unsureandunhappy Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 I've been with my husband for over a year, committed and living together. We got married almost two months ago. One of the things I've liked about him is that he has more sexual experience and seems to know more about it than I do. One negative aspect of this has been that he reads about sex a lot and thinks "what if". He enjoys being in a monogamous relationship with me because he gets to have my full attention and all my energy. However, he's casually brought up opening up our relationship sexually to other and I've said no, I wasn't ready for that. I feel like that's something you start up once you, the initial couple, is super solid with each other and in a good place. Last night he brought up opening up the relationship as an ultimatum. After over a year together of having frequent, passionate sex he has to be able to have sex with other women to stay married to me. Basically he feels he's in a better place personally because of being in a relationship with me up to this point, and if he hit the dating pool as he is now he'd do much better than before. Meaning he'd rather be having regular sex with a skinny girl, which in his mind is "better" than me. He wants to maintain all the comforts of our situation while pursuing other people himself sexually. Today he's proposed staying together until our lease is up in a year while trying out an open relationship. I don't necessarily feel right now like he's a safe person to invest in that has my best interest in mind because his entire approach to this discussion has seemed selfishly focused. I don't feel I have any guarantee that after he finds a "new, better" gal to have sex with and a larger income to survive without me (thanks to my help by literally filling out applications with essay questions for him) that he won't leave me in the lurch on an expensive apartment on my own. Plus his family is local and it feels futile to invest in them and try to make a life where I'm located when I have no family here myself if our marriage has an expiration date. Should I click into self preservation mode and try to move back near my family and find a home for me and my two dogs? Or try to make things work with someone who last night told me his wedding vows "felt hollow" and today has a renewed motivation to make it work now that all his stuff is out in the open? Can an open marriage work if only one person is doing it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author unsureandunhappy Posted January 21, 2014 Author Share Posted January 21, 2014 (edited) Sorry about all of the typos and such, I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. I should also mention that I'm the exact weight I was when he first met me. He knew what he was marrying, and I'm not a skinny girl. Edited January 21, 2014 by unsureandunhappy Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 If you are into this, fine, but I don't think you are. One of the marriage vows includes "forsaking all others". I would never agree to this. If my husband brought it up & wouldn't take hell no for an answer, I'd be on the phone to a divorce attorney & out of the house before the day was over. He LIED to you. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 I've been with my husband for over a year, committed and living together. We got married almost two months ago. One of the things I've liked about him is that he has more sexual experience and seems to know more about it than I do. One negative aspect of this has been that he reads about sex a lot and thinks "what if". He enjoys being in a monogamous relationship with me because he gets to have my full attention and all my energy. However, he's casually brought up opening up our relationship sexually to other and I've said no, I wasn't ready for that. I feel like that's something you start up once you, the initial couple, is super solid with each other and in a good place. Last night he brought up opening up the relationship as an ultimatum. After over a year together of having frequent, passionate sex he has to be able to have sex with other women to stay married to me. Basically he feels he's in a better place personally because of being in a relationship with me up to this point, and if he hit the dating pool as he is now he'd do much better than before. Meaning he'd rather be having regular sex with a skinny girl, which in his mind is "better" than me. He wants to maintain all the comforts of our situation while pursuing other people himself sexually. Today he's proposed staying together until our lease is up in a year while trying out an open relationship. I don't necessarily feel right now like he's a safe person to invest in that has my best interest in mind because his entire approach to this discussion has seemed selfishly focused. I don't feel I have any guarantee that after he finds a "new, better" gal to have sex with and a larger income to survive without me (thanks to my help by literally filling out applications with essay questions for him) that he won't leave me in the lurch on an expensive apartment on my own. Plus his family is local and it feels futile to invest in them and try to make a life where I'm located when I have no family here myself if our marriage has an expiration date. Should I click into self preservation mode and try to move back near my family and find a home for me and my two dogs? Or try to make things work with someone who last night told me his wedding vows "felt hollow" and today has a renewed motivation to make it work now that all his stuff is out in the open? Can an open marriage work if only one person is doing it? My immediate instinct would be to hear him out, listen to his rationale, try to see things from his PoV, consider his line of thinking carefully, then gracefully drape his penis and testicles around his neck, before hitting him upside the head with a baseball bat. he hasn't just thought now, that his vows felt hollow,. he felt that when he made them. he is a deceitful potential cheat and a liar to boot, and is taking dreadful advantage of what he perceives your affections to be, in order to secure his way. If he had not wanted to get married - and make those vows - and stick with them, remaining faithful - then he had every opportunity to say so and go into reverse gear. What the hell does he think marriage is? Regardless of his perception of you, he is disrespectful and frankly, as shallow as a sidewalk puddle. And I'm sorry if that sounds rude, but I'm sure the puddle will forgive the negative comparison. You have every right to walk, and personally, I recommend you do. In answer to your final question, the answer is an emphatic No. One person cannot love, work and commit, for two. A relationship is a 50-50 thing, with both parties giving 100% of themselves. If one (him) only gives 10% (and that sounds generous) you cannot make up his 90% shortfall as well as working with your own 100%..... 18 Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 This kind of talk less than 2 MONTHS!!!##@@ after the wedding? I agree with Tara, this was a deliberate and reckless act on his part. He wants to be married so he can have a cosigner for his apartment, cook/maid, and sex partner with nightly availability. I hope you're not on the lease so you can just move out and move on. After such a short marriage, I'd focus on severing legal ties in the quickest way possible. There's nothing here to try to recover or restore. He's a sexual user, plain and simple. NOTE: It's not really his sexual desires that bother me; it's the way he concealed them from you, created a legal tie on false pretenses which will cost you money to undo, and then sprang his self-serving plan on you when he thought he had you trapped. Slavery has been abolished so go set yourself free! 12 Link to post Share on other sites
Author unsureandunhappy Posted January 21, 2014 Author Share Posted January 21, 2014 Tara he actually said he felt hollow saying the words on our wedding day. And I definitely did give him a zillion chances to change his mind right up until the night before the wedding. I kept that a running conversation, and he told me he lied to me because he didn't want to have to move back in with his parents. Solemate unfortunately I am on the lease. I also have two dogs that I've had for years and they tend to prevent me from being a good candidate as a cheap roommate where I just have a room in the house. Hopefully I can figure something out. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 Don't let him pressure you into an open relationship. That is not healthy for a marriage, and usually leads to problems in the marriage or resentment by one of the partners. This guy never should have gotten married in the first place. He has/had no intention of being monogamous. If he misled you to believe that he was going to be monogamous, and after two months of marriage, pulls this sh*t, then you need to stand firm with him and tell him that this is not what you want for your marriage, and if he does not intend to be monogamous, then it's time to discuss divorce. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 Tara he actually said he felt hollow saying the words on our wedding day. That would have been his 'new necklace' day..... And I definitely did give him a zillion chances to change his mind right up until the night before the wedding. I kept that a running conversation, and he told me he lied to me because he didn't want to have to move back in with his parents. So he is both selfish and manipulative to boot.... Jeesh honey - what a catch! pardon me for asking but whyTF did you actually marry him?? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 Tara he actually said he felt hollow saying the words on our wedding day. And I definitely did give him a zillion chances to change his mind right up until the night before the wedding. I kept that a running conversation, and he told me he lied to me because he didn't want to have to move back in with his parents. Solemate unfortunately I am on the lease. I also have two dogs that I've had for years and they tend to prevent me from being a good candidate as a cheap roommate where I just have a room in the house. Hopefully I can figure something out. Get an annulment if possible. Sorry but it seems getting married was a mistake. You deserve a man who is going to love and adore you, treat you with care and respect. Your husband is NOT husband material for you! Never should have walked down that aisle and said I DO. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyLeigh1967 Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 He is full of *****! I mean so full of it. Hell, he doesn't even want to work it sounds like. A grown ass man has to have someone fill out applications for him? Sounds SO much like a guy I knew a couple of years ago, if I didn't know he was not married but shacking up, I would swear it was the same guy. This guy thinks he is so hot he is steaming if you throw water on him. The type of women he will be able to get will be people with no self esteem, or those who have no cares on who they F. I would not have sex with him again, or you might catch an STD. In fact, I will bet that he has already slept around on you. I would get an STD panel done now and I would not let him near me. You have been used my dear and now he is off to find another sugar mama. Please please save your sanity, and your heart, and get out. Move back and divorce or anul this marriage. I personally hope it falls off next time he sticks it in some other woman. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Eivuwan Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 Short term pain is better than long term pain. Ditch him. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 Wow, your husband is not a very nice man sorry to say! Leave him, he doesn't deserve a girl as nice as you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 I am probably the most supportive person of open marriage/swinging etc on this site. I have two reccomendations. First one is for tomorrow get a lawyer and start working on the divorce ASAP. Then Thursday find a competant therapist and start working with him/her to help determine why you have such low self worth that you would even associate with someone who is so selfish an manipulative and treats you with such low regard. Therapy is going to be very important to you to try to recover some dignity an self esteem so that you do not fall prey to other manipulative narcissists like this one. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 I have no issue with open marriage - IF that is what both people want. But that isn't the case here. You'd be agreeing to it in a desperate attempt to keep him happy. You'd be selling out your own values for someone who doesn't seem to care about you that much in the first place. If going to live near your family is the best bet for getting away from this selfish man and re-building your life, then yes... do that. And know that this has nothing to do with you or how skinny you are. Even if you were built like a super model, he would still be a selfish man who shouldn't be trying to be in a monogamous relationship. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
miguelcervantes Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 Drop this entitled, hedonistic, controlling, piece of *****, scumbag asap and get yourself out of there immediately. By the way, see if you can damage him as much as possible in any way (legally) so as to try and disable him from preying on others. If there is any way to stop him from doing this and also, heaven forbid, procreating you should do it as a service to your fellow women-kind. I think you already know this and should now concentrate on the when and how not the if. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
miguelcervantes Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 Ok well advice like this might be a slippery slope though, when it comes to saying she should try to "damage" him as much as possible. I meant by exposure, getting him fired etc. Anything more would be illegal and immoral. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 I have no issue with open marriage - IF that is what both people want. But that isn't the case here. You'd be agreeing to it in a desperate attempt to keep him happy. You'd be selling out your own values for someone who doesn't seem to care about you that much in the first place. If going to live near your family is the best bet for getting away from this selfish man and re-building your life, then yes... do that. And know that this has nothing to do with you or how skinny you are. Even if you were built like a super model, he would still be a selfish man who shouldn't be trying to be in a monogamous relationship. ^^ yes ^^^^ Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 By the way, see if you can damage him as much as possible in any way (legally) so as to try and disable him from preying on others. If there is any way to stop him from doing this and also, heaven forbid, procreating you should do it as a service to your fellow women-kind. I disagree. There is no need or reason to inflict any damage or pain or repercussions on him. It would simply take up more of her time and energy and resources. Her time, energy and resources are much better spent simply getting him out of her life and moving on. Any else is just going to make her look like a dick too. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author unsureandunhappy Posted January 22, 2014 Author Share Posted January 22, 2014 Thank you to all of you who have read this post, and cared enough to write me. I agree with oldshirt that it's going to be hugely important that I get some help dealing with what happened. I will say that my mom is way better at reading people than I am, and she told me he had her completely fooled into thinking he wanted to be with me. I am a nurturing personality by nature, and it can have the unfortunate result that it attracts "users" to me. I really thought that after over a year I knew him better than this. I've been horribly duped and now have to take steps to protect myself. Someone mentioned getting things annulled, and as far as I'm aware this situation definitely qualifies for that. At least I can be grateful for that news. I'm still reeling a bit, like my life is a bad movie. I got the guts up to ask him to leave earlier this evening and find another place to stay. I already feel a difference, like being without his constant presence after how much his words hurt me will allow me to heal. It's going to take time, but I'll move forward. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
miguelcervantes Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 I am not sure about how much energy you would expend in outing him as a POS but here is what I am trying to say: You need to really understand just how bad he is - I have had the misfortune of witnessing men just like him be this manipulative with others that I care about and I have seen the destruction first hand - kind of what you are about to go through if you are not careful - it lasts a lifetime!By recognising it and calling a spade a spade, and outing him at the same time, you will definitely put a damper on things that he will almost certainly be planning with other unsuspecting women - something worth doing (energy wise)When he is older, he will even have kids that others care for while he leaves a trail of destruction behind him - narcissism, hedonism, entitlement will fuel and drive him to hurt others too. Often these people are quite clever too but only at self preservation and self gratification and of course, manipulation. These guys always prey on nurturing, caring types. I hope that you get yourself to safety asap and as I said, throw a spanner (wrench for my US friends) in his works while leaving. Link to post Share on other sites
thinkingofhim Posted January 23, 2014 Share Posted January 23, 2014 I disagree that you need to try and ruin his life somehow... he's poison, you can see it, get away from him. If other people can't, that's really not your problem. You can't tattoo @sshole on his forehead. Trying to ruin him somehow will only hurt you more... it's been a short marriage, THANKFULLY he told you flat out what a creep he is instead of continuing to lie for years. It's not your responsibility to ruin his life, it's your responsibility to be good to yourself and cut out toxic people (like him), so move on and live life well imo. Good luck xx 3 Link to post Share on other sites
chameleongirl Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 Open relationships can definitely work...but only for certain couples, and both partners have to be in full agreement. Issuing an ultimatum, to me, sounds like coercion. He's trying to force your hand to save the relationship. If he truly wants an open relationship, then maybe he's not ready for commitment, or perhaps commitment to someone who is able to accommodate multiple partners. There is also the idea of letting him know that you too could have other partners. Is that something he's thought of? If you do consider opening your relationship as an option, ask him how he would feel if you slept with someone else? Just a thought... Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 wtf is an open marriage? and why would someone get married if they still want to sleep with other people? makes zero sense. Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 I got the guts up to ask him to leave earlier this evening and find another place to stay. I already feel a difference, like being without his constant presence after how much his words hurt me will allow me to heal. It's going to take time, but I'll move forward. Well, well, good for you telling him today to find another place to stay! If your self esteem was, in fact, low, you are certainly recovering it speedily! I believe you are going to do just fine if you continue to move on in this manner! Link to post Share on other sites
India Ink Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 Doesn't your username say it all? Unsure. Unhappy. Do you like this current state of affairs? More importantly, do you think your assuredness and happiness will increase if he starts sleeping with other 'skinny' women? I think you already know what you must do, because it reads through in your post. Yes. Click into self-preservation mode. Preserve your self-respect and self-worth. Both of which will be utterly dragged through the mud if you let him sleep with other women just to 'keep him'. Please, Please LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH to know that he is NOT doing what it takes to keep YOU. I promise you, something and someone MUCH BETTER THAN THIS is out there for you...and all you have to do is simply KNOW that that's the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
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