Was M what you expected?

[cocorico]

We've been M several years now. It's no secret that M would not have been my choice had it been possible for us to live together elsewise. However, since we are of different nationalities, we needed to be M to get residency in each other's countries in order to live together. So we did.

 

I have seen so many good Rs wrecked by M. The minute the M label is attached to a R, it seems the expectations of others ("society") change about what the nature of the R should be, how the people in it should behave, etc, and often this affects the people in the M too, and so their R changes. And not always they way they would have wanted. We had a great R. I did not want this to happen to us.

 

The war stories are all out there. Get M, and your sex life will evaporate. Your lover will become family, your R will change to one of comfortable familiarity and romance will be supplanted by intimacy. Farts instead of flowers, grooming will go, and conversation will circle increasingly narrowly around the leaking tap in the upstairs bathroom and whether to get a new coffee maker. The endearing way he pats your arse will rankle, he'll start to resent your close circle of friends, his love of traditional roasts will butt heads with your militant veganism, chores will become a chore and resentment will simmer.

 

And yet... None of that happened. We developed new habits, forged easy compromises, and discovered that the list of "non-negotiables" was small, and aligned in a complementary way. It was remarkably easy. "Honeymoon phase", we were told. "Check back in a year or two". We did - it was still just as easy. We'd faced challenges - some major - but nothing that didn't strengthen the R. We gave it more time, expecting the cold hard disillusionment that never came. When hearing how many years we'd been together, friends would express surprise, since we were "still like newlyweds". His family would say they struggled to remember us not being together, it seemed so natural as if it had always been that way. We are happy.

 

So, all in all, m has not been at all what I expected. It's been far, far better.

 

Was M what you expected? Worse, better, or just different?

[veritas lux mea]

Here is a funny thing! My husband never gave me flowers until after we married and we date more now. While dating we mostly hung with friends and at home. So marriage has been great except with my little blip with cheating.

 

Marriage is what you make it. I have seen a lot of those problems you described with live ins, vows wouldn't change a thing. Or sometimes people marry because they are having problems and think marriage will fix it or something. Or they expect all the bad things and so it happens.

 

Marriage doesn't ruin relationships, people do.

[Woggle]

Everybody here knows my first marriage was like a bad nightmare but my second marriage is actually better than I thought. It doesn't make or break a relationship to me. The problem isn't marriage itself but the people in a marriage. I see unmarried couples having tons of issues as well.

[GoodOnPaper]

Was M what you expected? Worse, better, or just different?

 

Yes and no. My experience and point-of-view is probably the opposite of a lot of LSers. The life and household management part -- all the "mundane" stuff that concerned you (and a lot of singles on LS) -- is fine and about what I expected. I was never worried about that. I always found compatibility-related things easy to navigate. On the intimacy front, I was hoping marriage would make up for my lack of success with women when I was single -- or at the very least, wipe the slate clean of my singlehood issues -- but that hasn't really happened. I don't really feel that I experienced a "honeymoon" period, though, as my wife really drove the relationship progress.

[cozycottagelg]

I don't think a marriage certificate changes anything.

 

Kids change everything.

[whichwayisup]

I think marriage or not, when a person starts putting themselves first more often, above their partner/spouse's and children/family's needs, that's when many problems happen. It takes both people to keep the flame alive, though one person can certainly ruin it.

 

A ring and a piece of paper doesn't make things worse, it's the people IN it that are in control, it's up to them how things go in the marriage.

 

Commitment is commitment, marriage or not.

[rumbleseat]

The fear you express in the OP seems to be what so often happens when one marries solely for "love" ( limerance). The belief that no matter how different you may be, and how different your beliefs are, love will somehow be enough.

 

Quite often, it isn't.

 

I can't fathom why a militant vegan would ever marry someone who loves roasts and meat. After all, such a thing speaks to a fundamental difference in their value system, and going into a marriage with that sort of a gulf between two people doesn't bode well for their future.

 

mind you, some people can make it work, but again, it takes more than just "

"love" ( at least more than the shallow disney-esque kind of love that seems to be based more on chivalrous love than anything else).

[M30USA]

The fear you express in the OP seems to be what so often happens when one marries solely for "love" ( limerance). The belief that no matter how different you may be, and how different your beliefs are, love will somehow be enough.

 

Quite often, it isn't.

 

I can't fathom why a militant vegan would ever marry someone who loves roasts and meat. After all, such a thing speaks to a fundamental difference in their value system, and going into a marriage with that sort of a gulf between two people doesn't bode well for their future.

 

mind you, some people can make it work, but again, it takes more than just "

"love" ( at least more than the shallow disney-esque kind of love that seems to be based more on chivalrous love than anything else).

 

In my case, aside from the primary reason of abuse in my ex marriage, the cultural differences were huge. I generally don't recommend people marrying outside their culture. You aren't just dealing with two different individuals; you are dealing with hundreds and hundreds of generations of ingrained behaviors and assumptions inherent in each culture.

[WasOtherWoman]

I think it all depends upon WHO you marry.

 

I was very anti-marriage until I met my husband. Being married was important to him.

 

We lived together for two years, married for over ten now. Nothing changed. We were very compatible when we were dating and living together and continue to be very compatible while married.

 

It's not marriage that is the problem, it is trying to be with someone with whom you are not compatible that is the problem, I think.

[Silly_Girl]

We've only been married for the blink of an eye, so ought not really answer, ha ha.

 

But for me, the day to day of the relationship is no different. We are the same people with the same feelings for each other. However, we like the symbolism of building a family/future/foundation and marriage - for us - is a part of that, like buying a house and having a baby.

 

Secondly, we still enjoy the 'wedding bubble', the experience of the pre-wedding and the wedding, what it meant to us, the dynamic between us, the memories and the very big, deliberate choice of having the wedding we had. It's just an extra aspect for us, and the honeymoon, and the day we got engaged, and the day we chose the ring. Like the day we met, the day we shared our feelings, the day we chose our house. There's just *more* of those lovely milestones.

 

It's that second aspect I didn't expect. I didn't anticipate the 'specialness' we would continue to feel about the wedding and our decision to marry, I thought it would be shortlived and soon forgotten. Everything else is no different to what I had assumed.

 

My first marriage? I expected us to keep growing and evolving and exploring life/the world. My then husband wanted to tick the wife and child boxes and then stagnate at the age of 24. I did *not* expect that. I thought we'd carry on as we had been. His complacency and easy contentment drove me mad.

[janedoe67]

Marriage was not what I expected. I thought we'd have sex. I waited 25+ years and did everything "right." I also thought that we would struggle in our late 20's like most people do (financially) but my mid thirties or so we'd be settling and somewhat secure. That doesn't happen when your hubby can't keep a job and games away all the money. I also never expected to be a cheater.

[pink_sugar]

I don't think M is much different versus if we just lived together. I think living together is the same without the formal legality. I think when you marry and or live together, you are no longer in that honeymoon phase that you have when you are dating. People start showing their true colors when they are living together, due to the nature of feeling more comfortable with one another. If I could go back, I would have waited, because my H and I really struggled and are still struggling with living expenses, making costly mistakes because we both lack parental direction and etc.

[d0nnivain]

I always expected I'd have a good marriage. I think we do.

 

 

A few days into the HM I panicked. I was sure I'd made a huge mistake & wanted out. I was wrong.

 

 

In many ways we're stronger & more in love now. Part of it was learning his love languages. Part of it was comfort & intimacy. Part of it for me is that during the bad times, he stuck by me instead of running away which gives me more comfort to know he will be there.

 

 

I struggled with & still struggle with understand the different ways his family does certain things. I get stressed when they don't address problems the way I think is the "right" way to fix them. I've learned to hold my tongue> I'm learning there is more than 1 right way to do something. I am also learning you can't fix everybody.

 

 

I also lived with somebody for 10+ years before meeting my husband. That guy always fed me the BS about it being just a piece of paper. It's sooooooo much more than a piece of paper.

[peaksandvalleys]

No it wasn't what I expected. Some days it was better than I expected and some day worse. But right now it was worse than I expected. I expected honesty, fidelity, respect and communication. What I got was years worth of lies, manipulation, abuse, no respect and theft. So marriage is not what I expected.