how do I get my wife to be sexy again?

[A1135]

So I am looking for advice from the brains trust here on LF.

 

How do I get my wife to be sexy again?

 

I am sure that this is a common problem, and linked with so many variables I know but looking for some suggestions because it’s driving me nuts.

 

Bit of Background we are both early 30’s married for 5yrs, together for 10, with a 2yr old child.

 

In the last few yrs my wife has lost all the sexiness she once had, no more lingerie, no more flirty texts or suggestive comments, no more revealing outfits, no more dressing up or strip dances in the bedroom, etc etc.

 

Sex has always been an issue with us, with her not wanting it as much, and me always being frustrated that it’s always on her terms.

 

I can rule out the following;

 

I do 80% of the housework

I do 60% of the cooking

We both look after our son and make sure that each of us has some “me” time

We also make sure we have couple time

I regularly tell her how beautiful or sexy I find her

*

 

I know it is probably due to the change of becoming a mother etc but it has to come back right?

 

I want her to get it back, in fact I want her to be even more sexual than she was before because in my eyes she gets better and better every day I just cant get her to realise or act it.

[hoping2heal]

What does she say when you communicate this message to her?

[Smilecharmer]

Are you making her feel sexy and rewarding her efforts when to she makes them? Is your relationship and marriage strong? Are you having minor arguments all the time that results in hurt feelings or angry fights?

[tbf]

Have a romantic weekend away. Getting her out of the home environment can help to release her inner tigress.

[A1135]

What does she say when you communicate this message to her?

 

A lot of the time she either dosent reapond or says something like really do you think so

[hoping2heal]

A lot of the time she either dosent reapond or says something like really do you think so

 

Really do you think so??

 

I'm confused. I meant have you communicated to her that you want her to be sexy again?

 

from what I can tell you deserve a husband award.

[A1135]

Are you making her feel sexy and rewarding her efforts when to she makes them? Is your relationship and marriage strong? Are you having minor arguments all the time that results in hurt feelings or angry fights?

 

Very much encouraging her, positive reinfocement for example when she started going to the gym and loosing the baby weight (her idea) I took her out to buy some new clothes and a bit of a new look. We have a strong relationship, biggest issue is when we are both tired. To a degree it might be better if there was some fighting more passion I guess

[A1135]

Have a romantic weekend away. Getting her out of the home environment can help to release her inner tigress.

 

Have tried this also, few wk ends away, time with no kids, even tropical holiday overseas

[A1135]

Really do you think so??

 

I'm confused. I meant have you communicated to her that you want her to be sexy again?

 

from what I can tell you deserve a husband award.

 

Haha I would love a husband award! We have talked about it no real answers its the same when we talk about lack of sex she acknowledges that its important but no real change or outcomes. Its just like she has lost that spark

[LittleTiger]

It sounds to me as though she was putting on a sexy act for you before the baby came along and now she just doesn't have the energy.

 

Sexiness comes from how someone feels on the inside and from how another person perceives them. I've been in my relationship for four and a half years and I've never done the 'sexy lingerie, flirty texts, revealing outfits or strip dances in the bedroom' thing - that just isn't me. I don't wear make-up, I live in jeans or walking trousers and icebreaker tops (technical sports wear) and I hardly ever dress up, but my guy thinks I'm the sexiest thing on the planet - and I agree with him!

 

I'd hazard a guess that your wife doesn't feel sexy because she's too busy being a Mum- and you don't see her as sexy because sexy to you means specific clothes and behaviours that she no longer has the time for.

 

I think you have a mismatch in your ideas about sexuality. If she's spent years 'playing' the sex kitten you wanted her to be, maybe now is the time to find out what makes 'her' feel sexy. If you've tried all the usual avenues, including an honest and open 'heart to heart', maybe you could visit a sex therapist together.

 

On the other hand it could just be 'the usual' loss of libido after the birth of a child - and you can't do much about hormones!

[Arieswoman]

A1135,

A 2 year-old child is very demanding. Maybe she's just tired.

 

Also after childbirth some women stop seeing themselves as a "wife" and see themselves as a "mother" and just don't feel sexy any more. You'll need to talk about this.

 

Or could she be having an early menopause? Maybe a trip to the doc's might help to get her hormone levels checked?

 

Good Luck

[freetolove]

you got to turn into a sexy man. meaning don't be so predictable (not in a bad way) but just do something different to get her juices flowing again. maybe go to a bar and flirt with a few people together.

[Radu]

A1135,

A 2 year-old child is very demanding. Maybe she's just tired.

 

Also after childbirth some women stop seeing themselves as a "wife" and see themselves as a "mother" and just don't feel sexy any more. You'll need to talk about this.

 

Or could she be having an early menopause? Maybe a trip to the doc's might help to get her hormone levels checked?

 

Good Luck

 

I suspect it's this one.

But i do have another option, though not as nice ... maybe she was sexy because she wanted a baby. Now that the baby is there, the need for sex [to have baby] is gone, so no more sexy.

You would probably know best which one it is [and what i suggest has low probability].

 

But one thing you should worry about is her dismissing attitude towards you, when you bring this up.

That should worry you a lot.

[Cpt]

Angry sex is your best choice my friend.

 

Piss your wife off, don't make her upset just piss her off and proceed to provoke her. You will get all the sex you want if you pull it off correctly. Good luck.

[JamesM]

A1135,

A 2 year-old child is very demanding. Maybe she's just tired.

 

Also after childbirth some women stop seeing themselves as a "wife" and see themselves as a "mother" and just don't feel sexy any more. You'll need to talk about this.

 

Or could she be having an early menopause? Maybe a trip to the doc's might help to get her hormone levels checked?

 

Good Luck

 

Ditto this too.

 

Children are tiring work. Sex falls much farther down the list for mothers.

 

When you are both single marrieds, then there is just the two of you. Walking around the house naked or in lingerie is an option. Being free sexually is an option.

 

Now it is much less of one. And as the child gets older, it will even be less of one.

 

I would doubt that it is early menopause.

 

As I like to say:

 

"This too shall pass."

 

Well, it should, or you will join the ranks of us in a sexless marriage.

[KathyM]

Starting a fight with her is not a good plan. Tell her you have a surprise for her, and then take her out on a shopping spree, including to a lingerie store, so you can give her your input into what you think she looks great in. Compliment her on how beautiful the clothes look on her. Be sexually playful with her, and give her phone calls and texts that are sexually playful. She's not going to ignore them. If she turns you down, then tell her how important it is to keep the physical connection alive in your marriage, and how you would like both of you to be working on this. If she is not receptive to this at all, then it's time to call a marriage therapist.

[oldshirt]

I haven't read all th other posts so forgive me if this has already been said.

 

The only way for her to get her sexy back is for YOU to get YOUR sexy back.

 

Women have what is called "reactive desire" You can look it up but in a nutshell it means that women play off of their men and respond to the state of their men.

 

That means if you are fat and ungroomed and lazy and just sitting on the couch eating Freetos, she is not going to dress up in lingerse and try to be alluring for you.

 

But if you are always dressed well, highly groomed and styled, are flirty and seductsve with her and are "The Man" in the home, in the workplace and in the community. She will step up to the plate to meet you.

 

Bottom line is YOU are responsible for how sexy your wife is. If you are sexy and desirable to the greater female populace, she will rise to the occasion. If you are a slob and insect, she will lower herself to your level.

 

Her sexiness depends on your desirability as a man.

[veritas lux mea]

I know this group of men who complain about their wives "letting themselves go" and they have to but somehow think it only goes one way. Sometimes they have gained even more weight! Get fit and get sexy. Wrap your arms around her and kiss her neck. If she pushes you off just keep doing it. Nothing makes me feel sexier than when my husband puts his hands on my waist and kisses me and tells me I smell good... No matter what I actually look like. Then I in turn like to make myself look sexier for him.

[tbf]

Women have what is called "reactive desire" You can look it up but in a nutshell it means that women play off of their men and respond to the state of their men.

This, this, this, so much this! While I don't agree that the OP's responsible for her desire, knowing how some women's attraction mechanisms work, can help.

 

My husband's a high testosterone, sexy man who's got a high sex drive. We've been together (not married the entire time) for over six years and have two young boys. But he hasn't stopped romancing and flirting with me where he's always in the mood. In doing so, I reciprocate in kind and feel sexy and beautiful.

[dichotomy]

What oldshirt said.

 

It is very likely Your wife wants to be sexy - just not for you right now.

 

Be the man your wife would have a torrid affair with..... and if she does not bite, well then you have still made yourself into a man another woman want would have a torrid relationship with (note I did not say cheat!). Its a mindset. You will feel better either way.

[Cpt]

Ditto this too.

 

Children are tiring work. Sex falls much farther down the list for mothers.

 

When you are both single marrieds, then there is just the two of you. Walking around the house naked or in lingerie is an option. Being free sexually is an option.

 

Now it is much less of one. And as the child gets older, it will even be less of one.

 

I would doubt that it is early menopause.

 

As I like to say:

 

"This too shall pass."

 

Well, it should, or you will join the ranks of us in a sexless marriage.

 

Really? I would have thought that as the child grew and less demanding, at least in areas that affect sexuality, that it would be the opposite?

[veritas lux mea]

Really? I would have thought that as the child grew and less demanding, at least in areas that affect sexuality, that it would be the opposite?

 

from my outside perspective as someone who as no kids but many many friends with children. Some things get easier for some people and some don't. I will use to different but both good parents as an example.

 

Parents 1: They both work and have just one child, age 7. She goes to school and daycare. She takes swimming off and on. She gets dressed on her own and feeds herself. They prepare the food but that isn't really extra work because they need to eat anyways. The parents have a system that works for them and unless job is stressful or the child is sick they seem to quite happy and in to each other.

 

Parents 2: Wife works part time and H works ft. They also just have one child who is 9. She is in school but mom is off in time they don't use a babysitter. They have her in piano, dance and soccer but these have changed a few times and they have added and taken things away. They do recitals and competitions. They do not want her missing out on any opportunities and have not been able to really weed things out. They often lament when she was younger and things were easier. And what they mean by easier is less extracurricular activities.

 

What I have observed is while a young child needs far more hands on (dressing, feeding, entertaining) sometimes older children are given more time consuming activities.

 

Another thing to note is that pregnancy is hard on a woman and so are sleepless nights. Getting the sexy back can be hard. And if she is a stay at home mom she is constantly having to cater to her child's needs. 2 year olds aren't known for entertaining themselves. That can be emotionally and physically exhausting I imagine.

[JamesM]

Really? I would have thought that as the child grew and less demanding, at least in areas that affect sexuality, that it would be the opposite?

 

As the child is more aware, the parents become more parents.

 

Striding through the house naked is never an option. Doing a strip tease in the bedroom is not really practical with teens hanging out nearby.

 

The "maintenance" demands are less, but the children are more aware. The role of parents is different and demanding in different ways. Not sure how to explain it. Maybe it will come to me later.

[A1135]

Some good ideas here.

Few things I can add we are not religious so that is not a factor. She doesn't seem to have any fantasies and dosent seem to think about sex much at all which isnt helping.

 

I can relate to the suggestions that it starts with me, I must admit I have been down a bit with work and havent been super positive or inspired. And not really feeling too sexy myself. So I am going to try that avenue and improve myself as atleast it is something I can control.

 

Keep the ideas comming though

[dichotomy]

Not commenting on any specifics of past few posts, but this is an interesting read on current studies on female sexuality and desire.

 

http://www.amazon.com/What-Do-Women-Want-Adventures/dp/0061906085/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1397686473&sr=8-1&keywords=the+science+of+female+desire