Married but thinking of ex-GF of 14 years ago (sorry LONG)

[lintzz]

Not sure if this is me looking for advice/suggestion or, more likely, me thinking very stupidly. I've been thinking A LOT about my ex girlfriend, 1st love, borderline obsessive, no I am.. smh. I've been married for 11 years and haven't spoken with the ex since shortly after we broke up close to 14 years ago.

 

Some about my current relationship. About 20 years ago I met my wife one summer. Didn't see her again until the following summer at camp again. At that point I "liked" her but she didn't "like" me in that way. This was a few years before internet so we sent real letters back and forth. I even asked her out in a letter. Cool huh? I've always been shy and awkward. We hung out quite a bit, went to prom together and such. We both went to different colleges but stayed in contact. We hung out some and I ended up dating her best friend at the time. After that ended was around the time we stopped spending time together.

 

6-8 months after that I met "the ex", summer of 98. We met on-line, she's a few years younger than me. She was quite shy and awkward just like me. She was also new to the area and about an hour away from where I lived. Anyway, we met and had quite a bit in common, personality wise for sure. Eventually I asked her if she wanted to "be my girlfriend." Yes I asked her just like that, had no clue what I was doing. I was her first real relationship and thinking back she was my third girlfriend but first I would consider serious. A few months go by and things are good. So we met the summer before her senior year. Our ages probably plays a part in some of this somewhere, she's 3 years younger than me. So a few months go by, things are good. I'm assuming I was chatting on the computer with her one night after work I tell her that I'm falling in love with her. Too shy to tell it to her face at first, don't want to get rejected I guess. Few more months she actually tells me that she loves me. I think she did it when we were together. That was one of the happiest days for me, at that point in my life. I had never had a girl say that too me. It was always me falling for girls but them never for me. I give her a pearl ring, exact same one as my wife has. That didn't go over well when I told my wife that she got the same one as my ex. I know real bad form but to be honest it's the only one that I liked. Don't remember what I said it symbolized. Probably that I just want to be with her, or something like that. We go to her Homecoming, the Christmas, then to her prom. I remember having issues of what to get her for graduation because I didn't want to get her something too big or something, make sense? Eventually got her an amethyst bracelet. Her birthday was in January but amethyst was her favorite, both our favorite colors were purple?? Oh back up some. That last fall... She was big in to high school band. She went to band festival, this might be significant. Only time I remember talking with my wife during this relationship was around this time. My now wife and I went to see her band performance at the festival. Afterwards we went to see a common friend and his future wife. I remember my ex not being to excited about the idea, but she was a lot like me and didn't say too much. Anyway, her graduation happened. That summer she and I went to that guy's wedding. I think we also went to 4 other weddings during our relationship. She also came with me to my brother's first wedding. Around the year mark of us being together I wanted to get her a promise ring. I had a friend help me. Again I didn't know what I was doing and didn't want to get something too bad. So got something for her. Again, don't remember what I said it meant, but I know I said Promise Ring. The next fall she went to college in the same town I was in. Things were still really good. Spent more time together and all that. Saved on gas too. We went to another friend of mines wedding on 1/1/00. One of the only times I remember her being upset was on her birthday. I was going to night school at the local community college the whole time I was with her. I remember asking her if she wanted me to skip classes to spend time with her on her birthday. She probably either said it was up to me or no. I do remember her being upset afterwards though. Next summer, she moves back to stay with her parents an hour away. Around the 2 year point I remember that we were getting bored when we spend time together on weekends. Couldn't think of new things to do. Sometime around this time I remember her telling me her mom was concerned that we would get pregnant and have to get married and her parent's didn't want that for her. This might be a good time to mention that we never had sex. We had talked about it but she didn't want to. We went camping one Friday night and were babysitting her younger brother the next evening so her parents could go out for their anniversary. I remember us talking about breaking or spending some time apart. I think I messed it up because I said that we needed to figure something out so I didn't spend a lot of money on an anniversary gift for her. Now thinking back I wonder if she was thinking I was going to get her an engagement ring? I had thought about marriage and we might have talked about it. My thought was for us to go somewhere the next Spring Break and I would propose. Either way we "mutually" agreed to break up that night. I remember telling her goodbye and she was like, aren't you going to tell my baby brother bye. So I left. Probably cried the whole drive back home. Took the next week off of work. That next Friday I was driving around town and it hit me. I went to the friend and his wife's house who got married on 1/1/00. I was a mess that night, probably stayed there.

 

I remember looking at dating websites and found that she was too. I made an account and chatted with her some on there, as someone else. At one point I remember her going "you sound just like what my ex would say." I stopped at that point. Pretty low point. Come fall and she comes back to college. I remember me asking her if we could talk. I think I picked her up and we went to some park. I probably almost begged her for us to try again. She obviously said no. I brought her a movie that I had that was hers and that was probably the last time I saw her purposefully. I think I saw her on campus one day. We were still "friends" on yahoo messenger. She messaged me one time asking if I thought she was a good kisser. I said of course. I asked her the same question, but she didn't give an answer. Then I asked if she thought I was attractive. Don't remember what was said but I remember being very upset because she either didn't say anything or said that I wasn't. I remember either saying or thinking that "why were you in a relationship with me for 2 years if you didn't think I was attractive. A few months later she messaged me and asked if I would buy beer for her and her friends. Obviously, I didn't and just made me mad. My best friend was in a class at college that she was in and he said something to her about it. I believe after that is when I deleted her off of yahoo and stuff and having contacted her since. So timeline is... met in early summer of 98 broke up mid summer of 00.

 

Move forward a few months. Friend that I went to his wedding on 1/1/00 saw my current wife at a coffee shop and gave her my number, common friend. I dated wife's friend again, which I dated before maybe in late 97. While I was dating that girl is when my wife, I guess, decided she liked me. That girl and I broke up and a little while later my wife told me. I know when she first told me I was confused, imagine that. I told her I didn't want that from her at the time. About a week later I changed my mind. That would have been around May of 01. I remember we were dating when I graduated Community College in May 01. Quickly after that we started talking marriage. We didn't have to get to know each other and everything. Since we had been friends since 95. Then we got married.

 

Wife and my relationship has always been good, I guess. We don't argue too much, again, you are just getting my side of the story, she would probably say something different. I do remember in Arizona, we had an argument and she mentioned Divorce. Afterwards she did regret saying that. We have arguments every week or so, probably common in relationships. Main problem we have always had was that I don't show her enough affection. That has been a major pain for her. I don't remember my ex having that problem. Different people like different things. To be honest this other girl and I were almost identical in personalities. Both shy and not very talkative, awkward... Anyway, wife and my relationship isn't perfect but whose is? Ever since we got married I would look this other girl up in the internet from time to time. Google, myspace, facebook, whatever. I know back when myspace was popular and there were "tracking" systems she looked at my profile.. But I've looked her up from time to time ever since. I figured she'd always have a place in my heart.

 

I should mention wife and I do have 2 kids. That obviously is important.

 

So a few weeks ago I was looking for something and found my "box" that had a couple mementos of past relationships. Pictures from prom & homecoming her graduation invitation. So I looked her up and figured out that she must have gotten a divorce recently. From what I remember of her that must be really hard. Especially since she has kids now too. Then on the radio I heard "our" song a few times and the song that she was named after. These songs normally aren't played too much. So I get to thinking, this is me I think and over think, most everything.

 

My thoughts.... The saying "let love go if it comes back..blah blah blah." Maybe that is what's happening now? I do love Wife, but do I really LOVE her, you know what I mean? Sounds terrible to think that.. But my wife and I got together less than a year after and I didn't want to at first. I'm thinking I decided to in fear of not finding anyone else. Always had issues with girls. Should I have tried to pursue the ex since I loved her so much? Did she get told by her parent's that we needed to break up? I've thought about sending her a message asking how she is and blah blah blah. Would Wife like that? We already know the answer to that. I was listening to music the other day and that one song came on, Wife came downstairs and turned it. She knows what it use to mean to me. Will I do anything? Probably not this is me I worry about what would happen too much and chicken out. Besides she probably doesn't even think about me anymore. Last night at work I almost wrote her. If I hadn't gotten to go home early I might have. I would like to know what she really felt after we broke up. The not thinking I was attractive stuff, that really hurt. But, this is me, I'd probably think there was something more than what was actually happening.. I do think that I will always have a place for her in my heart no matter what happens.

 

I don't know what I'm looking for. I've already posted something on reddit.com and emailed a friend about this. I don't know if I'm hoping someone will tell me that it's OK to make contact without my wife knowing or what? Things I've read all say that you should get over an ex and move on. I thought I had except for the occasional thought and stuff. But the last week and a half have been bad. As I stated probably obsessive. I know what I am remembering is from before we had grown up responsibilities and we both have changed. Also, that you can what-if the world and make anything sound a way that sounds good to you. I know this is probably affecting my sleep and inevitably my relationship with my wife and kids.

 

Let me know your thoughts, hopefully I snap out of this soon, or write her and realize that she doesn't even remember me..

[Philosoraptor]

Don't sabotage your relationship over a fantasy of something from over a decade ago.

 

This ex of yours is not the same person you remember. She has changed in the past 14 years, as have you. Furthermore the rose colored glasses you wear right now do not represent who she really was back then nor how the relationship was back then.

 

If your wife was having the same thoughts about a guy from 14 years ago what in the world would you tell her? "Go ahead, I don't mind if you leave our family over a pipe dream fantasy" or "you made vows and we've been good, why destroy what we have over a woman you haven't talked to in 14 years".

 

If this is obsession, seek a therapist... not another woman. And she'd be a stranger at that; as you both have changed immensely over the past 14 years. So are you willing to destroy the trust in your relationship to pursue a stranger?

[lolitahaze]

Do you know what is even worse than telling your partner you dont love them anymore? Being told you love 2 people at once. This was done to me two months ago, still hurting. That "i love you but love another woman too" thing once is said, can not be forgiven or forgotten...so be sure. My ex did dare to tell this and at the same time said he did not want to lose me, that maybe wanted to get back together in the future..oh well...you dont know what hurting means until the man who means the world to you says those words.be careful please, think twice.

[VeronicaRoss]

I read this because I had a boyfriend from 30 years ago try to start something up again. That's a reality, this fantasy of yours can go on for the rest of your life if you don't address what's really going on with you.

 

What strikes me reading about your past was that there was a lot of on again/off again with all three where you could fill in the time apart with fantasy. Fantasy can really feel like love. That you talk about your relationships as if you had three nearly inter-changable girlfriend objects. Especially the first two.

 

I was in a similar triangle with the guy that hit on me 30 years after I broke up with him. I broke up with him because I could feel he just wasn't that into me. He immediately started dating my roommate. They didn't end up together but they've carried on an emotional affair ever since through letters and email. When I talked with them about each other what struck me is how they both really knew so little about each other, and had some basic things about each of them just plain wrong. Really surprising things. What I gathered was over 30 years they were painting these pictures of each other that were conducive to seduction and romance leaving out a lot of important info that as a friend I knew about. It was interesting and just a warning about the power of romantic fantasy.

 

Another thing that struck me was you got bored with your ex, the one you now pine for, because you ran out of things to do. That is really surprising. It hints you weren't terribly interested in her as a person. When I fell in love we often would do nothing but talk and talk and talk sharing and discovering each other, it was one of the real delights of the experience. It didn't matter what we did, we just wanted to be together. Especially in youth.

 

In short, you seem very detached to real intimacy (your wife complains you're not that affectionate is another sign) and subject to fantasy in your relationships.

 

I'm not taking away from the intense pain you felt with the breakup. Young men going through their first break ups are the most likely candidates to successfully commit suicide. Those deep feelings can be the first time a young man actually experiences loss, and it hits the heart and ego. But you honestly didn't sound that into the girl while you were with her. If you were, you would have felt it and given her no doubt about her importance. Don't berate yourself for not doing it or feeling more for her, but take seriously the young man you were just wasn't that into her. A young woman knows when a man is in love with her. Even if he is shy. The man who won me over from my ex 30 years back was just as shy and less articulate but I never doubted how he felt.

 

I clearly don't know you so please don't take this as an insult but have you considered or ever been tested for Aspergers? I'm wondering if this detachment might be part of that?

 

Otherwise I'd say you are a person who might be ready to grow, to attach, to learn to express, to put it out there so to speak. The real mystery is you. You have two kids and a wife who I am quite positive would benefit if you reached inside yourself and reach out more to them and built a fun, interesting life in the here and now. I'd heavily recommend going to a therapist to deal with the fantasies and help you focus on building a much richer life.

[lintzz]

Thanks for the replies I appreciate it.

 

Philosoraptor, I agree that she is probably most likely not the same girl/woman that I knew. I know this. We've had different lives and now have grown up responsibilities. I know if my wife told me she was having these issues with an ex I'd be upset. I didn't say I liked having these feelings? :-). Thanks for putting it like she is a stranger, essentially her personality would be.

 

lolitahaze, I'm sorry you have gone through that. I know I wouldn't like that. I know I "think" that is maybe what I feel. I love my wife. Not sure about the ex. I know I WAS in love when we were together. That's ONE of my problems. I did say ONE I know there are many. I think I was more in love with her than I am with my wife. Terrible to think.

 

VeronicaRoss, I hadn't thought about that other or 3rd girl that way. I don't think of that as being a problem or issue. Just a girl I dated and then tried again. She was the only on off thing, i think. I liked my wife when we met but she didn't like me. When she decided she did I didn't want to try at first. That's another thing I don't know about. Why did I not want to, then change my mind?

You mentioned me not being interested in my ex. That isn't the case. She was my everything at the time. We did talk a lot when we were together. I didn't want to break up. I could tell that she wanted to or at least wanted a break but knew she didn't want to say it, I think.

No offense to the aspergers thought. :-) Just means you are trying to help. By what I've said I can see why you might think that. I did a search for symptoms and I do have some. I think you took the awkward comments I used for more than what I ment them to be.

 

I know she has changed and so have I. Sitting here at work I wonder if I just want to hear that she had a hard time when we broke up, like I did? People said she had to have, but impressions I got from her were different. As far as my wife. A friend who I originally sent this as an email to asked me a question about settling. That is a terrible term I made up. She asked if I could see myself without her then maybe.. Not those exact words but similar. I know what she means and I don't know if I can answer that, which is terrible.

 

I know counseling would probably help. How would I go about telling my wife? "I or we need to go to counselling because I've been having stupid feelings for my ex." Do you think that work go over very well? Just not sure how to bring that up, you know?

 

Thanks again for your thoughts they are appreciated. Oh, and sorry if any grammar or typo mistakes. On my phone. :-)

[Philosoraptor]

I know counseling would probably help. How would I go about telling my wife? "I or we need to go to counselling because I've been having stupid feelings for my ex." Do you think that work go over very well? Just not sure how to bring that up, you know?

"Emotionally I'm begging to feel overwhelmed. I want to seek therapy to help me gain the tools necessary to deal with the day to day issues that have been getting to me. I just want to be able to be the best husband and father that I can be."

 

This is, of course, if you would be seeking therapy in the pursuit of keeping your marriage healthy and leaving these random thoughts about your ex in the past. If you aren't sure which path you want to go down then you'd most definitely have to let your wife know you aren't sure about your marriage anymore.

[VeronicaRoss]

You are a very patient, polite person. I appreciate the spirit you show taking random advice from the Internet

 

I'd tell your wife you've listened to her and want to talk privately with a professional about what might keep you from being more affectionate and stress to her this is a lifelong issue of not seeming to be able to communicate successfully with the ones you love. That you want to figure that out and would like some privacy at first as you get used to therapy, in case she wants to join in.

 

Good luck!

[lintzz]

Obviously haven't done anything since yesterday. Been reading what others have posted on this site and other places. With knowing very little about me what would you guys think about me being a little depressed? Big word, just looking at ideas. I know a therapist would diagnose that.

 

Another thought is maybe I just need some closure from the ex? I keep going back to wondering if I meant as much to her as she did to me? From what I've read I'd like to think that I meant a lot to her. But I don't think anyone else but her telling me will actually give me closure.. Other posts suggest writing and just letting them know you have been thinking about that and that you still hold a place for them, blah blah blah. I'm guessing that wouldn't be a good idea though?

 

Thanks and hope you all have a good day.

[Philosoraptor]

Obviously haven't done anything since yesterday. Been reading what others have posted on this site and other places. With knowing very little about me what would you guys think about me being a little depressed? Big word, just looking at ideas. I know a therapist would diagnose that.

 

Another thought is maybe I just need some closure from the ex? I keep going back to wondering if I meant as much to her as she did to me? From what I've read I'd like to think that I meant a lot to her. But I don't think anyone else but her telling me will actually give me closure.. Other posts suggest writing and just letting them know you have been thinking about that and that you still hold a place for them, blah blah blah. I'm guessing that wouldn't be a good idea though?

 

Thanks and hope you all have a good day.

You may be depressed. And that would cause visions of grandeur related to your past.

 

But no, you will get no closure from your ex. No one ever does. Closure, always, without a doubt, comes from within. A better thing to ask is to ask yourself "why does it matter to me so much what someone else may have thought of me?". That speaks of a self esteem issue.

 

And for God's sake do not make any contact with this woman... horrific idea. Surely to bring external drama to what currently is an internal issue. Seek therapy to deal with your internal feelings, do not seek validation from others.

 

Do not risk your marriage and family over your curiosity of whether or not someone you haven't spoken to in 14 years liked you or not. Just imagine if someone came up to you asking if you thought it was a good idea to risk losing their wife and children in order to see if they ever meant anything to someone they haven't seen in 14 years. What would you say to them?

[oldshirt]

I didn't read your whole saga...... I didn't need to.

 

 

We all have prior loves and crushes and infatuations and for a lot of people even prior marriages and children. Those memories never go away and often the feelings never truly die either.

 

 

My grandmother used to tell me that we are the decisions we make and the actions we take. No one really gives a rats @ss what you think or how you feel. It's what you do that makes you who and what you are.

 

 

So with that in mind, you have a right to think about your past love while you are alone with your thoughts. You have the right to your feelings. There's nothing wrong with you if someone from your past still ilicits some nostalgia.

 

 

... just don't let those thoughts and feelings and memories impact any of your actions today.

 

 

Don't contact her or try to get together for coffee to "catch up." Don't tell your wife $hit about it. Why take your issue and put it on your wife???? That's dumb.

 

 

Enjoy the memories when you are alone in the car driving home at the end of the day, then once you walk in the door you hug your wife and give her a big smooch (go ahead and reach around and grab her @ss too while youre at it) and play with the kids.

 

 

It's ok to think about the past as long as you stay in the present and don't let it mess up your future.

 

 

 

 

Just because you have some fond memories of someone that used to be significant to you, does NOT mean that you love your wife any less or that she is any less significant to you know. Always remember that. People have lots of complex and varied feelings for a lot of different people. Just because you have some warm feelings for someone means that you love your own spouse less. That's where a lot of people shoot themselves in the foot and really damage their marriage, when they think that there must be something wrong with their spouse when they get warmies for someone else. BAD JU-JU!!

[DreamLost]

Oh man, I totally feel for you as I am in a similar situation (see my very first post). Went out with my ex for 4 years (first relationship for both of us) and broke up about 9 years ago. I am now in a relationship of 7 years and is about to get married but I still think about my ex from time to time - all the good times we had together, her smile, all the whatifs. But the fact is, as I told myself, she is not the same person now - I love the person I went out with 13 years ago, but she is not that person now. I told myself to accept the fact that we had a great time together and there is no guilt in keeping the good memories in my heart or to think about it sometimes (don't think this is something I can forget). But if I am go look for my ex and dive head first into the whatifs, this is very unfair to my fiancee. I love her dearly NOW and would not let her get hurt in any way.

 

From what you said it sounds like you still have strong feelings towards your ex, but is it worthy throwing everything away just for the hope of getting together? I suggest you to just be happy with what you have NOW and move on with your life.

[VeronicaRoss]

Closure is tough to get.

 

It helped me to talk things through with a few ex's. The conversations only emphasized how those relationships were not for the long-term. If anything I saw those relationships should have ended earlier, and that's with people who I broke up with or those who broke up with me. It made me more grateful for what I have. But I'm not unhappy in my marriage when I talked with them. In all cases but one they made it clear if even subtly that if I wanted some kind of affair there was an opportunity.

 

In this case with you so unhappy with your current relationship and with all the longing for her it would be playing with fire to go back to an ex to have a very intimate conversation. It's the equivalent of lighting a match to a dry sticks soaked in gasoline and a very common way for people to burn down the marriages they don't have the courage to end otherwise. Don't do that to your family, if your marriage deserved to be ended you'd want that to happen with more dignity.

 

You need to deal with your present head on first. This ex thing is a distraction to the real problem you have, that you are so unhappy in your marriage you're considering contacting this ex.

 

In your case too you've already tried to reach out to the ex long ago and she wasn't interested, right? It will seem stalker-ish to reach out to her again if she's already rejected the attempts at conversation.

 

You might write a letter to her just to get your feelings down but don't send it to her! Maybe get a therapist and if you have to send it send it to them so you could look at it together. I'd get away for a day or two on your own to do this and make sure there is no evidence for your wife to find of your most intimate thoughts, this is for you to get closure. You might surprise yourself by what you write too.

[lintzz]

Didn't think anyone else was responding. Thanks. I really appreciate you all letting me work through this. I am almost 100% positive I will say things we have gone over already. so I'm sorry

 

 

Philosoraptor - I'd say a big part is self esteem. I have always had issues with that. Again, I'd thought I had gotten rid of them, but who knows.

Definitely an internal issue I know this. I had my best friend look at this yesterday. He will hopefully talk some sense in to me. He dealt with me through that breakup.

 

 

oldshirt - Thanks for your input. The more I think about things and look at how things are I am wondering why. Why am I thinking about these things so much, now? Should I have these strong feelings if I love my wife? I know you said that doesn't make any difference.

 

 

Dreamlost - I read your post. I agree people change, even though the way I've been feeling I am not sure how much I have. So I've been trying to do a little more exercise. Not sure if it's because of this ridiculousness or not. Anyway, I hate running, so I was running yesterday morning. Mind just going crazy with thoughts, it's been over a third of my ex's life since we talked. In a year or 2 it will have been half. I know she has changed, but still not helping these thoughts.

 

 

VeronicaRoss - Closure is the big thing that I keep going back to that I THINK would get me off of this. My buddy who I had read this thread yesterday told me when we broke up that she had to have cared for me and all that crap or we wouldn't have stayed together for so long. I think that to be true, BUT she never said it. Unfortunately, in my head, no one but her can tell me that I meant a lot to her. I also wonder if she thinks of me from time to time. But if I knew she did that would inevitably give me disillusions of a false hope. I know if I were to write her, even with a better head on my shoulders, and asked her these things she would think I was crazy. Especially since it's been almost 14 years, and I can assume she knows I've been married. That's if she has thought of me and "looked" me up, again I assume she has. You mentioned reaching out to her. Only time I did that was very recently after we had broken up. Maybe a month tops. She asked me a few things after that, that upset me, again not too long after we had broken up, 2 or 3 months I think.

 

As far as my current relationship. I don't know how good or bad it is. Obviously I must not be happy or something since I am thinking about someone else so much. Since I've been thinking this crap I have thought about me & my wife's relationship. There are things that I get upset about and don't like that she does. But all relationships are that way. BTW I know I'm not perfect and I do things that annoy the crap out of her too. I'm not going to sit here and say I'm even close to perfect. I've thought some that even if I wasn't having these feelings of my ex I'd be thinking all the same stuff about our relationship, but would I?

 

 

I am wondering how much of these issues with thinking of my ex is really issues I'm having my my marriage? Me knowing she is divorced is just an excuse for me to think about the what ifs so I can realize the other issues in my life? What's great is my wife's birthday is this week. How am I suppose to direct all my attention on her when I'm being totally ridiculous about someone else. Someone else that I know she would hate me for thinking about. uugh I also realized last week that it was 2 weeks ago yesterday all this craziness in my head started, which I'm 90% sure was my ex's birthday. You can imagine what I thought when I realized that. I'm kinda thinking I don't need to be with anyone. Yes I know, therapy. I did look up what I need to do to get that started. So I have thought about it. Don't think I haven't.

 

There was something else I was going to mention/talk about, but I forgot. Probably just ramblings like I have been doing this whole time.

Again thanks for your help I really appreciate it.

[Philosoraptor]

You need to get down to figuring out why meaning something to her has any effect on you at this point.

 

Go buy a car or something... at least that is something positive for your mid life crisis.

 

If you intend on communicating with this stranger from 14 years ago, pass it by your wife first. Explain to her how you're obsessing over someone from your past. Bet that'll snap you out of these delusions.

[VeronicaRoss]

If it's any help, you are completely normal in this. It doesn't mean anything is wrong. Wondering about the roads we didn't get to take is a part of everyone's life. It's important to take note that something inside of us is waking up. I once start obsessing about an ex and it tapped into all these things that I needed to pay attention to in my current relationship. That wasn't straightforward for sure, but I realized there were things i wasn't happy with and wasn't addressing.

 

Be easy on yourself about it.

 

Just find something else that is really fun and interesting to do!