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My wife will not stop seeing her male friends so frequently


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TroubledOne

I am looking for independent advice because I have talked through this issue with my wife on endless occasions but we always end up in the same do-loop.

 

 

My wife and I are on our 13th year of marriage after being high school sweethearts. She was a stay-at-home mom until 2 years ago when our daughter was old enough to not need her at home. At that point my wife launched her career - a move that I wholeheartedly supported and continue to support. We do not need the money so one of her main reasons for starting her career was to have more of a social life - that is having friendships with actual adults, not just being mommy. Again, I fully support this and in fact encouraged it because this clearly was something that she needed in her life.

 

 

We have literally had a storybook marriage for the first 11 years - by both of our accounts and by those around us. The issue Im writing about, however, arose about six months after starting her career. She started eating lunch with other men. She was not up front with me about this and I didnt even realize it was going on until I found a facebook conversation where one man had been going back and forth with her on weekends and holidays to see how she was doing. To be perfectly clear, and to avoid the quick accustations of me being overly insecure or controlling, I would have been fine with all of this had it not been hidden. When I found out what had been going on, she apologized, immediately ended the relationship, and stopped going to lunch all together with other men to show me that she was committed to our marriage!

 

 

In the meantime, I looked inward to figure out what I wasnt giving her that she needed from these other men. I had several long conversations with her to fully understand what makes her feel most loved (ie, the 5 love languages). I set out for the next year to give her everything she needs. I changed jobs to have more family time; I learned to cook so she didnt have to do it when tired from work; I made her special videos with pictures of us set to music; there was never a week without flowers on the table; etc, etc. During this year, she barely reciprocated but that was perfectly ok - love isnt about getting back. She claims to have appreciated everything, but it still felt like things werent moving in the right direction.

 

 

As I ramped up this attention, two things happened 1) she inexplicapably lost all interest in sex and 2) started going out to lunch with the same men fairly frequently again. On 1), we've discussed the sex issue at length and the bottom line is that she just doesnt think about it anymore and isnt interested (although she claims that she wishes she was still interested). She also claims--and I believe her--that she isnt at all interested sexually in other men. On 2), I've expressed to her that I dont want her to go to lunch anymore with these other men, especially given what happened the first time. Every once in a while is fine but I told her that I dont want her going every day. She claims to have no feelings for them, but one in particular has been flirty with her at parties and another one texts her at home, sometimes in the middle of dinner.

 

 

I attempted to outline what I consider to be a healthy boundary in marriage - if one spouse is doing something that makes the other uncomfortable, then it seems that it should stop - and I've asked her to stop having these lunches because it bothers me. I've even offered to have lunch with her on my lunch hour and she has cancelled several times in the past couple weeks but has gone to lunch with them the same day. My wife is in full defense mode of her male friendships and this is now the second round of them.

 

 

So my question is this: am I overreacting - this is just a phase she is going through and I should just wait it out (let something go free and it will return if there's true love)? Or am I at the point where I should stick to my conviction that the other relationships make me uncomfortable and she should scale back to these lunches every once in a while instead of every day?

 

 

I would really appreciate your thoughts and advice. Thank you!

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I don't think you're necessarily wrong to be suspicious of her for her past lying, and her current defensive mode. You're certainly within your rights to continue to complain about it.

 

Her recent behaviour suggests major red flags about the relationship, and frankly you should probably ease up on the interrogation and just start to investigate whether she's already taken a relationship farther than is appropriate.

 

That said, just sticking to the lunch issue, this probably reflects very different lifestyles, but I would never be ok with my husband trying to meet all of my needs for conversation so that I essentially never felt the need to talk to another man again. I would find that incredibly restrictive and so, btw, would he. Some people need that to feel secure, and I respect that. But I couldn't live by such rules.

 

It may be that you two are, simply, deeply incompatible on this issue. I would never be able to accept that as a reasonable request from my spouse.

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How do you feel about getting to know these men friends? Perhaps you could join them all for lunch when you can? I'm personally in favour of one being able to have mixed sex friendships and it is possible to have flirty men friends without it being reciprocated, however she shouldn't be being deceitful and any friend of hers should be welcoming to being involved with you both.

Consider what steps you would go through to ensure your wife was comfortable with a female friend of yours, it would be fair to expect the same in return.

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How do you feel about getting to know these men friends? Perhaps you could join them all for lunch when you can? I'm personally in favour of one being able to have mixed sex friendships and it is possible to have flirty men friends without it being reciprocated, however she shouldn't be being deceitful and any friend of hers should be welcoming to being involved with you both.

Consider what steps you would go through to ensure your wife was comfortable with a female friend of yours, it would be fair to expect the same in return.

 

I agree with this. It doesn't sound like you've been introduced to these men before. If that's the case, and they are going to lunch everyday, and also texting and talking on weekends, I would say that is unreasonable.

 

The lunches alone are not something I would worry too much about. Have you heard of the term "work spouse"? Work spouse - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

These are common friendships in an office or field environment when coworkers are spending a lot of time with each other. In the last office I worked in, there were a bunch of these paired friendships, and I have no reason to believe that the friendships went beyond friendship. I do know that all the spouses knew the coworkers and would joke about being work wives and work husbands.

 

I sometimes will get lunch with a female coworker and I've had work friendships where we eat lunch together more frequently. In every case, I've eventually been introduced to the husband or boyfriend and become friendly with them as well as my coworkers, and my girlfriend has always been included as well.

 

In only rare instances would I contact a coworker after hours, and most of those contacts are either work related or to plan something as couples.

 

It doesn't sound like your wife's coworkers understand these boundaries, and your wife has not enforced them.

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Grumpybutfun

If she has lost interest in sex, there is something going on. One doesn't just lose interest without a psychological or emotional reason why. You know that you are giving and giving and she had actually pulled back when you did that...therefore it is safe to say that she is yearning for male attention and her ego is somehow being fed by these lunches with these men at work. Ego is very fragile for women when they get to a certain age (and men too.)

 

Therefore she is looking for validation outside of her marriage and that leads to possible cheating. You need to get in MC ASAP to figure out what she is missing and where her sex drive has gone. If you haven't gained weight, became a slob, stopped being helpful or romantic, she needs to see a medical doctor. If she doesn't seem concerned about it, then I think she is getting her sexual validation elsewhere even of she is not having sex. It sounds like she is already involved in an emotional affair and she is telling you lies aovut it. After all, she felt she needed to hide these men so she obviously knew there was something improper going on. As someone who has been in a healthy, happy relationship, I know this is hard to accept but your wife is checking out of the marriage. Your sex life is a mirror to your relationship and if it is off without medical or aesthetic changes in your appearance, then your marriage is off too.

Sorry, man, I hate to break it to you but this isa wakeup call,

Grumps

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As the thread starter apparently left the building shortly after posting this, as a one post new member, we'll close this up pending their return. As always, the 'alert us' button is available should they desire further input. Thanks!

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