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My fiance and I are getting married in May. I completely trust him, and he says he completely trusts me, too. I've never known anyone like him, and I feel completely secure that he will make good decisions for our family while always getting my input on things.

 

I moved in to his house this month because my apartment lease was up. Now, we would like to open a joint checking account to pay our household expenses, like the mortgage, insurance, utilities, etc. Then we will each keep our own accounts for the debts we brought in to the marriage (car payments, student loans, etc.). We have mutually agreed upon the amount each of us needs to contribute to the joint account monthly to cover our expenses.

 

I feel like we've done a good job of being transparent and discussing our needs/wants, but I'm never opposed to extra insight. So, is there anything else we should consider when merging finances? Any pitfalls or advice?

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Never trust anyone 100%. Never leave yourself completely dependent and vulnerable.

 

Always have a parachute.

 

Putting a certain amount of money in a joint account to cover joint household expenses is fine but always have separate accounts that no-one else can touch.

 

You are full of love hormones and the world is wonderful now, but you have no idea what either of you will be like 5, 10, 20, 30 years from now.

 

If you read all these threads about people betraying their spouse, or emptying their bank accounts on gambling, drugs, prostitutes, handbags and designer clothes etc etc, the one thing they all have in common is every last single one of them swore their partner could never do something like that back when they were engaged.

 

Always have the ability to leave with the clothes on your back in the middle of the night and survive on your own.

 

Always have the ability to survive on your own if he clears out the house and clears out the accounts with his name and is gone when you get home from work.

 

Always have the ability to feed the kids and survive on your own if he gets killed by a drunk driver on his way home from work.

 

Never be dependent on someone. It's ok to choose to have someone in your life because they enrich your life and make it better than if you were by yourself, but never be dependent on another person and rely on them because you have to.

 

Always ask yourself what you would need to do if they were unexpectedly killed or left you tomorrow, or what you would need to do if you had to leave them for your own safety and well being right now.

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I will respectfully disagree with some of your statements, but I definitely agree with being prepared if something happened to one of us tomorrow. We've talked about wills and stuff, because we are also having a baby in September.

 

I agree with having a reasonable amount of caution, but we're in our mid-30s and have both been engaged before. I never thought I would meet someone who is so clearly as invested as I am in this relationship. We are truly a team, and it is always about what will be best for the two of us (and now three of us).

 

We are keeping our own separate accounts, but mostly because we have debts of our own that we don't feel the other should be responsible for.

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Having never merged finances before & having very different standards of living, DH & I instituted a "cap". Below that amount we could do whatever we wanted in terms of spending. Above that amount, we had to talk about it. The amount will vary from couple to couple.

 

 

As we have been married longer, we no longer ask for certain things but we still check on others. For example: today I had to deal with the HVAC guys because there was a problem with the furnace. In the 1st year of marriage I would have called DH at work to double check that he was OK with the expense since it was over the cap. This morning I just paid the guy because we obviously needed heat & DH was aware of how freakin' cold our house was this morning. However, if I had been about to spend that amount on shoes or clothes I still would have checked.

 

 

For me anyway, it ended up being a nice way to curb my tendency to shop when I was sad because I would think long & hard about purchases before having to "explain" them to DH. I also found cheaper ways to indulge so we save in the long run.

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Having a separate account - for joint bill pays sounds reasonable. Also sounds like you have calculated whats a fair share of things.

 

In both my marriages, we kept our own accounts, and split the bills according to what each of us made (i.e. I made 60% of household income, I paid 60% of common bills).

 

I never cosigned any loans or credit cards until we bought a home.

 

If your having a baby - you do need to get your name on his house deed, and on any life insurances he has (like though work).

 

I would also make SURE you see each others credit reports...credit karma will get you them for free.

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Read Suze Orman's books - there is one specifically for women, I think. And she talks about setting up finances in a marriage so that it's fair and doesn't destroy the couple.

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How can you disagree with being prepared for anything and always being able to take care of yourself?

 

Because I don't plan for my marriage to fail. I realize that some people do. It just won't happen. We both have very clear boundaries, morals and beliefs.

 

Could something happen that could take him from me early, or vice versa? Yes. Would he cheat on me and leave me? No. Not in a million years.

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Having a separate account - for joint bill pays sounds reasonable. Also sounds like you have calculated whats a fair share of things.

 

In both my marriages, we kept our own accounts, and split the bills according to what each of us made (i.e. I made 60% of household income, I paid 60% of common bills).

 

I never cosigned any loans or credit cards until we bought a home.

 

If your having a baby - you do need to get your name on his house deed, and on any life insurances he has (like though work).

 

I would also make SURE you see each others credit reports...credit karma will get you them for free.

 

Thanks! We did view each other's credit reports just this week! We have also talked about getting my name on the mortgage and updating life insurance/getting wills/etc.

 

It's funny....I'm in my mid-30s, but doing all these "real grown-up things" makes me actually, honestly feel like an adult. Not that I haven't behaved as one, but I always feel younger than my age. :D

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Because I don't plan for my marriage to fail. I realize that some people do. It just won't happen. We both have very clear boundaries, morals and beliefs.

 

Could something happen that could take him from me early, or vice versa? Yes. Would he cheat on me and leave me? No. Not in a million years.

 

I don't think ANY of us planned for our marriages to fail.

 

 

Is this your first venture into "real grown-up things"? You're pretty starry eyed. Oldshirt makes good points.

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I don't think ANY of us planned for our marriages to fail.

 

 

Is this your first venture into "real grown-up things"? You're pretty starry eyed. Oldshirt makes good points.

 

No. I'm in my mid-30s, been engaged once before, lived with that fiance two separate times, put myself through bachelor's and master's degree programs, lived in different states completely on my own.

 

There's just something about having a baby, preparing a will and those kinds of things that really make me stop and say "Welp, I'm really and truly a grown-up now." I guess it's the part about having a completely dependent human being that we'll be responsible for now. It's always been just me or me and another reasonably self-sufficient adult. :)

 

I spent many years floundering in relationship that failed or made me miserable because I didn't recognize what was most important and what I should have been looking for in a partner. After I got out of my last relationship (the failed engagement), I really looked hard at what I needed, and now I've found it. The man I'm marrying is loyal to a fault, has never cheated and doesn't believe in cheating, and demonstrates every single day how he loves me and appreciates me. I wish more people could experience what we have, honestly.

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Copelandsanity

oldshirt is right. His message comes across paranoid and perhaps bitter, but he's right. It doesn't mean that you have to open a Swiss bank account, but you should be prepared and cover your bases, and you should be 100% self-sufficient without him. I was in the same situation as you - partner has high moral and ethical values, would never cheat, kind, thoughtful - and she still cheated...it was something she thought "would never do in a million years" and it "just happened." I also personally believe that it's exactly these type of people who are more prone to infidelity.

 

It doesn't seem right to think about these sorts of things; to prepare for a failure. Chances are that you won't and when I was engaged, I would have shunned that advice. But the fact is that the odds of your marriage surviving is a coin toss, the odds of having a happy one is <20%, the chances of infidelity is 60%, and the chances the both of you will think about it is 80%.

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My fiance and I are getting married in May. I completely trust him, and he says he completely trusts me, too. I've never known anyone like him, and I feel completely secure that he will make good decisions for our family while always getting my input on things.

 

I moved in to his house this month because my apartment lease was up. Now, we would like to open a joint checking account to pay our household expenses, like the mortgage, insurance, utilities, etc. Then we will each keep our own accounts for the debts we brought in to the marriage (car payments, student loans, etc.). We have mutually agreed upon the amount each of us needs to contribute to the joint account monthly to cover our expenses.

 

I feel like we've done a good job of being transparent and discussing our needs/wants, but I'm never opposed to extra insight. So, is there anything else we should consider when merging finances? Any pitfalls or advice?

 

Pitfalls:

one earner earns considerably more than the other. Leads to jealsousy and thoughts of "That's not fair". What if he makes far more and buys a new Porsche while you are left, after your joint contribution, with essentially nothing?

 

Who pays for insurance? Doctor's bills? Is YOUR pregnancy a joint or individual issue? What if its cancer? Joint bill or separate? Dentist?

 

What if the joint grocery bill is too high - who covers the difference - or must you pull out receipts to prove who did it and therefore who must pay?

 

What if one cannot work? Will the other loan money to cover the now missing amount sent to the joint account? Interest on that? Who sets the repayment schedule?

 

What if one can afford more into 401k/IRA - what happens in retirement when one partner has 2M and the other 400k? What if that came about because one is spender and the other a saver? Must the saver now carry the spender?

 

What if one wants to install a pool and the other doesn't? Can one simply pay for it anyway out of their money? Or a kitchen remodel?

 

Be wary of money as a point of contention and this setup certainly seems invite such. Maybe find a compromise solution? Flip the setup - all but x amount goes to joint amount until some amount is reached - then it all goes into joint? I like that idea better.

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oldshirt is right. His message comes across paranoid and perhaps bitter, but he's right. It doesn't mean that you have to open a Swiss bank account, but you should be prepared and cover your bases, and you should be 100% self-sufficient without him. I was in the same situation as you - partner has high moral and ethical values, would never cheat, kind, thoughtful - and she still cheated...it was something she thought "would never do in a million years" and it "just happened." I also personally believe that it's exactly these type of people who are more prone to infidelity.

 

It doesn't seem right to think about these sorts of things; to prepare for a failure. Chances are that you won't and when I was engaged, I would have shunned that advice. But the fact is that the odds of your marriage surviving is a coin toss, the odds of having a happy one is <20%, the chances of infidelity is 60%, and the chances the both of you will think about it is 80%.

 

I think your stats are probably accurate even if you did pull them out of thin air, but we are different. Most people get married for the wrong reasons to start with, IMO.

 

Regardless, I'm more looking for insight into creating a shared account or things we might not have thought of regarding sharing finances. Thanks!

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Oh, and I did forget,

 

Congrats on your baby and happy wishes for the future! I do hope it all follows as you've planned.

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Pitfalls:

one earner earns considerably more than the other. Leads to jealsousy and thoughts of "That's not fair". What if he makes far more and buys a new Porsche while you are left, after your joint contribution, with essentially nothing?

 

Who pays for insurance? Doctor's bills? Is YOUR pregnancy a joint or individual issue? What if its cancer? Joint bill or separate? Dentist?

 

What if the joint grocery bill is too high - who covers the difference - or must you pull out receipts to prove who did it and therefore who must pay?

 

What if one cannot work? Will the other loan money to cover the now missing amount sent to the joint account? Interest on that? Who sets the repayment schedule?

 

What if one can afford more into 401k/IRA - what happens in retirement when one partner has 2M and the other 400k? What if that came about because one is spender and the other a saver? Must the saver now carry the spender?

 

What if one wants to install a pool and the other doesn't? Can one simply pay for it anyway out of their money? Or a kitchen remodel?

 

Be wary of money as a point of contention and this setup certainly seems invite such. Maybe find a compromise solution? Flip the setup - all but x amount goes to joint amount until some amount is reached - then it all goes into joint? I like that idea better.

 

THANKS! These are all good questions. Some we have discussed and others not. Will definitely use these as a starting point for our next money talk.

 

In general (although I agree we need a plan for these kinds of things), we both view it as "our" money, even our separate accounts. We also both have the same big and little goals regarding living, spending and saving.

 

My student loans are higher than his, and I feel a responsibility to pay those back myself, but when I go on maternity leave, for example, I'll have to take part of the time unpaid, so he agrees to pick up the slack then. My medical insurance is better, so I'll be adding the baby on to mine. I make a little more (not much) right now, and I have more in my retirement so far, but we have been operating from a "we" standpoint rather than "me".

 

Some of these things I had not thought of yet, though, so thanks again!

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Oh, and I did forget,

 

Congrats on your baby and happy wishes for the future! I do hope it all follows as you've planned.

 

Thanks! I think our biggest test will be when the baby gets here in the fall. I will be taking part of my leave unpaid, and I'm sure we'll both be stressed and lacking sleep. So far, we have dealt with conflict well. We argue or get impatient, but still remain respectful and work things out in the end. We'll see how that continues on little to no sleep. :)

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Congrats on the baby! You'll do just fine!

 

 

Back to finances ...

 

 

Suze Orman says something like both individual salaries are deposited into a joint account.

 

 

From that the common bills are paid (mortgage, groceries, insurance, etc.)

 

 

Then other joint accounts are established for investments, rainy day fund, baby's future, etc.

 

 

Whatever is left over is split 50-50 and deposited in each individual's account.

 

 

Sounds like a good approach, IMO. Evens out the higher wage issue. etc.

 

 

Good luck! :)

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Copelandsanity

My parents were married for over 30 years - before my dad passed - and what they did was keep their accounts separate and each were assigned particular bills and financial obligations, based generally on what each one made in salary. One advantage to this strategy is efficiency. There's no need to open up new accounts and also to scrutinize every single detail. But this requires that both people be 100% trustworthy and also to have the same financial values as each other.

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Because I don't plan for my marriage to fail. I realize that some people do. It just won't happen. We both have very clear boundaries, morals and beliefs.

 

Could something happen that could take him from me early, or vice versa? Yes. Would he cheat on me and leave me? No. Not in a million years.

 

Every couple that has ever walked down the aisle felt that way. Over half of them learned the lesson the hard way.

 

Sticking your head in the sand and saying it won't happen to me, is not sound financial planning.

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I think your stats are probably accurate even if you did pull them out of thin air, but we are different.

 

 

your original post in this thread actually sounded pretty reasonable and legit. It's statements like this that are making me more concerned now. You are not different. Neither you nor he nor your relationship are a special snowflake. You will face the same challenges, same hurdles, same pitfalls, same temptations and same issues as everyone else. You may be happy and you may be a solid and compatible couple, but you are not different from any other individual or any other couple.

 

 

Most people get married for the wrong reasons to start with, IMO.

 

your opinion on why other people marry means nothing in regards to your financial management.

 

I'm more looking for insight into creating a shared account or things we might not have thought of regarding sharing finances.

 

 

my suggestion is to consult an independent for-fee financial planner and discuss the actual nuts and bolts specifics with him/her in regards to specific accounts, saving, spending, budgeting, investing, insurance, planning etc etc.

 

The point I and a few others are trying to make and the part that you may be overlooking is that the possibility of divorce or gross mismanagement/fraud/manipulation/death etc is very real. As you go through any kind of financial planning process as you go into marriage or legally committed relationship, you must always consider the escape plan and have the ways and means to keep a roof over your head and food in your belly if everything blows up in your face.

 

The one thing every single divorced and widowed and defrauded person has in common, is not a single one of them thought it would happen to them and every single one of them thought that they were somehow "different" from the rest.

 

I and the other posters are not giving you any specific financial advice. That is the job of a financial professional. What we are telling you is to go into the financial merging process with a mindset that you may be merging financial responsibilities with someone else, but to always keep in mind that you may be forced to go it alone on your own some day.

 

Responses above.

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Thanks to those who have offered real insight into things we might consider. Some posters in particular have mentioned things I hadn't thought about or referenced specific books/authors that may be helpful to us.

 

To those questioning my relationship - yes, we are different than MANY people. We don't view marriage as disposable. The only reasons we feel divorce is warranted are cheating or physical abuse.

 

And yes, most people do go into marriage for the wrong reasons, which is why our divorce rate is so high today. They marry because they "feel" in love or because they just want the pretty picture of a family without really evaluating WHY they're marrying the PERSON they choose to marry. Many women only marry because they're excited to have a wedding, but give little thought to what comes after that. Just from reading these boards, the people here typically maintain an independent, selfish attitude; i.e. if their spouse is unhappy or uncomfortable about something, it's "his" problem or "her" problem. They don't view things as a team.

 

I'm sorry if that rubs some of you the wrong way, but that's just how it is. Yes, we all face the same kinds of PROBLEMS in relationships, but very few people are well equipped to deal with them. Most people just think "Well, if it gets too bad, we'll just divorce." That's a bad way to enter a marriage.

 

I have not "stuck my head in the sand" as one of you stated. I'm educated and well-informed about the person I'm marrying, as well as equipped to manage the inevitable ups and downs without quitting. "Our" happiness together comes ahead of my own happiness, and he would say the same. Shame more people can't say the same.

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JohnMcClaine

To those questioning my relationship - yes, we are different than MANY people.

 

It's strange how every couple thinks this.

 

We don't view marriage as disposable. The only reasons we feel divorce is warranted are cheating or physical abuse.

 

You are no different than most other couples right now who are getting married. They are no less qualified than you are.

 

And yes, most people do go into marriage for the wrong reasons, which is why our divorce rate is so high today. They marry because they "feel" in love

 

Everyone marries because they "feel" in love and "feel" that they are going to spend the rest of their lives with someone, trouble free. The fact of the matter is that you never know for sure what's going to happen.

 

I'm sorry if that rubs some of you the wrong way, but that's just how it is. Yes, we all face the same kinds of PROBLEMS in relationships, but very few people are well equipped to deal with them. Most people just think "Well, if it gets too bad, we'll just divorce." That's a bad way to enter a marriage.

 

I think what's rubbing some people the wrong way is being naive enough to think that your relationship is a special case compared to most all of the other ones, and that therefore having a legitimate plan for a scenario where things go wrong is not needed.

 

I have not "stuck my head in the sand" as one of you stated. I'm educated and well-informed about the person I'm marrying, as well as equipped to manage the inevitable ups and downs without quitting.

 

No one is advocating quitting during the inevitable ups and downs. What is being advocated here is having some idea of a plan in the event that things do not in fact go the way you expect and a divorce happens.

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It's strange how every couple thinks this.

 

 

 

You are no different than most other couples right now who are getting married. They are no less qualified than you are.

 

 

 

Everyone marries because they "feel" in love and "feel" that they are going to spend the rest of their lives with someone, trouble free. The fact of the matter is that you never know for sure what's going to happen.

 

 

 

I think what's rubbing some people the wrong way is being naive enough to think that your relationship is a special case compared to most all of the other ones, and that therefore having a legitimate plan for a scenario where things go wrong is not needed.

 

 

 

No one is advocating quitting during the inevitable ups and downs. What is being advocated here is having some idea of a plan in the event that things do not in fact go the way you expect and a divorce happens.

 

I'm sorry you can't understand where we are coming from. Your "insight" into my relationship is laughable over a message board like this, especially when all I've asked is for insight into finances. If you're divorced or going through a divorce, then yeah, my relationship is and will be different than yours. If I'm still online and LS is still around in 50 years, I'll be glad to come back to say "I told you so."

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JohnMcClaine
I'm sorry you can't understand where we are coming from. Your "insight" into my relationship is laughable over a message board like this, especially when all I've asked is for insight into finances. If you're divorced or going through a divorce, then yeah, my relationship is and will be different than yours. If I'm still online and LS is still around in 50 years, I'll be glad to come back to say "I told you so."

 

You must be special after all. You apparently already know the future.

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