Need to Talk!

[Sandra_Dee]

My partner doesn't like to talk about anything personal. He says he was raised "English" meaning people are very polite and simply don't discuss anything harder than the weather. He also doesn't like to make plans (wrote about this before). He told me he prefers to simply be told what to do, but he tends to not like my suggestions.

 

I am open, candid, a storyteller, and a "collaborative leader" at work. To me a relationship is about being a team and making plans together and feeling close. Lately I feel like I have more intimate conversations with strangers than I do with him.

 

I try to model what I need or invite conversation it falls on dead ears. I tell him I'm frustrated and he gets defensive and anngry and it ruins the evening. I don't want a big blowup I just want to make plans for next weekend.

 

I get it, guys don't like to "talk about thier feelings" guys are "simple" and women have this horrible habit of trying to "change thier man".

 

But I am so frustrated. Women, how do you deal with this? Men, at what point do you decide those "need to talk" conversations are too much and you run off to find a woman who think a close relationship is sharing internet memes and talking about cute kittens? And do women like this really exist?

[newmoon]

just wanted to say that not all men are like this. I have a guy that won't let me alone with the feelings nonsense and constantly wants to 'bond' and talk and create 'emotional intimacy' with conversations. it becomes a bit too much for me. so some men can drag female partners down this same road. we've come to an understanding that we'll share stories from childhood or whatever to satisfy his need for this. so he tells me a childhood story and memory or whatever I then I have to do the same. simple stuff like that a partner shouldn't find taxing. or if you get them talking about a subject they really really love, that could be another way to 'reach' them

[Zimber]

just wanted to say that not all men are like this. I have a guy that won't let me alone with the feelings nonsense and constantly wants to 'bond' and talk and create 'emotional intimacy' with conversations. it becomes a bit too much for me. so some men can drag female partners down this same road. we've come to an understanding that we'll share stories from childhood or whatever to satisfy his need for this. so he tells me a childhood story and memory or whatever I then I have to do the same. simple stuff like that a partner shouldn't find taxing. or if you get them talking about a subject they really really love, that could be another way to 'reach' them

Gee, do I know you?

Funny, I represent the opposite (which you know as you responded to that thread). I think we can help each other.

There is a pretty good site I found with information on it about his very thing. ... What to do when he/she won?t talk to you. | Al Turtle's Relationship Wisdom and It is Not Fair! The Testicle Principle | Al Turtle's Relationship Wisdom

Eventually, the site leads to a cash grab, but the content and insights are quite good and maybe the author is book worthy, I'll likely buy it.

 

Sandra, I get the exact same thing. "Didn't communicate in our family". If I push even so gently, you can see them withdraw. She's got a handful of excuses, most of them never answering the question. Just canned evasions. The bottom line is that your emotional needs are not being met and you're getting lonely as a result. Wanna switch? Just kidding

 

Read the articles, especially the first. I don't ruin evenings by pushing too hard, I've learned that just makes things worse. Consider the communication tips like never asking a question. Its tough once you're already frustrated though.

 

Z

[d0nnivain]

I got him to listen. Then I ask Qs. He's never going to voluntarily talk / share but this is better than nothing / silence.

[oldshirt]

The issue here isn't really lack of discussion about feelings, that's a red herring.

 

Deep down you don't really give a crap about his feelings and like New moon said, you'd quickly get disgusted and turned off if he did talk about feelings.

 

What you are craving is leadership. You have a deep, innate need to see him be in touch with the world around and be able to make plans for r dealing with what the world throws at you and to be able to plot a course to a better life and for him to have the competence and strength to make it happen.

 

A man who can't (or won't) make a stand, make plans, make decisions and have the strength to make things happen is simply not attractive and not desirable to women. A man that wants sit there and has to be told what to do is as unattractive to a woman as a fat, unkempt woman is to a man.

 

At this point you don't even want to hear his feelings, you want him to make some decisions and do something.

 

The problem is, I don't know what you can do about it. Are you still having sex with him or have you lost so much attraction for him that you are no longer sexually active with him?

 

Probably the only thing that will get his attention and make him step up to the plate is if you can get him to understand that respect and admiration are a huge part of a woman's desire and that you can't respect him if he doesn't show some initiative, leadership, decisiveness and be a proactive force in your lives.

[Sandra_Dee]

Zimber- thanks for the articles. I'm curious how things have gone for you since reading the articles? Regarding the first, I am known for my patience, so I don't think that's been a problem. I mean, this have been a mild concern I've been working on for over a year. I do have limits though! It would be helpful to figure out how to be patient again after I've grown impatient about something. I guess patience Is always important to practice, buy how? Would like to work on that.

The second article was interesting. I am the avoider in our relationship, and he is the clinger. I can't walk to a different room in the house without him following me! And so many times I freeze up. This is something I've been in therapy for for years and years. The freezing is a reaction that only prolongs an issue and doesn't really help anything. Now I am trying to look at him as being an avoider as well. We can both be different roles at Different times. He doesn't freeze like I do, but he does get stuck and refuse to move farther in certain conversations. Thinking about it in this way made me more compassionate.

 

Old shirt- You add interesting insight here. You are right about attraction in that I do find confidence and power sexy. However, I would find a decisive man's man repulsive. I spent nearly all of my adult life single and alone and am used to being independent. To the extent that back when we were dating my bf actually pointed out that men find woman who need them more attractive and that my doing everything myself was a turn off. I've made a point to ask him to help me with things. I don't want him to make any decisions. I spent a lifetime simply doing what I want when I want, and now the decision-making process is so much slower! It doesn't make sense for me to do things like buy a house or travel Europe without his input, and isn't very pro-relationship. If we both made decisions independently of each other then we'd be nothing more than roommates with benefits.

[Got it]

My partner doesn't like to talk about anything personal. He says he was raised "English" meaning people are very polite and simply don't discuss anything harder than the weather. He also doesn't like to make plans (wrote about this before). He told me he prefers to simply be told what to do, but he tends to not like my suggestions.

 

I am open, candid, a storyteller, and a "collaborative leader" at work. To me a relationship is about being a team and making plans together and feeling close. Lately I feel like I have more intimate conversations with strangers than I do with him.

 

I try to model what I need or invite conversation it falls on dead ears. I tell him I'm frustrated and he gets defensive and anngry and it ruins the evening. I don't want a big blowup I just want to make plans for next weekend.

 

I get it, guys don't like to "talk about thier feelings" guys are "simple" and women have this horrible habit of trying to "change thier man".

 

But I am so frustrated. Women, how do you deal with this? Men, at what point do you decide those "need to talk" conversations are too much and you run off to find a woman who think a close relationship is sharing internet memes and talking about cute kittens? And do women like this really exist?

 

Since he is "English".

 

Bullocks.