markanderson Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 I and my girl friend are planning to get married. My girl friend was always with male friends since her child hood. She says she cannot get along with females. I told her that I will not accept her spending time alone with men after marriage. And this is a constant argument with each other, she thinks there is nothing wrong with it. She told me when I am busy at work she will go and hang out with her male friends. I told her after marriage this is a disaster going to happen. She said everything will be fine nothing will happen. I told her why not female friends, she says she hates women. I do not want to jeopardize my marriage if she gets in to a affair. She says this is the modern age and it is ok for a married woman to spend time alone with men. She says she believes in me that I will agree to it. I told her I will be playing with fire in our marriage and be willing to accept that fact, that the marriage will not last long. I would like to hear your views from men and women. Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 Yeah I have a good piece of advice. Don't get married because it sounds like she wants to incorporate her single life into her married life and it's going to be hard to respect any one else's boundaries when she's isn't willing to understand her future husbands concerns. You will have problems. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 People can have friends of the opposite sex, and maintain appropriate boundaries. Many do so without any problems. Others, well, not so much. I don't know your fiancée, so can't speculate about her ability to maintain those boundaries. You obviously have concerns about it. Better to not marry, because you don't own her, can't dictate to her, and she will ignore your wishes unless she willingly agrees to them. If you want to marry her, you may need to negotiate a compromise about her friends, such as meeting them all, being included in activities when you are available, and putting some restrictions on when/where she can spend time with them, etc. (e.g., in public only, always have her own transportation, do not drink too much to drive, etc.). 4 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 Do not get married. You want to control her, not love, honor & cherish her. If these guys have been her friends since childhood, if something was going to happen with them, it would have happened by now. New friends pose a bit of a different question but I think you are both being ridiculous & neither of you are exhibiting the maturity or communications skills needed to sustain a fulfilling happy marriage. I have several male friends. I spend time with them. I talk to them. I message them. I hang out with them. Both them & I made a real effort to make them friends with my husband. My relationship with my buddies has always been above board & hasn't changed since I got married. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
deathandtaxes Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 Is this the same woman from this thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/454134-divorced-man-love-search-answer#post5453180 ? OP - why oh why? This is a disaster waiting to happen. She doesn't like your daughter. You want to control who she can sees. That's just the beginning. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 Her revelation that she cannot establish and maintain healthy platonic friendships with other women would be a marked canary to myself. Essentially, she's using a woman's sexual wiles to maintain friendships with men, even though she may believe her intentions are completely honest and transparent. It's OK for a married person to have platonic friends of their sexual preference if that friend is a friend of the marriage and demonstrates it by interaction with *both* spouses. As an example, a former female best friend had a long-term boyfriend (now married) with whom I did numerous activities, mainly involving our mutual interest in cars. I was a friend and supporter of their relationship, and had been friends with the lady about as long as they had been together. When I had a girlfriend, we did things together as couples. That's what friends do. Good luck. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 No way. I'm against one on one male-female friendships. Sure she can have them, I have them, but I'll be damned if I ever spend one on one time with any of them when I'm in a relationship. I just don't think it's right. You guys don't agree on this. I think it has potential to cause HUGE issues. I wouldn't marry this girl. She doesn't seem mature enough to respect your feelings. Not to mention, I think that a woman who feels like she doesn't/can't get along with other women has some fundamental personal issues. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 I don't trust women who "hate women" and can't get along with them. I have met a few women like that and believe me, the issue isn't "other women", it's them 100% and they usually have a lot of other character flaws that come as a package with that 'philosophy'. So for me that is the biggest red-flag of all and the other aspect about should married women have male friends becomes less of an issue. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 I don't trust women who "hate women" and can't get along with them. I have met a few women like that and believe me, the issue isn't "other women", it's them 100% and they usually have a lot of other character flaws that come as a package with that 'philosophy'. So for me that is the biggest red-flag of all and the other aspect about should married women have male friends becomes less of an issue. Agree 200% 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Eivuwan Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 I think the bigger issue is that she hates her own gender than having male friends. In any case, you cannot and should not want to control her. If you do not find her behavior acceptable now, don't get married to her. People shouldn't be changing themselves for each other for the purposes of getting married. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 Just because you have known someone a long time and not had romantic thoughts about them does not mean you never will. People can change. That's a wonderful point to address, as relationships are always in flux. Such changes can be addressed and worked through if people are open with each other and sincerely do care about each other. In such an instance, the friend developing 'feelings' should communicate that and work to a resolution. I've had to deal with some of this with MW's where I know and care about their husbands. When they come to me, either with emotional or sexual advances or 'intimacies' which I feel are inappropriate, I re-direct them to their spouse or to try counseling to resolve their feelings/issues. That's being a 'friend of the marriage'. I set a boundary for what our friendship should entail. Yep, it took an EA of my own, MC and the death of an M to teach that lesson but it was well-taught. Change is a part of life and we all have choices about how we address change. Back on the direct subject of married women having male friends, one aspect I'd also look for would be healthy mutual interests. For myself, that might be a woman who enjoys horticulture (my former BFF did), outdoor activities like cycling/hiking, etc, cars, shooting guns (a surprising amount of women like guns), etc, etc. Each persons mutual interests are unique but IMO there should be a synergy of interests, in addition to shared life philosophies and friendship 'chemistry' which drive the friendship in a healthy way. Hanging out and talking about each other's relationships is not 'healthy' in my book, at least as an 'interest' relevant to platonic friendships with members of one's sexual preference. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 I'd make it clear to her that any male friends she has, you have to meet and be a part of their friendship too. Not all the time, but for sure some of the time. Any male friends I have, my husband knows and has spent time with them as well, childhood male friends, and any new friends I make, he meets and gets along with. Majority of my close friendships though are with women. Which leads me to her issues about having women friends. Why does she hate women and why can't she get along with them? to me, that's a big red flag. Either she needs the ego pumping and validation from men in general or she feels superior about herself and competes with women overall. Either way, she has to have women friends, not just male friends. It will be a problem in your marriage if all her friends are men. Eventually something 'could' happen, like others have suggested..Putting yourself in situations alone with a guy over and over again, feelings can develop, even if not intentional.. One day you and her could be having a low point in your marriage and she could easily turn to one of her many male friends, next thing you know - He is knight in shining armour, rescuing her from the bad marriage and she falls for the line of crap. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 I told her that I will not accept her spending time alone with men after marriage. My ex-boyfriend told me the same thing - not that he "wouldn't accept it", but that he didn't think it was a good idea. I got his point, as I wouldn't want him hanging out with other women alone, either. I recognized that he had a more conservative viewpoint on this, but I was fine with it. Sounds like your girlfriend isn't, so you're not compatible. I also agree it's a red flag when a woman can't get along with other women, or a man can't get along with other men. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 Looks like there are issues on both sides here. #1 There will be times when she is alone with someone of the opposite sex. You cannot control that and attempting to do so isn't good on your part. #2 Sounds like she has her own issues in regards to being friends with other women. Some people make friends easier if they can relate more to the opposite sex, but it sounds like she has more issues than that. In conclusion, sounds like you both have too many issues to be getting married. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author markanderson Posted January 20, 2014 Author Share Posted January 20, 2014 I think the bigger issue is that she hates her own gender than having male friends. In any case, you cannot and should not want to control her. If you do not find her behavior acceptable now, don't get married to her. People shouldn't be changing themselves for each other for the purposes of getting married. I agree with you about the fact we should not be changing ourselves for each other. Link to post Share on other sites
LeGenDary_Man Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 (edited) I don't see how OP is trying to control his GF. He have a concern and conveyed to his GF prior to marrying her which is a positive thing. @markanderson Don't get married to this woman unless she is willing to address your greatest concern. I think the bigger issue is that she hates her own gender than having male friends. In any case, you cannot and should not want to control her. If you do not find her behavior acceptable now, don't get married to her. People shouldn't be changing themselves for each other for the purposes of getting married. Ever heard of the word compromise? Marriage is a serious relationship dynamic and people often need to adjust their lifestyle and behavioral preferences to make it work. Marriage is different from being single. Edited January 20, 2014 by LeGenDary_Man 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Snipercatt Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 Sounds to me like this woman doesn't like women because she has no use for them Sounds like she doesn't want your daughter around because she has no use for her. That leaves me thinking she wants to make male friends because she's learned how to use them to get what she wants. What is it that you have, or provide, that she can use you for? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LeGenDary_Man Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 I agree with you about the fact we should not be changing ourselves for each other. Actually compromises are an expected development in marriage. You have a concern and you conveyed it to your GF, it is up to her to reach a compromise with you on this matter. This is the "change" aspect. This doesn't means that you are trying to control her, you cannot. But you can let her know your concerns and would want them to be addressed. By the same token, she may have some expectations from you in marriage. You were OK with her friendship with males prior to marrying her. But after marriage, you have some expectations from her which she needs to understand and work with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
deathandtaxes Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 Did you guys not follow that link I posted? This is most likely the same woman that hates OP's kid. How can you marry somebody that hates your kid? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pickflicker Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 Did you guys not follow that link I posted? This is most likely the same woman that hates OP's kid. How can you marry somebody that hates your kid? If it's the same person, that reason alone should be enough to not get married. However, OP, you and your gf have fundamentally different ideas about appropriate actions within a relationship. This is another reason why you shouldn't get married. You shouldn't have to control her, and she should not feel so vitriolic towards women. But she does and you want to. Getting married is a bad idea. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 I told her why not female friends, she says she hates women. She hates females and you have a daughter? Why even go further with this? That's a dealbreaker if you want to be a good dad. Anyone who hates half the population because of a condition of birth has major issues. I don't necessarily think it's a problem to have friends of the opposite gender, if they are able to be friends with both of you. I don't trust women who "hate women" and can't get along with them. I have met a few women like that and believe me, the issue isn't "other women", it's them 100% and they usually have a lot of other character flaws that come as a package with that 'philosophy'. So for me that is the biggest red-flag of all and the other aspect about should married women have male friends becomes less of an issue. That's my experience too. When I've known women who can't get along with other women, what happens is that they inevitably and unconsciously MAKE problems and issues where none have to exist, to prove themselves right. I'd steer clear of people like this, it's miserable. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Snipercatt Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 She hates females and you have a daughter? Why even go further with this? That's a dealbreaker if you want to be a good dad. IF you were single one of the most important decisions you make is who you're going to spend the rest of your life with. HOWEVER, you are a parent and it is even more important who you expose your daughter to. DO not bring a woman into your daughter's life that hates females and doesn't like kids. This is a no go on every level. Tell this female to stay here she is and there's no wedding in your and her future. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Thegameoflife Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 I'd say the fact she only wants to hang out with men and dislikes women, is the reason why the op likes this woman, while simultaneously being worried about her male friends. Usually women like this have a need for male attention. They hate other women because they don't want to share it. This is attractive to men because these women feedback positively to this attention. I'm willing to bet his last partner didn't give this positive feedback, so he was drawn in by the polar opposite that his gf gives him. She sounds like a succubus. She'll feed on the op's attention until he gets tired of her crap, and gives her negative attention. The succubus requires more that one source to feed from, as the affect gets weaker over time. She fills this by maintaining attention relationships with many men. If the op gives her enough negative feedback, she'll move onto the next strongest source. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 I have had mostly male friends since I was a kid. I am in my late 40's now. I have never had one of my friends cross a line nor have I. I relate better to guys than women. Men and women in general view things differently. I like working out and doing home improvement projects. My female friends do not share those interests. If I have a problem with a male friend I can just say it, it's discussed , then it's never brought up again. Female friends seem to hold on to it. They won't just say what the problem is. I have female friends who are like me. We think and react more like men than women. This has always caused problems with other female friends. I don't want to sugarcoat something or beat around the bush if I have something to say. With male friends I don't have to. Male friends don't care if I look like crap. Female friends do if they are going to be seen with you LOL . This has always been my experience. I am not saying it is everyones. My husband is friends with my male friends. I don't cheat period nor would I. There are lines that should never be thought of not crossed in a friendship. My husband always knew I was like this why would he want to change me? Women can be like being friends with men for many reasons. I don't do it because I want attention from them nor do I flirt with them. They are friends not potiental dates. I had only sisters and my best female friend had three brothers. They were so different from my sisters and I felt more at peace and no drama around them. Some women have many brothers so they relate better to them. Many tomboys are the same. They could have had really bad experiences with females at school. This is something you need to decide on before you get married. If she flirts with them it is one thing . If you become friends with them also I don't think it will bother you as much as it does now. Link to post Share on other sites
LostInM Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 You can be friends with members of the opposite sex. I don't agree with one on one time. If you choose to spend time with another person over your spouse you are with the wrong person. I would never choose to spend time with another woman over my wife. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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