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David Penn

My wife and I have been together 13 years and married 8 of those years. We have two very young children. We both have good jobs, a house and a pretty happy life. Or least we fake it well.

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We have a problem that I can't discuss with her openly for the fear of offending her and I haven't anyone trusted I can confide in nor is professional help an option.

 

In short....She says she has a high sex drive and wants nothing but me everyday all day but I don't have the same feelings. I don't really find her physically attractive nor mentally attractive due in part to her idea of good sex is way different than mine. I find her way of exciting sex boring as hell and she doesn't have the self confidence or the self esteem to try anything I want to. She want's missionary, lights out, super passionate under the covers (lays there like a dead fish while I do all the work) lame ass sex that quite frankly has me so terribly bored out of my mind. Even after requesting several times to spice things up with toys or positions or porn anything really she says she is very interested but she has yet to ever actually take any initiative in such things. If I initiate she goes into dead fish mode untill I'm done. I guess the word would be "enthusiasm". She lacks it big time. It's to the point where Id rather going into the other room and jack off to porn on the computer because at least it's less work and I get to fantasize but that makes her very jealous. This has been going on long enough I don't think she will ever change. I dont think she can change or even wants to. I've actuatually grown pretty tired of this relationship but I feel quite stuck because I don't want to hurt my children or her but our bedroom life is so dull that it affects many other aspects too. Does anyone have advice that might help?

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BetrayedH

I think you need a marriage/sex therapist. You need a safe place where you can both speak honestly. A therapist is good to have in the room because they can help arguments stay fair (hard to yell, scream, swear, and throw things or even to storm off when they're there) and they can help hold both of you accountable to agreements.

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She says she is interested... so why not take things ONE at a time.

 

You could start with lights. Maybe she would be ok with some soft candlelight. If she is, tell her she is gorgeous and show enthusiasm on YOUR part (even if you have to fake it) to encourage her to do it again/go further.

 

She also says she is ok with trying toys, so get on the computer and pick one out with her!

 

You could also try different places... like maybe the bathtub, but with the lights off so she feels comfortable.

 

It sounds to me, since she describes herself as "high drive", that her problem isn't enthusiasm, but insecurity. The lights off, hiding, afraid to do or try anything for fear of doing it "wrong". That's what I hear in this post.

 

You need to make baby steps with her, and be VERY encouraging with each thing she tries. You need to help build her confidence and show her that you really really appreciate her opening up sexually.

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BetrayedH

I also find myself wondering if she's submissive in the bedroom. My GF simply wants to be 'taken.' She doesn't want to initiate sex and doesn't initiate changes of position either. She doesn't even have an answer when I ask her what she wants. I am quite literally in charge of the whole event, even though she is perfectly up for anything. I have learned to put her where I want her. This is not to say that I'm selfish in bed but more that she is just very submissive in bed. Having me ravage her makes her feel desirable. It's taken quite a bit of getting used to.

 

How much initiative do you take when it comes to positions, etc? Maybe she doesn't want you to ask but to just do it. I could be wrong (so be careful how much liberty you take here) but the older I get, the more I see female sexuality playing out this way, particularly as women mature.

 

Edit to add: I also could be way off here; I think Pteromom's thoughts are the more likely scenario.

Edited by BetrayedH
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No, you could definitely be onto something there, BH.

 

OP, have you tried just telling her (kindly) what to do (turn over; get on top of me; etc)? If so, what is her response?

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dichotomy

or not even ask her - just flip (or roll) her over and see what happens.;)

 

P.S.

 

No oral?

 

Also does she appear to enjoy it at least while on her back? I mean can you tell if she has O, or is happy?

 

Does she initiate or flirt sexually before hand ?

 

Lastly has it always been this way?

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David Penn

BetrayedH,

 

M/C helped slightly but I fear that she has little self esteem and confidence so many things we talked about didn't really "stick" or become effective for very long. Around here Professional help is very difficult to find and keep. Most who provide this service work typical banking hours and are filled with people who are in real desperate need so what M/C we have seeked out has had limited lasting effects. I also have to be very careful about bring up such topics for they can quickly escalate to a conflict if the mood isn't just right and those times are limited increasing the difficulty to resolution.

 

pteromom,

 

I think insecurity is a big part of this problem. Second to that I'm not real good at tact and encouragement without sounding like an *******. I'm currently working on that. We both are pretty frustrated and resentful thus far so defensiveness becomes a problem quickly.

 

 

She is very submissive in relationships and prefers dominant men however I was raised to the opposite. To see the opposite sex as equal in every way and so I have difficulty domineering that way. I'm a introvert who is very self reliant and I prefer to be teammates against the world rather than be a team leader with a blind follower. She certainly loves to be "taken" quickly and without questions as I also like that sometimes too but my fear is that that's the only way she wants it and so without variety there's a lot of faking it for me without reciprocal techniques from her. Pretty much, generally speaking sex is missionary on the bed and she just lays there quietly waiting for me to finish. Sometimes I can get a slight moan or heavy breathing or some kind of other tell that's shes enjoying herslef but for the most part no oral, no foreplay, no teasing, no flirting, sexy talk etc. Sometimes I fake on orgasm due to lack of interest just to end the charade when sleep becomes more fun than continuing. Typically she will orgasm when I do and doesn't seem to mind if she doesn't for what ever the reason might have been that day. When we were first together the sex was pretty good. Not the best I've had by yards however I accepted that for she is a great person overall and a great mom. There have been some troubles in the past that have tested us and our faith to each other. There was a time I caught her red handed on the phone masturbating after coming home from my second job. She claims she was "experimenting" for my sake based on a previous discussions about our sex life excitement. She is aware I'm quite bored with it's current state to the point it's pretty infrequent now. She insists she wants it more, way more. While I call bull**** she accepts that it has hurt me but still doesn't call it "cheating" because of the lack of physical contact. She blames my lack of physical contact toward her as part of the reason it happened.(typical defensive tactic) That's been a whole another topic in itself as I've tried to let that anger go and forgive. Not forget but forgive. If it weren't for my kids needing a mom(to young to be without one) I would have thrown her to the curb with a boot in her ass unfortunately I have to be an adult and adjust to the infidelity to protect my kids and what's best for them. I feel so very stuck without answers or help from anyone. Please advise...

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BetrayedH
BetrayedH,

 

M/C helped slightly but I fear that she has little self esteem and confidence so many things we talked about didn't really "stick" or become effective for very long. Around here Professional help is very difficult to find and keep. Most who provide this service work typical banking hours and are filled with people who are in real desperate need so what M/C we have seeked out has had limited lasting effects. I also have to be very careful about bring up such topics for they can quickly escalate to a conflict if the mood isn't just right and those times are limited increasing the difficulty to resolution.

 

pteromom,

 

I think insecurity is a big part of this problem. Second to that I'm not real good at tact and encouragement without sounding like an *******. I'm currently working on that. We both are pretty frustrated and resentful thus far so defensiveness becomes a problem quickly.

 

 

She is very submissive in relationships and prefers dominant men however I was raised to the opposite. To see the opposite sex as equal in every way and so I have difficulty domineering that way. I'm a introvert who is very self reliant and I prefer to be teammates against the world rather than be a team leader with a blind follower. She certainly loves to be "taken" quickly and without questions as I also like that sometimes too but my fear is that that's the only way she wants it and so without variety there's a lot of faking it for me without reciprocal techniques from her. Pretty much, generally speaking sex is missionary on the bed and she just lays there quietly waiting for me to finish. Sometimes I can get a slight moan or heavy breathing or some kind of other tell that's shes enjoying herslef but for the most part no oral, no foreplay, no teasing, no flirting, sexy talk etc. Sometimes I fake on orgasm due to lack of interest just to end the charade when sleep becomes more fun than continuing. Typically she will orgasm when I do and doesn't seem to mind if she doesn't for what ever the reason might have been that day. When we were first together the sex was pretty good. Not the best I've had by yards however I accepted that for she is a great person overall and a great mom. There have been some troubles in the past that have tested us and our faith to each other. There was a time I caught her red handed on the phone masturbating after coming home from my second job. She claims she was "experimenting" for my sake based on a previous discussions about our sex life excitement. She is aware I'm quite bored with it's current state to the point it's pretty infrequent now. She insists she wants it more, way more. While I call bull**** she accepts that it has hurt me but still doesn't call it "cheating" because of the lack of physical contact. She blames my lack of physical contact toward her as part of the reason it happened.(typical defensive tactic) That's been a whole another topic in itself as I've tried to let that anger go and forgive. Not forget but forgive. If it weren't for my kids needing a mom(to young to be without one) I would have thrown her to the curb with a boot in her ass unfortunately I have to be an adult and adjust to the infidelity to protect my kids and what's best for them. I feel so very stuck without answers or help from anyone. Please advise...

 

In regards to MC, I can understand how difficult it can be to find one that clicks for both of you. Ours ultimately did more harm than good (but the fact that my exwife kept lying about infidelity was a major factor). The general rule is to give it 3 appointments and if there isn't a connection, make a switch. As far as people being 'desperately in need,' I think you qualify. You're here talking divorce and my gut says that if things aren't resolved in the next year or so, you're going to find yourself cheating. You're already ripe for it and probably fortunate that a serious opportunity hasn't presented itself. Perhaps the biggest problem I see is that you're avoiding the conflict. Lots of spouses do it. No one wants to be the nag, the bitch, or to have fights and they take an approach that compromise is best. The problem is that resentment builds (and notably, you've used that term yourself). I can tell you without a doubt that unresolved resentment will kill a marriage. Resentment does not just go away. You can choke it down but it is eventually going to come out and usually in a far less controlled fashion than if you had just dealt with the conflict in the first place. People get resentful, emotionally disconnect from their spouse (which then goes both ways) and start using coping mechanisms (alcohol, drugs, sex/porn, affairs). That is a lot worse than having a disagreement. I implore you to stop being conflict avoidant. Learn how to fight fair - no raising your voice, no name- calling, no swearing, no throwing things, actively listen, don't interrupt, etc.. But get the conflict resolved. What I have learned is that as soon as I start to feel even hesitant to talk to my GF about something, that means I HAVE to talk to her about it. Damn. Maybe it's not today (while tempers and emotions are high) but it's got to happen soon. The resentment is worse than the conflict over the long term and with marriage you're playing the long game. Again, MC is a great place to learn it and to have a moderator present. Talk to your supervisor and schedule it during your workday if you must.

 

I gotta run but will give you a different post on the sex stuff.

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Second to that I'm not real good at tact and encouragement without sounding like an *******.

 

Yes, this is a problem! When you are being dominant sexually, it's about taking control, not being bossy. :)

 

We both are pretty frustrated and resentful thus far so defensiveness becomes a problem quickly.

 

I understand that. Makes it very difficult to solve problems when both people view it as an attack.

 

She is very submissive in relationships and prefers dominant men however I was raised to the opposite. To see the opposite sex as equal in every way and so I have difficulty domineering that way. I'm a introvert who is very self reliant and I prefer to be teammates against the world rather than be a team leader with a blind follower.

 

You can still be equal and take the dominant role in bed.

 

She certainly loves to be "taken" quickly and without questions as I also like that sometimes too but my fear is that that's the only way she wants it and so without variety there's a lot of faking it for me without reciprocal techniques from her.

 

There is a lot of opportunity for variety. You just need to be the one to initiate it.

 

I would go back to her again and ask how she feels about trying some new things - new positions, toys, etc. (I would avoid the porn at this point because if she is insecure, seeing you get turned on by other women could feed that insecurity.) If she says she is interested, tell her that you are going to be adding some things into your sex life, and that if you try something she isn't into, to speak up.

 

Then - go get a toy and take it to bed with you. Turn the lights on. Pull her over on top of you. Take charge.

 

no oral, no foreplay, no teasing, no flirting, sexy talk etc.

 

Have you asked her for oral? If so, what was her response? If not, why not?

 

There was a time I caught her red handed on the phone masturbating after coming home from my second job.

 

Like with another dude?

 

She insists she wants it more, way more. While I call bull**** she accepts that it has hurt me but still doesn't call it "cheating" because of the lack of physical contact. She blames my lack of physical contact toward her as part of the reason it happened.

 

It's not your fault if she went outside your marriage for sexual satisfaction, but I am confused by this whole dynamic. She wants it more. You want it better. Seems like there is a lot of room for improvement on both fronts, and you both have the ability to give each other what you want, but won't for some reason. ??

 

I feel so very stuck without answers or help from anyone. Please advise...

 

I guess my big piece of advice is that you have nothing to lose by trying something completely different. What you are doing isn't working for either of you. Try a new way of initiating sex; a new way of being during sex; a new way of acting toward her outside the bedroom... the whole thing. Dump the past and start over. See if you can rebuild something great with her.

 

You also have nothing to lose by being 100% honest with her when it comes to what you want. Obviously, just asking "are you ok with ____?" doesn't work. You need to give specific instructions of what you want from her, and ask for the same from her.

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David Penn

BetrayedH

 

Everything you replied makes great sense. M/C isn't a plausable though. The two big reason are I travel a lot for my occupation. I'm home every night though. She has a high profile job in the public light and that makes discretion very very difficult at times. We have tried several M/C's and while all were helpful in at least someway, none have been able to fit us in more than a few to three times. There's a very large hole in this local economy for mental health.

I agree wholly that resentment is a animal that creeps in and is very destructive while also being very hard to rid your self of. I have wanted to cheat myself (sexual outlet vs emotion outlet only) and if I were any good with the lady's (another reason I have accepted some behaviors I perhaps should not be tolerating) I probably would have but thankfully the opportunity hasn't presented itself when I felt most vulnerable and so that's actually fortunate thing for me right now. The conflict avoidance is certainly something I have taken seriously about improving. I've come to learn she is a very easy to talk to and quite agreeable but only when she opens up. She is very tenacious and so when the defenses go up, it's a battle of my avoidance tactics against her tenacity that many times renders a conversation into a fight. It's less about me being afraid of conflict and it's more about how much good I feel I'm going to get out of a conversation when the defenses are high. It's tricky. Tenacity is a fantastic thing when perseverance is required but a very negative aspect when adaptability is paramount. Thank you for you listening skills.

 

 

 

pteromom

 

I guess I don't understand there's a difference between "dominant" and "taking control" and remaining respectively equal. Perhaps you can enlighten me. At the risk of sounding like an excuse, she is a people pleaser type of personality and to her own detriment at times. I will get anything I ask for anytime I ask for it. That's the issue in a nut shell. I actually don't respect her as much as a push over that can't say "No" and won't ask for something she wants. I can do whatever I want and when ever I want to her, or ask for anything I want when ever I want except for feedback in bed. Some kind of notation to me that communicates she's enjoying her self is what I really want. A moan, an "oh yeah" a "right there" or "yes" but just laying there doing nothing or saying nothing is a huge turnoff for me because most of what I'm doing is to make her to feel good and I ask for a response accordingly. It's simply the feed back I don't get. A reaction good or bad is what I desire. Frankly the sex is just plain boring as hell. The last few times I've confronted her about this issue she has ensured me she "likes it". That's all she will say about it though. The time I caught her on the phone with another guy I thought she was doing it for my benefit as I'd clued her into a fantasy about me catching her in the act of masturbation. It was so hot and sexy as hell I got an instant erection. I actually stopped to listen for a few moments outside the bedroom door to take in the sounds of lust I thought were meant for me. I was wrong though. Part of me is hurt, envious and angry she won't "sound or act like that" with me but some how feels a stranger (a coworker really) is acceptable. I don't understand the dynamic either. It makes no sense to me at all. I place the blame on her for not giving me the feedback about sex good or bad. "dead fish sex" is the worst kind too. It didn't used to be like this but over the last 10 years or so it's became worse for unknown reasons. Something has to change but without feedback of what's good or bad...it's just stabs in the dark.

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This is a tough one because of the children. Aside from from her insecurities, it also seems that she is not motivated to change because there are no consequences to her behavior. It is quite selfish, but insecure people generally find it hard to consider other people's needs because they have too many needs themselves. I guess your only options are to put up with it and masturbate more or divorce. You have already tried MC. Seems like she needs individual counseling for her insecurity issues.

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A.Moscote

Hi David. We can really sense your frustrations out of your words, hopefully you will be able to vent it off somehow. Don't let the negative emotions build up and push you towards something rash and regretful. Be patience and understanding while trying to work this thing out.

 

During those MC sessions, were you able to convey as much as you have in your posts here? You have actually written a lot about what you think of her here e.g. physically unattractive, mentally unattractive, boring as hell, etc.. List them all again, and conveyed it to her thoroughly, of course with a gentler and more affectionate tone. It is very important for her to realize that this issue is pushing you to the verge of not making this marriage.

 

Again be patience, take things slowly and as pteromom said, one at a time. It doesn't necessarily have to be focused at the time of intimacy only, it should encompass everyday situations. Open her up, build on a more frank and honest communication, encourage and empower her to be more decisive/bold. Start them all on the small things, eventually she'll bring all that to the bed.

 

Don't forget to appreciate her efforts, and don't be too taken down by any setback and regress. It's not easy to change a personality and styles, especially when it seems like she's quite comfortable and unmotivated in the situation. Show her that for any change/effort she made, you would readily do as much change about anything, if not more.

 

Good luck and be strong. Now let us wait for that BetrayedH's sex stuff.

 

P.s.: Be careful about that co-worker incident, don't be paranoid but keep your radar on. Not unwise too to remind her from some regrettable acts.

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BetrayedH
Now let us wait for that BetrayedH's sex stuff.

 

Oh boy, no pressure there. ;)

 

I think that Pteromom, Dichotomy, and I are on a similar wavelength here. I hope that I can find a good way to express it. My gut says that some of this is about her wanting you to be the man in the bedroom.

 

I get the impressiont that you and I were raised in similar fashion. I was raised to respect women and treat them as equals. I grew up with a real disdain for patriarchal systems or anytime that I saw people subjected to discrimination. I've always treated women well. Frankly, it was also the way I courted women as a younger man. I've always been the nice, smart, honest, sensitive, and funny guy in contrast to the selfish jerks.

 

And I think for younger women who might be searching for a husband, they tend to settle down with men of my type as opposed to a bad boy player. They want a man that isn't selfish in bed, that is passionate, engages in foreplay, and takes care of her needs - perhaps even more than his own. They may also want to see themselves as a 'good girl' (not a slut) and refrain from kinky sex. There are plenty of exceptions of course. In many cases, the woman marries thinking that she'll change her husband and the man marries thinking his wife will never change.

 

But I think that as women mature, the societal norms start taking a backseat. They want good (sometimes raunchy) sex as much as men. On a very primal level, sex is a very submissive position for the female. Given time, I think many women embrace their sexuality, care less about their good girl image, and want to be passionately taken by a dominant partner. Sadly, the husband has been conditioned for years to be respectful and doesn't know that his beta approach is less and less attractive. It's also hard for your wife to express this because she's hesitant to shed that good girl image or to make herself overly vulnerable to her husband, with whom she has to negotiate over everything in life. It's hard to give up a power position in a marriage.

 

I think the trick (as Pteromom) alluded to, is to treat her as an absolute equal partner outside the bedroom but to embrace your dominant side in the bedroom. She is not Madonna or a china doll and you will not break her. Start experimenting with taking more control in the bedroom. If you don't want to be in a missionary position, consider just flipping her over, or sideways or three or more ways. Want to have sex with her boobs? Maybe you should just start doing it. Honestly, I am this way about oral sex, too. I don't ask.

 

You'd be amazed at how far this dynamic can go and how satisfying it can be for both partners. Many women enjoy the sense of being helpless. They have rape fantasies (my apologies to those that find this to be a misnomer). They want to be tied up and taken. They don't want their man to be passive and ask. They are embracing their sexuality and want their man to be a man.

 

But I also get the flipside for you. You would also like for your woman to be passionate about satisfying you. With my GF being so submissive, I miss having a woman pursue me sexually. My GF doesn't initiate because she enjoys it when I am overcome with desire and have to have her. Well, I like it when my partner is overcome with desire and has to have me as well. And so we are forced to communicate. And it can be a real struggle. I suppose that's the 'hard work' that they're always talking about when it comes to long relationships.

 

Anyway, enough rambling for me now. Apologies for the long post. I hope something in there resonates for you.

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My Spidey senses are telling me that YOU are being more passive and submissive in the bedroom and out of the bedroom that what you are realizing.

 

I also think your conflict avoidance and resentful nature are poisoning your relationship on a number of different levels.

 

I see a couple different things taking place here that aren't good for the home team. You are being passive and wanting her to step up her game to please you but you aren't addressing that and are letting it fester and build resentment in you. That's what chicks do. You are acting like a chick. Heterosexual women arent turned on by other chicks.

 

Women are turned on by men that take the bull by the horns and pursue that which they desire. Women also respect men that address problems head-on and deal with them in an effective manner......even when they are the problem.

 

I think deep in your mind you have entered into what is called a "covert contract" in which you think that since you treat her as an equal and go through such great lengths to not make her uncomfortable and you try to appease her so much, you think that you should be rewarded with her appreciation and desire and sexuality.

The 'covert' part of that is that you aren't addressing your desires and objectives directly, but rather playing this game trying to work your way around your desires and hoping that she will become desirous of you because you are being "nice."

 

Unfortunately it just doesn't work that way. Women have what his called "responsive desire" (another term you need to look up). That is women's desire responds to men's desire and a man's sexual energy and state of sexiness. Women simply do not find things like passiveness, submissiveness and "nice" sexy.

 

When a woman slips into a bathroom stall in a bar with a biker she just met a half hour before, it's not because the he was being passive and "nice" and being concerned with her comfort and making sure that nothing he would say or do would offend her. She does it because he was being overtly flirtatious and sexual and was openly showing her his desire for her and that is what stimulated her attraction and desire. Yes that is an extreme example but it's extreme to show the point.

 

IMHO what has happened here is you had some initial attraction when you first me and first went out. Over time you tried to appease her and make her feel comfortable and nonpressured. Your passivity and nonpressure made her feel undesired and caused her to lose attraction and desire for you (in other words you became unsexy) and so she lost her girl game and stopped trying to be sexy for you.

 

As this went on chronically, you lost attraction and desire for her and this has taken on a viscious cycle and a downward spiral.

 

Cont...

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....... so where I am going with this is if you want her to be more sexy and more assertive and show more mojo in the sack, YOU are going to have to bump up YOUR sexiness and hope that she will follow suit.

 

Think of this as like each of you has a sexiness dial with the numbers 0-10 on it.

 

Women have 'Responsive Desire" so her disk setting is always going to be in response to your dial setting. It will usually be one digit below yours, sometimes equal to yours but very very rarely higher than yours.

 

Right now your dial is set at "1". Which means hers is at 1 at the most and is more likely at 0.

 

The catch here is you can't just ask her to raise her Sexy Dial setting and no amount of talking or arguing or threatening can raise it. The only way she can raise her Sexy Dial is for you to raise yours first and hope that hers responds in kind.

 

Cont...

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BetrayedH

I also wanted to say that I hear you on the marriage counseling difficulties. It does sound like you have tried and the logistics are problematic at best. I'm also glad that you're receptive to the conflict-avoidance concerns I mentioned. Keep that front of mind, that the conflict does need to be resolved and that these other options are NOT options (E.g. Getting your sexual needs met elsewhere). You really have no idea how much worse this will make your lives. It rains utter destruction, usually for all three people involved, not to mention your children. You have an obligation to either fix the marriage or leave it. Don't give yourself a third choice.

 

All that said, I get that you are only half of the equation when it comes to resolving conflicts. I would encourage you to remain resolved to address the issues but also find times to do it when you are determined NOT to allow yourself to escalate it into a fight. Keep that list of skills at the forefront (no raising your voice, no swearing, etc) and make it a safe time and place for her to open up. At the same time, make it happen. Schedule it if you must.

 

But I am starting to wonder if this really demands a lot of conversation if it is that difficult to get thru her defenses. I tend to agree with Pteromom (once again) that this doesn't seem unsolvable. She wants more sex and you want better sex. There are worse situations to be in (like where one partner is just done with sex altogether). So maybe you don't have to take every approach at once. My gut says to try some of the other suggestions that I mentioned in my previous post. And if that fails entirely, it may be time for a serious sit-down about compatibility.

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....

 

The big catch is she will ALWAYS respond to you raising your Sexy Dial setting. The question is will she respond in a positive or negative manner???

 

She may bump up her sexy to meet yours and that does happen in the world.

 

Other times people decide they don't want to bump up their girl game and don't care if you are sexier or not.

 

Many of those women get on the band wagon when they see other women showing an interest.

 

And some don't.

 

If she doesn't, then you decide if you want to just grit your teeth and live with or whether you will let her go and be with someone else.

 

The position you are striving for is where you have that option to chose rather than just being forced to be in that position by default.

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The time I caught her on the phone with another guy I thought she was doing it for my benefit as I'd clued her into a fantasy about me catching her in the act of masturbation. It was so hot and sexy as hell I got an instant erection. I actually stopped to listen for a few moments outside the bedroom door to take in the sounds of lust I thought were meant for me. I was wrong though. Part of me is hurt, envious and angry she won't "sound or act like that" with me but some how feels a stranger (a coworker really) is acceptable.

 

So - are you saying she was having phone sex with her coworker and openly masturbating and vocal with him?

 

That's the way I read it... If that's true - then she does participate that way - but just not with you.

 

And that would make her a cheater. Maybe you're feeling resentful because she's cheating?

 

I hope I read it wrong.

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pteromom

 

I guess I don't understand there's a difference between "dominant" and "taking control" and remaining respectively equal. Perhaps you can enlighten me.

 

You can be dominant in the bedroom (taking charge, telling her what you want, positioning her, being assertive) and still be equal outside the bedroom (making decisions together, always considering her opinions, being respectful, etc.)

 

At the risk of sounding like an excuse, she is a people pleaser type of personality and to her own detriment at times. I will get anything I ask for anytime I ask for it. That's the issue in a nut shell. I actually don't respect her as much as a push over that can't say "No" and won't ask for something she wants. I can do whatever I want and when ever I want to her, or ask for anything I want when ever I want except for feedback in bed.

 

This is her personality though. She is a passive person, a "Type B" person, and that is just who she is. You are unlikely to change that.

 

Some kind of notation to me that communicates she's enjoying her self is what I really want. A moan, an "oh yeah" a "right there" or "yes" but just laying there doing nothing or saying nothing is a huge turnoff for me because most of what I'm doing is to make her to feel good and I ask for a response accordingly.
Have you told her this? Have you ASKED her why she was able to be vocal on the phone with that guy, and not with you?

 

Part of me is hurt, envious and angry she won't "sound or act like that" with me but some how feels a stranger (a coworker really) is acceptable. I don't understand the dynamic either. It makes no sense to me at all.
There IS a reason. She may be scared to tell you, but there is a reason. Have you ever said anything that would lead to her being afraid to be open to you? Has she ever given a reason for being scared to make noise?

 

I place the blame on her for not giving me the feedback about sex good or bad.
This is a mistake. It takes TWO to create a dynamic in a relationship, and the fact that she was vocal with the other guy proves that there is something specifically about YOU that shuts that down. Does that mean it is YOUR FAULT she cheated? Of course not. She owns responsibility for that... but the only way this is going to be solved is if you quit thinking it terms of "blame" and "fault" and instead look at this as a problem you need to solve together as a TEAM.

 

You have a few great things going for you here:

- you know she is capable of what you seek. She isn't quiet due to some past traumatic experience or upbringing that made her that way.

 

- she likes sex

 

- she is open to trying new things

 

- she will do anything you ask her to do

 

I mean, it sounds to me like you have the perfect opportunity to change what YOU do and have an amazing sex life.

 

You have to let go of the anger toward her in order to fix it though.

 

Something has to change but without feedback of what's good or bad...it's just stabs in the dark.
So start stabbing... what do you have to lose? You are already angry and wanting out. Trying something sounds like a good plan to me.
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BetheButterfly
I think you need a marriage/sex therapist. You need a safe place where you can both speak honestly. A therapist is good to have in the room because they can help arguments stay fair (hard to yell, scream, swear, and throw things or even to storm off when they're there) and they can help hold both of you accountable to agreements.

 

Agreed.

 

It's important to work this out or part ways, in my opinion.

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BetheButterfly

 

 

It takes TWO to create a dynamic in a relationship,

 

100% agreed!!!

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