Stuck in the middle of hostile former marriage.

[Incindir]

Heya,

 

Not really sure what subforum to put this under so I'll just leave this here.

 

This situation is strange and would probably make for a good episode of Jerry Springer.

 

My current fiance` is divorced. Her ex is becoming increasingly hostile, manipulative, and has repeatedly attempted to set us up and get us in trouble with law enforcement. This man used to be my best friend, but I was forced to end our friendship because of his drug abuse problems (snorting painkillers). I don't know if he still is, but I don't want to have anything to do with him to find out either.

 

I'm not sure if I'm really looking for advice, more of just a way to vent some of my frustrations with dealing with him.

 

He hasn't worked in years. I even got him a couple of jobs, in which he subsequently got fired from for absenteeism, which looked bad on me after I vouched for him. I've bailed him out of bad situations in the past, dropping what I was doing to help, to spend entire weekends fixing some home maintenance disaster or moving them out of places on short notice.

 

He's got three kids with my fiance`, and is using custody and parenting times to make our lives as miserable as possible. His current girlfriend has threatened to inflict bodily harm to the both of us if we come near her property, yet he insists that we drop the kids off there every time it comes to make an exchange. Reason doesn't work. We've tried everything. It's literally come down to us having to make the exchanges at a police station because if we do it anywhere else he becomes violent and verbally abusive and makes a huge scene.

 

He's even gone so far as to accuse me of being a pervert and child molester. Even dragged the kids in to the doctors for humiliating examinations to determine if they actually were being sexually abused. Nothing came of it. Being accused of sexual child abuse is like a Salem Witch Dunking Test. Guilty until proven innocent. If you float, you're a witch and you burn at the stake. If you sink, you drown.

 

Any little bump, bruise, scratch, skinned knee, mosquito bite, or misplaced hair is tantamount to abuse and he constantly badgers the social workers and complains about how we're incompetent and neglectful.

 

This last week, he threw a huge fit about my fiance`s refusal to drop the kids off at his GF's house, called the police, the police told him to go get his kids. He argued with them and he nearly got arrested in the process. When he came to get them, he tried driving off with my fiance`s head still in the vehicle as she was buckling the 3yo into the child seat. All the while screaming obscenities at the top of his voice. Later we get a call from the social worker about bruises on the 3yo's neck, obviously from being choked by someone right-handed. He accused my fiance` of doing it. She's left-handed, not right-handed, and the marks don't fit her smaller hands.

 

I feel that this is spiraling out of control, and my worst fear is that it's going to end up as another one of those murder/suicides in the paper. I just don't want it to be me and my fiance they're writing obituaries for. The police have been about as useful as udders on a bull. We're exhausted. We're scared. And nobody with any authority or power seems to be listening to us or taking notice of this rapidly escalating situation.

 

Everyone I talk to is like: "He just needs a good beating.", "Break his kneecaps with a nine iron.", or some other senselessly violent and stupid remark made in jest.

 

It's easy to say things like that when it's not your reputation, freedom, or life at risk.

 

I really wish people would stop saying stuff like that, because if some unfortunate thing were to happen to him, they'd all be the first ones in line to point the finger at me.

 

I keep looking for that light at the end of the tunnel.

[atlg8r]

Have you tried talking to attorneys? It seems like 1) the threats would give you grounds for a restraining order or injunction and 2) the environment is not suitable for children thus maybe a judge would bar him from visitation or custody.

 

Just out of curiosity, if this guy used to be your friend and you're engaged to his ex-wife, how did that happen? Wouldn't justify his behavior, but I can understand why he'd be pissed that his former friend is marrying his ex-wife....

 

Other than legal options, I don't know there's much you can do. Obviously returning the violence would only worsen the problem.

[Eivuwan]

It doesn't seem like he's fit to be a parent if what you are saying is true. How about having your fiancee just get complete custody and have nothing else to do with him. Seems like a harsh thing to do the their father, but in this case, it might be necessary especially if he's abusing the children.

[Fluttershy]

I agree with others. Do some research and get a cut throat lawyer.

[ClemsonTigers]

I agree with others. Do some research and get a cut throat lawyer.

 

 

Yup…

 

 

read up on parallel parenting

 

Also, consider moving. Then you file for a modification seeking permission to relocate for a job or whatever. Xh will protest it but in most states if you follow the rules you should be able to relocate. Move far enough away that the Wed - Every Other Weekend standard visitation won't work and instead maybe you'll have to give him a couple extra weeks in the summer and more holiday time. The end result is the peace of mind that comes from having distance from this guy PLUS less actual exchanges where the likelihood of conflict arises most often. It'll also likely prove less rewarding to the XH (since he seems to enjoy this conflict) so maybe he'll even forego the longer visitations.

[LadyLee]

I am so sorry that you are going through this! My fiancé and I are on the tail end of something similar. Ours was a little less violent, only because we are all military. We have been in and out of court, I got a "no stalking" order because he was driving by the house. How do you prove that? I caught pics that were either unclear (caught on the fly), and not time stamped- thanks iPhone.

 

I have spent about $8,000 going back and forth to court fighting over custody of our four kids. And child support. It's been truly awful. And like you, I feel like nobody gets it. The hyper-sensitivity. The two older kids refuse to visit him, they had to take the stand as to which parent they wanted to live with. Like you, child protective services were involved. Truly horrible.

 

I don't even have any real advice. I prayed a lot, found some things about myself. I finally just stopped letting him manipulate our happiness. My fiancé has done the kid exchange in my place- much to his chargrin. We can only communicate through text. It's sad.

 

Attorneys do make a difference but be prepared for the fees. I cried over the last bill. (Sigh) I keep telling myself that he's gotta get bored w/ his behavior....and the kiddos suffer the most.

 

Lee

[Babolat]

I would love to hear how this is progressing as I am in the nascent stages of a relationship with a woman who has been dealing with an ex (no children) who has been harassing, stalking and spying on her ever since she kicked him out three years ago. It's gotten worse since we started seeing each other 5+ weeks ago. I don't know what to do, run, bail, get out, support her, what.

[mrs rubble]

I have been through pretty much the same, threats, accustions, Child services, police etc.

I know exactly how hard it is.

The best piece of advice I got throughout the whole saga was from my dad. "Worry only about what you can change."

Everytime I felt overwhelmed, frustrated or angry, I would ask myself if there was anything I could do to change what was happening. If I could, I did it. If I couldn't I made a consious effort to move my thoughts/ efforts to where they could be more constructive.

Good luck!!! Things do usually calm down as time goes by.

[amaysngrace]

Can't you file a lawsuit for slander since he's accusing you of being a child molester? That's a pretty strong allegation.

 

Get evidence on your phone whenever you have to exchange the children. Start recording before you get out of the car. You may not get the video but you'll have his voice recorded.

 

Fight fire with fire.

[Zippity-Doo-Dah]

You said he was at one time snorting painkillers. That means he is a hard core opiate addict and that does not come and go - he is on drugs and his brain is fried. Insist on drug testing FOR OPIATES before the kids are left with him. Random drug testing may or may not test for painkillers/opiates. Even if he has a legitimate prescription (which I doubt) if you can prove he is abusing them then end of story - deal over. No visitation and file for full custody.

 

FYI - opiate addicts have no ability to think rationally. They are paranoid and jealous. They create a reality in their head and then think the rest of the world should live in that reality. This I know first hand. Do not take the 'snorting painkillers' lightly. Get the kids away and don't underestimate the lengths he will go to to cover up what is going on. For an addict, self-preservation is the only goal. Want more info? - PM me.

[Babolat]

The best piece of advice I got throughout the whole saga was from my dad. "Worry only about what you can change."

 

Well said. This is exactly what the woman I am starting to date keeps telling me regarding her situation: she can't control it, she's doing what she can to take care of it now that she has legal "proof" and the courts involved. She's chosing to not obsess over it, rather focus on continuing to live her life as best she can while at the same time managing her crisis.