Just got married...hate it

[H8beingaMRS]

Hi, I really just need to vent to a community of some sort and can't really talk to anyone I know without hurting them and hurting my husband.

 

Yesterday marked our four month anniversary. I had cold feet before the wedding but shook it off as just that. Well, he planned our honeymoon and it was terrible. Due to poor planning, everything that could go wrong went horribly wrong. We've never bounced back.

 

On the days we're not arguing we barely speak to each other or even acknowledge each other's existence. We work opposite schedules, so we don't see each other much, but neither of us is very excited to see the other come home.

 

We have only had sex maybe ten times since we've been married. He complains the whole time that whatever position hurts his knees or his wrists. He has never reached climax with me even though I have done what I can to seduce him and when not turned down, I'm very accommodating and open minded. At first I just thought we had to get used to each other. Now, it's difficult to not blame myself.

 

Tonight, we are sleeping in separate rooms...an at least once weekly occurrence. I got home from work at nearly midnight and nothing was done around the house as per usual. I told him we needed to figure out a different living situation.

 

As a side note: we did everything right....we were friends a long time before dating, didn't jump into it then. We had both been in bad relationships and are older so we knew what to be careful of. We went to premarital counseling and talked about everything before walking down the aisle. Did not have a big wedding...didn't want one at all, so it was not "all about the wedding and not the marriage".

 

Why has this gone so terribly wrong?

 

Meredith

[CarrieT]

Why has this gone so terribly wrong?

You had cold feet for a reason and didn't listen to your gut...

 

Time to have a heart-to-heart with your husband and determine if he wants to fix it. If not, it may be early enough that you can have the marriage annulled.

[H8beingaMRS]

Thanks CarrieT. Ours doesn't qualify as an anullment in our state.

 

I am a very cautious/nervous/anxious/non-committal person so I just thought the cold feet were because of that.

 

He was so nice and caring and thoughtful when we were dating and before that when we were just friends. Now he's just a big pile of lazy and when I call him on it he pouts like a little child. He said he would get more done around the house if I made him a list. After some discussions with his mother, I found out this is what she did for him while he was growing up....my mom taught me how to think for myself and take initiative. I seriously feel like I'm in a parent-child relationship rather than an adult partnership.

[TaraMaiden]

Consider three things:

 

Do you really, really want to make an effort to save this marriage now you're in it?

Does he?

Are the desires to make the effort, equal?

 

If the answer to any of these is 'no', you should agree to separate, but at least attend a couple of M.Counselling meetings together first, in order to find a level playing field and get on the same page.

 

if this all just seems to much to bother with, then you have your answer.

 

So?

 

leave.

[gaius]

Does he work? You're the main provider and he does the housework? That's humiliating to a guy. Often it can make him resentful and not want to have sex. Not to mention passive aggressive to punish you for the crime of taking the man's role that should be his.

[TaraMaiden]

gaius, honey, don't talk bull.

This is 2014, not 1814.....

[gaius]

gaius, honey, don't talk bull.

This is 2014, not 1814.....

I'm telling you Tara that's what still happens. The more things change......

 

Gender differences and self-esteem: New research shows that men feel insecure when their partners succeed, but women don't.

 

Ryan Phillipe can just dump Reese Witherspoon because he has his own money but if H8 is the provider now this guys stuck at home just trying to make her miserable.

[TaraMaiden]

Well then HE'S the one with the problem, not her.

 

She would be within her rights to kick him to the kerb. He's useless AND resentful.

[gaius]

Well then HE'S the one with the problem, not her.

 

She would be within her rights to kick him to the kerb. He's useless AND resentful.

In that we couldn't agree more. And avoid that dynamic in the future.

[GoreSP]

OP, was all of this going on before you got married?

[H8beingaMRS]

Good morning all,

 

Gaius, he actually is the main provider but works a schedule that usually allows him to be off by 7pm at the latest. I work a schedule that has me getting home around midnight sometimes and earlier other times. I do what I can around the house before or after work depending on my schedule whereas he just seems to get to relax when he gets home. The other day he asked me to wash his white clothes because he was out of undershirts. The previous two days he had gotten off at 5. I asked him why he hadn't done so when he had the time and knew he was running low. He said he had been too tired....like I'm not tired?! It took everything in me not to throw a red sock in with his undies.

 

To answer everyone else. There were no warning signs of this prior to the wedding. Because of my past relationships, I was very cautious and looked for red flags but did not see any. I want to make this work, but I'm already weary and discouraged. I told him a couple weeks ago that I thought we should see a counselor and he said he didn't think we were at the point of needing one yet...immediately shut down the conversation, so I haven't brought it up since. I'm afraid that the damage is already done, but I don't want to be the person who divorces after 4 months. I have nowhere to go if we do. I can't afford to live on my own, and my parents don't believe in divorce, so they would not let me come there to get back on my feet. I have been looking for higher paying jobs, so that this won't be an issue, but the job market here sucks.

[Discjockey80]

It indicates in the OP's post that they do indeed both work but they work opposite schedules.

 

 

In relation to the other comments though, I don't care if its 1814 or 2014, we are still created a certain way and eventually the woman working and man staying home has a negative effect on a healthy male-female relationship dynamic.

 

 

The female's natural desire for a man that can provide is grieved and sometimes has disastrous results. Ultimately, its hard for a man to feel the confidence to lead and dominate the household (as all women want to a certain extent deep down sooner or later) when he stays home and his wife walks home with a paycheck each day as he produces nothing.

 

 

Its becoming more and more clear that feminization has done nothing positive for relationships, especially marriage, between men and women.

 

 

Sorry if that reality sucks but just look at the number of posts here on LS where the guy has just kicked back and the wife feels that she overpowers him.

 

 

Back to the OP's issue though...I wonder, have the two of you sat down and really talked about what else may be causing so much tension? I wonder if your opposite schedules cause you to not spend enough time together? It's not a good sign that you had cold feet before the marriage.

[H8beingaMRS]

Its becoming more and more clear that feminization has done nothing positive for relationships, especially marriage, between men and women.

 

Can we please stay on topic and not bash women for having jobs. The future is here, we are keeping our jobs. Get used to it.

 

In response to your one on-topic paragraph, I have tried discussing with him what underlying issues there may be. He seems to think there is no problem. Also, he is a manager yet lets his assistant manager make the schedule. I suggested he take the task back so that we can have some similar days off, etc but he lied and said he would and the asst is still doing it. Now he's put in for a transfer to a larger branch where he won't have control over his schedule at all.

Edited February 6, 2014 by H8beingaMRS
Misspelled a word

[BeingMe]

He sounds passive aggressive to me. If he is?....Get out while you can.

 

Certainly he's showing signs of procrastination, learned helplessness, withdrawal of sex, putting the spouse in a codependent/paternal role (P/A like to passively rebel like a teen).

 

Does he get angry?

[Keenly]

I love the whole " don't believe in divorce " view. Its a recipe for disaster, and an abusers wet dream.

 

 

But anyway... you say one night he asked you to wash his clothes, and you also day that there were never any signs of this dynamic before the marriage.

 

But I have a feeling you have been doing things like washing his clothes ( even with your busy schedule ) before the marriage.

 

You are in the situation , not me, so I ask you honestly... did anything even change ? Did you always behave like this ? Was the dynamic always this way and you just never saw it for what it was ?

[Fluttershy]

For most people the lack of "quality time" can be a deathwish in a marriage. That quality time of a honeymoon was ruined. Honestly I never understood the man planning the honeymoon solely. In my demogrpahic we don't have that tradition. H and I planned ours together for both of us.

 

Some things to consider:

 

Make the list. Just because you are a self motivated person doesn't mean he is. Some people need a schedule and chorse list. I work well of a list. I make my own but my H does add things to it. I love checking things off and when he adds thigs it reminds me of important stuff he wants done. I think perhaps you are judgeing him more harshly and he can feel it.

 

Fightig can be good. Keep the name calling out and stay rational but in the laundry instance you clammed up. You should have told him that you are tored after getting off so late too and reminded him of that. Perhaps a list of shared chores while your schedules conflict would be a good idea.

 

Get "the five love languages" by garry chapman. Read it and tell him he needs to read i because your marriage is in trouble. Be sure to tell him your marriage is in trouble. Not during a fight when emotions are high but during a "good" time

 

When you first move in with someone and ai am thinking that is your case there can be a huge adjustment period. It takes time and conflicing schedules don't help. I know of a couple who sacrificed time together for money and after a year their marriage was over but then they got back together and dis things different.

[janedoe67]

Does he work? You're the main provider and he does the housework? That's humiliating to a guy. Often it can make him resentful and not want to have sex. Not to mention passive aggressive to punish you for the crime of taking the man's role that should be his.

 

If this is the case the solution is to get off his butt and find a job, not punish his wife.

[H8beingaMRS]

BeingMe, no he doesn't get angry. It's kinda weird though. Even when he should get angry or even slightly upset he stays even tempered. I guess that's a good thing going for him though. I'm the one who gets more angry. I am generally even tempered and don't let things get my feathers ruffled, but I get so frustrated at the increasing lack of respect that sometimes I feel the only way I'll be heard is if I yell about something. It's not something I'm proud of and I'm sure he'd have his own things to say about that. But I feel like to really answer your question I'll go ahead and say no, things never get physical on either side. Just words.

 

Keenly, I do like to help people and sometimes people take advantage of that. I did help him out sometimes before we were married, but not frequently enough for him to begin expecting that (IMO at least). I felt like when I helped him it was because we were moving, so I did go to his old apartment sometimes after work to get things packed and cleaned up. Then when we moved into our new apartment I would of course be here unpacking and stuff when I had free time. I know with no doubt that the boxes would've stayed packed 6 months or longer if I had left it up to him. But with that said, I don't feel like me doing his laundry or other stereotypical "wifely duties" were frequent enough for him to come to expect it.

[somedude81]

Good morning all,

 

Gaius, he actually is the main provider but works a schedule that usually allows him to be off by 7pm at the latest. I work a schedule that has me getting home around midnight sometimes and earlier other times.

How necessary is it for you to continue working?

 

If he is the main provider, could you look for a different job that matches his schedule, or get your hours changed?

[soccerrprp]

BeingMe, no he doesn't get angry. It's kinda weird though. Even when he should get angry or even slightly upset he stays even tempered. I guess that's a good thing going for him though. I'm the one who gets more angry. I am generally even tempered and don't let things get my feathers ruffled, but I get so frustrated at the increasing lack of respect that sometimes I feel the only way I'll be heard is if I yell about something. It's not something I'm proud of and I'm sure he'd have his own things to say about that. But I feel like to really answer your question I'll go ahead and say no, things never get physical on either side. Just words.

 

Silently but deadly...so to speak. Passive aggressive people are like this. Not violent (for now)- good. Does not express himself honestly, appropriately, bottles things up and stews over issues- not good.

 

Keenly, I do like to help people and sometimes people take advantage of that. I did help him out sometimes before we were married, but not frequently enough for him to begin expecting that (IMO at least). I felt like when I helped him it was because we were moving, so I did go to his old apartment sometimes after work to get things packed and cleaned up. Then when we moved into our new apartment I would of course be here unpacking and stuff when I had free time. I know with no doubt that the boxes would've stayed packed 6 months or longer if I had left it up to him. But with that said, I don't feel like me doing his laundry or other stereotypical "wifely duties" were frequent enough for him to come to expect it.

 

Your cold feet was an indication that there were some unresolved issues. You now see, fully exposed, some or all of those issues. Yeah, talk about counseling, but if either of you balk, it is pending doom.

 

I'm curious...how long did you date as a couple and how often/frequently did you see each other? How long did you live together before the wedding?

[H8beingaMRS]

For most people the lack of "quality time" can be a deathwish in a marriage. That quality time of a honeymoon was ruined. Honestly I never understood the man planning the honeymoon solely. In my demogrpahic we don't have that tradition. H and I planned ours together for both of us.

 

Some things to consider:

 

Make the list. Just because you are a self motivated person doesn't mean he is. Some people need a schedule and chorse list. I work well of a list. I make my own but my H does add things to it. I love checking things off and when he adds thigs it reminds me of important stuff he wants done. I think perhaps you are judgeing him more harshly and he can feel it.

 

Fightig can be good. Keep the name calling out and stay rational but in the laundry instance you clammed up. You should have told him that you are tored after getting off so late too and reminded him of that. Perhaps a list of shared chores while your schedules conflict would be a good idea.

 

Get "the five love languages" by garry chapman. Read it and tell him he needs to read i because your marriage is in trouble. Be sure to tell him your marriage is in trouble. Not during a fight when emotions are high but during a "good" time

 

When you first move in with someone and ai am thinking that is your case there can be a huge adjustment period. It takes time and conflicing schedules don't help. I know of a couple who sacrificed time together for money and after a year their marriage was over but then they got back together and dis things different.

 

Thank you.

 

He planned the honeymoon because I planned the wedding and no one helped me do that, so I was stressed out from that and he said not to worry about the honeymoon that he would have it handled. So, whether they're founded or not, I resent him because I planned a beautiful wedding that went off without a hitch and he "planned" a honeymoon that could've been good but sucked because all he planned was flights (24 hours of travel each way) and accommodations (an apt we had to carry our luggage up 7 flights of stairs to get to and no shower)

and nothing else.

 

We actually had to read the 5 love languages for our premarital counseling. We are both very high in quality time, so we all see what's going on there. He is really high in physical touch yet never wants to touch me. I am very low in physical touch but try to do it more since it is supposedly important to him. I am really high in gifts, he is the lowest in that category. I remind him of these sometimes but especially with gifts it doesn't feel the same if you have to ask for it. He knows that's my "love language" and never does anything for me. I guess he thinks because he pays for groceries, I don't deserve any other gifts?

[Eau Claire]

So why stay together? You don't believe in divorce. Nothing is going to get better...then suck it up.

 

Break up after 4 months or 4 years. Your choice to be miserable or not.

[H8beingaMRS]

I never said I don't believe in divorce. I said my PARENTS don't, therefore I would not have a place to go if I were to separate from him. Thus, making my decision harder and forcing me to stay until I can better my own personal situation. So to answer another question, yes I have to work. I am paying off my own student loans with what I make. We could live on his salary alone but it would be tight and don't wanna add money conflict to everything else.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

Does he work? You're the main provider and he does the housework? That's humiliating to a guy. Often it can make him resentful and not want to have sex. Not to mention passive aggressive to punish you for the crime of taking the man's role that should be his.

 

She said he works opposite shift from her. By your standards, she is to do all of the housework and provide an income too? What does HE do? Sit on his ass and get waited on like a king?

 

This is the 21st Century. Housework is NOT just for the woman to do. If a man is not going to have sex over that bull****, then he needs his head examined.

 

Man's role>? Um...okay. Please go back to the 50's, they are wondering where you went.

[Eau Claire]

I never said I don't believe in divorce. I said my PARENTS don't, therefore I would not have a place to go if I were to separate from him. Thus, making my decision harder and forcing me to stay until I can better my own personal situation. So to answer another question, yes I have to work. I am paying off my own student loans with what I make. We could live on his salary alone but it would be tight and don't wanna add money conflict to everything else.

 

You know it isn't going to work but keep coming up with reasons not to move on.

 

Why do you bring up your parents...student loans...tens of million have lived quite fine on their own with student loans. Nothing is 'forcing' you to stay but a lack of resolve to get on with your life.