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How to get my wife back


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Hey everyone,

 

My wife and I have been married four months and together two years. This past Saturday we went to her work christmas party and got into a massive fight that caused her to take her kids and leave Monday with her father. We both have very strong minds and bad stubbornness, and it only gets worse when we drink. We both can say the meanest things when we are angry and we do just to upset the other one, even though everything we say we do not mean. We have made great strides in our two years but we hit the lowest of lows after this christmas party this past saturday.

 

I had asked her to slow down her drinking at the party and she agreed but wasn't too happy about it. Several guys at her work kept buying her shots and she kept taking them. This really upset me but I didn't get upset with her. I wanted her to have fun and enjoy her first company christmas party that she helped set up. Throughout the night I kept asking her to dance with me but she refused because of stories my best friend told her about how horrible my dancing was 15 years ago. This hurt a little but again, I let it go and kept enjoying the party. After six shots and a few drinks I look and see her on the dancefloor with another guy who she has told me all about cheating on his wife with another girl that works there. I was in shock and very upset. My wife is very beautiful and I'm not the jealous type but this really hurt me and angered me that she wouldn't dance with her husband but would dance with this guy, without asking me first nonetheless. I felt it was a huge disrespect to our marriage.

 

When we left I called her out in the car telling her how disrespected I felt and how obnoxious she was acting overall yelling and being wild. I know I should have waited until she sobered up the next day but I was drinking too because I was so upset. That was a mistake on my part. We are driving home while yelling at each other and we were close to her ex-husband's house and I said I should just drop you off here. Mistake on my part. She said I'd like to f*** him right now. This sent me over the edge and I countered how my ex was better looking and better than her. Mistake on my part. She started punching me in the face while I was driving and without even thinking i reacted by slapping her. HUGE mistake on my part and I never meant to do it. Never in my life have I done something like this and I told her I was sorry for doing so. She kept going crazy so I pulled over on the on ramp of the highway and we got into it even more and she took off her seatbelt and tried getting out. I pulled her back in and said are you crazy? I said please put your seatbelt back on and she refused. With my clouded emotional state I started driving and hit the brakes to scare her into putting her seat belt back on but it backfired and she hit her shoulder on the steering wheel and hurt it. I felt horrible and we went home and we laid down but I couldn't stop crying knowing how far I had let this go and that it resulted in my princess, my best friend to get hurt.

 

For the next day I did everything I could to take care of her and show her how sorry I was. I told her I was going to seek professional anger management counseling right after christmas. She said she forgave me and that she wouldn't give up on us. She went to work Monday while I did last minute christmas shopping for her parents and coworkers, while watching her boys. Then in the afternoon her dad shows up with her and asks me what happened. I told him everything and broke down. I have great respect for him and I told him I was sorry for what I had done and for letting him down. They all left and now I am alone on christmas. We talked a little but she is still very angry, and rightfully so. She said she doesn't know if we will get back together or how long it will take if we do. She will leave it in gods hands.

 

I love this woman more than anything in the world and I know she feels the same for me. What I did was wrong and I am the first to admit my faults and I have already taken steps to start addressing them. What should I do about mending things with her? I am trying to give her space so she can calm down but I'm not sure how long. My best friend says I should message her daily telling her how sorry I am and how much I love her, but I think it may be a bit much. I have been in our apartment since she left Monday but I am leaving tomorrow so the boys can have their home back. I have cleaned the place really good and I am thinking of leaving flowers for her. Then mailing her a letter in a few days. How can I get her to think of our amazing times and block out this one incident? We are the happiest most loving couple in the universe 99% of the time, but that 1% when we argue it has the potential to get really bad. As I mentioned before we have made great strides since we first got together. I just don't want her to give up on us so easily. She said she is scared when I get really angry and I totally understand why. I have never been like this with anyone else. I think it's the combination of my strong love for her and her being just as stubborn as me. I tend to get butt hurt with her compared to other girls I have dated in the past. I also worry about her actions being overlooked. What I did was way worse than what she did, which is why I haven't said anything about her actions since this happened. Should I wait to talk to her about it in a calm setting if we work things out?

 

Thank you for reading my situation. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

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strongnrelaxed

Why in the bloody hell would you want to stay with a woman like this? Think hard on this - you have a chance to change your life for the better here. You need better advice than you are likely to get here brother.

 

You should put down the gauntlet. Either she straightens up or you walk. Period. If she cannot handle this, then she is not for you.

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That is funny you mention this as before her I never had these kind of issues. I was always the stern one telling the ladies if they wanted to leave then leave. With her though my love is so strong that I'm always trying to do everything I can for her to be the best husband possible. But I have told her before that I am too good to her. I know from past experience that when you put women on a pedestal they take what they have for granted and it becomes a standard. Either way I need to fix my anger issue no matter what, but you definitely make a good point. I'll definitely think more along those lines instead of beating myself up for everything.

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This is an emotionally and physically abusive relationship and probably substance abuse/addiction on both of your parts. Youo are both within your right to dissolve this marriage.

 

Neither of you should even consider reconciliation without both of you receiving professional therapy for your anger/abuse and substance abuse as well as both of you going into joint marital counseling.

 

You are both better off separated untill you have each received proper therapy.

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This was actually the first time we have laid a hand on each other. As far as drinking, we only drink a few times a year at special occasions. We have just noticed that when we drink things get out of control sometimes, which is one of the reasons we do not drink very often. I agree that we both need counseling, I plan on doing my part whether we work it out or not. I'm just concerned her stubborness and pride will keep her from admitting she needs counseling.

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You both have done some inappropriate things, but since you're the one here asking for opinions, I'm going to focus on things you said/did.

 

But I have told her before that I am too good to her.

 

That's not a very nice thing to say to your girlfriend.

 

That was a mistake on my part.(1)

 

Mistake on my part. (2)

 

Mistake on my part. (3)

 

i reacted by slapping her. HUGE mistake on my part (4)

 

With my clouded emotional state I started driving and hit the brakes to scare her into putting her seat belt back on but it backfired and she hit her shoulder on the steering wheel and hurt it.

 

You slapped her and then you used your car's brakes to "scare her" which resulted in her being injured. That seems like some pretty straightforward physical abuse. You were wrong for purposely trying to terrify someone in your car. Please don't ever do that again.

 

That is funny you mention this as before her I never had these kind of issues.
Careful now. It is not because of her that you are having these kinds of issues. You're responsible for whatever comes your way.

 

Should I wait to talk to her about it in a calm setting if we work things out?

 

If she brings it up, I think you should apologize. Otherwise, I think you should leave it alone.

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You are correct that she did not make me who I am, and I totally understand the severity of my actions, which is why I am seeking professional help. I have apologized profusely to her and given her the space she needs. I just hope we can both get the help we need and someday get back the happiness we shared a vast majority of the time. I really appreciate your input.

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Hmmm. I think we're getting the version of this that doesn't make you look as bad as you could look. I mean, you still look pretty bad, but I bet her version makes you look worse.

 

The part that leapt out at me was when you asked her to slow down her drinking, and she agreed but wasn't happy. I don't care why you said this, I'm sure you think you have good reasons. But you're not her dad and she's not a kid. That throwaway remark right there told me that there'd be abuse further down in your story. I was right.

 

I suspect this relationship will go way downhill unless you seek counselling together. It's not a case of her just coming back to you. You need to nip this right in the bud.

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Okay we all know you ****ed up. What about her actions during the party. Turn you down to dance, and dancing with the guy that you know been involved in infidelity, you might want to check out that situation. could be an exit blowup honestly I would check your cell phone records and all that just to see if there's anything been going on before this blow up. Just food for thought did check it out I would.

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I totally agree that we both need counseling no matter what, especially together if we can get back to that point. I wasn't trying to be controlling when asking her to slow down the drinking. We had discussed previously that we shouldn't drink too much at this event so we didn't do anything that would make her look bad in front of her coworkers. This was her first Xmas party with this company. When she drinks she becomes very hyper and does things she wouldn't normally do if she was sober. I used very poor judgement by continuing to drink out of frustration when she kept drinking. There are so many things I did wrong that night. I wish it wouldn't have taken such a tragic event to wake myself up and realize my issues that need to be addressed.

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I may be wrong, but I honestly don't think she would have been involved with another guy. But I can see where you are coming from. The whole dance didn't make sense to me, which only increased my frustration.

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I totally agree that we both need counseling no matter what, especially together if we can get back to that point. I wasn't trying to be controlling when asking her to slow down the drinking. We had discussed previously that we shouldn't drink too much at this event so we didn't do anything that would make her look bad in front of her coworkers. This was her first Xmas party with this company. When she drinks she becomes very hyper and does things she wouldn't normally do if she was sober. I used very poor judgement by continuing to drink out of frustration when she kept drinking. There are so many things I did wrong that night. I wish it wouldn't have taken such a tragic event to wake myself up and realize my issues that need to be addressed.

 

I would've been willing to cut you some slack and say that it wasn't controlling but responsible to keep your spouse from getting too drunk and making an ass of themselves in front of their employers and coworkers........provided you remained sober, responsible and appropriate youself.

 

Again, this relationship has elements of substance abuse, emotional and physical abuse.

 

You don't have to be an actual alcoholic to abuse substances. You hav stated that you guys act inappropriately when you drink and that bad things happen. Yet you continue to drink and do bad things. That is abusing a substance.

 

You state that you two say hurtful things to hurt the other even though you may not mean it. That is emotional abuse.

 

You hit each other - 'nuff said there.

 

You both have just grounds to terminate this relationship and in your current state it would be healthy to do so.

 

For this not to be a toxic and unhealthy relationship, both of you have to change many elements about yourselves.

 

This will require professional therapists to work out.

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I may be wrong, but I honestly don't think she would have been involved with another guy. But I can see where you are coming from. The whole dance didn't make sense to me, which only increased my frustration.

 

Don't be too sure of that. She was wanting to hurt you and make you feel bad.

 

That's the problem with being in an abusive relationship. You dont really know how far someone will go to stick it to ya and you never know how much contempt they really have.

 

It may be comforting for you to assume she wasn't going to blow him in the broom closet, but for all you know she may have been so pissed because you were interfering with her plans for him.

 

That's the problem with this relationship, no-one really knows how far it could have gone or how far it will go next time.

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