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Wife is allowing work to take over


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Me and my wife have two beautiful children. She is American and I am Canadian and she moved to Canada after we got pregnant and we lived there for about 2 years.

 

We were living in Canada where I was the main bread winner and worked all day. In the evening my wife would work a part time job from home and I would watch our first child, while she worked for maybe 2 hrs 4 nights a week.

 

I found it very stressful working as the bread winner and then coming home to watch the kids, especially because my wife refused to chip in for bills, etc because she said she was saving up for our first house (fair enough).

 

I'd come home to a sink filled with dishes, clothing not washed, a house in shambles. I don't think a wife should do all the domestic housework, but to be fair I was doing 90% of bringing in the money and to demonstrate how neglectful my wife can be she was adamant about breast feeding our son to the point where he ended up in a hospital for dehydration.

 

She would complain she hates doing the dishes and wanted a dishwasher, but refused to let me buy one. I often got the impression she was constantly on facebook and the internet during the day, mostly because she admitted to doing just that.

 

When friends came over they would comment on how slow she would move to feed the baby when he cried to be fed. The baby being underfed even caused him to lose weight in her care and when the pediatrician told her that as he got older she needed to be giving him meat to put on weight, she lied and never mentioned it to me. The doctor told me he was concerned and when I talked to her about it, she insisted he should be a vegetarian and I actually had to get her mother involved.

 

I was able to take the time off to be with my son and things generally operated well, except for the occasionally fight over dirty dishes or her trying to feed our son some vegetarian concoction he wouldn't eat (then she'd be upset with him).

 

After our second child we made the decision to move to the USA because of more opportunities for the children and because we agreed we would move to Florida because of the climate and wanting to be away from our families.

 

We decided right before the move and once my visa was approved that a move to the area where her parents were from would be easier after a job opportunity opened up with her previous employer.

 

I went from living in a city where I could walk around everywhere or take public transit to an isolated town in the NE USA that doesn't even have side walks in the planned community we are in. I find myself shut inside the home and left to the mercy of my wife coming home in order to go out, which we might do once a week on weekends.

 

My wife comes home from her job, eats in the kitchen alone and often goes upstairs to finish work or isolates herself from me and the kids. After about 2 months of bottling up my anger I told her I thought she was being a bad and neglectful parent/spouse.

 

I'm taking care of the kids 24/7, a hot meal is always waiting, and she's constantly off doing her own thing around the house and almost never with the kids or me. I told her she was selfish and not impressed with her behaviour lately.

 

My wife then told me she didn't love me the same anymore and that we needed marriage counselling. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. Through the fight it also came up that her mom had asked her if she was seeing anyone else. When I asked her what the heck that mean't she said she wasn't seeing anyone else, but that she sometimes does think about past men in her life and what would have been even though she told me all her previously relationships ended badly. When I asked why she wouldn't cheat she said because of the kids and didn't really mention anything about loving me. I felt really betrayed and ill and after talking we decided to shelve our issues for the evening after discussing marriage counselling options.

 

I spoke with her father and her parents have made the decision to uproot to Florida even though we just moved to this area to be near them. My wife is taking this extremely hard and she admits she has a penchant for over reacting. I can't help but feel a lot of this desire for counselling, isolating herself, etc is because they are moving away and she can't cope.

 

My father in law admitted that he feels 100% that's why she said what she did and advised she was always over dramatic and stubborn as a child and just needed time to chill out (oddly enough my mother in law said the same thing to my dad on my wedding night). My wife generally has a conflicted relationship with her family who often tell her to chill out or calm down, but more often than not our marriage wasn't drawn into their messy dynamic.

 

Lately my wife has rekindled a relationship with an old friend of the same sex. They suddenly decided they were going to meet every Sunday morning and hang out without fail like they did in the old dayd. When I told my wife I resented the fact she's able to make time for a friend (who she wants to plan a girl's weekend away with) and not her family my wife laughed it off initially, said she understands, but continues to meet with said friend, while neglecting to make time for me and her kids with the same cold logic.

 

I feel like my wife is on a huge power trip because she is now the main bread winner (she's admitted as much) and is now looking for revenge because she says she resented me while we were up in Canada, despite the fact she could and did go out and do things on her own rarely.

 

We talked things through, were intimate and things seemed to have improved. We've been trying harder to show we care and even planned a trip away in a few weeks just the two of us. I chalked it up to a stupid fight where mean things were said both ways.

 

This weekend my wife pulled the same garbage she always does. Went out with her friend, which resulted in her being pressed to continue working, which meant I was cooped up in the house with the kids all weekend. She tells me things like she wants me to go and find an activity or club to join but when I want to do simply things like take a walk for 30 min she doesn't give the opportunity to do so because she dumps the kids on me so she can work. She'll also say we'll do something together and then magically the time to do so disappears because of work (though she always has time for her buddy).

 

She also told me she no longer wanted to move to Florida and wanted to stay in this area for various reasons, even though her mother and father were leaving. When I told her I felt lied to, was miserable in this area, and that she did a complete 180 on me she shrugged it off and said that's just how she feels.

 

My wife is inherently a good and care person and loves the kids and loves me. The problem that I have is 1) I feel she is selfish and is putting the crap with he parents on me and our marriage 2) She allows work to consume her to the point where it is eating our marriage alive.

 

Case in point today she came home and isolated herself once again to work. I told her I understood she needs to work, but I feel like something is wrong with our marriage. She took the time to sit down with me for a few min, but when I asked her for 20 min or intimacy she agreed, then came back down 2 min later and asked if I would just lay in bed with her.

 

Although that's not what I wanted I did so in good faith, until she continued to work for another 5-10min (keep in mind it's 11pm at night). I laid there thoroughly disgusted before getting up a couple of minutes later. We both I a flat I love you and I went to sleep on the coach.

 

I'm wondering exactly what to do. My wife admits that work is consuming her and turning her into a destructive person when it comes to me and the kids. Her father told her she was trying to do too much at once (she's even doing the part time thing 2 nights a week, which causes even more time crunch issues).

 

She only seems remorseful for an evening and then her poor behavior creeps back out. I know people need to work, but working at 11pm in the bedroom is hogwash. If this was an occurrence every once in awhile I could get past it, but this time of work or die attitude has been going on for close to 4 months, with her friend being the only person penned in on her schedule.

 

I have 0 problems with her hanging out with friends, I just questioned why it had to be the same person, at the same time, on the same day every week when not even her family could get the same treatment.

 

I love my wife and know she loves me, I'm just not sure our marriage can survive her job which I'm pretty sure she is being over dramatic about because that's how she tackles most things in life. I'm also finding myself not trusting her in a lot of ways, which she says she understands. I don't think my wife is having an affair physically, but it's almost like she is having an emotional affair with her job and this other person she sees every week.

 

I'm getting to the point where I am tempted to get on with my life and find someone who isn't making me so depressed and melancholy. We both agreed that we are the ones for one another and we want to grow old together, but something is holding me back from slipping back into happy married life.

 

Now things seemed forced and like I am walking on egg shells. My confidence in us is now shaken and I'm wondering if this person who I thought I knew can be trusted to build a future with me.

 

I feel like my wife has changed since moving here and not for the best and now wants to act like she is single instead of married with 2 kids.

 

Can anyone offer any advice? Am I overreacting? I want to move past this without doing irreparable damage to my marriage, but feel like I don't have a partner to work with anymore.

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lucy_in_disguise

Why don't u look for a job? Seems like most of your issues are resulting from your wife bearing the entire financial burden for the family.

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I agree. Some women lose respect for men when they don't have a job. It seems your wife has lost respect for you. It isn't fair since you are taking care of the kids and the home. I think if you start working and the two of you hire outside help for the house and kids she may change her attitude knowing you aren't sitting around waiting on her all the time.

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Why don't u look for a job? Seems like most of your issues are resulting from your wife bearing the entire financial burden for the family.

 

I disagree - it wasn't the problem when he was working and she worked a few hours each night.

 

Are you doing counseling now?

 

I'd find out what is on her phone and computer - she may have interest in someone else - and don't be naive and rule out the woman she sees on the weekend.

 

Get busy looking to see what she says to others.

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I think you should look for a job. You do not seem cut out to be a stay-at-home parent. Start looking for a job & checking out the childcare options in your area. Once you are both working, you can sit down to talk about how to fairly share childrearing & housekeeping and carve out time for each other, the kids, and your own personal lives.

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Pencil a slot of time for you where she has to be present and available to have the children once a week. Even if you take a book and have a coffee somewhere. Start to assert yourself against the one-way flow where she gets options and leisure time and you don't. She won't like it but I don't think that's relevant.

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  • 2 weeks later...
I agree. Some women lose respect for men when they don't have a job. It seems your wife has lost respect for you. It isn't fair since you are taking care of the kids and the home. I think if you start working and the two of you hire outside help for the house and kids she may change her attitude knowing you aren't sitting around waiting on her all the time.

 

It's human nature. When you take certain things for granted, you lose respect for them. In every relationship, there must be balance. There will be periods when one person is perhaps 'dominant' or the 'leader' but it can't be one person all the time unless both people agree to it, and that set-up gets abused. Ask any woman who lived through the Victorian Era.

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I am disturbed that you believe she loves you and loves your children. This is not how one shows they love and care for others.

 

The problem is not her job - it's that she's selfish and somewhat lazy when it comes to her family. She malnourished your first child for God's sake. She's told you she doesn't love you the same anymore.

 

You can try counseling, but I doubt it will work because both individuals have to want the marriage to work, and she clearly doesn't care.

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