I had him put in jail on domestic violence now what?

[echocrush]

Ok guys I did it… I stood up for myself now what?

 

I told him if he lost his temper again I would call the police and have him escorted off the property. We got in a fight yesterday and he wouldn’t talk to me so I disconnected the cable. When he came out I tried to talk to him and tell him how much I needed his help, he just went back in the house and locked me out. So I disconnected the cable again. He came out and called me a f’n b***. I told him to get his things so he could go cool down. When he came back towards me I got scared and locked the door. He kicked in the door and mangled it. So I did it…

 

I called 911 to have him escorted off the property. They arrested him on domestic violence charges. He hates me now. There is a temporary restraining order and etc. I’m really lost right now. I didn’t want him arrested, but the cop said I didn’t have a choice. They felt he was a danger to me, and so… yeah… They asked me if I was afraid of him, and I said yes I am… more and more these days.

 

He’s never hit me, I made that clear to the police, and I want you to know that now… but I am afraid of him. He has demolished 3 doors in the last month. His drinking and anger just keep getting worse. How long until doors and property damage become me or my kids???

 

I keep telling myself this is a good thing, that I did the right thing, but at the same time I keep saying oh, God what have I done? He will get help now, and that’s a good thing in any case. But I am so confused… I’m not perfect, I shouldn’t have antagonized him like that. I keep going back and forth… I shouldn’t have done this, but that’s no excuse for him to do that. Weak, strong, right thing, wrong thing… is that normal???

 

I am going to follow through on it even though it’s tearing my guts out right now. I’m not letting him back in the house until his counselor feels it’s time. Until someone can tell me it’s going to be okay. The thing is, he may never speak to me gain. I know him, he is an angry man, and can hold a grudge forever… I may be safe now, but I may have lost him to do that. I know that’s the best for me and my children… but God it hurts…

[supermom]

Good for you for sticking up for yourself! Especially before it escalated into worse.

 

Keep us updated on how you are, I am thinking of you...

[moimeme]

I'm very sorry it had to come to this, but you absolutely cannot guarantee that the next time he lashes out, it won't be you or your kids that get 'mangled'. You have done the right thing.

 

Did you ever talk to any domestic violence counsellors? They will help you see that you can't accept blame for what he did.

[RowanRavyn]

::Sends hugs::

 

Its hard to take the first step, and it is not uncommon to be left sitting thinking, "Ok, now what?"

 

Its one day at a time, hun. Being afraid is no way to live. You did the right thing. Really you did. Especially where your children are concerned. Get counseling for yourself as well. Get in touch with a local shelter, they will provide you low/no cost counseling. Not just for yourself, but for your children as well.

 

I will be thinking of you.

 

Rowan

[reasontosigh]

You did the right thing, without a doubt. it would only have been a matter of time until it escalated to the point where he would have indeed caused you physical harm.

 

It does hurt, and I know perfectly well how lost you feel. Five years ago I was in the same position. (No children involved in my case, though.)

 

Moi has a point. When it happened to me, the police referred me to the county domestic violence agency. Where I was living at the time they were located in the county courthouse, which made them very easy to find.

 

Check the blue pages in the center of your local phone book. There is a heading for "Domestic Violence" which lists area resources, usually found under city or county listings.

[Thinkalot]

I'm so sorry this had to happen, but you have done the right thing. The feelings you now have seem normal reactions to me. Do see if there are counsellors you could speak to.

 

Sending you my best.

[kellydontwanttasleep]

you did great now you need to look at your life like a wonderful adventure that your taking. and take some martial arts classes it will build self worth and confidence

[treegirl]

Domestic violence should never be tolerated by ANYONE.

 

You done the right thing.

 

Good work for standing up for yourself and letting him know that you will take action against him.

 

Certainly thinking of you,

 

Love TreeGirl

xoxo

[Craig]

You did the right thing EchoCrush. Here are a couple of the most important things you should do right now (today).

 

Your Safety Plan

First on your list of things to do should be a safety plan for you and your kids. You need to plan out on paper what you will do if your SO (significant other) violates the TRO (temporary restraining order). What will you do if he comes to the house and starts pleading with you, or is nice to you, or makes promises to you, or begs you, or angrily kicks in the door again, or comes back with a weapon angry and drunk? You need to know how you are going to escape, because you are not going to confront him. You need to be able to leave in seconds and plan to evade him if he decides to chase you down. You need people you can count on that you can call to help you get away if needed. 911 is fine if they can be there right away but sometimes they won't be there for five minutes and that could be four minutes too late. Here are some links to DV pages that have safety plan ideas.

 

http://phoenix.gov/CITZASST/domestic.html

 

http://www.domesticviolence.org/plan.html

 

Counselling For You Right Now

I don't know if you were in counselling for survivors of domestic violence but that, as some posters have suggested already, should be one of your next steps. There are many organizations that will provide you with counselling on a sliding scale depending on your ability to pay (which means as low as no cost). If you haven't had counselling for DV before prepare to be surprised at the level of support and understanding you'll find. If you can get into a group for survivors of DV you'll find other women telling your story and believe me you won't feel so all alone and you will feel and become stronger. Here is a link to the National Domestic Violence Hotline to help you get started.

 

http://www.ndvh.org/

 

Here is another excellent DV handbook for you to have a look at

 

http://www.co.sanmateo.ca.us/hsa.dir/familyviolence/domesticviolencebook.htm

 

Some Comments

I wouldn't necessarily say that your SO hates you now that you had him arrested. After all he did some pretty hateful things before he was arrested. He definitely has an anger management and alcohol problem. Whenever he gets angry at you or says he hates you it is all about power and control. He wants to have power over you and to control you and that is why he made it known to you that he hates you.

 

His behavior is not your responsibility. Period. EchoCrush, you know it doesn't matter if you antagonized him or not he always had a choice to do something other than respond with violence.

 

Believe me you are okay. You are feeling very normal emotions for a survivor of DV. You may be second guessing yourself or even blaming yourself for what happened. His violence is not your fault. Thank you for following through and not giving up.

 

You seem to be open to the idea of letting him back in the house someday and possibly when his counsellor feels it's time." You also said that he is an angry man and can hold a grudge forever. If after going through the court system and all his counselling some "expert" tells you that it is going to be okay please do not let him back into your life until you are absolutely certain that YOU agree with them. If you see his anger being expressed in anyway that disturbs you then he isn't ready to come back. He may never be ready to come back. Some people (women and men) are just like that. They can carry a grudge forever and forever be the most difficult person in the world to live with and they tend to get worse as they get older. Living with them is horrible and something like trying to walk on egg shells in a mine field.

 

I am very sorry that you are hurting right now, that shows you are human. EchoCrush, you will survive, you will grow, you will become stronger and someday you will have your life back.

 

Best wishes for you on your journey.

 

Craig

[echocrush]

They have referred me to the victims advocates group... and I will go talk to them. See what they can offer, I 'm not really sure of anything right now. I kind of feel like the ground just turned into jelly underneath my feet today.

Anyways... I am trying to figure out what I need to worry about and what I don't.

 

Ok, safety plan... I can do that, we live in a very small town, the town marshal is a friend and lives very close by, and my family lives across the street.

 

But what about these other issues that need to be worked out between the two of us like the money.

He has the checkbook, and the only paycheck. With checks outstanding and no money to pay them, we have bills that need paid. I can go talk to the bank and explain, but *cringe* small town again, his sister in law works there, so it could be difficult. I will have child support on the 1st. 16 days is a long time...

 

I do believe there is hope for him, and our marriage or I wouldn’t be here. He loves me very much, and has been attending marriage counseling. He was responding well to it, but it’s not enough to deal with his drinking or his anger problems. He is now going to get that help… I am prepared for the fact that he will probably be angry with me for quite awhile for this… He needs a major cooling off period and will be sentenced to tons of counseling and anger management. I do want to save my marriage if I can, if he is willing to work on it... so here are my current questions bouncing in my head.

 

So…

 

I have decided I can not let him into the house again until I can be sure I am safe. I’m not going to take that chance. Is it a good idea to meet in public places if and when he is ready?

 

I am wondering how long I need to wait until I even talk to him again?

 

If he comes to me what should I do?

 

How would you suggest I keep myself safe but keep the doors open at the same time?

 

What about issues that need to be handled right now? Finances etc? Should I talk to him at all?

 

I want to tell him I love him, but I need to know I am going to be safe… do you think that’s a good idea? Should I write him a letter?

 

Should I wait for him to come to me and then set some boundaries?

[moimeme]

Without knowing him and all the circumstances, it's very hard to know the best course of action for you. I think you'd fare better if you ask the marriage counsellor these questions, or perhaps ask one of the counsellors that he sees as part of his sentencing. I would hate to say 'sure, invite him over' and then find out something bad happened to you.

[echocrush]

I really wanted to add this just to make it clear...

 

His anger and drinking have gotten out of control, but he has never hit me I want to be clear about that. He says mean things sometimes… I wanted to stop it BEFORE it crossed the line, and I did that. I know I did the right thing even though it feels like crap...

 

I just wanted you to know that's the only reason I still have hope. I have witnessed too many abusive relationships and I don't want to be IN one... I want it to stop, so I put my foot down in a way he could understand.

 

I'm prepared for the fact that he may never forgive me. He thinks I am the one who did something, he thinks I did this to him, he wasn't able to see that what he did was wrong when the police took him. He may never be able to see that, and I know it... I am preparing myself for that...

 

I don't know why I felt the need to make that clear... I just did...

[echocrush]

Thanks Moi...

 

I don't think letting him into the house would be good under any circumstances at this point. I'm just not sure if writing him a letter or anything would make things worse. I will see what counseling I can find...

[moimeme]

It's good to know that you've never been injured, but his violence and anger must certainly frighten the children and that is absolutely not healthy for them. Remember, this isn't just about you and him. You're an adult and can sort of understand what's going on but your kids aren't in a position to cope with this kind of situation. I can't imagine living in a house with a father who regularly smashes doors. And, unfortunately, it is often the case that they quit taking the anger out on inanimate objects and begin hitting people.

[echocrush]

That's exactly it... I don't know if I could have done it for myself... but I did it for my children. They insisted on going to church today, and asked everyone to pray for us. They want him home, but I explained that he is going to have to take some classes that will help him be happy before he can come home again. I told them it may be a long time, but I won't let him come back until we are all safe.

[RowanRavyn]

Echo,

 

You sound like a good mom, and a good woman.

 

See what information the victims advocates offer you. A shelter will often have someone that does nothing but go to court with you. In a small town that is a huge thing. Believe me I know. The town I escaped from had only 1400 folks in it.

 

You are entitled to a checkbook if you are on the account, and one of you has to pay the bills. See if your victims advocate can advise you on that. Do take the time to form a safety plan. Have your counselor contact his counselor to see what other details can be worked out.

 

Always go through someone. I can tell you that over time he would have become more violent. Again, you did the right thing. Make sure your kids get counseling too.

 

Take care of yourself. Remember to eat. Lock your doors, change the locks if you can or get a friend to. Follow your gut. You will know when the time is right to attempt a face to face, and even then...please involve a third party.