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Wifes relationship with step-daughter...


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I'm not sure if this is the right forum or not to post this.

 

I'm looking for some wisdom and insight into an issue that I have with my wife and her step-daughter (my daughter). Almost since the start of our marriage (3 years) my wife has had an issue with my daughter. My daughter is intitled and can be difficult with poor judgement sometimes and is self-serving. She is 20 and in university but she is under my primary care (mom is not around much).

 

This weekend my daughter did something stupid (dui, hitting a parked car) and is not dealing well with the stress around what awaits. She is obviously quite stressed. I've been talking to her and working through it with the message that this is a wake up call for her to change her ways and make some positive improvements in the way she deals with issues, people and life in general.

 

My wife is almost angry with any support I give her, saying that the courts will decide and she earned everthing she gets. Tonight we had a big blow up that gravitate into me saying that she has no concern whatsoever for my daughter or me. I don't believe she has any empathy for me or my daughter and really only worries about being right herself and being very judgemental. I told her that being judged is not what I need from her right now, that I just need her to be supportive or keep her views to herself until I'm better able to deal with them.

 

Our fight gravitated into shouting match. It gravitated into her saying what poor parents I and my ex-wife were, even though her son has had two accidents writing off two cars in 12 months, at least one of which was caused by booze for which he lost his license for 3 months. During that time I was supportive of both her and her son.

 

Too often I feel like I don't support my child inorder to keep my wife happy. Increasingly I keep thinking that I'm making poor choices with respect to my kids (I have a son too) for the sake of my wife. It impacts my relationship with her as I find myself becoming increasingly disconnected from her.

 

I told my daughter that this weekend someone sent her a sign early in life that if she decides to make the choice, could change her life for the better going forward if she makes positive changes. As the words were coming out of my mouth I felt that the same was being done for me.

 

I'm sad, upset for my kid, my wife and trying to make sense of everything.

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Ninjainpajamas

I'm not a parent and in my early 30's, however I know one or two things about how people of that age conduct themselves.

 

At 20, she is a not yet grown-up or an adult, especially with this kind of behavior...she still needs your guidance and structure more than just your support. Sometimes tough love is in order, and this is one of those circumstances IMO, this could cost somebodies life, even her own...and many people who get DUI's end up with another down the road...so this is a call for action and change, and you shouldn't expect her to figure that out on her own...no matter how sorry and remorseful she may feel in this moment, that isn't good enough...because as soon as this pasts and everything gets back to "normal" she's going to start flexing those muscles again and might be up to the same no good.

 

People that age think it won't be them, or they won't be caught, or they blame something else for it..."stupid cop was being an @sshole", "I wouldn't have caught if it wasn't for X or X"...so you need to make sure she takes responsibility for this and is entirely accountable and learns from it.

 

So on one hand I can see how your wife is disappointed if you're simply coddling her behavior and bad decision making, essentially your behavior might be telling her "It's ok, I already forgive you for this" when right now it's about consequences...which let's be honest, it's to an extent "normal" for people that age to do crap like that...I've seen a lot of people do it and at the end of the day not get caught...but I've seen some get caught as well...however you know that in your mind but don't treat the situation like that...it doesn't make it right.

 

I think since she's in your care she needs to feel the consequences, not just with the law but at home...she needs to know that you are "extremely disappointed" with her behavior and she's going to lose some privileges that are lent by you...maybe in the financial department in her having a vehicle and such, the pressure and consequences should fall on her shoulders...maybe not entirely but much more so than before for this behavior since it sounds like she does depend on you.

 

The law is pretty strict about DUI's, she's going to have to pay a lot of money, spend time going to classes for quite a while if it's anything like I seen people in California go through, she's definitely going to learn from that experience...it doesn't mean it prevent stupid behavior when she's not thinking of the consequences in the future until after the fact...I've seen a lot of people say "I'll never do it again"....do it again.

 

I don't know how poor of parents you are or not, but there seems to be a lack of discipline and often times with divorcees I see the dynamic influenced and change because there is a power struggle between the divorced parents now and that takes precedence over what is best for the child...try to keep your child's best interest at heart and in the right context, try not to let the ex-wife influence your behavior...for example just because she's the one that isn't around doesn't mean you are solely the support role....you also have to offer some guidance and be firm when needed.

 

I think your current wife needs to accept that you're going to discipline your own child as needed (as you should), and she needs to respect that relationship or she's only going to make things worse...you need to tell her where the line is drawn and where her opinion is needed and helpful because she sounds like she can be a bit overbearing to say the least, even if she has a point or is right in some context.

 

Direct conflict with your wife will lead to a battle as she sounds emotional, you need to just walk away from those conversations or there needs to be a line of mutual respect...then talk about them when things are calm or even write them out...she's probably going to do more to win an argument with sheer stubbornness than actually listen...but you need to communicate those boundaries and have distinct lines of where you can express your opinion and what is between you and your own children. Because the judgement and criticism will only lead to conflict, not a stable relationship....so you have to figure out some kind of system out of mutual respect....but you need to be strong enough to enforce that...I'm concerned you might be too much of a push over and avoid confrontation/conflict.

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I agree with many of your comments. I am extreemly disappointed in my daughter and have told her that, running through all of the possible things that could have happened. This event will change the course of her life, there is simply no getting around that.

 

My wife seems to be using this latest event to escalate her negative comments towards my kid. She has said some very hateful things about her and crossed the line many times. As I deal with this issue I need her support, not her opinions. Tonight when I said that too her she launched into a round of very negative comments towards me while at the same time trying to turn the entire issue around to her and the impact on her in some strange narcissistic way.

 

I'm beginning to realize that I tiptoe around my wife all the time and never mention my kids, my family or any issue that may be bothering me outside of our marriage for fear of her negative comments towards me, my kids or anything that I may find important.

 

I'll vent a little more. Anytime she see's me with a glass of wine or a beer she goes on at length about my drinking habits. Now, it is very rare for me to have even one glass of wine a week. Simply don't enjoy it anymore. Tonight, while I was on the phone with my daughter (she lives in another city) I had a glass of wine. This caused my wife to launch into an attack on how much I drink. However, this Christmas she gave me an expensive bottle of wine and fancy cork screws. Tonight I gave her the wine and cork screws back and told her how foolish it was to buy that for me given the way she feels.

 

She is always looking for a compliment but gives none. Not even the smallest pat on the back. If I do something that is clearly a good thing to do, she takes all the credit of teaching me. She can turn on a dime with respect to emotions. She's used sex as a carrot or punishment so many times that I don't really enjoy it much on the odd time we have it. I don't really trust her as a result of a few lies she's told me over the past few years. And honestly, I don't think for a moment that she has my back or thinks of me first in any way.

 

She said my daughter was a narcissist. When I read about it, it discribed my wife to the detail. She mentioned that her own mother was an extreem narcissist, and when I asked if she felt she had any simular traits she came back at me with a personal attack so I never mentioned it again.

 

Sorry for the vent on here. I don't honestly know if it is my fault we fight all the time, if I'm a total screw-up of a husband and partner or what. Half the time I have no idea what she's even upset about, just that I upset her in some way.

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I hope you don't pay your daughters fees or fix her car and/or problems.

 

She won't learn that actions have consequences if you fix any of it.

 

If you don't enjoy your wife - you know what's best for you.

 

But don't take away the lesson your daughter can learn from her bad behavior.

 

Did you bail her out of jail or did you let her stay there until she was released and charged?

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Ninjainpajamas
I agree with many of your comments. I am extreemly disappointed in my daughter and have told her that, running through all of the possible things that could have happened. This event will change the course of her life, there is simply no getting around that.

 

As long as you handle that in a constructive way with your daughter I don't think it's much of a concern to your wife..I would handle that as an entirely separate issue, I understand that husband and wife work through things and share as a couple, but in these situations were the child was from a previous marriage/woman and at your daughters current age I think that is primarily between you, your daughter and ex-wife.

 

My wife seems to be using this latest event to escalate her negative comments towards my kid. She has said some very hateful things about her and crossed the line many times. As I deal with this issue I need her support, not her opinions. Tonight when I said that too her she launched into a round of very negative comments towards me while at the same time trying to turn the entire issue around to her and the impact on her in some strange narcissistic way.

 

I think that's exactly what it is...a hidden resentment, maybe even a jealousy of how you are with your daughter. She's saying those hurtful things to spite you, and she's crossing into territory like crossing the line from her own personal life/upbringing, she sounds like she grew up in an abusive/dysfunctional childhood and I don't imagine she really knows how to communicate rather than fight...emotionally.

 

I think she's trying to push your buttons and also knows how to get to you, I think that is the basis for a lot of those statements, this in short is a greater issue than just your daughter...your wife seems unhappy, bitter, resentful and very angry as a person.

 

She's not really talking about thy issue, she's basically starting a fight because of some deeper/internal more personal problem. She sounds unhappy, her reaction isn't relevant to the situation at hand alone.

 

I'm beginning to realize that I tiptoe around my wife all the time and never mention my kids, my family or any issue that may be bothering me outside of our marriage for fear of her negative comments towards me, my kids or anything that I may find important.

 

I'll vent a little more. Anytime she see's me with a glass of wine or a beer she goes on at length about my drinking habits. Now, it is very rare for me to have even one glass of wine a week. Simply don't enjoy it anymore. Tonight, while I was on the phone with my daughter (she lives in another city) I had a glass of wine. This caused my wife to launch into an attack on how much I drink. However, this Christmas she gave me an expensive bottle of wine and fancy cork screws. Tonight I gave her the wine and cork screws back and told her how foolish it was to buy that for me given the way she feels.

 

It's good you're talking about these things and writing them out, I think it's easier to put together your thoughts and feelings about an issue when you write it out rather than verbalize it.

 

I think her behavior is typical of someone with lot of internal pain and unhappiness, I think that's why you're getting the back and forth behavior and to you it's nonsensical, but it's not about making sense for her, she's simply reacting...it's about handling the good and bad emotions for her...she acts within the spectrum of whatever emotion she is dealing with at that time, she's self-destructive and will also take you down with her since you're her husband and the person there...anyone else who gets in her way I'm sure she'd rundown too.

 

She is always looking for a compliment but gives none. Not even the smallest pat on the back. If I do something that is clearly a good thing to do, she takes all the credit of teaching me. She can turn on a dime with respect to emotions. She's used sex as a carrot or punishment so many times that I don't really enjoy it much on the odd time we have it. I don't really trust her as a result of a few lies she's told me over the past few years. And honestly, I don't think for a moment that she has my back or thinks of me first in any way.

 

She sounds like she needs a lot of support and encouragement herself, which is why I sense the resentment is so strong in her...but I don't think she's capable of communicating that and she sounds like she has issues with vulnerability and being "wrong" as well...her stubbornness will be a hard habit to kick, it's her defense mechanism to protecting her own vulnerabilities.

 

You have to be careful how selfish she is willing to be in her own state of mind...I think you've tolerated way too much, you have to realize that she chooses you partly because you tolerate it and are essentially her emotional punching bag...you try to support and understand her but you're missing the overall picture of who she really is and what her struggles and issues are...without knowing that you're basically in the dark, but I've thrown you a few bones to understand her better...you have to be careful with her because she can be your best friend or greatest enemy if you exploit her vulnerabilities.

 

You have to be able to put your foot down and draw the line, for your own self respect or she will push and push and walk all over you.

 

She said my daughter was a narcissist. When I read about it, it discribed my wife to the detail. She mentioned that her own mother was an extreem narcissist, and when I asked if she felt she had any simular traits she came back at me with a personal attack so I never mentioned it again.

 

Your daughter is her competition for attention, she's trying to get her own needs met...she is not going to admit fault or that she was basically calling the kettle black...but she's taken issues from her own mother and likely in many ways relates to your daughter in some ways (at least in her own mind - may not be a reality) she will manifest this object of contention to fight over...that's how she's used to living, she needs therapy for her issues, they seem to be dominating her life.

 

Sorry for the vent on here. I don't honestly know if it is my fault we fight all the time, if I'm a total screw-up of a husband and partner or what. Half the time I have no idea what she's even upset about, just that I upset her in some way.

 

I'm sure you do some things wrong, and some things right...but you didn't necessarily need to do anything at all to get the kind of treatment she's dishing out on you, these are her own issues...were there before you, will be there after you if that was the case.

 

You're not directly upsetting her all the time, but she's going to find reasons that you are if she's unhappy. When she's not getting her needs met, she's going to attack you, you're the punching bag, you're the husband...I know it irks a lot of people when I say this, but what do you think a lot of women want to marry for? you're there to fulfill some need of theirs (doesn't mean you will) deal with some issue (doesn't mean you can) and they're perfectly fine in doing so because that's what you're there for, and they don't want to deal with their issues alone...it's better to be in a relationship.

Edited by Ninjainpajamas
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hitting a parked car turns into a domestic version of WW3? ffs, your wife "crosses the line many times" just stop discussing your daughter with her then, if she says stuff, just smile but inwardly resolve to forget it, part of me thinks she sees your daughter's young radiant friends as competition and this is how the line-crossing manifests, sorry but I see plain dislike from her to your daughter, she is bitching at her

Edited by darkmoon
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I

My wife is almost angry with any support I give her...saying what poor parents I and my ex-wife were...Too often I feel like I don't support my child inorder to keep my wife happy. Increasingly I keep thinking that I'm making poor choices with respect to my kids (I have a son too) for the sake of my wife. It impacts my relationship with her as I find myself becoming increasingly disconnected from her...My wife seems to be using this latest event to escalate her negative comments towards my kid. She has said some very hateful things about her and crossed the line many times...I'm beginning to realize that I tiptoe around my wife all the time and never mention my kids, my family or any issue that may be bothering me outside of our marriage for fear of her negative comments towards me, my kids or anything that I may find important.

 

The above comments are very, very concerning. It's horrible :( I am sorry you are going through this, and your writing is almost dripping with pain. I feel for you.

 

Your daughter is still young, and seems to be going through a rough patch. She needs help, support and guidance.

 

You do not need to live in fear of your wife. Stepping on eggshells constantly will erode your mental health. Nothing should come between you and your children, especially your own wife! Please re-read your own posts. This is not sustainable - you do NOT need to live like this. You deserve happiness.

 

Consider marriage counselling, and please, please set some firm boundaries with your wife re: her comments about your child immediately. Enforce your right to be respected, and for your children to be respected. Perhaps tell your wife that you are seriously unhappy, and even write out something similar to what you have written here and give it to her to read? If her behaviour continues as is, I would seriously consider divorce. You are receiving the opposite of support from your partner - this is not a healthy or fulfilling relationship, and it will be damaging for you. Please take steps toward getting it to a healthy place, or leave to be healthy on your own.

 

Good luck <3

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Your daughter is an adult. She will handle these things that come up as her own problems - that's how we learn to problem solve.

 

Are you communicating with your wife about how you feel regarding her resentments toward you/your daughter?

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I feel guilty for what seems like a bashing session.* She’s got some very good qualities or I wouldn’t have married her in the first place.* I like her spark and tenaciousness, but I just don’t like when a good time turns sour or when she goes into bashing my family.* She’s got a couple of good kids, but when all I hear is how great they are and how crappy mine is, I become resentful of the kids for no fault of theirs.* Each time there is something amiss with my kids or relationship with my ex-wife she tells me that she didn’t sign on for this, but she insists on being kept in the loop.* I don’t tell her a whole lot anymore for fear of comments that come back and that has caused us to drift apart and be less partners and close.

*

The comment above that mentioned her past is probably a big factor.* She has no relationship with two of three siblings and a strained relationship with her dad whom she rarely see’s.* She was estranged from her mom when she died.* Stories she tells of her past are not the happiest so I expect she has a lot of pain.* To the outside world she has a reputation of being a ray of sunshine, which I sometimes see at home.* Sometimes though she is just a miserable old woman looking to use me as an emotional (sometimes physical) punching bag.*

*

When I think of her past and emotional pain I feel empathy for her and that makes things easier to bare, and not push back.* But is that a normal relationship?* This morning I apologized to her for overacting, she didn’t say a thing to me on the drive to work.* Even as a write this I find I’m less upset by her and tolerance takes over.* But I know that there is a huge barrier that I’ve put up that prevents me from becoming too emotionally attached.* It is compounded by my own self-esteem issues.

*

I did go to a councillor.* Just me though.* I’m sure she would have gone if I pressed it, but our marriage issues have always been said to be a result of my behavior and issues, so her going would have only added another element that I didn’t think was worth it.* As I said, I have my own self esteem issues, came from a family that was quite negative about things, and have caught myself being passive aggressive.* I’ve spent a lot of effort to try and change those things and think that I’ve made improvements.* I’m not sure I went about it the right way though, I may be a better husband outside but don’t feel so good inside, lost my spark.

*

Regarding leaving my wife.* I’ve been there before with my first wife and that is so tough to do.* I’m a middle-aged guy, and I know how I felt the first time I got a divorced, damaged goods. *As someone said, sometimes being with anyone as long as it is bearable is better than alone and looking.* That being said, I have thought about an opportunity for a work transfer to a city that my wife does not want to move to, that would be closer to one of my kids.* A few weeks ago after a fight I went so far as to look at real estate.*

*

I do keep coming back to maybe it is me the is the problem and there is behaviors that I can change that will make things better.* I do wish I could sit down with her and have a calm conversation about this stuff and both recommit to each other and work together to build a better relationship, but I don’t see that happening as it is all my fault it seems.

*

Thanks for listening.

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Taking a transfer for a job in the city is also passive/aggressive, no?

 

IF you intend to move - be honest with your wife as to why you want to move.

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DaisyLeigh1967

20 most certainly IS an adult. You can vote, sign contracts and fight for your country at 20, at least in the USA.

 

There is too much information out there about drunk driving, to claim someone didn't know better.

 

I was going to college, working and paying my own way at 20. So were my parents and grandparents. When did childhood stretch into your 20's? Ridiculous. We are not talking about a 15 year old here, or a 12 year old.

 

I have no sympathy whatsoever for drunk drivers. Thank God she did not kill someone, or a whole family. I hope you don't pay her legal fees or for the damage she did to another person's property. Make her deal with it like the adult she is.

 

As far as your wife, that is a different matter. She sounds like a peach. Why are you still with her?

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Untouchable_Fire

Ouch. I've been in your exact situation. After years I felt like a coyote in a trap ready to chew off my own leg to get out.

 

There is no fixing a woman with issues that deep. Is she controlling? Does she cut out any relationship in her life she can't control?

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Sounds like your wife and daughter are in competition for your attention. Did it ever occur to you that your daughter is doing these things to compete for you? What is your daughter's opinion of her step-mother?

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I have no intention on helping my daughter with any of her fines or legal fees. She is on her own for that. She does live away from home and up until this weekend seemed to be doing better than her selfish past. Not great but better, there was some light.

 

I have no idea if my wife and daughter are competing for my attention. If they are they are really sucking at their approach.

 

My wife is controlling and if she can't control a situation generally ends the situation or relationship, whether personal or professional. I have no doubt that she is thinking of ending this one many times. She has told me that no man has ever left her and many wanted back.

 

If she looks inward at herself she has never mentioned it to me or showed any outward signs of remorse. We've been married 3 years and I have never heard her say sorry to me for anything.

 

She has a email buddy whom she has known for years and she apparently met once. He lives on the other side of the country. When I first met her I saw an email from his wife asking her to stay away. He has used a few names and actually had a couple of facebook accounts. I have asked that she not contact him but have seen a few emails as resent as Christmas when he sent a picture of himself. She has denyed any correspondance or blammed me for pushing her away. Not sure if he's still married but I emailed him at Christmas and told him to be a man and leave my wife alone.

 

A year ago I found she had openned a second facebook account but had blocked me. She claimed it was to put pictures of one of her do-gooder trips to Africa on it. Didn't believe her. Those are where my trust issues come.

 

It makes me angry that she puts herself so high above me and most people but yet does things like that.

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I'd get a key logger for her computer... See exactly what she's up to.

 

Collect evidence - or she's likely to deny any wrongs she may be participating in.

 

But really - if you resent her for all these things - there would be no love lost if you just ended it now. Maybe this time you will end it before she does and break her streak.

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Here’s the deal with women:

 

When it comes to a relationship with a man, they don’t like other women around.

 

This is a hard-wired, primitive, largely-unconscious response.

 

And unfortunately step-daughter’s fall into this category just as easily as a ‘too-friendly’ female co-worker does.

 

Truly, it’s remarkable to me. I mean, the step-daughter can be a little 8 year-old girl… and this bitter, petty, jealously can still emerge easily. And the new wife gets jealous of the attention the daughter is given.

 

To your wife, your daughter is the ‘other woman’ hanging around you.

 

And if you are attentive and ‘feel’ the energy your wife gives off as it concerns your daughter, I’m sure you will note that there is nothing even remotely MOTHERLY or Sisterly about it. It is not good-natured, kind, understanding, forgiving, or wise.

 

It is nasty, entirely negative, and ungenerous. I’m sure she has no interest in you giving your daughter ANY support, (emotional, financial, etc). She is probably incapable of desiring you give it.

 

But here’s the thing:

 

You CHOSE to be a father.

 

You CHOSE to have your daughter.

 

She didn’t ask to be born.

 

You have a tremendous duty to support her, and not withhold the affection or attention that you feel you should give her simply because you fear your wife’s reaction.

 

Your wife’s emotions regarding this matter are some of the ‘lower, baser’ human emotions, they are not the best we are capable of…and you should not be indulging them by acquiescing to them.

 

To do so is to be a coward and a very poor father to your daughter.

 

Furthermore, your relationship to your daughter needs to be kept WHOLLY separate from your relationships with your wife. She is not HER CHILD. She is YOUR CHILD.

 

Her opinions and approval regarding your relationship with your daughter are inappropriate and I think you would be well served to establish some strict boundaries between these two relationships.

 

You need to not seek your wife’s opinion regarding how you raise your daughter. And she needs to not offer it.

 

Because the bottom-line, which I’m sure you will recognize if you just think about it for a moment is that:

 

Your wife can not and does not really wish your daughter well.

 

But you do.

 

So she needs to just butt out. You need to make sure this happens.

 

Good Luck

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Your wife lacks compassion and understanding. She also seems to have not clicked with your daughter aka her step daughter. And I'm sure it goes both ways.

 

Bottom line is, your kid is your kid and that's never going to change. You do what you can to help them out, love and support them, guide them - You can't shut your daughter out - She needs you more now than ever. Just my 2 cents, you make her pay back every single dollar if you help her out. She gets help and goes to counseling, does community service - whatever the judge orders her to do, she will do but you always have her back. If your wife can't get that and won't support your decision or be a part of it, then exclude her from it all.

 

Your daughter did a DUI and she's damn lucky she didn't kill/hurt herself or anybody else. It is a wake up call, she's a young adult now, not a young teen learning the ropes in life.

 

I'm sorry that you're all going through this, the stress level must be high.

 

How about family counseling? That could help and some honest conversations can take place. Your wife and your daughter must learn to respect one another and learn to trust one another too. That's not there and hopefully in time they can build a friendship based on mutual respect and boundaries.

 

 

She has a email buddy whom she has known for years and she apparently met once. He lives on the other side of the country. When I first met her I saw an email from his wife asking her to stay away. He has used a few names and actually had a couple of facebook accounts. I have asked that she not contact him but have seen a few emails as resent as Christmas when he sent a picture of himself. She has denyed any correspondance or blammed me for pushing her away. Not sure if he's still married but I emailed him at Christmas and told him to be a man and leave my wife alone.

 

You and your wife need to solve this problem and it is a problem. Your wife has issues that have nothing to do with you and she's selfish for sure. Fact that she won't apologize or own anything and has control issues too, that's not good at all. Sorry you may love her a lot but this marriage is falling apart by the seams on all levels.

Edited by whichwayisup
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Don't fix your daughters problems for her. She needs to do it for herself. As for the wife, she's hitting below the belt. I don't even know why I mean what was she hoping to get out of saying these things to you?

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My daughter comes first. I love her very much and she is a good person despite this latest stupid thing she did. She will be an even better person as she goes through this.

 

As for my wife. I'm not totally sure what to do. She too is a good person and maybe I just don't bring the best out in her. I sometimes am not the easiest person to live with and maybe things that I do take her back to her past. We don't communicate well at all. When we first met that was our strong point but over the past few years that has diminished.

 

If she only openned up and work with me to build our marriage I think things would be better. Purposely keeping me thinking that I'm the cause of everything wrong does not seem right and really makes this experience unpleasant for me. But I think that I'm correct in saying that someone with past insecurities and control issues is not going to open up as long as there is fighting going on. Maybe my challenge is to put myself aside until she feels comfortable, as someone put it, smile and keep everything on the inside or write it down for a while.

 

Lots to think about. I really appreciate the comments and insights here. Thank you for taking the time to respond.

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She is an abusive person and most likely a cheater [emotionally at least].

 

I would say more, but i will end it with this note.

Go into IC [good one] and start reading up on Personality Disorders; we all have some of the requirements to qualify for one to some degree or another, but in her these are rather strong from your descriptions.

You, well ... you are an enabler, which is the most fertile ground possible for an abuser.

I'll send you a PM with some information.

 

You need perspective right now, and an open mind.

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My daughter comes first. I love her very much and she is a good person despite this latest stupid thing she did. She will be an even better person as she goes through this.

 

As for my wife. I'm not totally sure what to do. She too is a good person and maybe I just don't bring the best out in her. I sometimes am not the easiest person to live with and maybe things that I do take her back to her past. We don't communicate well at all. When we first met that was our strong point but over the past few years that has diminished.

 

If she only openned up and work with me to build our marriage I think things would be better. Purposely keeping me thinking that I'm the cause of everything wrong does not seem right and really makes this experience unpleasant for me. But I think that I'm correct in saying that someone with past insecurities and control issues is not going to open up as long as there is fighting going on. Maybe my challenge is to put myself aside until she feels comfortable, as someone put it, smile and keep everything on the inside or write it down for a while.

 

Lots to think about. I really appreciate the comments and insights here. Thank you for taking the time to respond.

 

Pretending to be happy when your not is very self destructive internally. I don't recommend that.

 

Get honest with your wife. Tell her how this makes you feel and address her communicating with the other guy in secrecy.

 

Best to bring your issues into the open and discuss them honestly so that you two can either work through what bothers you or make a determination that this isn't working for you.

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My daughter comes first. I love her very much and she is a good person despite this latest stupid thing she did. She will be an even better person as she goes through this.

 

As for my wife. I'm not totally sure what to do. She too is a good person and maybe I just don't bring the best out in her. I sometimes am not the easiest person to live with and maybe things that I do take her back to her past. We don't communicate well at all. When we first met that was our strong point but over the past few years that has diminished.

 

If she only openned up and work with me to build our marriage I think things would be better. Purposely keeping me thinking that I'm the cause of everything wrong does not seem right and really makes this experience unpleasant for me. But I think that I'm correct in saying that someone with past insecurities and control issues is not going to open up as long as there is fighting going on. Maybe my challenge is to put myself aside until she feels comfortable, as someone put it, smile and keep everything on the inside or write it down for a while.

 

Lots to think about. I really appreciate the comments and insights here. Thank you for taking the time to respond.

 

I don't agree with your strategy. You have already been a punching bag for her and continuing to be one isn't going to change anything. As a husband, you are entitled to a considerate and respectful wife.

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Today I tried to talk with my wife, just to break the ice as she's not talked to me for a couple of days now. She's generally tough to talk to as she never lets you get a point out if it may not go the way she wants. So I reverted to an email. Kind of chicken but it was the only way I could get a complete thought out.

 

I thought it was a nice email. I assured her that I was supportive and was there for her. I talked about a few points that were mentioned here, specifically that she may be hurting and has past pain points. And that maybe I was her outlet for some of those issues. I told her that I was still her despite it all, and that I would be here but wanted to work together in the marriage rather than the issues falling on me.

 

She responded by saying that she wanted to be treated in loving way. That she didn't have any unresolved issues and that I was the cause of all her pain. Mmmm, basically word for word what has been said in the past.

 

This time I responded by saying that I agreed with her. She should be treated well in the marriage, and so should I. That we both had the right to be happy in the marriage and to expect the other person not to take that away. That I was no longer going to accept that I'm the root cause of everything that is wrong in our marriage. And that we both have choices to stay and make it better or go and make it better. She didn't like me standing up to her. She feels hurt and is still no longer talking to me.

 

But, I'm okay with that. I stood my ground and by writing it down in an email it cemented my thoughts. I read the email over and over again and felt good about what I wrote.

 

The message was clear. I have been there for you, will continue to be there for you, will continue to change and improve to make the marriage better, but expect you to do the same and won't accept anything less.

 

Now, if I were a beating man I'd figure she planning her exit. Accepting and seeing me as her equal is not in her cards. She's never worked with anyone who's stood up to her so I'm not holding my breath on this one either.

 

And I'm okay either way. I've made a lot of mistakes over the years and think I've learned from them, and I figure that I will make more. The clarity that I got from comments on here certainly validated that I'm not crazy.

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