Cuppajoe Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 (edited) So just this morning, as I was about to open a folder from his computer with all our favorite series, in the same location, I found a folder entitled classmate_babes. I opened it wondering if my suspicions are true. They are girls from a porn website but that's not the main point. I don't mind my husband looking at porn. What I do mind is, how come he has a sex video of an ex plus photos of her in sexual ways. The video was found in the same location but it was on drive E. I opened the latese opened folder and traced it. The video says it is 4 years old. We have been together for 3 years. I opened that file and closed his computer so that when he gets home, he will see it right away. I couldn't contain my composure. I thought I can control my reactions but then, I started shouting at him. And on why he could do such a thing. I told asked him why he saved that particular video when I know he has done several videos with other women. He couldn't answer. He said it was just there. But, when locating the video, it was made to be hidden. I shouted at him how dumb he was for not knowing I wouldn't find it. He then starting talking about me snooping. Yes, I get it. But if it weren't for it, I wouldn't have discovered that video which will torment me for the next days. I mean, our sex life is very healthy and we constantly try new things. I've done everything for him so I don't see any reason why he should keep that sex video. Please help me. I need your advice. Did I overreact? I was really hurt by this. He said sorry sincerely afterwards but still, I feel betrayed and disrespect. And I asked him if he intended to delete that and he answered "at one point." And he added "anyway, we are not going to last so I thought.." That was the dumbest reply ever. Our marriage is on the rocks at the moment because of financial issues so I mentioned, with all our disagreements and fights, we might not last long. But still, he shouldn't answer like that. So , the intention was to keep the video. I'm so hurt and so disturbed. Please, what shall I do? Edited April 22, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
iiiii Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 I don't know. I can see why you'd be upset and jealous that he hadn't deleted it. If I were in your position, this would make me worry that he misses his ex, or regrets breaking up with her. I guess I can see his side a little bit too. If you're OK with him watching porn, maybe he is just using this as porn, rather than actually wanting to be with this woman again? Is it also possible he hasn't looked at it while you guys have been together - could you see the last time someone opened the file before you? Hopefully the guys here can throw more light on what he was likely to have been doing and thinking. Link to post Share on other sites
Smilecharmer Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 Remember what you say in anger hurts him so if you are talking about the marriage being over due to financial issues, he is thinking it is over anyway. My husband and I have a pact,we never mention divorce as it isn't an option. We married for a reason so we will figure out how to deal with our issues in a calm and rational manner. Screaming isn't healthy and it doesn't resolve anything. Sit down and talk about what is really bothering you and try to come to a decision made by both of you. In the future, ask him to get rid of anything that pertains to exes...tell him it hurts you to see that stuff and you would be grateful if he could delete it. Ask him to sit down with you and make a budget for your finances and decide in what needs to be saved or allotted together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 fantasies of your spouse can hurt! If you could penetrate his secret dreams you might find out that he is attracted not only to his ex, but also to your next door married neighbour, your best girlfriend, his gorgeous colleague from work with long legs, and maybe the fat bartender with the huge boobs... This folder is his private world of fantasies. If you decided to snoop, well you aren't a criminal but you should take the responsibility of your actions and shut up. You husband's only mistake is that he didn't hide it better by a password or put it in a deep innocent looking other folder. Link to post Share on other sites
Omei Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 (edited) Porn is fine.. The question is in your relationship are ex's forbidden? If it is... oops his bad he got caught. Most people that move onto new relationships do not keep sexual momento's of their last out of respect for their new partner, if you guys have this type of relationship then there's nothing he could say to make it right. We are intitled to our own secret world of fantasy's but most of us dont put it into a actual form, like watching ex's do sexual activity's. Edited April 22, 2014 by Omei Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cuppajoe Posted April 22, 2014 Author Share Posted April 22, 2014 Thanks everyone for your input. For me, porn is fine. He can look at other girls on porn websites but looking at an ex with him in it in a video? I don't think so. We have made amends but we are not talking. I just couldn't believe he has those in his computer. I thought he was different from the rest. And I never , in my marriage life, thought this would happen to us. I made it perfectly clear to him before that flirting online, contacting ex's online is a big no-no in this relationship. He should have known better with this incident. Although he has said sorry, I couldn't get the images out of my mind and I am still hurting. If I hadn't opened that folder, I wouldn't have found out so, I am right at finding the stupid video or else it would have still been there without my knowledge. Not keeping sexual momentos of your ex's in the computer is a big sign of respect to the other partner. I feel disrespected. And by the way, he always mentions he doesn't like blondes and women with big breasts but in this video, they perfectly describe her. that is why I am also really mad at him. Link to post Share on other sites
Million.to.1 Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 Please Use the Enter Key. Reading your posts is painful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cuppajoe Posted April 22, 2014 Author Share Posted April 22, 2014 Oopps, sorry about that. By the way, he has made a code to his computer now so it is only he who has access. I mean, what is there to hide? Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 Hell, the video was over 4 years old and before your relationship started. For all you know, he could have forgotten it was there! Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 I can see both sides. Porn being OK is one thing. An actual tape with another person -- who is real -- well that can be hard to deal with. The good news is the video was shot before your relationship. Although you have knowledge of the tape's existence which hurts, he still have the memory & always will. That can't be erased. When you are calmer, talk to him. As long as he's using it like porn & not thinking, gee I'd like my EX back & she's better than my wife, find a way to work through this together. Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 Hell, the video was over 4 years old and before your relationship started. For all you know, he could have forgotten it was there! Which I would completely be okay with, IF his response was 'oh jeez, forgot I had that', and he deleted it then and there, in my presence. I'm the world's worst person when it comes to keeping my computer clean and uncluttered, so have no right to throw stones. Sounds like OP's husband is keeping it out of spite, to taunt her. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 I don't really have an answer for you that will help ease your hurt and feelings of betrayal etc. I do think his response of "we aren't going to last..." was quite insensitive and boarish and IMHO is more of an issue than an old porn clip of an ex. All I can say as a guy is, I have some vids of my wife and I together and I intend to keep them forever. Even if our marriage goes to sht and we divorce, the vids are of very happy times and are very fond memories. If I was to remarry I would do everything I could to make sure my new wife would never know about them so she wouldn't feel bad but I would never get rid of them or let anyone else ever see them. They are way too personal and meaningful to me. But I would never get rid of them. If I were to ever remarry I would do what I could that my new wife wouldn't feel threatened or disrespected though. I think your H' s attitude is more of an issue than some girly pics and a vid of an old GF. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 What should you do? Relax. The video was before your time. It is a part of his life. Why should he delete part of his past because you don't like it or are insecure about it? It sounds like he was going to delete it anyway, but given your circumstance and the likely failure of your marriage, why bother doing so now? Personally, I don't throw out anything that documents my past experiences and relationships, and if I had a sex video, I'd probably keep that too, and wouldn't be bothered if my wife had one. It's unlikely that I'd even ever watch it, even if I were single again, but that's not the point. Link to post Share on other sites
Eivuwan Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 Taking everything you have posted about him as a whole... He wants you to sign a postnup, he thinks you guys are not going to last, he put a password on his computer after you found out about the video... I don't know. Why do I have a feeling that you went into the marriage with you being more crazy about him than he is about you? He seems callous and selfish based on what you have written so far. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Krytie TV Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 Just so you know, OP, your husband can love you, and enjoy watching a sex tape that he was in in his previous life. The two are not mutually exclusive. The real issue is what you feel is acceptable. You can hate that he looks at it, but it doesn't have to imply that he doesn't love you completely. Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 Hell, the video was over 4 years old and before your relationship started. For all you know, he could have forgotten it was there! Yeah but I think her bone of contention is that her husband was the co star in the video. I wasn't two random people having sex. It was her husband and his old squeeze and that has to play hell on anyone's mind. Cuppajoe said she didn't care if he watched porn, she just didn't expect to see his naked ass in the video. That has to be a shock. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 I don't think he kept that video out of spite or anything. Seems he just didn't think PERIOD. This is about him, not you. His past, a sexy fun video of himself and his ex. He may not have thought it would be hurtful to you. I'm not defending him, he's a real shi.t to want to keep that around but I think he's clueless. He got busted and of course did the 'you were snooping' line on you to deflect some of this onto you. You are not to blame, it's not like you were 'snooping' with intention. You stumbled across it. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 Oopps, sorry about that. By the way, he has made a code to his computer now so it is only he who has access. I mean, what is there to hide? So he isn't sorry. He now won't delete that video and him pass coding the computer says you are not welcome to touch or use his computer. Period! WRONG, and he's acting like a spoiled brat. Time for him to delete the videos and act like a considerate and respectful husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cuppajoe Posted April 23, 2014 Author Share Posted April 23, 2014 We had a long, and I mean long, talk the next day. We have made amends. He did say he was sincerely sorry and that it didn't mean anything. Okay, guys sure have this kind of stuff but my stand is that such videos and photos have no place in our house, relationship and in his computer. I think it's a matter of respect. I have followed his wishes and demands so this one from mine. I tried to keep an open mind that yes, it's a dude thing so I forgave my husband. I was sorry for overreacting and saying bad words to him. I was really just shocked. Our financial spites, well, that's another thing. We have our own sex videos. When we had the fight, I wanted him to erase all ours. If we go away from each other, i don't want any woman, who he will be that time his gf/wife, to discover our videos. I was hurt when upon discovering and I don't want any woman to feel the same. I told my husband "you shouldn't be keeping that video. Does she have a copy? Maybe she thought it was gone? What if it gets leaked? Have some respect for the woman and get rid of it. Foor good." Thank you everyone for what you have written. I really appreciate it. I hope you all will not experience the same. Link to post Share on other sites
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