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Husbands Mental Health


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I've had some concerns over my Husbands mental health. He seems to get angry easily over everything. At first, it was just stuff at home but he seems to lose his cool at work too.

 

The things I witness at home is:

 

 

  • getting upset over not being able to open something
  • cursing at inanimate objects for not doing what he wanted it to do
  • upset because he has to get out of bed

etc.

 

These are not normally concerning for me because they are things he's always done since I've known him. He's usually immature acting like this at home but more reserved and mature at work. Lately though, he's been losing his temper easily over people or random things. He recently punched a door hard enough to cause swelling in his hand.

 

He also tells me about co-workers overhearing him talk to himself. He's done this at home and some things he says are unsettling. I've talked to him about it before and he just tells me he's "pretending". He's admitted to hearing voices and then tells me he just said that to freak me out.

 

He gets upset at customers who cause trouble (stealing, causing a scene, etc.) and later tells me that he would like to harm them physically. He sometimes goes into detail about it but then says he would never do it.

 

Today, he said if he ever ran into someone that fired him from his last job, that he would "cut him open and pull out his insides". He's in a bad mood today since he woke up.

 

I asked him why he always talk about these things (it's usually 3+ times a week) and he just snapped and told me to not "analyze" him today. I told him I was sorry and didn't mean to upset him and now he's curled up into a ball on the couch not speaking to me.

 

He does see a therapist every three months and gets medication for anxiety and sleeping but will take more than prescribed.

 

I'm freaked out about this and it seems to get worse. I don't like him talking like this in front of our two year old for obvious reasons.

 

I would love to have your opinions, especially from a Man's point-of-view.

 

Am I being overly concerned about this behavior?

Edited by winterpast
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I think it might wise, prudent to speak with your family physician or a qualified mental health professional.

 

To me, it does sound rather a little more than just unresolved or mismanaged anger/rage. Once every three months is NOT therapy in any sense of the intention, process of therapy. However, I'd be inclined to discuss all with a qualified professional before deciding on anything further.

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First thing I'd do is work to rule out physical/organic causes. High blood pressure, diabetes, thyroid (often overlooked in men!), testosterone levels, etc. His PCP will be the point person for that.

 

Does he ever talk to the voices he says he hears in front of you? Auditory hallucinations are an important sign of brain issues.

 

How long has he been going to a therapist? Any interim talk therapy at all?

 

Have you met his family and, if so, what is your impression of them and their interactions with him?

 

My main experience has been with diagnosed paraphrenia with psychosis, a bit more encompassing than what you're dealing with. However, the diagnostic processes can be similar even for a less debilitating illness or malaise. Work the organic stuff first, then move on into the psychological.

 

As an example of something people might overlook, in my profession I work with toxic chemicals and gases and exposure *can* have debilitating effects on the brain and body. However, if such environmental factors are overlooked, they are never considered nor addressed. Rinse and repeat as appropriate.

 

Something's up. It's been going on for awhile. He knows. Hard for the organ affected to work the problem. That's why there are brain professionals. Good luck.

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First thing I'd do is work to rule out physical/organic causes. High blood pressure, diabetes, thyroid (often overlooked in men!), testosterone levels, etc. His PCP will be the point person for that. He's had several health issues and is on several medications. He also takes alot of over the counter medications and excessive amounts of various vitamins and supplements.

 

Does he ever talk to the voices he says he hears in front of you? Auditory hallucinations are an important sign of brain issues.

He tells me about "hearing voices" and finds it surprising that I don't experience the same. However, he is a very sarcastic person, according to him 90% of the time he's not really that serious about whatever he says. He thinks I should be able to tell the difference between a sarcastic remark that is meant to get a rise out of me and a normal one. So because of that, I don't know if the voices really exists or he is just telling me this to get a reaction.

 

How long has he been going to a therapist? Any interim talk therapy at all? He's been seeing this one for about 2-3 years. He specifically wanted this one because she can prescribe medication. He refused to see one otherwise. He believes he can just take a pill to tolerate life and not have to change himself. Their talk sessions last anywhere from 15-30 minutes and she writes a script for whatever ailments he complains of. He say her once a month for a few sessions and then went to the 3 month plan. I'm not sure if he really tells her everything or the truth. He mostly complains about how others treats him. He is taking Xanax now.

Have you met his family and, if so, what is your impression of them and their interactions with him?

Yes, I have known them for 11 years now (ever since we started dating). He was adopted and therefore has no family medical history. As far as interactions, they are very judgemental people that believe they are always right and everyone else is wrong. They treat him like that black sheep because he never lived his life they wanted him to live (i.e. become a famous and rich doctor instead of a Store manager). They often pick fights when they don't get their way.

 

My main experience has been with diagnosed paraphrenia with psychosis, a bit more encompassing than what you're dealing with. However, the diagnostic processes can be similar even for a less debilitating illness or malaise. Work the organic stuff first, then move on into the psychological.

 

As an example of something people might overlook, in my profession I work with toxic chemicals and gases and exposure *can* have debilitating effects on the brain and body. However, if such environmental factors are overlooked, they are never considered nor addressed. Rinse and repeat as appropriate.

 

Something's up. It's been going on for awhile. He knows. Hard for the organ affected to work the problem. That's why there are brain professionals. Good luck.

 

I'm really concerned about the increase of aggressive behavior. His constant anger and always talking about physically harming someone. It seems like he fantasizes about it. Sometimes he gets angry that he can't get "revenge" on people from the past (i.e. kill them and their families).

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I would seek further help for him. The complaining and grumbling is fairly normal but the wanting to harm others is not. Does he feel that everyone is out to get him? The voices is something that you need to establish if he is really hearing them. Does he crave more attention than usual?

 

And how is he with his child?

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I'm really concerned about the increase of aggressive behavior. His constant anger and always talking about physically harming someone. It seems like he fantasizes about it. Sometimes he gets angry that he can't get "revenge" on people from the past (i.e. kill them and their families).

Thanks for the response. How old is he?

 

If the therapist can rx, then they are a medical doctor. I'd have an independent third party medical doctor review his meds. Meds, and especially known or incidental cocktails of them, can cause unexpected results, including induced agitation and psychosis.

 

I recall, when caregiving, my mom would be actively yelling at the other 'people' in the room (no one there) and then look over at me, her son, and smirk. I could handle it, and her other abuses, because I knew she'd be mortified if she was aware of the person she had become. In essence, I learned to not take it personally. Unfortunately, my exW never did learn and it got to her and was a significant issue in the downfall of our M.

 

What I'm hearing is what I call 'loss of filters'. Your H is acting out more and more elemental emotions without any behavioral processing. In situations like this a CT or MRI would sure be nice, if nothing else as a baseline image of the brain structure.

 

Lastly, seek out support for yourself. This kind of stuff will wear you down. I called my version 'caregiver crazy'. You're not alone. Good luck.

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I would seek further help for him. The complaining and grumbling is fairly normal but the wanting to harm others is not.

Does he feel that everyone is out to get him?

Seems that way by his actions.

 

The voices is something that you need to establish if he is really hearing them.

 

Does he crave more attention than usual?

Not really anymore than usual. He follows me around the house on days when he acts like this and not so much on the more normal days.

And how is he with his child?

Very loving

 

Hope this helps.

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Thanks for the response. How old is he?

 

If the therapist can rx, then they are a medical doctor. I'd have an independent third party medical doctor review his meds. Meds, and especially known or incidental cocktails of them, can cause unexpected results, including induced agitation and psychosis.

 

I recall, when caregiving, my mom would be actively yelling at the other 'people' in the room (no one there) and then look over at me, her son, and smirk. I could handle it, and her other abuses, because I knew she'd be mortified if she was aware of the person she had become. In essence, I learned to not take it personally. Unfortunately, my exW never did learn and it got to her and was a significant issue in the downfall of our M.

 

What I'm hearing is what I call 'loss of filters'. Your H is acting out more and more elemental emotions without any behavioral processing. In situations like this a CT or MRI would sure be nice, if nothing else as a baseline image of the brain structure.

 

Lastly, seek out support for yourself. This kind of stuff will wear you down. I called my version 'caregiver crazy'. You're not alone. Good luck.

 

He is about to turn 31. I feel like I get whiplash with his emotions. He's been trying to get a fight out of me all day. Earlier, after he told our Son to behave, he said to him "we may be dumb but you have to listen to us because we are bigger than you" then he looked at me waiting on a response. I didn't say anything because I have been trying to avoid any arguments and he walked off upset and said "whatever".

 

He is just full of hate and for some reason is trying to take it out on me.

 

I know he needs another doctor to check on these meds but he won't do it. He doesn't want to give any of them up.

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I think it is obvious that he needs some sort of serious intervention. If he's overdosing on medication, that could also have unintended side effects. Honestly, this is the level of severity that would make me want to put him in inpatient care for awhile until he stabilizes. This is not normal at all.

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He is about to turn 31. I feel like I get whiplash with his emotions. He's been trying to get a fight out of me all day. Earlier, after he told our Son to behave, he said to him "we may be dumb but you have to listen to us because we are bigger than you" then he looked at me waiting on a response. I didn't say anything because I have been trying to avoid any arguments and he walked off upset and said "whatever".

 

He is just full of hate and for some reason is trying to take it out on me.

 

I know he needs another doctor to check on these meds but he won't do it. He doesn't want to give any of them up.

 

Now I am worried about the safety of you and your son. If he won't get help, I think you should prioritize your son. He has began turning his anger at others onto the easiest targets, you and your son.

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Now I am worried about the safety of you and your son. If he won't get help, I think you should prioritize your son. He has began turning his anger at others onto the easiest targets, you and your son.

 

I have the same worry...

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Not pretty but I used legitimate reasons, even if from psychotic basis, to document medical condition and observed actions so a foundation for 'danger to self or others' could be established with first responders. Hence, if there were 'trespassers', the sheriff took a report and observed. If there was an injury which was questionable, the paramedics documented. I didn't like doing that but felt it necessary due to the combative nature of the process. Your H can easily harm or kill people if things go sideways and your warnings are already there. It might not ever happen. Let's hope that it doesn't.

 

Hope for the best and plan for the rest.

 

Any possibility that he's 'self-medicating'? Also, if he's not taking Xanax as rx'd, that med can create marked potential for agitation and irritability, most markedly if he goes 'on' and 'off' it or takes dosages beyond what is rx'd. Benzos can be tricky.

 

No easy answers here. There's only so much you can do. IMO, the more people you connect with who have experienced similar issues, the more opportunities for support and possible understanding and solutions.

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I have the same worry...

 

You need to have a plan set up. For example, I will go to my parents' house if I feel threatened etc. Start thinking of places you can go to on a short notice. Check out the women's shelters nearby. When your husband is in a calmer state you might want to discuss your concerns with him. Like, "I know you are very stressed out lately, but some of your behaviors has me very worried. Sometimes I am worried about the safety of me and the kid. Are you willing to receive some help for these problems?" If he refuses or if you think even bringing this up could set him off, I think you need to reconsider how long you can stay in this home and this marriage.

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Most of the night I tried to stay out of his way. I just let him be. Then he kept asking questions as to why I'm ignoring him. I told him that I was answering him when he asked benign questions and tried to avoid him when he would ask questions that were meant to start a fight.

 

He said he didn't understand why I was being this way and I explained how his behavior looked on the outside and how much his violent talk scared me. He got offended that I was even scared of him and said he would never hurt me or our son. He said that he's never laid a finger on me and that should prove that he wouldn't hurt me.

 

I explained that I felt like he was trying to pick a fight and reminded him the statement he made to our son and walking off mad when I didn't give a reaction. He said he doesn't remember that ever happened and I much have remembered wrong.

 

After thirty minutes of me trying to explain my feelings, he just turned it around and blasted me of all the wrong doings I've done in the past. He also started to repeat things I told him he did today and said I was the one doing those things.

 

I wish I could put up camera in the house so he could see it for himself. About eight years ago when he would wake up at 5am for work, he would spend about 45 minutes yelling and screaming in the floor. He would saying things like "whore" and just wail. I finally videotaped it and showed it to him one day. It freaked him out and he said he didn't remember it but he also never did it again after that.

 

I'm very confused about whether this is an illness or him trying to get a rise out of me. The reason I'm not sure is because he waives it off like he was just playing around.

 

Last night he also said that he would describe himself as "callous, jaded and sarcastic".

 

I've decided to keep a journal to keep up with all this. He went to his "therapist" today and we haven't see each other. I may be making plans for a separation soon if we can't get to some sort of understanding and he gets help.

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Most of the night I tried to stay out of his way. I just let him be. Then he kept asking questions as to why I'm ignoring him. I told him that I was answering him when he asked benign questions and tried to avoid him when he would ask questions that were meant to start a fight.

 

He said he didn't understand why I was being this way and I explained how his behavior looked on the outside and how much his violent talk scared me. He got offended that I was even scared of him and said he would never hurt me or our son. He said that he's never laid a finger on me and that should prove that he wouldn't hurt me.

 

I explained that I felt like he was trying to pick a fight and reminded him the statement he made to our son and walking off mad when I didn't give a reaction. He said he doesn't remember that ever happened and I much have remembered wrong.

 

After thirty minutes of me trying to explain my feelings, he just turned it around and blasted me of all the wrong doings I've done in the past. He also started to repeat things I told him he did today and said I was the one doing those things.

 

I wish I could put up camera in the house so he could see it for himself. About eight years ago when he would wake up at 5am for work, he would spend about 45 minutes yelling and screaming in the floor. He would saying things like "whore" and just wail. I finally videotaped it and showed it to him one day. It freaked him out and he said he didn't remember it but he also never did it again after that.

 

I'm very confused about whether this is an illness or him trying to get a rise out of me. The reason I'm not sure is because he waives it off like he was just playing around.

 

Last night he also said that he would describe himself as "callous, jaded and sarcastic".

 

I've decided to keep a journal to keep up with all this. He went to his "therapist" today and we haven't see each other. I may be making plans for a separation soon if we can't get to some sort of understanding and he gets help.

 

Jeeze, this sounds like my W at times. She hasn't been like this lately, but it can happen at anytime. I never was afraid of her, as I am twice her size, but still at times I felt like I had to walk on eggshells.

 

Also, the comments you made about killing or hurting people, she says that stuff quite frequently. I am sure she would never do it, but it is annoying none the less.

 

If you ever figure it out - be sure and let me know what it is. I have attributed this behavior in my W partially to her upbringing and partially to her built-in personality.

 

Good Luck. I know from experience, it is no fun to live that way.

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One reason I've gotten more scared of his state of mind is while all this seems to get worse...he's gotten more into collecting large knives and firearms. He also has a carry permit.

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One reason I've gotten more scared of his state of mind is while all this seems to get worse...he's gotten more into collecting large knives and firearms. He also has a carry permit.

 

Yeah, I definitely can understand. We have firearms around as well, and if I wasn't twice my W's size and also pretty good with protecting myself, I would be scared too. Several people have warned me to watch my back. :cool:

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One reason I've gotten more scared of his state of mind is while all this seems to get worse...he's gotten more into collecting large knives and firearms. He also has a carry permit.

 

Do you think you'd be able to persuade him to keep the guns unloaded and/or put locks on them? And keep the knife collection in a locked box? The reason would be the fact you have a child in the home and no one can monitor a child 24/7.

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Do you think you'd be able to persuade him to keep the guns unloaded and/or put locks on them? And keep the knife collection in a locked box? The reason would be the fact you have a child in the home and no one can monitor a child 24/7.

 

We have a locked safe that he keeps all of the weapons in.

 

He keeps it in the car when he is at work.

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It doesn't sound good that he is in denial and doesn't wish to seek help. Just have some sort of plan in place for all kind of situations and be ready to carry it out if you feel like you're in danger. It is obvious to me that he is suffering from some sort of severe mental illness so don't expect him to be reasonable with you. It is even more disturbing that he cannot remember acting out. Honestly, I suspect that he is psychotic and might be violent in the future.

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Yeah, I definitely can understand. We have firearms around as well, and if I wasn't twice my W's size and also pretty good with protecting myself, I would be scared too. Several people have warned me to watch my back. :cool:

 

Sometimes we get used to people's odd behavior over time, but as a stranger I can tell that this is an unhealthy and unsafe situation.

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I dont know if you are in the US but obviously lots of people have guns and its pretty normal. I would be terrified of firearms with a disturbed partner. I think you should take some steps to maybe move away for a bit? Until he can seek some concrete help. I dont know....

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He went to the therapist and let her know the concerns I was having. She pretty much told him it was normal to think those things but most people keep it to themselves. She suggested not verbalizing these thoughts anymore.

 

 

Last night, before watching a movie, we got on the subject a little. It was pretty low-key and not heated at all. He mentioned that one time during his teenage years they had put him on epilepsy medication to treat another medical condition he has. He said they had to take him off of it because he would "black out" and not know who he was. He would wonder off and his parents would have to find him. He said he would be pretty combative during those times.

 

I asked him if he thought about the possibility of his medications conflicting, especially since he was given another new medication last week. He agreed that it was a possibility.

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That's today's success. File it away. Look for a new success tomorrow. One day at a time.

 

I can share with you that the team process made a marked difference in diagnosis and treatment in our case over the single practitioner process. I was lucky to get turned on to a team at a research hospital and their work was nothing short of amazing, not to mention they turned me on to caregiver/spousal (your case) support solutions. At the high point, we'd interface with nearly a dozen separate professionals over the period of a day, some for the patient, some interviewing myself and going over medical records and family forensics with me. At that facility, it was all they did. My last contact with them was releasing the brain for autopsy before cremation. They called me. Hopefully, that won't happen for you for many decades.

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That's today's success. File it away. Look for a new success tomorrow. One day at a time.

 

I can share with you that the team process made a marked difference in diagnosis and treatment in our case over the single practitioner process. I was lucky to get turned on to a team at a research hospital and their work was nothing short of amazing, not to mention they turned me on to caregiver/spousal (your case) support solutions. At the high point, we'd interface with nearly a dozen separate professionals over the period of a day, some for the patient, some interviewing myself and going over medical records and family forensics with me. At that facility, it was all they did. My last contact with them was releasing the brain for autopsy before cremation. They called me. Hopefully, that won't happen for you for many decades.

 

I'm happy for small victories but overall I'm exhausted. On a daily basis his depressed/angry about "life" and looks to me to build him up. I feel like a broken record repeating the same things to try to make him feel better.

 

We were in the car an he was being reckless (tailgating and excessive speeding). This usually happens when he's in a mood. I asked him what's bothering him to cause all this and he said he's upset about his life. Past mistakes, choices, current situation and future looking bleak.

 

Am I wrong to think that I am the ONLY one holding this family together? I mean, I have a 2.5 year old throwing tantrums and a husband that can't hold it together for more than 5 minutes at a time.

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