Valen Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 I'm thinking if I fall in love with a woman and we both enjoy our independence, we could get married and live in separate residence. I won't get to see her everyday, which will make me enjoy seeing her even more. I also get to have my alone time and she'll get to have hers. I'm not sure how this will work out long term as I haven't heard anyone done it. But I thought it would be cool to be committed to someone yet have some freedom and independence. Would be awesome. The reason I thought about this is because when I was talking to my sister who recently gotten married. She said she missed having her own room. lol She doesn't like sharing with her husband. We are both similar in that we enjoy having our own space. So I'm extending this idea to having my own place and my future wife having her own place. We'll continue to meet and go on dates like before we got married. What marriage means for us would be that we decided that we will be together for the rest of our life as partners. Of course she can always come over to sleep at my place whenever she wants but having separate residence would make it easier to have time apart to make each other miss and appreciate one another more. Of course this is all just theory, not sure how it would work out. Just throwing something out there to think about. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 I knew a couple whose dogs did not get along so they maintained separate residences. VERY expensive thing to do for dogs.... Most people need a place to chill. For men, it is usually their "man cave." The famous author, Virginia Wolfe, even wrote - in 1929 - a well-known essay called "A Room of One's Own" essentially extolling the virtues of having a place all to one's self. My husband and I have our own separate spaces for such things; I have an art studio and he has an office. It is our personal sanctuaries, as such. But separate residences? Awfully expensive to have two of everything (i.e., toasters, plates, towels, cleaning products...) Sounds like you should just keep dating and having a long-term relationship with someone you don't live with. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
deathandtaxes Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 This is what separate rooms are for. A room to go muck around in on your own. In my married years, I had a home office that doubled as my 'man cave'. The wife had a room all to her own. And we also had two TV's in the house, which helped when we wanted a little time for that to ourselves. You have to find what works for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Valen Posted April 23, 2014 Author Share Posted April 23, 2014 But separate residences? Awfully expensive to have two of everything (i.e., toasters, plates, towels, cleaning products...) Sounds like you should just keep dating and having a long-term relationship with someone you don't live with. It's not expensive because you both already have these things prior to dating. You are probably thinking of two married people who already living together splitting apart to two new residence so they have to buy everything again. It's not like that. We just kept our lives the way it was from the get go, except we decided to get married to make a commitment to be together for the rest of our life. Yea I know it sounds like why bother getting married if you live separately. Yes I agree it's unconventional but there's more to it than that. Traditionally married couples shares the same bed, but I have known many married couple have separate beds and separate rooms. So now I am taken it a step further and have separate residence. I'm wondering if having separate housing could maintain a happier marriage. Not saying it would. Just curious how it would play out. Just like when my best-friend from college and I decided to roommate together, we eventually hated each other after a few years living together. We fought over things about the place. He wants things his way and I like things my way. We would have gone along pretty fine had we not lived and share a place together. We both decided to get our own place and we were best-friends again. I'm just applying this concept to marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
sumathi Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 A new conception of marriage! And a very wrong conception! Why should you feel living in the same house will stifle your independence? Why do you feel living apart can make you more loving? Actually your thoughts can never work in marriage! It is when you spend quality time together can your relationship survive. When you are aloof from your spouse and spend time together only when your mood allows you, it is very easy to drift away from each other and thereby destroy your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 Actually, I remembered my very close friends who are rather famous authors... She has the house in the country and he has the penthouse in the city. They have been married for 25/30 years and only did this in the later part of their marriage. He would go to the country (actually, wine county here in NorCal) on the weekends. During the week, he had his city life of museums and shows. Sometimes, she would join him in the city for book signings and dinners, but less often. Bear in mind, this was after they had raised a family together - in their <ahem> golden years. This was when I met them and had a great relationship with both. I would go to art shows with him in the city, have dinner with her amongst the vineyards, and occasionally have them both over for dinner. It worked very well for them for many years, until health issues necessitated they finally live together. It helped that they are both wealthy. Link to post Share on other sites
Lernaean_Hydra Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 I'm thinking if I fall in love with a woman and we both enjoy our independence, we could get married and live in separate residence. I won't get to see her everyday, which will make me enjoy seeing her even more. I also get to have my alone time and she'll get to have hers. I'm not sure how this will work out long term as I haven't heard anyone done it. But I thought it would be cool to be committed to someone yet have some freedom and independence. Would be awesome. The reason I thought about this is because when I was talking to my sister who recently gotten married. She said she missed having her own room. lol She doesn't like sharing with her husband. We are both similar in that we enjoy having our own space. So I'm extending this idea to having my own place and my future wife having her own place. We'll continue to meet and go on dates like before we got married. What marriage means for us would be that we decided that we will be together for the rest of our life as partners. Of course she can always come over to sleep at my place whenever she wants but having separate residence would make it easier to have time apart to make each other miss and appreciate one another more. Of course this is all just theory, not sure how it would work out. Just throwing something out there to think about. Honestly, what you've just described here is my ideal marriage. My friends call me crazy, say no man will ever put up with that, that one or both of us will cheat because it'll be "so easy to do so" or that it wouldn't be a "real relationship" but I can't see myself entering into anything long term unless it strongly resembled something like the setup you put forth. I value my space a lot and nothing makes me resent someone faster than spending too much time with them. A lot of people will say "But...but when you're in love there's no such thing as too much..." but I wholeheartedly disagree. There most certainly is for me at least. Unconventional sure, but or two people who are both committed and loyal, I see no reason why it couldn't work. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Valen Posted April 23, 2014 Author Share Posted April 23, 2014 Honestly, what you've just described here is my ideal marriage. My friends call me crazy, say no man will ever put up with that, that one or both of us will cheat because it'll be "so easy to do so" or that it wouldn't be a "real relationship" but I can't see myself entering into anything long term unless it strongly resembled something like the setup you put forth. I value my space a lot and nothing makes me resent someone faster than spending too much time with them. A lot of people will say "But...but when you're in love there's no such thing as too much..." but I wholeheartedly disagree. There most certainly is for me at least. Unconventional sure, but or two people who are both committed and loyal, I see no reason why it couldn't work. Glad to see I'm not alone in this way of thinking. Link to post Share on other sites
iris219 Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 Do you want children? How would you manage this with children? Link to post Share on other sites
SJS Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 My in-laws live like this. They both travel a lot for work, and for their time off she stays in the city and he has his own cattle ranch out in the country. They were in different states, but he just moved his ranch and now they share the same state. They've been married for at least 25 years. I'm not exactly sure when they see each other, but I know it's quite often because the grandparents talk about seeing them. It would not work for me, but it works for them. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 Anything is possible assuming you can find someone compatible. It's not my cup of tea (living together is extremely important to me, even more so than marriage, so marriage with separate residences would strike me as pointless), but each to their own. If you are both okay with it, can both afford to maintain separate residences and are able to see enough of each other without too much inconvenience, I don't see why not. Personally my dream would be a house with a few rooms for both of us. A study for me, a gaming room for him, living room, kitchen, and our bedroom. Then we can get all the alone-time we need while still living together. Link to post Share on other sites
Cuppajoe Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 Both my husband and I are very independent individuals. Before we met, we never thought we would get married. We love our freedom and independence so much. We have been married for a year now. What we do to give the other some space is that we travel, both and alone. When the other one travels, it gives everyone the opportunity to miss the other one. And also, we always try to keep busy individually so that we always have something to share to each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Valen Posted April 23, 2014 Author Share Posted April 23, 2014 Do you want children? How would you manage this with children? The world has enough children. I have plenty of nieces that I adore. I don't need to have my own. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 In this economy it's actually more common. One spouse can't get work locally so "moves" somewhere far & they both maintain seperate households. Too much seperateness puts a strain on a marriage just like too much togetherness. You can set up boundaries inside the house so you aren't in each other's spaces. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 My wife has a cleaning OCD and scrubs the house top to bottom for many hours every day. I am a bit of a slob (in her eyes anyway) and we knew when we got engaged that those two worlds would collide. When we got our first house the first year we were married, we kept separate bedrooms and I had a room downstairs where I kept all my stuff. I slept in her room but kept all my clothes and everything in my room. As the kids came keeping the house clean and tidy has become a challenge and a source of conflict. The last couple years she has become obcessed with getting a new bigger house. Reading the writing on the wall I can see that it will just be more space and more rooms for her to fuss over so I have advocated she just move to her own house and have the kids and I remain in our current home. I said we can remain married as long as there was a romantic/sexual connection between us and she could have unrestricted free access to my house and the children whenever she wanted but having her own house would take a lot of the pressure and tension off of all of us. She has continually rejected that idea and there certainly are financial hurdles with that idea. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 .....My situation is different however since we have been married over 18 years and have minor children. In your situation, the question needs to raised as to why marry at all???? If you don't intend to have children and You both value your space and own home, there is no reason to marry. You can have commitment without marriage and you can have companionship, romance and sexuality without marriage so why complicate things with marriage when marriage won't provide any benefits. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 My wife has a cleaning OCD and scrubs the house top to bottom for many hours every day. I am a bit of a slob (in her eyes anyway) and we knew when we got engaged that those two worlds would collide. When we got our first house the first year we were married, we kept separate bedrooms and I had a room downstairs where I kept all my stuff. I slept in her room but kept all my clothes and everything in my room. It reminds me of Howie Mandell. I read that they found a house where he can be OCD in the mother-in-law-cottage on their property all day long and agrees to leave the family house alone. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted April 24, 2014 Share Posted April 24, 2014 It reminds me of Howie Mandell. I read that they found a house where he can be OCD in the mother-in-law-cottage on their property all day long and agrees to leave the family house alone. That would be nice. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted April 24, 2014 Share Posted April 24, 2014 Maybe in blended family situations or job related responsibility it might make sense.........I don't really rule anything out for what works fro one couple might not be the same that works for another......if both were equally happy with the arrangement then who is anyone else to say it suits that couple or not....are the circumstances of a marriage more important than the outcome of a marriage....i dont remember in any vows that you say before god in a marriage that i swear to stay in the same house and sleep in the same bed every night...because realistically.....people spend time apart...whether you are committed to making it work, faithful and diligent in that marriage either together or apart and in any circumstance or location would be something that would be most important....... but then...who am i to say anything as i have never married.......but i was in a long term relationship that was long distance for the majority for fifteen years due to work commitments......its all about commitment is a thought i have...and it has to be mutually open and honest....deb Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 24, 2014 Share Posted April 24, 2014 I'm thinking if I fall in love with a woman and we both enjoy our independence, we could get married and live in separate residence. I won't get to see her everyday, which will make me enjoy seeing her even more. I also get to have my alone time and she'll get to have hers. I'm not sure how this will work out long term as I haven't heard anyone done it. But I thought it would be cool to be committed to someone yet have some freedom and independence. Would be awesome. The reason I thought about this is because when I was talking to my sister who recently gotten married. She said she missed having her own room. lol She doesn't like sharing with her husband. We are both similar in that we enjoy having our own space. So I'm extending this idea to having my own place and my future wife having her own place. We'll continue to meet and go on dates like before we got married. What marriage means for us would be that we decided that we will be together for the rest of our life as partners. Of course she can always come over to sleep at my place whenever she wants but having separate residence would make it easier to have time apart to make each other miss and appreciate one another more. Of course this is all just theory, not sure how it would work out. Just throwing something out there to think about. Just live in a big enough house that you two can sometimes sleep in separate bedrooms. Living apart? Stupidest thing I've heard in a long time. No offense, k. When you get married, you're not glued to the hip. OMG if I spent every waking hour and all my time with my husband I'd lose it and so would he. A couple has to have 'their' time to do other things/projects/spend time with friends and go out on their own. That's a healthy and thriving marriage. To live apart just prevents a bond from growing and getting stronger. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 24, 2014 Share Posted April 24, 2014 My wife has a cleaning OCD and scrubs the house top to bottom for many hours every day. I am a bit of a slob (in her eyes anyway) and we knew when we got engaged that those two worlds would collide. When we got our first house the first year we were married, we kept separate bedrooms and I had a room downstairs where I kept all my stuff. I slept in her room but kept all my clothes and everything in my room. As the kids came keeping the house clean and tidy has become a challenge and a source of conflict. The last couple years she has become obcessed with getting a new bigger house. Reading the writing on the wall I can see that it will just be more space and more rooms for her to fuss over so I have advocated she just move to her own house and have the kids and I remain in our current home. I said we can remain married as long as there was a romantic/sexual connection between us and she could have unrestricted free access to my house and the children whenever she wanted but having her own house would take a lot of the pressure and tension off of all of us. She has continually rejected that idea and there certainly are financial hurdles with that idea. Has your wife gone to counseling to cope with her OCD or tried meds? Link to post Share on other sites
lucy_in_disguise Posted April 24, 2014 Share Posted April 24, 2014 From the perspective of someone who is NOT married but has spent years in relationships without cohabitation- your idea sounds miserable to me! I like having my space, sure, but it is a major pain in the ass to bounce around between two households. I end up with two of many things, which is expensive, but what I don't have in 2's I end up hauling from one residence to the other. Dressing myself sucks because I'm always missin something I left at his/ my place, and I'm always buying food I don't end up getting the opportunity to eat. So, from my point of view, a big house with lots of rooms seems like a much better option. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PinkInTheLimo Posted April 24, 2014 Share Posted April 24, 2014 Each one a seperate space would be vital for me. I would however hate it if we sleep in seperate rooms. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts