His ex-wife now remarrying; what to expect?

[Poppygoodwill]

My husband got word through his lawyer today that his exwife of six years is set to remarry in July. His first reaction is to be thrilled that it's an end to paying alimony. Fair enough.

 

But I'm worried about what it means to the always fractious negotiations about his time with their three kids.

 

The kids go to boarding school in the UK and we live in the middle east. He and his ex have always had a difficult relationship, barely functional I'd say. He tries to talk about the children, and she loves to find fault in everything he says and does. It's always a fight to get her to give him more than the bare minimim time with them. for instance, he's asked to have them for 10 days instead of 7 on school holidays, which she refused for no rational reason at all. He's threatened to take her to court and she relented, but every contact they have is a proverbial knife fight.

 

Logic would say that a happy ex-wife would make her easier to deal with, but I'm a little anxious that, given her personality, her remarriage might make life even more difficult -- for instance, if she wants the kids to spend time in their 'new' family - wiht her new husband - rather than with their father. She has in the past told friends that she wished that the kids would "forget their father exists" when he's been away on work for months at a time.

 

I generally keep my peace on all this, and I get along well with his kids. Though I do read his emails to her and coach him a bit to make them more clear and strategic. I have no power or ability to do anything here, but I'm worried. Just wondering what other people's experience has been with the ex's remarrying - and whether it made life easier or more difficult? Thanks.

[Mr. Lucky]

My ex never remarried but has been in a LTR for 20 years. Not sure why they never tied the knot (and never cared enough to ask). He's a good guy, got on well with our now adult son and was a positive influence on our divorced relationship. For obvious reasons, once she had him she was less focused on me and the things she thought I was doing wrong (which was everything!). Hope it works the same for you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[dichotomy]

It is possible, based on my experience, that the ex may find a supporter in her new spouse. That is what ever "truth" she tells her new husband about her ex - he will believe AND he will be a brother in combat. But he may also not like the kids and see them as an intrusion into his life. Hard to say without knowing more about who she is marrying. If she is marrying a "knight in shinning armor" man or warrior type - he will join the fight. If she is marrying a selfish/self centered man - he may tell her to back off and let the kids go more.

Edited June 7, 2014 by dichotomy

[M30USA]

She has in the past told friends that she wished that the kids would "forget their father exists" when he's been away on work for months at a time.

 

This alone, in my opinion, makes her an unfit mother. If I were a judge and I heard a recording of this, I would switch over primary custody to the father. The attitude expressed here by the mother is what damages children even more than the divorce itself.

[Poppygoodwill]

By all accounts she tends to be very controlling and domineering in all her relationships, so I'm thinking that the new husband is more likely to follow along with what she says than present an alternative view.

 

I have set the dogs running, trying to find out more about him.

[WasOtherWoman]

I think I am still not clear why you want to be searching for info on this man?

 

When my husbands x remarried, we wished her well, continued her alimony payments for the remaining two years as a wedding present and assumed that everything would work out amiably for all.

[M30USA]

By all accounts she tends to be very controlling and domineering in all her relationships, so I'm thinking that the new husband is more likely to follow along with what she says than present an alternative view.

 

I have set the dogs running, trying to find out more about him.

 

Me too. My ex wife will surely find a new husband like what you described. Maybe I should give her a tip and tell her to check the door mat aisle in Walmart.

[Poppygoodwill]

I guess because it seems the more we know about the situation, the more easily we can anticipate how to manage it. In a perfect world they might be able to have a cup of coffee once in a while and talk about the kids and sort things out and be, if not friendly, then at least cordial. But every interaction they have is difficult. She's always trying to pry away his time with the kids and everytime plans are changed or she claims suddenly the kids don't want to see him, it costs us money in plane tickets and untold aggravation. So strategy is all-important. If the new man is the kind who just bolsters her anger and confrontational approach, then we know that we'll need to batten down the hatches even more. My husband prides himself in taking teh high road and staying polite. Sometimes I think he does it almost smugly, hoping she'll get the understanding he's 'setting an example' for her. Sometimes I think he needs his head examined to take all her **** and let it roll off him.

 

She on the other hand, never misses a chance to be unpleasant. The first time I met her I took great pains to be polite and amiable and set a tone wherein the kids could see that I am intersted in everyone getting along, despite the history. In turn, she was so rude to me that their 12 year old daughter apologized to me on behalf of her mother.

[M30USA]

What to expect?

 

60-65% change of another divorce. Especially if his ex has not changed or taken accountability for any of her faults.

[lollipopspot]

The kids go to boarding school in the UK and we live in the middle east.

 

Does the ex live in the middle east as well?

 

How old are the kids and for how long have they been going to boarding school?

 

If they're going to boarding school, they're only available to either parent about 4 months out of the year, correct?

 

He and his ex have always had a difficult relationship, barely functional I'd say.

 

Now this part might be a little revisionist history? If they have three kids, it must have been o.k. at some point, yes, or why would they keep cranking them out?

[Poppygoodwill]

Does the ex live in the middle east as well?

 

 

How old are the kids and for how long have they been going to boarding school?

 

If they're going to boarding school, they're only available to either parent about 4 months out of the year, correct?

 

 

 

Now this part might be a little revisionist history? If they have three kids, it must have been o.k. at some point, yes, or why would they keep cranking them out?

 

She lives in the UK and herself works at a boarding school, though not the same one that any of her kids go to.

 

The kids are 11, 13 and 15 and I think each of them started boarding school when they were around 7 or 8. I'm not British and I find the whole concept of boarding school - especially when your parent(s) live in the family house relatively close to your school - to be incredibly strange. But by all accounts the kids really love it. One of the girls said that it's been a refuge from 'home'.

 

As for time with parents, they have a weekend off once a month, plus time between terms and then the summer, easter and christmas. So it's a fair amount. When he lived in the UK he would drop by their schools and watch sports or take them for tea or dinner and so despite the limited 'contact time' he was formally given, he could see them regularly. now that we're away, it's very difficult.

 

As for them getting along - I meant that since their divorce, they can't get along at all. Obviously at some point they were in love and all the rest.

 

My husband wrote his exwife to congratulate her and ask if she had informed the children. She didn't respond.

[BeingMe]

Out of interest, did either of them cheat on the other?

[Poppygoodwill]

Out of interest, did either of them cheat on the other?

 

She had an EA (at least) and, after a few years, he finally left.

[whichwayisup]

My husband got word through his lawyer today that his exwife of six years is set to remarry in July. His first reaction is to be thrilled that it's an end to paying alimony. Fair enough.

 

But I'm worried about what it means to the always fractious negotiations about his time with their three kids.

 

The kids go to boarding school in the UK and we live in the middle east. He and his ex have always had a difficult relationship, barely functional I'd say. He tries to talk about the children, and she loves to find fault in everything he says and does. It's always a fight to get her to give him more than the bare minimim time with them. for instance, he's asked to have them for 10 days instead of 7 on school holidays, which she refused for no rational reason at all. He's threatened to take her to court and she relented, but every contact they have is a proverbial knife fight.

 

Logic would say that a happy ex-wife would make her easier to deal with, but I'm a little anxious that, given her personality, her remarriage might make life even more difficult -- for instance, if she wants the kids to spend time in their 'new' family - wiht her new husband - rather than with their father. She has in the past told friends that she wished that the kids would "forget their father exists" when he's been away on work for months at a time.

 

I generally keep my peace on all this, and I get along well with his kids. Though I do read his emails to her and coach him a bit to make them more clear and strategic. I have no power or ability to do anything here, but I'm worried. Just wondering what other people's experience has been with the ex's remarrying - and whether it made life easier or more difficult? Thanks.

Maybe it is time he takes her to court. She doesn't get to cut their father out of the kids lives just because she wants her new husband to take over fatherly duties.

 

Anyway, the kids love their dad, nobody could ever replace him.

[BetrayedH]

Why is there not a marital settlement agreement in place that dictates when each parent will have the children? Mine is very specific and thus, eliminates such disagreements. We occassionally make exceptions for one another on request (and keep everything documented via email).

 

If his time with the kids is subject to her whim (and she's the disagreeable sort, as you say) then I'd not expect her to change based on her marital status but I suppose it could go either way depending on the new husband's influence. Still, if she's the domineering sort, I wouldn't expect much to change.

[Poppygoodwill]

Why is there not a marital settlement agreement in place that dictates when each parent will have the children? Mine is very specific and thus, eliminates such disagreements. We occassionally make exceptions for one another on request (and keep everything documented via email).

 

If his time with the kids is subject to her whim (and she's the disagreeable sort, as you say) then I'd not expect her to change based on her marital status but I suppose it could go either way depending on the new husband's influence. Still, if she's the domineering sort, I wouldn't expect much to change.

 

They came to an agreement several years back, which massively favoured her and was based on conditions at the time, which have changed significantly. She's refused to renegotiate, preferring instead to keep him to the old agreement which - now that he lives overseas - severely limits his time with them and still massively privileges her. He asked for a simple addition of 3 days to their visits - to 10 from 7 - if only to give the kids time to recover from jetlag. But she refused adn refused...until he threatened to take her to court. She's relenting, slowly, but she still won't let them skype him when they're with her, with the result that when they go on holiday from school he doesn't know where they are adn can't get ahold of them. When he complained she dismissed his concern, taking umbrage and insisting he should trust her to take care of them. Which was never his point, of course. The point is he wants to be in touch with his kids but she finds every reason in the book to block him out.

 

I know so many women who are so frustrated because their ex's don't take an active interest in the kids, don't want to get involved. He does; all he wants is to see them. He pay 80% of his income in school fees and maintenance - whcih is why we live overseas where he can earn more. And still she cuts him out.

 

I'm just ranting now. Sorry. It's maddening.

[lollipopspot]

But she refused adn refused...until he threatened to take her to court.

 

Are you able to actually file a suit to change the terms of custody?

 

Also, what do the kids have to say about how often they see their dad? Certainly by age 15, and the younger ones too, kids are expressing their preferences and are often even able to exert some amount of control over their situation.

 

I'm not a fan of putting kids in the middle of parent fights, but I think it's reasonable for him to explain that custody arrangements prevent him from seeing them more, and that he wants to. What is their input?

Edited June 15, 2014 by lollipopspot

[BetrayedH]

I don't know much about revising a marital settlement agreement once it's in place but I would definitely be researching it at this point.

 

Our MSA stipulates that either parent can call the kids ANYTIME and the other parent may not interfere, period. And then I made sure the kids had the electronics to be able to communicate. My kids each have an iPad so we can always FaceTime or iMessage when they're on Wifi (which is almost everywhere these days). I will still be respectful and ask my ex when it's a good time (to avoid interrupting dinner and such) but the fact that it's written in our MSA is very reassuring and compels my ex to fit me in.

 

Lolli also raised a good question about what the kids want. Judges (at least here in the US) do tend to respect teenager's wishes more than you might think. That's good unless the mother has poisoned them so much that they wouldn't want contact with their Dad.