saying one way is better than the other. But that goes both ways: I find it's those that are in favor of cohabitation that are NOW the more vocal ones about it being "the only way" and anyone that doesn't do it is being foolish. Link to post Share on other sites
carrie_o Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 I would feel a bit nervous about marrying someone if I had never lived with them. I feel like it's a good "practice marriage" so you can see what it would really be like to be married to that person but with an easier escape if you find that you two aren't right for each other. It isn't necessary but I wouldn't feel right marrying someone without living together for a bit. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 I think you would have to be totally crazy to get married before living with someone. When you live with someone you learn a whole lot more than you knew before! Marriage is not meant to be a surprise throw of a dice. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 Such was a concern of mine, having socialized in a demographic where cohabitation was common, but I found zero surprises when transitioning from dating to being engaged and spending multiple days between each other's residences in advance of being married, to being married and cohabiting. Sure, I may have ignored some things, but that's on me. When reflecting on it honestly, all the 'stuff', good and other, was there all along. Nothing changed when getting married. Link to post Share on other sites
SJS Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 Personally, I would prefer to live together before marriage, but that's just me. I think it just depends on the couple and their views. I know lots of couples who didn't live together beforehand and are fine, just like lots that did and are fine. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Miss Awesome Posted July 9, 2014 Author Share Posted July 9, 2014 Unless you are religious, why wouldn't you co-habit? What difference would it make? Sometimes there are very practical reasons not to cohabitate. By reasons not to cohabitate, I mean barriers. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Miss Awesome Posted July 9, 2014 Author Share Posted July 9, 2014 Not living together before marriage leads to insufficient information about potential deal-breakers, and I advise in favor of living together for at least a year before making a final decision about marriage. I also think that knowing each other at least 3 years in a serious dating sense is essential before marrying. I think you would have to be totally crazy to get married before living with someone. When you live with someone you learn a whole lot more than you knew before! Marriage is not meant to be a surprise throw of a dice. What kinds of things do you think living together reveals? Seems to me that it's very possible to determine whether you want someone to be your life partner without having lived together. I mean, if you're compatible in the major ways, can't the details of living together be worked out? Especially if you both have the attitude that you will have to work and compromise in order to make the marriage work. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 Sometimes there are very practical reasons not to cohabitate. By reasons not to cohabitate, I mean barriers. That's a good point. In our case, such a choice (cohabiting prior to marriage) would have meant either of us uprooting our businesses and moving sixty miles away, with the attendant financial and emotional costs, and without any clear agreement regarding our commitment, other than saying we want to live together. Perhaps this type of scenario is indicative of another aspect regarding choice, in the older, more 'settled' and established people can indeed run into 'barriers' they might not otherwise have faced when younger and more mobile. As anecdotes, so far amongst a half-dozen tenants, all of whom are younger (generally 30's-40's) and employed, rather than business owners, more of them have been living together without being married. One couple got married while a tenant, but had been living together and had two children prior. Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 I didn't co-habitat before marrying my ex husband. I can't say that I have regrets about that in particular. Whatever issues we had initially had more to do with being young and not just because we didn't live together before marriage. Now that I've done the married and divorce thing and have now been on my own for the past 5 years, I would DEFINITELY live together before I would ever even consider marrying again. To each their own. Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 I know statistics show more divorce for people who are living together before marriage...but from my experience, how do you know that your daily habits will click? I hear from dissatisfied women all the time how their husbands are slobs and that they are doing most of the housework and etc. Plus there's also the financial aspect. Who will manage the monthly expenses...how will you manage a joint account and etc. You could end up deciding later that you have no clue how you are going to run a household together. Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 What kinds of things do you think living together reveals?. Of course things can work out and you may know that you can and will work together to resolve issues, but many people proceed to marriage even in the face of obvious (to others, at least!) incompatibilities. These are harder to overlook if you live with them daily for a while. Living together reveals: attitudes and assumptions about gender roles, sharing or taking responsibility for chores, possible addictions or obsessions that could have been hidden previously, financial irresponsibility or priorities when expenses are shared, how outside interests and relationships may impact the relationship now that you don't have time apart like before, changes in attitudes about sex (when you don't live together, it may be more special because it only happens when you see each other, which may not be daily) and particularly issues about frequency and relative libido, managing social engagements as a couple with friends and family, habits that may create friction that weren't noticeable living apart, issues about control, negotiation, decision making, and many other things of this nature. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppygoodwill Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 I have lived with a few boyfriends over the years and mainly I'd say we were playing house, without taking it too seriously. That might have been my fault because I was frightened of serious commitment. But we didn't really bond over living together. It wasn't really an adventure because each time we did it wihtout the intention of it going anywhere. Often it was just more convenient than anything. My husband and I married without having lived together, though we did live about 40 feet apart in a UN camp for a year before we got engaged. What you learn cohabiting is the habits that someone has when they don't think anyone is looking. Ie. do they spend a whole lot of time in the bathroom or pick their teeth at the table or any number of things that - being on good behaviour - you didn't learn during courtship. But one way or another you find them out and have to figure out how to live with them. Maybe best when you've committed all the way in marriage, so you can't just balk and run at the little things. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
devilish innocent Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 I think there's a big difference between living together before marriage by delaying the wedding versus living together before marriage by moving in together much sooner. I suspect doing it the first way would help lower your chances of divorce. The idea that you might discover more of the person's flaws seems to have some merit. On the other hand, though, are couples who just move in together much sooner and then plan on getting married more or less at the same time they would have anyway. I suspect this actually raises your chances of ending up in a bad marriage. If you're just dating, you usually still spend enough time with the other person to discover the major flaws anyway. If it's not working out, you just end things. On the other hand, once you've moved in with somebody, it becomes a lot harder to leave the relationship. I think you're more likely to end up stuck in the relationship and giving in to marriage then you would have otherwise. So as far whether living together first is better, it all depends on how you go about it. Link to post Share on other sites
PerfectStorm Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 Before marriage, for sure, yes. But moving in together before a serious longterm commitment or discussions/plans of the future or marriage together. No way. Moving sucks. I better know what you want & where this is going before I depend on you or rearrange my life. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 (edited) I don't think anything is wrong with not living with someone until you marry them. I have no plans of living with anyone until we're at least engaged. I could say live with my fiance before marriage but I don't think living with someone is a necessary part of dating relationships. Some people seem to live with several bfs/gfs over their lives but for me that step is reserved for a larger commitment, like being engaged, but isn't just this natural progression within a relationship for me. The idea that only living with someone will clue you in on dealbreakers is silly IMO...it means you never knew them at all. If you've been together say 3 years and have gone on vacations, have had hundreds of sleep overs in that time, bought things together, dealt with any issues, met their family and more importantly TALKED, living together shouldn't provide any huge surprises. You may have to get used to them being there 24/7, but that adjustment should not be some huge adjustment or huge surprise. We're not talking about being in a LDR and only seeing each other a couple times a year and then all of a sudden you marry and move in..we're talking I assume about the average relationship where you're together for several years so have A LOT of data and experiences of "playing house" to see them and know about their habits and values and how they deal with things. If people are talking about annoying habits, if someone is compatible with you and you want to marry them, the fact that they leave socks on the floor or pee on the toilet seat should not end the entire relationship. My bf and I don't live together but we've spent enough sleepovers, even early on for me to already be able to observe his good and bad living habits and we've talked about money and had to pay for certain things together, gone grocery shopping etc. for me to also get a sense of his good and bad money habits. If we're together for 3 more years and decide to get married, I don't think our marriage will fail or I will find anything to be "shocked" about the moment we marry and move in. The difference is he'd be there all the time and we'd be paying for stuff together all the time but I know what he does when he gets up in the morning, when he comes home from work, etc...and just as we've navigated it while dating, I don't see why once we marry it would all of a sudden end the relationship. I also think that the excitement and honeymoon may last longer and bond a couple when once they say "I do" it actually marks a new chapter in their lives where they're just now moving in and making things official...I think that newness can bond a newly married couple and give them some momentum vs. if you've lived together already. Edited July 10, 2014 by MissBee 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Clockwork Posted July 15, 2014 Share Posted July 15, 2014 Didn't live together before marriage. Had sex, but didn't live together. I'll be honest to the prospective couples out there wanting to marry. I kissed the odd frog before I met my Queen. One thing was different about my wife. I knew - I KNEW - she was the one a couple weeks into it. Simple as that. Deep, deep down I knew it and this was the only time in my life I had felt this way. Living together for at least one year before committing to marriage? Nah. That's only for people scared of their own shadow. You either know, or you don't. Simple as that and it doesn't take long at all to find out. Everyone has little quirks about them that you learn about once you live together but it isn't a deal breaker. No one got a divorce from someone because they mowed the lawn or did the dishes less than normal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
learning_slowly Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 I would definitely live together first. People are so different when its going out on dates. Until you live with somebody you won't really know whether you can put up with them for the rest of your life. But then it depends how sacred you both hold marriage? Most people these days do it without enough preparation. There are pre marital courses which help you think about problems you may have in the future etc too. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 It seems like it doesn't make sense, but the numbers do not lie. You are at significantly higher risk of divorce living together before marriage. There are lots of different theories as to why, but the one that seems to make sense is about the true, life changing event. When you marry and move in together, it makes the commitment and life change that much more real. Otherwise, what did you really do except have a party and sign a paper? Also, it should be in a place new to both of you, not one of your places. Its symbolizes your new life together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Miss Awesome Posted July 30, 2014 Author Share Posted July 30, 2014 I would definitely live together first. People are so different when its going out on dates. Until you live with somebody you won't really know whether you can put up with them for the rest of your life. But then it depends how sacred you both hold marriage? Most people these days do it without enough preparation. There are pre marital courses which help you think about problems you may have in the future etc too. I think there's some middle ground between going out on dates and living together. What I mean is that one can spend a lot of time with someone in a lot of different situations and get to know them and their tendencies that way without actually living with that person. Are you saying that people who don't live together don't necessarily see marriage as being sacred in the way that people who live together first do? Or are you saying that living together isn't as important if you are committed to making the marriage work and not divorcing? Or something else? It seems like it doesn't make sense, but the numbers do not lie. You are at significantly higher risk of divorce living together before marriage. There are lots of different theories as to why, but the one that seems to make sense is about the true, life changing event. When you marry and move in together, it makes the commitment and life change that much more real. Otherwise, what did you really do except have a party and sign a paper? Also, it should be in a place new to both of you, not one of your places. Its symbolizes your new life together. I've read that those studies are misleading and that it's not just about living together or not before marriage, that it's more about the reasons behind living together that influence divorce rate. It's much easier, for example, to move in with someone out of convenience (i.e., splitting the bills and saving money) and end up sliding into marriage because you feel it's the next step than to make a firm decision to spend the rest of your life with someone. Link to post Share on other sites
EverySunset Posted August 8, 2014 Share Posted August 8, 2014 I cohabited three times. Thankfully so! The first and I were engaged, but he had really hidden sexual issues. Deal breakers. I asked him if we could work on them and he wasn't ready. That's ok, not mad. We broke up. The second was a closeted drunk. Took me a year to see it, long enough for him to not be able to hide it anymore. When I found out, he proposed in a long shot attempt to keep me. I said I wanted to wait until he got a grip on his drinking first, I would work with him, get help, etc., buuuuut he went on a violent drinking binge and even got locked up (not related to me) for a while a few weeks after I couldn't take the downward spiral. Sad. I married the third, after a long cohabit and engagement. I thought I knew him, but I only knew him at the time. He cheated on me secretly for years. Left him once I found out. So is cohabiting the be all, end all? Nah. But it certainly helps you make better choices, IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
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