A Wife's Sexual History

[MBrewey]

I'm a younger guy trying to figure out if I want to marry my girlfriend or not. I'd like to hear what kind of a future I'm looking at and how already married people cope.

 

I am in my mid-twenties and just had to move across the country for my job. In a few months my girlfriend will finish school and move in with me. She loves me to death and, along with my mom and both our families, asks quite frequently why I have not proposed yet.

 

She is the first and only girl I've ever been physically intimate with. I always planned on waiting until I was married to have sex. For about the five years of my life that I was seriously dating I pretty much only ran into virgins who didn't like me or people's who's sexual history I just didn't want to deal with. I eventually decided that if I just started having sex I'd stop caring so much about other people's history. So I did.

 

Had a one night stand with this girl I didn't know very well. Thought I was just going to leave it at that, like I always see in movies or hear from friends. I couldn't do that though, kept going back for more, and fell in love. I guess I have the genes of a Beta-provider.

 

Of course, her story is a little more colorful than mine, though only a little. For example, there were still condoms in her room, from the foreign tourist she entertained a couple days prior, when I gave my precious virtue (hah) away. She is younger than myself and contained her sexual history to one year, two boyfriends, and the internet-booty call with the tourist. And me.

 

Yet, it still hurts me quite frequently and deeply. Which makes me wonder how you normal humans get along. How do you still have pride/honor when other people have had been intimate with your wife or husband? I feel like I am not even near the same mindset as most people. Does everyone now a days just walk around with repressed jealousy? Do you twist it into some cuckold fantasy (as I have read about on these forums)? How do you deal with this pretty much universal fact that every seems to share their significant other with many other people?

 

I really am crying out for help and being completely honest. I guess I don't know how to think about this stuff properly. I have quite understated how much pain I feel. I'm not a bad person, I just want to stop hurting so much; if you could refrain from the four words "just get over it" I'd be much obliged. It seems like, to me, marriage would be imprudently out of the question until I have more peace.

[JThompkins]

So if I am to understand correct, your problem seems to be the fact that when you first met this girl she had a one night stand with you, while at the same time just a few days earlier she had also had sex with a different man? I just want to be sure I am understanding the issue.

 

I'm guessing you maybe feel bad because you feel like she jumped into bed too easily not just with you, but with others. I don't find it hard to feel "pride" as you say when it comes to the knowledge someone has had sex in the past. To put it another way, yes your girl had sex with other guys. However, if she wants to marry you then it is likely that sex with you has completely and utterly blown away any sex she had in the past.

 

When I say this I am not trying to suggest that you are especially talented lover or not(not my business) but what I mean is having sex with someone can feel good, but having sex with someone you feel is your soulmate will always be way more intense and enjoyable. It's essentially the difference between having sex and making love.

[Confuddled1983]

I get it. I live in a very small town and if I meet a man I know a lot of his sexual history already (gossip in this town is like an Olympic Sport!). Worse still is that I know the women involved, do I want to walk around my town with a man likely to bump into his past conquests? Not really, it makes me ask questions in my head that I don't want to know the answers to "Did they have a better body? Were they better at oral? ....".

 

On the whole it's just something that you unfortunately just have to deal with - it does get easier (IMO) as the relationship progresses. Every time you think about something to do with her sexual history do something nice for her, a massage, a pillow fight, a love note .... create your own little special memories together and the let the past stay where it is, don't drag it up into the present, it doesn't belong here.

[Cakess]

I get it that you feel this way, and you don't want people just telling you to "get over it" but...I think that's what a lot of people do when they are in love. I have one boyfriend that I haven't yet had sex with; we are both virgins, and I love him. One day I'd like to marry him, and honestly, if he wasn't a virgin, and slept with other girls before me but we are still in love and we still felt the way we do now, I wouldn't give a damn. I think that sex and love are two separate things that exist in intimacy, and maybe it would help if you just start understanding that just because she had sex with someone doesn't make her less of a person or her feelings less valid. She loves YOU, not those other men. And so IF you love her too, I think it should be easy to "get over it" with time. Besides, you're both not going to be the same people 50 years from now that you were today, so no point in dwelling in the past.

[JThompkins]

Plus be glad she was honest and open with you about these things and you did not have to find out about them many years later after you were married. Be glad you were at least given a choice, not everyone is so lucky.

Edited January 20, 2014 by JThompkins

[MBrewey]

JThomkins, thank you for your thoughtful and realistic replies. I think you are right, that I am not going to get a better deal. It is good that she has been honest with me--she is really sweet heated and guileless.

 

It just sucks thinking about how valueless she treated her body. Maybe the one night stand is a big part of my problem. This guy had a girlfriend whom he was cheating on, was overweight and not particularly good looking, but she obsessed over him for a little while after he left. At that time, she wore weird fitting clothes and would never try makeup. Now, with a little effort, she looks like a fox to me. For all three guys, it's like they thought she wasn't good enough and she agreed with them. But I think she is good enough, she is gorgeous to my eyes. I can't stand the idea of them snickering at me, the guy who would actually have some commitment for her.

 

Confuddled, that seems like a good technique. Thank you for your understanding. I noticed when I do nice things for her it makes me feel better and be more forgetful.

[JThompkins]

Well the important thing is that those other guys are scumbags and that you definitely think she IS good enough. Guys who would snicker at such things are the same types of trash who would brag about how they scored with drunk chicks they just met in some random bar.

[d0nnivain]

Even if she didn't value her body to a standard which you required, it may have simply been a childish mistake. In our oversexed society many people have sex before they are ready. You can't punish her forever for a poor decision or two see made as a young immature woman. (Well you can but it will ruin your relationship).

 

 

As long as she is virtuous & faithful to you now & in your marriage, focus on her current behavior not her past.

[janedoe67]

So you jumped in bed with her as fast as she jumped in be with you....but SHE is loose. Got it.

 

I sense a theme around here lately.

[FallingLeaves]

So you jumped in bed with her as fast as she jumped in be with you....but SHE is loose. Got it.

 

I sense a theme around here lately.

 

Hmmmm...I agree with you. Funny how all these new accounts are popping up with the same theme repeating. Like that will change our responses...

[JThompkins]

To the OP: recognize you both decided to jump each others bones before knowing each other too well. I mean hey, it worked out in the long run right? She made that choice, but don't ever forget you did as well.

[The Peanut Gallery]

Interesting thread!

 

I too, married the first man I slept with ... but he isn't the ONLY man I have slept with! Haha! AND there was no cheating involved! Anyone confused yet?

 

My husband has had about 20 women before he was with me. To this day, it makes me feel uncomfortable, and he knows it. I have told him before that it always makes me feel uneasy. The best thing he has said to me, when trying to reassure me, is that he had to get through 20 awful ones to finally find a good one! Haha!

 

More importantly, he says, "Well, if I had found you first, then there wouldn't have been anyone else!"

 

I, on the other hand, gave up my virginity to him. Much later, he broke up with me, and I had two other men in my life before we got back together for good.

 

Long story, short - I am glad I slept with two other men. Now I know I really an not missing out on ANYTHING! Like it has been said already, sex with "the one" is SO much better than just sex.

 

Just be glad that you found yours (surprise!) as soon as you did! You didn't have to go through 20 bad ones to find the best

[MBrewey]

Janedoe and fallingleaves,

 

What is the theme around here lately, what have you noticed? That sounds like a valuable insight. I certainly don't mind criticism (especially not from old people) so you don't need to be shy.

 

It is true, I am new to the forum. I have read many posts, mostly from a long time ago though.

 

Also, I never called her loose. There is nothing wrong with her. As for me, I am a pretty flawed person trying to make the best life I can for myself.

[MBrewey]

Peanut Gallery,

 

That makes me feel better better. The views on sex in these posts seem more more sophisticated and realistic than I expected. Knowing others have gone through something at lest resembling my feelings makes me feel less like an outcast.

 

I expected to be ridiculed just for thinking that sex has any consequences at all.

[Got it]

I am not understanding. The past is in the past right? How would you feel if she judged you for "how quickly you gave it up" to her as a one night stand? I mean you didn't know it would become more and you gave your virginity to a girl you barely knew.

 

I have only slept with two men in my life and married both of them (not at the same time ). My first husband, we were firsts. It was fine but I would have liked us to have had more experience.

 

My current husband has slept with maybe 7 people (I don't recall). It kind of fascinates me to hear about his past, the experiences, etc. but it doesn't make me think less of him. One was an older woman ONS. A total Mrs. Robinson experience. I have a hard time imagining me being in that situation but it doesn't make me think badly about it. Plus I have to thank the women that went before me as I am sure some of his "skillz" are due to their feedback and instruction.

 

Yes it was "weird" to be with someone that has actually had a past with others but it is just the way it is. If it is the past then it is in the past.

 

If you love her, she loves you, you respect her and vice versa. If your life is better from her existence in it then you have a darn good girl and appreciate it every day.

 

And WHO CARES what anyone else says or judges? Really you worry about those guys? They sound like real winners themselves. And you are speculating, they may have zero thoughts about her or maybe they have positive thoughts. You don't know and can't control.

 

Live in the now and stop worrying about coulda, shoulda, woulda.

[MBrewey]

I have done a lot of thinking the last few days and I realize that I had some misconceptions, to say the least, about life and love.

 

Got it, You asked why I care what those guys think? The answer to that is because I worry it was true. Aren't I a lesser man for being a good and committed lover to someone who other people treated like trash and humiliated?

 

And it was not pure speculation what other men have thought of her. I am ashamed to say I have been a bit of an obsessed archaeologist. Her previous lovers did use sex as a form of humiliation. That seems pretty common though; frequently, men seem to employ all their powers of manipulation to obtain sex from a girl just to turn around and pretend that what they were given was something worthless.

 

So am I subordinate to people who have behaved like jerks? To answer concisely, no. It took a lot of thinking, believe it or not, to figure that out though.

 

I'm not surprised if there has been a deluge of young, pissed off guys recently. There is so much disgusting writing and acting out their now which dichotomizes the world into Alpha males, winners who have sex, and Beta males, looser who have relationships after the real men have their way.

 

What I was really looking for was some healing explanation of how committed guys deal with being losers at this juvenile game. Obviously they look at the world differently and I wanted to hear how they saw it. Because when it is all said and done, I really believe marriage and family is the last best hope for fulfillment in my life. I just want to be able to look at myself in the mirror too, without feeling subordinate to the bicep-kissing peacocks.

 

I think that whole attitude of Alpha/Beta male crap comes out of some biological fear of false paternity. A guy doesn't want to spend his resources raising another guy's kids and, conversely, he thinks he is winning if he can get sex without commitment, to have some unlucky guy spend his resources. Maybe that is a rational fear in nature, but in civilization it is not. The real winners do need self-control, morals, dignity, loyalty, rationality. Marriage and relationships are tough freaking work and the people without those noble qualities may be able to initiate but not necessarily sustain a relationships. Sure, have a good time if you really want, but if you can't control yourself eventually then you are an animal better suited for nature and functionally impotent within civilization.

Edited January 22, 2014 by MBrewey

[oldshirt]

 

Got it, You asked why I care what those guys think? The answer to that is because I worry it was true. Aren't I a lesser man for being a good and committed lover to someone who other people treated like trash and humiliated?

 

 

 

 

 

So am I subordinate to people who have behaved like jerks?

 

No.

 

You need to stop reading PUA material in the Manosphere and get all this alpha/beta crap out of your head.

 

 

I get where you are coming from though and understand your concerns. You are afraid that she is in love with, attracted to and devoted to these other guys but that she is "settling" for you because she couldn't have their greatness because they walked away from her like yesterday's trash.

 

You are basically seeing her as yesterday's trash because they didn't want her and weren't willing to compete you for her and more disturbingly, you are viewing yourself as a lesser man because you are taking other men's refuse.

 

STOP THAT¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡

 

That is very flawed and dysfunctional and disorganized thinking.

 

It's this simple -some people click and hit it off and connect and others don't. You two clicked and hit it off after only one night. You both came back for more and a real relationship grew.

 

Who's the real "Alpha" here and who are the real chumps now hmmmm????? :-)

 

Who's the real Top Dog that got the girl in the end?

 

More next post.......

[miguelcervantes]

I think that the answers you seek will come from answering to the best of your ability, the following questions:

 

1. Do you love this girl ?

2. If so, why do you love this girl ? What's great about her ?

3. Might both of you be too young to be contemplating marriage ? (I don't mean age-wise but more to do with maturity).

 

If you love this girl for the right reasons and you are mature enough to recognise the good traits in each other, your original question would not matter one bit. Many young adolescent males go through something like you are going through (and I am not saying this in a derogatory manner) until they face life and mature and learn something. The unfortunate ones get married and expect all the wrong things from their wives before they have had a chance to mature. I think about 50% of these get divorced without really learning anything, another 25% learn and get mature but too late and also get divorces, and 25% manage to make it through and stay together.

 

I would focus more on your getting to really know your wife - how she handles boundaries, morals and pressure, rather than spend too much time on her (almost non-existent) past.

[Philosoraptor]

I have done a lot of thinking the last few days and I realize that I had some misconceptions, to say the least, about life and love.

 

Got it, You asked why I care what those guys think? The answer to that is because I worry it was true. Aren't I a lesser man for being a good and committed lover to someone who other people treated like trash and humiliated?

 

And it was not pure speculation what other men have thought of her. I am ashamed to say I have been a bit of an obsessed archaeologist. Her previous lovers did use sex as a form of humiliation. That seems pretty common though; frequently, men seem to employ all their powers of manipulation to obtain sex from a girl just to turn around and pretend that what they were given was something worthless.

 

So am I subordinate to people who have behaved like jerks? To answer concisely, no. It took a lot of thinking, believe it or not, to figure that out though.

 

I'm not surprised if there has been a deluge of young, pissed off guys recently. There is so much disgusting writing and acting out their now which dichotomizes the world into Alpha males, winners who have sex, and Beta males, looser who have relationships after the real men have their way.

 

What I was really looking for was some healing explanation of how committed guys deal with being losers at this juvenile game. Obviously they look at the world differently and I wanted to hear how they saw it. Because when it is all said and done, I really believe marriage and family is the last best hope for fulfillment in my life. I just want to be able to look at myself in the mirror too, without feeling subordinate to the bicep-kissing peacocks.

 

I think that whole attitude of Alpha/Beta male crap comes out of some biological fear of false paternity. A guy doesn't want to spend his resources raising another guy's kids and, conversely, he thinks he is winning if he can get sex without commitment, to have some unlucky guy spend his resources. Maybe that is a rational fear in nature, but in civilization it is not. The real winners do need self-control, morals, dignity, loyalty, rationality. Marriage and relationships are tough freaking work and the people without those noble qualities may be able to initiate but not necessarily sustain a relationships. Sure, have a good time if you really want, but if you can't control yourself eventually then you are an animal better suited for nature and functionally impotent within civilization.

You lost the game the moment you allowed people's opinions, those whom you see as immoral and beneath you, to affect your view of yourself and the world.

 

So they are all running around using women and you landed someone whom you consider to be a gorgeous fox? Why complain? Love isn't about attaching yourself to the person that everyone else wants... but finding the person you admire, adore, and want to spend your life with. Why not, instead of worrying about how someone else treated her, you show her how a man with integrity treats a woman? But if you continue to compare yourself to the scum who treated her poorly you will just sabotage your relationship and become scum yourself. Don't idolize these men and what you perceive their opinions to be... find happiness with your gorgeous fox.

[MBrewey]

You angry old ignoramuses, read and comprehend my post. Even the last paragraph, that last paragraph was pretty important. Or that part where I immediately answer the question I pose with a "No".

 

I'm glad we agree. Some parts of the further comments are uplifting and useful. No hard feelings regardless. You guys have a good message and I'm glad to you males are alive and awake now.

Edited January 22, 2014 by MBrewey

[oldshirt]

.... now to address your concern a little more. There is such a thing as an "Alpha Widow". You can look up the term but it's basically where a gall bangs some hot studs and the bar for sexual chemistry and excitement is set real high. The problem though is the guys don't stick around and she settles for some "nice guy" that provides for her and rubs her feet and buys her flowers and gifts and let's het walk on him and exploits him but she has no actual sexual desire for or satisfaction with him as heart heart belongs to the studs she had the chemistry with.

 

If had had give us a history of being her little buddy that was always there for her and always soothing her wounds and doing errands for her and buying her gifts and she finally broke down an went out with you because the supply of studs ha run out, then I'd be more concerned.

 

And I would be real concerned if you had given any indication that she was treating you disrespectfuly or was not showing you any desire or sexual chemistry.

 

But nothing you have said indicates any of that.

 

If your concern in all of this is if you are a beta chump, the deciding indicator of that is if she has sincere sexual attraction for you and respect and admiration for you or not.

 

If she is only putting out grudgingly on occasion after you have begged repeatedly and she treats you with disregard except for the Times she wants something from you, then I'd say you were her beta chump regardless of how many people either of you had been with prior.

 

But if she is treating you with dignity, respect, admiration and she genuinely shows attraction and desire for you, then it is all legit on her part, again regardless of how many people either of you had been with prior.

[oldshirt]

 

If had had give us a history of being her little buddy that was always there for her and always soothing her wounds and doing errands for her and buying her gifts and she finally broke down an went out with you because the supply of studs ha run out, then I'd be more concerned.

 

And I would be real concerned if you had given any indication that she was treating you disrespectfuly or was not showing you any desire or sexual chemistry.

 

But nothing you have said indicates any of that.

 

I also want to add that the fact she went to bed with you on the first meeting implies to me that her attraction to you is at minimum of being on par with her other hook ups.

 

I'd be more concerned of her intentions if she had no attraction or interest in you for a long time and only went out with you after completely striking out with the others.

[pteromom]

Got it, You asked why I care what those guys think? The answer to that is because I worry it was true. Aren't I a lesser man for being a good and committed lover to someone who other people treated like trash and humiliated?

 

You aren't a lesser man. You are just the right match for her. If other men treated her like trash, that has nothing to do with HER - it is that they are just users and manipulators. Guys you definitely do not want to emulate.

 

I am ashamed to say I have been a bit of an obsessed

archaeologist. Her previous lovers did use sex as a form of humiliation. That seems pretty common though; frequently, men seem to employ all their powers of manipulation to obtain sex from a girl just to turn around and pretend that what they were given was something worthless.

 

Yes they do. Don't waste your time and energy worrying about these guys or what their motivations were. Focus instead on building a happy relationship with your gf. If you are happy with her, it doesn't really matter if she was immature enough to fall for a manipulator's lies prior to you. It only matters that she got lucky this time and found someone who really cares about her.

 

So am I subordinate to people who have behaved like jerks? To answer concisely, no. It took a lot of thinking, believe it or not, to figure that out though.

 

Of course not! You are far superior to them because you are showing integrity and character, and being honest and upfront. They are just rats slinking around in back alleys looking for crumbs. Their opinions of your gf mean nothing.

 

I'm not surprised if there has been a deluge of young, pissed off guys recently. There is so much disgusting writing and acting out their now which dichotomizes the world into Alpha males, winners who have sex, and Beta males, looser who have relationships after the real men have their way.

 

The real men are the ones who are honest. You need to read less PUA crap, and more about creating a successful relationship. Honestly, nobody else in the world cares if you are an "alpha" or a "beta". The real question is - are you happy? If you are, drop the labels and just be you.

 

The only time being a "beta" is a problem is if a guy is a doormat that just grovels at a woman's feet and does her bidding without a spine of his own. But if you are being honest about what you want out of the relationship, communicating your needs, compromising but not conceding on everything, then you aren't this type of guy and there are no worries.

 

What I was really looking for was some healing explanation of how committed guys deal with being losers at this juvenile game.

 

How is the committed guy a loser? He's the WINNER. The other guys will go on using women until they either get an STD or get too old to pull chicks anymore. Or maybe they will end up settling down, and hopefully not be too bitter and cold toward love that they are unable to have a truly intimate relationship. The committed guy has not just a lover, but a friend, a companion, and a shoulder to lean on at the end of a hard day. He's the winner.

 

Because when it is all said and done, I really believe marriage and family is the last best hope for fulfillment in my life. I just want to be able to look at myself in the mirror too, without feeling subordinate to the bicep-kissing peacocks.

 

You don't have to worry about them. Everyone is different, and every person has different goals and needs in life. If you feel marriage and family is your best hope for fulfillment, it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks. They aren't with you at the end of the day when your head hits the pillow. You only have to live with yourself - so do what makes YOU happy.

 

Some people want to mess around with multiple partners. Some people just want to be alone. Some people want to travel the world. Some people want to write the next great novel. Some people want to own 20 dogs. Some people want to paint their entire home red. You don't have to think like them. They are free to live their lives as they choose, and you are free to live yours.

 

I think that whole attitude of Alpha/Beta male crap comes out of some biological fear of false paternity. A guy doesn't want to spend his resources raising another guy's kids and, conversely, he thinks he is winning if he can get sex without commitment, to have some unlucky guy spend his resources.

 

Maybe. But it's crappy stuff to waste your time thinking about, and doesn't really matter or apply to your life.

 

The real winners do need self-control, morals, dignity, loyalty, rationality. Marriage and relationships are tough freaking work and the people without those noble qualities may be able to initiate but not necessarily sustain a relationships. Sure, have a good time if you really want, but if you can't control yourself eventually then you are an animal better suited for nature and functionally impotent within civilization.

 

I agree with the first part of what you said here - the real winners are the ones with the noble qualities, and those who have those qualities have a much better chance of success in a relationship.

 

But there is room on this planet for all types of people. If a guy wants to make as many notches in his bedpost as possible, more power to him - as long as he isn't lying about his intentions to the women he beds. There are women who enjoy casual encounters too, after all.

 

Don't worry about what other people do, and don't expect them to conform to your values. Just live the life you want to live and be happy.

 

And don't call people names. I don't know if you regularly call people "ignoramus", but I will give you a bit of friendly relationship advice. Calling your gf/wife any kind of name will be a major libido killer for her in the long run, and if you want to have a happy sexually fulfilling marriage and life with her, you should always be respectful and kind to her - and everyone. Kindness may be considered "beta" by those who aren't successful in relationships, but it is an absolute necessity for a fulfilling marriage.

[oldshirt]

You aren't a lesser man. You are just the right match for her. If other men treated her like trash, that has nothing to do with HER - it is that they are just users and manipulators. Guys you definitely do not want to emulate.

 

 

 

Yes they do. Don't waste your time and energy worrying about these guys or what their motivations were. Focus instead on building a happy relationship with your gf. If you are happy with her, it doesn't really matter if she was immature enough to fall for a manipulator's lies prior to you. It only matters that she got lucky this time and found someone who really cares about her.

 

 

 

Of course not! You are far superior to them because you are showing integrity and character, and being honest and upfront. They are just rats slinking around in back alleys looking for crumbs. Their opinions of your gf mean nothing.

 

 

 

The real men are the ones who are honest. You need to read less PUA crap, and more about creating a successful relationship. Honestly, nobody else in the world cares if you are an "alpha" or a "beta". The real question is - are you happy? If you are, drop the labels and just be you.

 

The only time being a "beta" is a problem is if a guy is a doormat that just grovels at a woman's feet and does her bidding without a spine of his own. But if you are being honest about what you want out of the relationship, communicating your needs, compromising but not conceding on everything, then you aren't this type of guy and there are no worries.

 

 

 

How is the committed guy a loser? He's the WINNER. The other guys will go on using women until they either get an STD or get too old to pull chicks anymore. Or maybe they will end up settling down, and hopefully not be too bitter and cold toward love that they are unable to have a truly intimate relationship. The committed guy has not just a lover, but a friend, a companion, and a shoulder to lean on at the end of a hard day. He's the winner.

 

 

 

You don't have to worry about them. Everyone is different, and every person has different goals and needs in life. If you feel marriage and family is your best hope for fulfillment, it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks. They aren't with you at the end of the day when your head hits the pillow. You only have to live with yourself - so do what makes YOU happy.

 

Some people want to mess around with multiple partners. Some people just want to be alone. Some people want to travel the world. Some people want to write the next great novel. Some people want to own 20 dogs. Some people want to paint their entire home red. You don't have to think like them. They are free to live their lives as they choose, and you are free to live yours.

 

 

 

Maybe. But it's crappy stuff to waste your time thinking about, and doesn't really matter or apply to your life.

 

 

 

I agree with the first part of what you said here - the real winners are the ones with the noble qualities, and those who have those qualities have a much better chance of success in a relationship.

 

But there is room on this planet for all types of people. If a guy wants to make as many notches in his bedpost as possible, more power to him - as long as he isn't lying about his intentions to the women he beds. There are women who enjoy casual encounters too, after all.

 

Don't worry about what other people do, and don't expect them to conform to your values. Just live the life you want to live and be happy.

 

And don't call people names. I don't know if you regularly call people "ignoramus", but I will give you a bit of friendly relationship advice. Calling your gf/wife any kind of name will be a major libido killer for her in the long run, and if you want to have a happy sexually fulfilling marriage and life with her, you should always be respectful and kind to her - and everyone. Kindness may be considered "beta" by those who aren't successful in relationships, but it is an absolute necessity for a fulfilling marriage.

 

There is much wisdom here.

 

I also agree with laying off the PUA stuff. Much of the PUA stuff is written to make money off of people that have trouble relating interpersonally with women and it tends to have a lot of misogynistic leanings.

 

The thing I need to correct is "beta" is not weakness and weakness is not beta.

 

Beta is a set of behaviors and characteristics that foster comfort, stability and trust. It's doesnt have anything to do with tolerating mistreatment, disrespect, exploitation etc etc.

 

"Alpha" is a set of behaviors and traits that foster sexual attraction. Some of those do include things like strength, decisiveness, courage and integrity etc but it doesn't have anything to do with mistreating people or abusing them or exploiting them. Alpha is not A-hole and A-hole is not alpha.

[MBrewey]

Oldshirt, I think you mostly nailed what my fear was.

 

Petromom, you seem very nice. I think these guy's can handle a little bit of name calling though, especially when they are getting out of hand.

 

Naaaaahhhh, I don't buy that stuff about many different kinds of people and the bedpost notching and all that stuff, though. It seems to me that mostly people are fooling themselves ( I, of course, admit a guy can eventually settle down and behave after a while. Empirically that is undeniable ). I think it is a testament to how nice and accepting you are to say such a thing though. We can agree to disagree on that, maybe save it for a different thread.