disconnected & scared.

[loverofthelite]

Hello all, I'm having some major issues in my marriage and I just don't know what the heck to do anymore, the longer the issues linger..the closer I get to just wanting a divorce. I've been on this site before, YEARS ago..When my husband had a porn/phone sex addiction. We've been together for 10 years and have 2 kids.

 

I will start with the fact that we've been through a lot, we've made the effort and put in the work to fix things. We've had our happy times and he is definitely my best friend...thats just it though. I feel like he is more of a friend than a lover.

 

In the past, he's had his lies and cover ups..I would say that the first 5 years of our relationship was fixing what was broken...including me. I was so broken for about 3 years after all the lies were uncovered..BUT, one day..I woke up and decided to get happy. I started working out, I got a social life and I can happily say I have been depression free for 3 years. He on the other hand, did the opposite. He literally just stopped caring about everything, including having friends, being active, playing in the band, and making efforts in our relationship.

 

I know that we are both unhappy. I find myself fantasizing about other men because our sex life is nonexistent. I have to have a sexual connection in order to love someone and I don't feel sexually attracted to him at all.

 

I know I may sound really self centered, but I feel like I busted my ass to fix what was broken for nothing. In the end, he doesn't care about anything or even attempting to make an effort. My parents are divorced and miserably remarried. His parents are going through a NASTY divorce after 30 years of marriage. At the end of the day I just feel like marriage is a waste of time if you're just going to spend countless years faking it until one day he up and leaves u for another person.

 

And to be completely honest I feel like I just want a divorce. I need advice on where to start, or if this marriage is worth fixing. We have 2 kids and they are my biggest concern right now. I don't want them going through a life changing divorce.

[d0nnivain]

If you are busting your ass to fix what's broken, what is he doing besides watching porn, lying & covering stuff up?

 

 

I think you need to answer the classic Ann Landers question: would you & your kids be better off with him or without him? That's what you should do.

[kjohn]

Divorce is a big step, so I understand your hesitation and concern. It is hard, no matter what and it can be especially hard on children.

 

My suggestion to you would be counseling.

 

It takes two people to save a relationship and both people have to want to save it and be willing to do the work it will take to save it.

 

I tried marriage counseling for 6 months before my divorce. Unfortunately, my exH would not come with me so I went to marriage counseling by myself figuring that maybe I could learn something or pick up some tools that I could use to save the relationship.

 

At the time, it was clear to me that my exH was unhappy but he would never tell me why or put any effort into trying to fix whatever it was that was bothering him. Unbeknownst to me at the time, that was because he had already moved on to another relationship and fallen in love. In his mind our relationship was already over. He just didn't have the courage or the courtesy to tell me!

 

So he let me go to marriage counseling by myself for 6 months when he knew that it was nothing but a waste of my time.

 

I'm telling you this because I don't want to see you do to your husband what my ex did to me.

 

If you know for sure that it is over in your mind, tell your husband now before something happens that you might regret.

 

If you think there is a chance that the marriage can be saved, suggest counseling. If he is unwilling to go then you know he doesn't value the relationship enough to try to save it.

 

I have a good friend who went to marriage counseling for 18 months and even thought they were going, nothing was changing. Finally she said this isn't working, nothing is changing, I'm not happy and I want a divorce, but at least she can say that she did everything she could to try to save her marriage before deciding to end it.