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Wife not interested in sex....but walks around half naked


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For the past 14 years my wife and i have been at opposite ends of the sexual interest scale. And while that has been rather hard on me and our relationship i have chosen to stay with her. I know part of the issue lies with a chronic nerve issue she has had to deal with for the past 13 years and realize she is consumed with pain and discomfort daily.

 

The problem is I continue to find her incredibly attractive and sexy which makes it difficult to suppress my feelings. While she has long ago stopped wearing lingerie, she will dress very skimpy in the summer months, and around our pool will wear a tiny bikini and often no top (we have no kids, a private back yard and rarely have company - she never dresses this way when others are around). Many nights she will go without pants/shorts or even panties while in bed, and thinks nothing of walking around topless. I am struggling with this as she has made it clear that she "just has no sexual feelings anymore" yet i have more than ever. Just last night she called me in to the bathroom while she was sitting on the tub waxing her bikini line, then afterwords had a swim with me while wearing only a white shirt.

 

When we have discussed this she said i was being silly, and that it is her house too and she has the right to be comfortable. Granted her nerve condition does wreak havoc with her internal thermostat and makes wearing certain clothing uncomfortable. When i explain how i feel about seeing her naked her she says "you would feel that way about any naked women" and "just get over it".

 

We have been together for 15 years, only the first year were we on the same page regarding sexual desire. For the past 10 years we only have sex when i initiate, on only ever 6 weeks (or more).

 

I care for and love my wife dearly and want to make this work, and yet find myself avoiding looking at her.

 

Dr.J.

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GorillaTheater

Jesus, this is a tough one. I think I'd opt for avoiding looking at her too, for lack of a better way of dealing with it. She's not teasing you, per se, but she's certainly not making your struggle with your libido any easier. Two things come to mind:

 

1) Are you satisfied that she's taking taking reasonable medical steps to deal with her condition?

 

2) Are you satisfied that she's taking reasonable measures to maintain whatever intimacy and sexual relationship she's capable of (BJ/HJ)?

 

Bottom line perhaps to both questions: do you feel like she makes your marriage and relationship a priority?

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Basically this entire situation is all bad. She's lost all sexual interest and expects you to follow suit.

 

 

No sir.

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1) Are you satisfied that she's taking taking reasonable medical steps to deal with her condition?

 

2) Are you satisfied that she's taking reasonable measures to maintain whatever intimacy and sexual relationship she's capable of (BJ/HJ)?

 

Bottom line perhaps to both questions: do you feel like she makes your marriage and relationship a priority?

1) physically yes, but mentally no. She refuses to admit she is depressed and will not see a therapist.

 

2) no. She has not given me a BJ since our first anniversary, and laughed the last time i asked for a HJ (we are jot in high school she said). Our last discussion about her lack of interest was over a year ago. We agreed that due to her condition she has no interest and therefore instead of waiting for her to be interested we would plan a regular night. I asked her to set the date/freq and she never did. Not even once.

 

 

I do not feel she makes the relationship a priority and i fear the next step is separation. I am feeling like she is only with me because she needs me (and not because she wants me).

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Basically this entire situation is all bad. She's lost all sexual interest and expects you to follow suit. No sir.

That is how it feels.

 

 

And when i bring that up it always comes back to

"Live a day with my pain and see how much you want sex".

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Why do guys put up with this? Id quickly divorce a woman not meeting my intimacy needs and then being a tease about it. Dont waste your life not feeling loved and desired.

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GorillaTheater
That is how it feels.

 

 

And when i bring that up it always comes back to

"Live a day with my pain and see how much you want sex".

 

Hard to argue with, because it's probably a nice mix of validity and manipulative shaming. It's the "validity" part that trips you up.

 

If the relationship isn't working for you, and she's not doing her part to work on it, that pretty much spells doom for the relationship. Or at least it should, because your other option is to stick with it, probably at least partially out of guilt, and wind up boiled alive in your own resentment.

 

I'd advise letting her know that the relationship is headed for a divorce the way things are going, but that you want to work with her to avoid that. Her subsequent words, and much more importantly, her actions, will tell you pretty clearly which path to follow.

 

You might want to find a good marriage counselor. Shop around for one who works for you, since MCs are definitely not created equal. If nothing else, a good one will help you two effectively communicate. She refuses? See previous paragraph.

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Let me add,

 

I understand she has medical issues...but the way shes handling things is very off putting and kinda a slap in the face in my opinion.

 

Sure you care about her, and sure she has issues going on...but are you supposed to suffer and feel lonely the rest of your life? Dont waste your life not feeling loved and desired.

 

EDIT:

 

And unless you have been with her to the doctor, seen evidence of her condition, and see her take meds as well...Id be spectacle of her lack of interest in sex. She has no interest in sex, but she keeps her body sexy, does bikini waxes, and outright teases you? Aside from the medical condition, this story sounds similar to those stories where women have sex with a guy theyre attracted to on the side, while constantly giving their husband excuses as to why she has no desire to bang him.

 

Excuse me if my saying all that is offbase...but Ive read enough things online, and talked to enough people in my everyday life to know when to question something. Sure I may be wrong and its true that shes in pain and cant have sex often...but I just wanna make sure youre not getting deliberately hoodwinked and shortchanged.

 

Its a tough situation OP.

Edited by kaylan
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PegNosePete

As usual Gorilla has given excellent and sensible advice. I would follow what he is saying. She's not doing this deliberately but your needs are not being met, and she is dismissing your needs offhand. It's not a good place for you to be, and if things don't change, they will only get worse.

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ouf... you make me remember my ex wife.. the lst 10 years of our 23 year of relationship was the same as yours... Exactly, except she came every week but always when I had to ask for.. If not, it could have been weeks.... She was never wet and had to use some lube.... We thought she got a problem... But suddenly, she got fire up by someone else and left me suddenly...

So I second Keenly... Your situation is bad and you have lost your sexual connection.. be careful.... you have reconsider your relation and reintroduce romance, and feelings... That is the only way to make her back to the sex.... If you think it is only sexual, you will lose the war....

It could take month if you success, but it could never come back also...

Prepare your plan before it is too late... don't push her on the sexual side, but concnetrate you effort in going out, have fun with her and make her compliments and presents.. travels.. etc.. the sex will follow, but it will have to come from her.. don't push her sexually, and you could success.. if not too late...

Good luck...

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Sex isn't everything in a relationship, but it's certainly pretty damned important.

 

I echo what another poster said. When was the last time she was assessed for her medical problem? Is she taking regular treatment? Either way, she needs to see her doctor again soon, and you need to go with her. You'll have to lay some groundwork first: reinforce to her how attracted you are to her and how much you want to enjoy a mutually satisfying sexual relationship with her, and that since the medical problem affects you both, it makes sense that you're fully in the know and part of the solution to the greatest extent possible. If she refuses to see her doctor again or says she doesn't need to, you need to get her permission to speak to her doctor independently of her.

 

If she shoots all of this down, it sounds to me like the two of you should get into counseling ASAP, where you can speak freely in the presence of a neutral third party who can hopefully help bridge the gap in understanding between your position and hers.

 

Hopefully the condition she deals with has a medical solution. If it does, she should be working towards that, wholeheartedly.

 

If it doesn't have a solution, you have a much harder choice to make between three options:

 

1. Resigning yourself to a life without sex.

2. Getting her blessing for you to explore sex with other women.

3. Get a divorce.

 

In the circumstance where the medical problem can't be fixed, I'm not advocating for any of the above three. That would be a horrible choice to be faced with, and you have my sympathy. But the takeaway message is that you both -- and she especially -- have to be willing to put in the time and effort to try to fix things. The ultimate choice, if it comes down to that, won't be easy.

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SummerDreams

In fact I find it weird as well that she is doing bikini waxes while not being sexually active. I understand that it's needed also at the beach, but you are saying that she only swims in the private pool. Weird. Other than that I understand and respect her medical issues, but the reply she gave you is not of a person who loves their 15 years partner. If my bf would express an issue he has with me I would never tell him "get over it", cause it would be like I'm not caring for his feelings. It's obvious that if you could "get over it" you would have already done it and this matter would not exist now. The reply she gave was one of a selfish and not caring person. I think you both need to visit a consultant who will put things in a row and try to approach both's points of views.

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I lived in a sexless marriage for over ten years. Worst mistake I ever made!

 

 

If she doesn't care about your needs, she doesn't care about you.

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In fact I find it weird as well that she is doing bikini waxes while not being sexually active. I understand that it's needed also at the beach, but you are saying that she only swims in the private pool. Weird. Other than that I understand and respect her medical issues, but the reply she gave you is not of a person who loves their 15 years partner. If my bf would express an issue he has with me I would never tell him "get over it", cause it would be like I'm not caring for his feelings. It's obvious that if you could "get over it" you would have already done it and this matter would not exist now. The reply she gave was one of a selfish and not caring person. I think you both need to visit a consultant who will put things in a row and try to approach both's points of views.

 

My wife was taking off her pubic hairs right in front of me... I think she told me she wasn'tr interested in sex anymore, but knew deeply inside of her that she was ready to be excited by someone else... she saw some doctors and nothing works, she only got some pills and some emdical lubes.. she stayed with me cause we had a very nice firendly relationship, especially after being 23 years with her and 3 kids... But her sexual appetit was down because of the routine... When some sexy dude came accross her road, her sexual appetit came back suddenly.. so be careful OP.. And work on the romantical side of your relationship if you want to get a small hope of retrieving her as she was at first......

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How selfish can a woman be?

 

And why would a man think a woman this selfish has any beauty?

 

 

Does she work? You may want her working in case you decide to divorce her. Or do you spoil her so much that she doesn't need to work?

 

Rewarding her bad behavior will lead to her being more selfish.

 

Why not tell her you need sex - and intend to find it outside the marriage?

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How much would the pain interfer if Adam Levine or Brad Pitt were naked in the pool with her????

 

This is an attraction and desire issue.

 

If you want to have a mutually enjoyable sexual relationship with someone who has an actual desire to be with you, you have two options -

 

- change youself to become someone she is attracted to and wants to be with despite her discomfort.

(In which case if she had a desire for you, that may motivate her to address the medical issue more aggressively)

 

- move on and find someone who is sexually functional and digs you.

 

She is wanting you to be a eunuch and want you to suppress your sexuality so you can be another one of her girlfriends and a roommate that pays the bills.

 

There are millions of people with horrible medical conditions that still have active and satisfying sex lives because the interest and desire are there. If she has no interest or desire then she find an excuse even if it's just a hangnail.

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Are you sure she doesn't have an OM she's waxing for?

 

That's my first thought.

 

Second thought = she's not loving or kind. She's a tease which is cruel.

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Lots of good advice in this thread. Will you do any of it?

 

My $.02 (which mirrors some others)...You're going to need a third party to mediate. Research marriage counselors. Schedule an appointment when you know it works for both of you. If she balks at attending, tell her it's this appointment or the next you schedule will be with a divorce attorney.

 

People don't change until they are motivated to change. Sadly, you've set a 14-year precedent that she can just tell you to get over it and you do just that. Have you learned from that mistake yet? It's been 14 years and you're not over it. You're going to need to be convincing if she's going to take you seriously. Use the ultimatum (if she refuses MC) and be prepared to follow-thru. Ironically, this position also shows strength rather than weakness, which may even make you more attractive to her. Women can't respect a man that's a doormat. And women can't love a man that they don't respect. The bottom line needs to be that we either fix this issue together as partners in life or we're obviously not partners and we're getting a divorce.

 

I also have to echo those that express concern about the potential for infidelity on her part. My (ex)wife lost interest in sex as soon as we conceived our first child. She would relent about once every two months and it went on for 7 years. She had every "low libido" excuse in the book. We even got her a script for it. Then I discovered that she's been in a year-long affair with her boss, replete with mid-day hotel rendezvous twice a week. Too many people expect that "in love" feeling (limerance) to last and don't realize that real love matures and that it takes WORK to keep a spark alive and instead they just stop investing. They want to have sex, just not with you. Eventually they decide that they "deserve to be happy" and "what he doesn't know won't hurt him." Be wary.

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I also have to echo those that express concern about the potential for infidelity on her part. My (ex)wife lost interest in sex as soon as we conceived our first child. She would relent about once every two months and it went on for 7 years. She had every "low libido" excuse in the book. We even got her a script for it. Then I discovered that she's been in a year-long affair with her boss, replete with mid-day hotel rendezvous twice a week. Too many people expect that "in love" feeling (limerance) to last and don't realize that real love matures and that it takes WORK to keep a spark alive and instead they just stop investing. They want to have sex, just not with you. Eventually they decide that they "deserve to be happy" and "what he doesn't know won't hurt him." Be wary.

 

Yep... I also second this opinion and the fact she continues to be like sexual, but not for you... That's also what I discovered when my wife left me, it was to go with her boss of two years.. I will never know when they started to have an affair... So be careful, she might have someone in her life, but not ready to leave you and the family.. it is so comfortable for her to have both of the situation.... If the OM is also married, that could explained why she stays in that gray zone.... But be careful, if the OM situation changes, you could be left in a sec.... So try to find out what she is doing when you are not with her.. discretly.. Another option could be what I wrote in my previous post, but if she is already into an affair, nothing you could do will change the situation.. unfortunately...

If you find out she has an affair, it will be up to you to decide to leave her, or to confront her.. You never know, that could shake her and you could change the situation.

Good luck in your investigation...

Edited by Bluesandy
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While I would advocate for any woman to have the freedom to dress how she wishes, I do think she's being incredibly insensitive towards you by doing this. She is probably not deliberately provoking you, but any woman would know that a guy would find this hard. I can only assume that she actually has little empathy and may be asexual. Have you discussed why she does not feel sexual towards you any more? It does happen in long relationships, I know, as the daily chores and pressures of life seem to need more attention than the romantic relationship you once had, but is she happy not having a sexual relationship?

 

You clearly don't want to push this so you must be getting something from this relationship. How would your wife feel if you found a sexual partner other than her? Again, I would never advocate adultery or infidelity, but her thoughtlessness seems a bit odd and maybe you should talk to her about the possiblity of you finding some respite with an outside lover (one who knew you were staying with your wife, of course).

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How much would the pain interfer if Adam Levine or Brad Pitt were naked in the pool with her????

 

This is an attraction and desire issue.

 

Maybe and maybe not. Maybe his wife does have legitimate pain for which there is no real answer. Chronic pelvic pain is a very real thing, unfortunately.

 

But even if she can't have PIV sex, it is cruel of her to completely deny his needs and also to tell him his feelings are "silly". She should be giving him regular BJ and HJs, and should respect his feelings about her walking around half-naked.

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Maybe and maybe not. Maybe his wife does have legitimate pain for which there is no real answer. Chronic pelvic pain is a very real thing, unfortunately.

 

But even if she can't have PIV sex, it is cruel of her to completely deny his needs and also to tell him his feelings are "silly". She should be giving him regular BJ and HJs, and should respect his feelings about her walking around half-naked.

 

That was kind of my point. If Adam Levine was making a serious play for her, would she tell him to just get over it and walk away? Or would she put in some effort to make it happen even if some kind of accommodation was required?

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Maybe and maybe not. Maybe his wife does have legitimate pain for which there is no real answer. Chronic pelvic pain is a very real thing, unfortunately.

 

But even if she can't have PIV sex, it is cruel of her to completely deny his needs and also to tell him his feelings are "silly". She should be giving him regular BJ and HJs, and should respect his feelings about her walking around half-naked.

There is definitely something weird about her dressing provocatively, and yet considering his needs and feelings "silly". She's an equal part of the marriage, presumably just as tuned in to its goings-on as he is. And yet it seems that she doesn't see (or refuses to see) how weird it is that their sex life is non-existent, and doesn't seem at all interested in finding out why or doing something about it. It leads me to wonder if there isn't some truth to the suggestion that she's getting those needs met elsewhere.

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Friskyone4u

If I were you I would get into sex therapy and find out what is causing this.

If she refuses to do anything like that I would then ask her who her boyfriend is and how long she has been sleeping with him.

This is not normal behavior and unless she is mentally challenged she has to know she is arousing you and any other men that see her.

Someone is in a fog

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Wow! Thanks for all the replies.I was stuck at work so unable to read or reply.

 

 

I will try and reply to the main questions.

 

 

 

 

The injury:

I have been to almost every single doctors appointment, test, and treatment (excluding the monthly blood work and weekly physio) and there is no question of the pain she is in or the severity of the condition. She does take her medication and is doing what she can to manage the pain.

 

 

Infidelity:

Yes i suspected this, yet have not found any evidence. I do feel that this is highly unlikely.

 

 

Teasing:

I don't feel that she is teasing me on purpose, nor doing these things to push my buttons, rather she just does not see them as baing sexy or teasing.

 

 

As it stands it apears that she will either want to change for the sake of the relationship or it is over. I am just having a hard time giving her the ultimatum.

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