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Do I spend too muchtime without my lady?


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My version of a common topic...

 

I live alone with my common-law partner. we are 40 and have known each other for over 14 years. We've lived together for 6 or 7. Key thing is that she is from Southern Europe and moved across to ocean to live with me 7 years ago.

 

 

There are obvious cultural differences, mainly that she is much closer to family - all her family pretty much lives in the same small city and are around each other frequently. The social life also is very family oriented - friends exist but are not as important. They socialize mostly with one another. Her family seem like homebodies, and it is sort of like she is used to always having someone at home.

 

Me on the other hand was raised by a single mother and always had friends around as a kid and all through my years up to the time I moved in with her I had a very active social life. Different people in my life is really important. I did not always have a family to socialize with, which made me into a more socially outgoing person

 

Jump ahead to now. I still like to go out with friends. My partner is usually invited, but does not join, and when she does, sits around looking bored, not getting involved. She does not do well in any sort of group activity. Ok.. so I go myself, because it is still important for me to socialize. I feel I shouldn't sacrifice what has always been important to me because she doesn't like it.

 

But for her, she has few friends and it seems she expects me to be her social life. If I go out for longer periods, I am made to feel guilty about it. Granted, sometimes I do go out for quite long periods (say 2pm to 11pm on a Saturday - maybe once every 6 weeks). I am a musician, and once in awhile I like to hang out with like minded musicians having jam sessions I find very fulfilling - hence the long stay away from time to time. I try to make it clear how important this activity is for me (it really is). But other than that quite rare event I just noted, usually it is few hours here and there meeting a friend or friends. Even tonight I went to watch the Super Bowl at a friend's and I was grudgingly given 'permission'. She didn't want to come (doesn't like football or the group I guess). I now just assume she will not be joining me for any such event, unless it is a special date or something like that (which we do from time to time )

 

 

I tend to be home every evening during the week. We drive to work together, and we come home together each day (though don't work at same place). We have a relatively low stress life with enough money, stable jobs etc. We are done work and home at 5pm every day. We have a lot of free time compared to many. We are together quite a lot.

 

Maybe once on a weekend I might want to go to a pub to meet with friends. Probably happens once every three weekends these days. I am not a drunk. But she simply doesn't like drinking - just isn't her thing. The idea is my friends and I hang at a pub and have long conversations that my friends and I find interesting. To her, we sit and do nothing but drink beer. She does not have the same interests and can't be part of the conversations, so I guess it appears to be boring beer drinking to her. Replace 'pub' with 'coffee shop' and it would be the same situation... This is only an example however - this isn't all I want to do...

 

Other times I just want to go for a day long bike ride. She can't do this as she simply is not as athletic as I am, and does not have the endurance. So, I end up not doing this so she doen't have to spend time alone. I don't even consider a weekly golf game habit that can easily drain 5-6 hours in a day. It seems like it will just cause conflict, and she will not go play with me so that isn't an option.

 

I'm having a very hard time identifying things we can do together

 

 

When we do sometimes go out together for an evening, she is often tired and wants to go home and be in bed by 10pm latest. Meanwhile, I might like to take in a live band or the late movie or something.. it isn't like we have kids to look after. [but perhaps this is straying off topic]

 

 

In summary I feel I am being held back from what I enjoy because she doesn't like my activities, and does not have her own friends to do things with. I am the key to her entire social life (an honor is some ways, but certainly a burden as well)

 

 

 

She says that any woman would feel the same as she does. That is, any other woman would not like having her mate go out and leave her home alone, and taking it for granted she'll be there when he comes back and all that type of thing.

 

 

She sometimes says that I feel my interests with friends are more important than spending time with her

 

I, on the other hand, encourage her to get out and do stuff without me - which she never does on less I'm there to go with her. Yes it is hard to integrate into a new country and all that, but it has been 7 years.

 

How does this sound to you? Women especially?

 

Am I crazy putting up with this, or am I being an insensitive shmuck?

 

Any honest input appreciated!!

 

If you need any more info, I'll be glad to provide if that helps

 

 

Max

Edited by Maxweld
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acrosstheuniverse

To me, you just sound very mismatched. I'm a woman and I'd be more than delighted with the amount of time you say you spend elsewhere, because I enjoy my own time to do my own things too. I'm a musician so I like to go to gigs, go and jam with friends, gather a few people together to watch a good gig DVD, go for coffee or to the bars to talk with friends and so forth. I don't really have much to do with family so my friends are my family too.

 

She'd be better suited to somebody more along her lines, as it sounds like she's stifling you. It's not exactly her 'fault' although she could put a little more effort in trying to join in your activities if she has a problem with you going and doing them. I would go crazy if I didn't have a partner that had a similarly matched social life to mine!

 

Just sounds like over years your resentment to one another is going to build up majorly. You'll grow to hate her for clipping your wings and being so boring, she'll grow to hate you for in her eyes prioritising your friendships over her, etc. When you live together it's lovely to both go off and do your own things knowing you're eventually coming home to one another! But it sounds like she's just not the sort of person to have a full social life. My parents were similar, my mum didn't seem to care what my dad did but he was super social and she wasn't. They divorced and he's now married to a woman that loves going out, they go out for meals with other couples, to 1940s dances and steampunk festivals where they get all dressed up (they're in their sixties!) it's lovely to see him flourishing in a relationship that's right for him after he and my mother ended up divorcing.

 

In your situation I would personally be questioning whether it was going to work out longterm, but I suggest you continue to live your life (I really don't think a Saturday away once every six weeks is a big deal!), make it clear she's welcome but don't cave in and skip things that are important to you.

 

When you're at home together when you've missed an event what do you actually do with one another? Sit and talk and have a great time? Have some drinks and play strip poker? Or just sit and watch TV and go to sleep? It's simply not true that any woman would feel the same. I thrive on having a busy life and having a partner with a similarly busy life, both going off and having our freedom and then coming back together to talk about it. When I was with my ex he went on a camping holiday alone, to visit his family in a different country alone, I did lots of voluntary work on top of a couple of jobs, I often went out with my friends without him. It was good like that.

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The problem is a compatibility issue and dependence issue. You aren't compatible in how you spend your time. She is so dependent on you because that is how her family modeled relationships to her. She needs her own friends and hobbies. She also acts like your mother. I have been happily married for a very long time and we really enjoy each other's company yet we both know that in order for us to stay fresh and exciting to each other we have to have our own friends and hobbies. I don't know if you have yet, but I would become very resentful and probably start to pull away emotionally and sexually because I would feel smothered and unhappy.

Might be best to move on before you end up hating her or worse, losing yourself,

Grumps

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cozycottagelg

I think there is a huge difference between her choosing not to go, and her not being invited.

 

It sounds like she is invited to most of the activities that you are involved in, but chooses not to go, or goes and is bored and quiet.

 

I am not sure how to solve this. I used to think it was important to have different hobbies and interests/friends, but I don't feel that way anymore. My marriage is suffering because we opted to spend so much time apart. We grew apart and connecting now, for me, is very hard.

 

Are there things that she enjoys that you like to do as well? A middle ground?

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OP, how many hours do you spend socializing with your friends without her, a week, on average? And how much time would you ideally like to spend? That might help paint a better picture of things - I read your post but there are multiple mentions of things that you do, so I don't know if they all add up or not.

 

That aside, it's really just an issue of compatibility. There is no real right and wrong for the individual couple, as different people need different things. It sounds like both of you are just incompatible in this regard, so you either need to work out a compromise or reevaluate the relationship.

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Do any of your guy friends have wives or girlfriends, and could you invite one or two of those couples to your place for an evening a couple times a month? This could be a movie night, or playing cards or some other joint activity that you'd all like.

 

This might be a way of helping her out of the "stuck at home" rut, get her to feel at ease with others in a more limited social situation than joining the whole crowd, so to speak.

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Thanks for the insight.

 

I think I've been pretty fair, but maybe she would describe the situation differently.

 

We know we aren't an ideal match but still want to be together. The great battle is me getting that time to do what I like - things she can and will not be part of.

 

Your comments give me some reassurance.

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I agree about this being a compatibility issue. Perhaps it can be solved if you stay home a bit more AND she comes out a bit more. . . .you both give a little to get a lot.

 

 

My husband & I do a lot apart but we're happy about that. It's not a source of conflict. Even when we do stuff together, we're rarely glued at the hip. For example, we went to a Super Bowl party. I flitted around the room & talked to everybody. DH sat in a corner, drank his beer, watched the game & talked to the people who came over to him. I barely noticed until a friend commented on it . We both responded that we'd spent the party doing what we enjoyed, saw the other one doing what they enjoyed & were happy to see each other having fun. I would have been miserable sitting still & he would have been miserable trying to follow the multiple conversations I was having simultaneously.

 

 

Talk to your wife. Ask her if there are things she'd like to do with you. Maybe she'd really like to go antiquing or to a museum. You can give up a bike ride to do that. Perhaps there is a sport she might consider playing. The point is work together to come up with a solution. You have been together for a while so there must be points of commonality.

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