Are these good reasons to divorce a guy who is otherwise sweet and faithful to you?

[hecate433]

I'm really confused because I love my husband but I'm just not sure he's the type of man I want to grow old with. Though he is super sweet to me by calling me baby names, super sweet to the cats, hugging me tight at night, good in bed, telling me sweet words of love, and not having any female friends (like other men often do)--I have other issues with him that have become worse over the years.

 

1) We live with his mom. It wasn't an issue in the beginning because his mom would stay at her boyfriend's on most days of the week, but ever since her bf lost his job, he moved in with us, and we're a full house. My husband doesn't want to move out because he's waiting for one of the tenants from one of the back houses (also owned by his mom) to either move out or die, so that we can move in there and pay lower rent. He doesn't see himself ever moving out of this property entirely, which is falling apart due to poor management.

 

2) My husband works part time as a greeter at a theme park because he doesn't have to work full time. His mom gave him the car he drives, and she pays his insurance. She also gives him gas and money if he gives her a ride, even if he does it begrudgingly. It's a bad economy and I've had my periods of unemployment too, which he also supported and understood. However, he does not want to work in another place that gives him more hours. He's happy where he is now. He calls it his utopia. Therefore, part of him will always be attached to his mother and to her will, which is ofte whimsical and irrational. This means that if we are having a day together and his mom needs him to take her somewhere, he does it because he'll get paid for it, and he can use the money.

 

3) What little he does make on his part time minimum wage job, he blows most of it on whatever obsession he has for that period. RIght now, it's fixing his car. He's spent so much on the car, but couldn't afford $100 to go half and half on an anniversary trip for both of us! His previous obsession was lottery, and the one before was books. Books, books, tons of books, every week. He's had similar obsessions with music instruments and buying swords. He CAN, of course, because mom is always there to cover the essentials. Our groceries are not a priority to him. His priorities are credit card bills on debt he incurred buying all that stuff he soon tires of, and whatever his current obsession is. If there is money left over, he might contribute half of the groceries every other week, begrudgingly.

 

4) His mom doesn't mind supporting men since that means she has them under her complete control. Her boyfriend is unemployed, and he has no incentive to get a job because she provides everything for him--- food, shelter, clothing, and she even cleans and cooks for him after work. All he does all day is play music and watch TV. This is part of the context to our living situation.

 

5) The few times that I've gotten really sick in our marriage, he hasn't been very supportive. When I'm healthy he's incredibly sweet and promises the world, but when I've been sick, I caught him a bad mood and so he couldn't be there for me much. One time I had a really bad skin condition where my hands were practically mauled, and he groaned and hesitated because I asked him if he can go buy me lunch because I couldn't make anything. It makes me wonder how it'll be when I'm old and really in need of a helping hand. Also, would I want to take care of his older self after seeing that?

 

 

6) He doesn't like going out-- I do. I love trying out different places-- he doesn't. HE thinks it's just something guys do when they want to get in a girl's pants, but that if you're married and comfortable you shouldn't have to do all that stuff. When he's in a good mood, he says we will go out and try different places, but I have yet to see. He get anxious anytime he goes anywhere outside his comfort zone. There are only two or three places he's comfortable going on a date. When I suggest someplace different, either he doesn't want to go, or we go but he's upset, or he's uncomfortable making me feel bad-- sometimes in the end he says he enjoyed it, after it passed-- but it's always the same. Now, when I want to go someplace new, I go by myself. I'm always by myself lately-- and I thought I married a life partner, someone to go on all kinds of adventures with me! He hates clubs, he hates bars, he doesn't like to drive far away, he doesn't like crowds, he doesn't like anything. I'm not big of clubs and bars either, but I would like to be able to do things like that with him occasionally. He's only a year older than me-- 32-- but he's been the same way since I met him in his early 20s. Back then I thought this was good, a guy who is not a party animal-- but why can't there be balance?

 

7) COMMUNICATION. Talking about these topics with him is impossible. He is complete denial. He says the car needs the upkeep, and that he needs the car. WHen I brought up the lottery and his past obsessions, he says they're in the past. In the past when I would confront him about his lottery phase, he'd defend himself saying it's his money and that he's just tired of living paycheck to paycheck so he wants to win. No matter what, there is an excuse. When there isn't, all our discussions conclude with, "It appears you are not happy with me. Maybe you'd be better off with someone else who can lie to you, tell you what you want to hear for a little while, spend on you for a short time, and give you the bs life you dream of. Why are you with a loser like me?" ETc. etc.

 

Good question. Why AM I with him? I love him, I fear regretting leaving him, and I also fear waking up 30 years later, still in this house with this man, regretting not having left. Or maybe grateful that I left, or grateful that i didn't leave. So many possible outcomes! I don't know if as his wife, I should be patient with all this-- all the people who tell me I can do better--- my mom, all moms say that. The other people who tell me so are guys who want to date me, so they're unrealiable sources.

 

What do YOU think?

[CarrieT]

It sounds like you are both teenagers and your husbands isn't ready for the responsibility of adulthood.

 

How old are you two?

[hecate433]

I'm 30, he's 31. I've been keeping a good full time job for a while. I'm ready to take the plunge and get our own apartment, but he doesn't want to. He believes his mother that it's very hard, almost impossible in this economy. I would like to try it, but my mother says that if I don't do it myself, he's never going to want to do it. Will I have to move out on my own on this experiment?

 

It sounds like you are both teenagers and your husbands isn't ready for the responsibility of adulthood.

 

How old are you two?

[littleplanet]

Well OP,

 

That's a lot of things on a list that don't look like they're going to change anytime soon.

Although your SO has certain admirable qualities - he also sounds very much like a mama's boy.

My gut feeling is that this will certainly wear on you as time goes by.

 

But what to do about it?

Unless you can promote a change - you have to consider your future. And what your future is likely to be in this kind of living arrangement.

People can put up with a lot.....until they snap. Often comes from builtup resentment over a long period of time.

 

Unfortunately, this isn't just between you and your husband. It also involves two other people (which can complicate things.)

 

If communication between the two of you doesn't work, I'd try an objective third party. Probably past time to raise that agenda, but better late than never.

He needs to wake up to that reality: that he could run the risk of losing you, if he doesn't pay more attention to you, and a little less to his own obsessions.

You need a husband, not a spoiled mama's boy.

Time to throw that reality check his way, and see what bounces back.

[CarrieT]

I'm 30, he's 31.

YIKES!

 

Will I have to move out on my own on this experiment?

I'm willing to bet that when/if you decide to do this, you will be on your own - and ostensibly much happier.

[todreaminblue]

I think you should seek couples counselling.....professional counselling as your marriage is important ....

[oldshirt]

You have little if any respect for him as a man because he's pretty much still a boy an Momma' s teet. He lacks ambition, future planning, financial responsibility and doesn't seem to want to take any responsibility for your future or your sense of security.

 

He may be a nice guy and he may be sweet when the sun is shining and he may be able to give you orgasms....but any 20 year old guy can do that. You are at the point in your life where you want an adult man to take some responsibility and provide some security, stability and upward mobility in your life. This is not you being a gold digger or shallow, this is how women are and those things are reasonable expectations in a life partner.

 

This guy may make a good buddy and a good FWB, but he isnt good long term husband and father material. If you are wanting a normal independent life with a mature, self-supporting, responsible adult man for a long term, secure traditional home and family life - this guy ain't it.

 

Whether we here on LS and the church ladies of the world think those are valid reasons to leave or not are irrelevant. It's just a matter of time before some responsible, educated, ambitious, professional, adult man catches your eye and makes you an offer and you will be packing your bags without even thinking about it.

 

Or your lack of desire for him will send him making time with some other girl who gets turned on by his boyish free spirit and charming smile and care free demeanor.

[d0nnivain]

Was it like this when you got married? Does your husband know how you feel about his lack of financial responsibility?

 

I couldn't stay in a marriage like that.

[carhill]

What do YOU think?

 

You've known him over ten years, essentially most of your adult lives. No surprises in that department.

 

Men marry women expecting them to never change and women marry men expecting them to change, typically.

 

Unknown which anniversary this is that he didn't have money for but still you've known him over ten years so have a solid track record to go on.

 

Myself, at your ages, and with apparently little in the way of painful financial and/or legal and/or social ties to cut, I'd move on. Life is transitory; little lifetime employment and few lifetime relationships, it seems. That's how it goes! Embrace the real and accept that either of you could change into a 'perfect' couple at some point but the timing just sucks right now.

[Turtles]

Cut your losses and move on while you still can. Your BOY might grow up eventually, but are you going to wait 20 years for him to do so which you could be spending with a MAN?

[Poppygoodwill]

People can be nice and sweet and good human beings who wouldn't hurt a fly....and still not be the right person for us in the long run.

 

I think that the balance has shifted over time as you have matured and grown in your views and ambitions, and he has not. In effect, it sounds like you are outdistancing him. Or outgrowing him. He sounds like a perpetual teenager.

 

Wanting to be independent and have your own home is a very normal and reasonable thing to aspire to. Not being happy to be a perpetual child in someone else's home is very reasonable.

 

Can he shift out of his thinking? I don't know. I guess you have to ask yourself, what more can I do to try to get him to see how important this is for me, and therefore, for us?

 

I agree about counseling. it's a good place to begin and will also test his resolve to maintain your marriage in the face of his wife's unhappiness.

 

As for thinking ahead ten years and finding yourself, at 40, living in a rundown place behind his mother, with your kids running around on the lawn and him still greeting people at a theme park....I always remember a very true saying I was told once by an older woman: You get what you settle for.

 

So be very careful what you settle for.

[pink_sugar]

Oh my goodness! I could MAYBE understand if you were both 18, but you're both in your 30's. He's not going to grow up anytime soon and most likely never will. I mean, he works a job like a teenager on summer vacation. How long have you been married? Even if he is sweet and all...this guy has no ambition, doesn't wish or desire to better himself and it sounds like he's never had a real job. His spending habits and lack of money and thought are also detrimental to your marriage. He doesn't want to make the effort to invest in your marriage or keep it alive. Think about it, if he REALLY loved you...he'd want to better himself and get a place for the two of you and work full time to contribute to the household. I mean, there is one thing about falling on hard times and taking a job you don't like, but it sounds like your husband has never really had any sense of responsibility or known what it's like to be on his own. If I were you, I wouldn't stand for this a moment longer. You need to tell him that if he wishes to be married to you, he needs to find a full time job (or do something to improve his skills to find a decent job), get his spending habits in order and save up to move out. But sadly, I don't think that's going to happen.

[MuscleCarFan]

He is what we call a "Momma's Boy," she does everything for him and takes zero responsibility for anything.

 

Run, run like hell and never look back!

[tnimbus]

I agree with Poppy,someone can be a faithful, loyal person, but still not be the right person for you. I also have some experience with people who have ADHD, and it sounds like he might have it. Not a doc by any means, just noticed "the changing obsessions" and "the going outside the comfort zone issues"...I've seen those before in a couple of ADHD adults I know. Maybe a MC, or IC could check on that. Again, not a doc, not judging, sounds familiar is all.

Besides that...well...the Mom issue...okay, I'll say it...at 31, he's way to attached to his mother, and it sounds like she'll do anything necessary to keep him attached. If you make moves for independence, she's going to fight you, overtly or covertly to keep him attached....and unfortunately, a Mama's Boy usually chooses Mama, especially if Mama provides him with food, shelter, clothing, money, gas, etc. You deserve to be happy, and this situation is only going to make you more unhappy, and it likely won't change.

This is what came into my mind as I read your post....if you stay with him and Mama becomes ill, disabled in some way, or needing round the clock care for some reason...YOU will be the one expected to do it, or the one stuck doing it...Mama's BF's and "Little Boy" are going to take off. I don't mean to sound harsh, but I saw this happen to someone. It was not pretty...but he found someone else young and pretty to sponge off of, and left his wife stuck with his "mama."...and kids, in "mama's" house.

When "mama" died....guess who got her house and life insurance?...Her "littleboy"...his xwife and kids had to move into a housing project. Like I said, not trying to sound harsh, just saw what happened in a similar situation.

Also..let's say he inherits the property, and it's in a terrible state of disrepair...YOU will be expected to pay for the repairs,and will be stuck with properties you will likely have to keep repairing over and over...there goes your savings, and any vacations, retirement too...and if you have kids...what if even one of them takes after Dad, and expects YOU to keep them up...

 

Just some thoughts, sorry they're dark ones...I've seen these things happen though, and the person became so underwater that she couldn't get out.Please think of yourself, your future self,(it comes quicker then you think), and how you want your life to be. You're young, independent, work, and have your family behind you...make YOUR life a good one.

[Elliotte]

Each of those things are reason enough to not be with this guy, I am pretty bewildered you two married in the first place! Regardless of his age, he is a boy, he would have learned to live on his own by now or in countries where the family stays under the same roof, he would be well on his way to supporting his mom!

 

Sounds like you really need to cut the cord and experience the outside world, live on your own, and not live with a bottom feeder. You can find plenty of men with the good qualities you listed he has, but also support themselves and not still stuck to mommy in their third decade of life!

[BDL]

Build up the courage to leave a man like this. There is no shame in it. A man with no ambition is the most unattractive trait in a husband. I don't think you will be happy so cut your losses now and find a more suitable life partner.

[Holding-On]

I recommend the book "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum

It helps to make things clearer.

For me personally the unwillingness to help in bad times would be a deal breaker. Things will get tougher as you get older especially if you have children.

[hecate433]

No, we've been married 6 years, and I have known him for seven years. We were 24 and 25 when we married. Back then he was exactly what I wanted, but I have grown to think differently and he's not growing along with me. I never intended to change him. It is I who has changed, it seems.

 

Like he said, he doesn't have to suffer. His mom gives him everything-- gas, insurance, even his car was given to him by his mom. His car broke down recently, and his mom repaired it and rented a car for him so that he doesn't have to take the bus to work.

 

When we started dating, his mom came with us a couple of times and paid for everything-- even bought us souvenirs. I felt like a child going out with her mom and her brother. I broke up with him, but somehow he swept me off my feet with sweet words so I grew to accept it. He's always been reponsible with jobs. It's just that what little he makes he spends it on whatever is his obsession of the day-- and if he makes more, more gets spent on that. He says he spends responsibly to pay his credit, but all those credit cards were opened to spend on those things. We even had fights over him opening so many credit cards unnecessarily.

 

You've known him over ten years, essentially most of your adult lives. No surprises in that department.

 

Men marry women expecting them to never change and women marry men expecting them to change, typically.

 

Unknown which anniversary this is that he didn't have money for but still you've known him over ten years so have a solid track record to go on.

 

Myself, at your ages, and with apparently little in the way of painful financial and/or legal and/or social ties to cut, I'd move on. Life is transitory; little lifetime employment and few lifetime relationships, it seems. That's how it goes! Embrace the real and accept that either of you could change into a 'perfect' couple at some point but the timing just sucks right now.

[somedude81]

You absolutely have to tell him your concerns right now.

 

Do not let them keep building up in you until you loose all affection and love for him and divorce him suddenly.

 

Tell him how serious things are.

[hecate433]

Every time I do he gets defensive. He says, "It seems you are not happy with me. Why are you with me?" He has threatened to divorce me for being a "nagging B," but in the end he's the one who ends up crying, begging me to not go.

 

You absolutely have to tell him your concerns right now.

 

Do not let them keep building up in you until you loose all affection and love for him and divorce him suddenly.

 

Tell him how serious things are.

[somedude81]

Every time I do he gets defensive. He says, "It seems you are not happy with me. Why are you with me?" He has threatened to divorce me for being a "nagging B," but in the end he's the one who ends up crying, begging me to not go.

 

Wow, things sound much worse than you wrote about before.

[whichwayisup]

It sounds like he is a man child and also has an anxiety disorder thanks to his overbearing and controlling mother.

 

You say he can't go anywhere outside his comfort zone, he spends his money on his latest obsession (instead of putting money away for the two of you) and he still lives with his mom, she pays for pretty much everything and treats him like a young teen.

 

A grown up would take his own car to the mechanic, suck it up and take the bus. For his mom to rent him a car and pay for everything so he wouldn't have to take a bus is absolutely ridiculous!

 

Part I bolded - Has he shown other symptoms of anxiety? He needs counseling if he is suffering from anxiety and panic attacks.

 

He treats you how he wants to treat you depending on his mood and what day it is.

 

As much as you may love him, this may not work because of the reasons you've pointed out. Those are the types of things that eat away at you and cause resentment, chip away the love and respect, till one day you can't stand him anymore.

 

Tell him you two have to do marriage counseling (tell the counselor all that you've posted about, that is if he agrees to go with you) and work together to make things better (first thing is MOVE OUT and get your own place away from his mom) or if he refuses to do that, separate and file for divorce.

[revelations]

hecate433,First off I have to ask, does your husband have any skills? I mean like a degree in something he can get a job in or a trade? Truthfully moving out on your own without having a job to support yourself is pretty scary. I mean after all this would be the first thing I would be thinking about if I was in his shoes.

 

Now with that being asked/said there is another major problem. That is his mom giving him stuff. You husband has never had to rely on himself for even basic stuff like food, shelter, etc. Another thing is that from what you have said your husband does not understand how to budget his income. So it sounds to me like your husband is living as if he was still a teenager without the responsibility of an adult. Whichwayisup may have it right in that your husband may have an anxiety disorder.

 

Myself I use to get upset when a woman would put in her dating profile that she would not date a guy that lives with their mom. However in my case when my mother was living with me it was because she needed someone to help take care of her. I was actually paying the bills in the house with my full time job that I had. I took care of my mother until she passed away. However your case is different, in that your husbands mother may have prevented him from growing up. So you may want to seek MC and even IC for him. Mainly is what needs to be addressed is your husbands fear of responsibility. I am willing to bet that if you two did move out that your husband can still rely on his mother for help if needed. However he does not seem like he wants to even do that. I am sorry to say this, but your husband may not grow up until he has to. Try to get him to go to IC and MC with you and see if he improves. If not you may have to divorce him if you have a problem living like you have to right now.

[PerfectStorm]

I think...that all of those are perfectly acceptable/logical reasons for divorce.

 

But the main one is that you're not happy, haven't been in a very long time and he doesn't seem to care in slightest.

[Lipitor11]

Those are perfectly good reasons. Just because he is a "nice" guy doesn't give him an excuse for the way he is living his life.