Scrappy Posted December 20, 2013 Share Posted December 20, 2013 I have been with my wife tens years and married five . She recently left me for about the third time 6 months ago. We have an 8 year old daughter who is not biologically mine but i have raised her and love her as mine. Each time we break up wife does not let me see my daughter and is quite nasty to me. We have always had a very volatile relationship we were arguing 3 days after we got married. Everyone tells me that i should not go back with my wife. That all is doing is controlling and using me. When she left me this time i read a text on her phone that she sent to her mum saying she was only with me for my money. (I work she never has). This time with the split it is different because i met someone else. This girl at work who told me she like me earlier this year , i had always liked her. We never done anything about it and the girl always kept away as she knew i was married etc. however in sept i started spending time with her and it has been so good . She is such a lovely person. I went on holiday on my own for a week and when i got back i couldn't wait to see her again. However since i got back my wife has started contacting me, she has heard i was seeing someone and it has messed my head up. She let me see my daughter when for the last few months she told me my daughter hated me. She is now telling me she misses me and wants to come home. Everyone tells me she only wants me back cos she doesn't want anyone else to have me and its obvious as she didn't want to know before. I just miss my daughter so much. I had to stop seeing the girl at work as i need to clear my head. People tell me I'm a fool if i take my wife back and she uses me and uses daughter to control me and that we will just fall back into arguing and just split up again eventually. Should i take her back, will it work out? Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted December 20, 2013 Share Posted December 20, 2013 You have got to be joking right? If you take your wife back, what do you think will happen? Do you think it will be any different to the last time, the time before that, or the time before that? Even looking at the numbers. You have been together 10 years but she has an 8 year old daughter by someone else. What's with that. If you take her back you need to get your head read, seriously man. It would be absolute insanity. You'd just be throwing away your new relationship for someone who will throw you away in 6 months when she gets bored of you YET AGAIN. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scrappy Posted December 20, 2013 Author Share Posted December 20, 2013 You have got to be joking right? If you take your wife back, what do you think will happen? Do you think it will be any different to the last time, the time before that, or the time before that? Even looking at the numbers. You have been together 10 years but she has an 8 year old daughter by someone else. What's with that. If you take her back you need to get your head read, seriously man. It would be absolute insanity. You'd just be throwing away your new relationship for someone who will throw you away in 6 months when she gets bored of you YET AGAIN. Thank you for your reply. The situation with the daughter is that we met ten years ago and were seeing each other. We spilt up and she was with someone else and got pregnant. She left him as he was not good and a drug addict. We met up again and got together again. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 20, 2013 Share Posted December 20, 2013 I'm usually one of the 1st people to say fight for your marriage but this chick has already destroyed it so many times over & clearly doesn't value the institution that there is nothing worth fighting for. You have only been married for 5 years & she's already left you 3 times. That's not healthy. Can you get a copy of the text to help in the divorce? The awful part will be the child. You have no parental rights (& no responsibility). Hopefully you will get a chance to say good bye to her & in age appropriate language try to assure her that the split had nothing to do with her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted December 21, 2013 Share Posted December 21, 2013 No. Stick with the new girl. And I'm sorry to say it but you need to accept losing your daughter. Unless you've legally adopted her, no one else is going to see her as your daughter. Next time you see her, tell her what's happened, that you love her, and goodbye (since your STBXW will cut off contact again). Another poster here helped raise multiple kids and lost them all when his wife left him for another man. She wouldn't let him see them, poisoned them against him (which was awful considering that she was the cheater), and the courts backed her up. That's because they are HER children, not his. It's awful but I think you need to accept that this is how it will play out and close this chapter of your life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Solcita2 Posted December 21, 2013 Share Posted December 21, 2013 It may sound horrible what I'm about to say... but if you haven't adopted your child, I would consider going back home under the condition to adopt her... then, in a year, get out again with parental rights... does it make sense? If you already adopted her, I wouldn't even bother going back... Would the new girl wait for you? I don't know, but I think your child is worth the risk... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scrappy Posted December 21, 2013 Author Share Posted December 21, 2013 Thank you for all your responses. I really like this new girl but do feel its too soon for a relationship. She is very patient and has liked me for a long time but she never made a move even when i spilt with my wife she kept her distance and was so dignified. I know she is becoming hurt as i know she doesn't want me to go back to wife but she never pressures me. I don't want to hurt her. I am very confused as to what to do. My wife is all of a sudden letting me see my daughter and is claiming that she never stop me , however a couple of months back i saw my daughter in the street and i went over and hugged her and she told me she loved me , next thing my wife text me saying my daughter hated the fact i hugged her. Link to post Share on other sites
John-Dough Posted December 21, 2013 Share Posted December 21, 2013 Get out, get out now, don't look back. Sorry about your daughter, but nothing you can do about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scrappy Posted December 30, 2013 Author Share Posted December 30, 2013 Well i spent christmas alone, i took presents over to them at wife's mothers house, i thought she would call my daughter to the door to see me but they didn't just took the presents and i never saw my daughter all over christmas. Wife still wants to get back together. I know im a fool. This other girl was so lovely and I've really hurt her. She has asked me to keep my distance from her at work as she now needs to have time to heal from me. If i give it one more go with wife do you think we will work? I just want to see my daughter so much. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted December 30, 2013 Share Posted December 30, 2013 Well i spent christmas alone, i took presents over to them at wife's mothers house, i thought she would call my daughter to the door to see me but they didn't just took the presents and i never saw my daughter all over christmas. Wife still wants to get back together. I know im a fool. This other girl was so lovely and I've really hurt her. She has asked me to keep my distance from her at work as she now needs to have time to heal from me. If i give it one more go with wife do you think we will work? I just want to see my daughter so much. Nothing has changed. It still won't work out because you happened to have aged two weeks. Your wife is still controlling and using your daughter as a pawn. The only thing i can suggest is trying to adopt your daughter. Seriously man: Chernobyl was less toxic. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
crederer Posted December 31, 2013 Share Posted December 31, 2013 Your wife made it clear she is only with you cause you provide money. Man....if you have a bond with the child I'm sure you can see it. But for chrissake don't be simply a financial provider for a kid that isn't yours for a woman that doesn't love you in the hopes of seeing it. If you wanna give emotional support, all the power to you. If you're a strong father figure in the childs life I'm sure the mother will allow you to continue that (or at least I hope she would). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted December 31, 2013 Share Posted December 31, 2013 I want to shake you 2 Link to post Share on other sites
firemanq Posted January 1, 2014 Share Posted January 1, 2014 I want to shake you And give you a hug at the same time. This woman does not want to love you, only use you for the benefits of your stability and your money. The child is a pawn, to be used only as a means to an end. The end is to beat you down, and use you up. When someone better comes along, you will be tossed out with the garbage. That woman does not like/love you or the child. She does not even like herself. This sounds cruel, but you need out. Try to maintain some kind of relationship with the child, but realize the wife will always make you out as the monster who destroyed the marriage. Try to keep the girl in your life. She needs the stability and the example a real man can provide. Don't give her material crap, try to be available when she needs support. It does not seem like it now, but being single can be better than being in a destructive relationship. One night you will go to bed, alone, again. You will seriously consider ending this miserable life. The next morning, everything has changed and you will see that the worst is past and the future does hold hope. Trust me, I was there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scrappy Posted January 3, 2014 Author Share Posted January 3, 2014 Well I've managed to hold off for now, but its hard because she wont let me see daughter so i feel the only way to see her is to take wife back. Everyone is telling me that we will split up again , even my mum who my wife doesn't let me see tells me to not get back with her. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 I don't think anyone has anything new to add. We've all told you not to go back because you know exactly what will happen. It's up to you now. Link to post Share on other sites
Elias33 Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 How many things are you willing to ruin? How much time are you willing to waste? Before you are done with your "wife"? Answer those questions and move from there. And if you give yourself an honest answer, I think you know what to do. You have all the data you need, along with some solid feedback from the nice folks at LS. It may seem like an obvious choice to many of us, but a choice you have to make eventually. Good luck to you sir. Link to post Share on other sites
syz Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Well I've managed to hold off for now, but its hard because she wont let me see daughter so i feel the only way to see her is to take wife back. Everyone is telling me that we will split up again , even my mum who my wife doesn't let me see tells me to not get back with her. So she is an emotional abuser and controlling. Yeah totally get back together with her. She's a keeper. I'm sure this next time will be different. Get yourself into therapy you are in a controlling relationship at a minimum and you need professional help sorting this out. Do not take your wife back. Link to post Share on other sites
Iguanna Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 Wow. You can't see the obvious plus you don't express what YOUR feelings are for your wife and for the marriage. But the fact that you fell for someone else tells me that you were not satisfied in your marriage anyway. I suggest you propose divorce and see what happens. She manipulates you with daughter, you should manipulate her with stopping giving her any money. Lets see who is more powerful then. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scrappy Posted January 3, 2014 Author Share Posted January 3, 2014 Well i did love my wife, i miss the family thing. When she got in touch asking to see me after she had found out i was seeing someone, when i saw her i felt different towards her , i didn't feel attracted to her any more, not just in a physical way, when my friend asked me why my feeling may have changed i said it was cos of the other girl i had met. I guess i have some love for her as i did marry her and like i said i miss the family thing. Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted January 3, 2014 Share Posted January 3, 2014 I missed the family thing when I left my ex-husband for ages too....didn't mean I was going to settle for going back to the dead-beat though. You need to show yourself the respect you deserve. Forget the wife. She's a terrible mother, (using her child to get at you) the wee girl will realize this in her own time. Concentrate on you and visualise yourself in a happy relationship, not the train wreck you're hoping to repair here! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scrappy Posted January 24, 2014 Author Share Posted January 24, 2014 Ok so thank you all for your advice. I have not got back with my wife. Its very hard. She doesn't really let me see my daughter still. I am trying to take time out on my own to heal. How do i move forward. The girl i was seeing is still in my thoughts, we don't speak to each other at work now, she keeps her distance as she was hurt about me going back with wife and wanted to have space from me as well as give me space. She is not the type to pressure , she has alot of dignity and is soooo nice. I am not sure how to handle the situation with her, i don't want to lose her but i cant expect her to wait. My wife as you see is a total bitch and if i wanted to pursue something in time with this girl i am not sure how to handle it so my wife doesn't cause trouble. I know it will be a difficult situation. This girl may not trust me anymore. How do people move forward in new relationships after a marriage breaks up? Link to post Share on other sites
JPMC Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 You get divorced and then start dating. The only reason your wife wanted you back is because you were taken all of a sudden. It was for her ego and had nothing to do with you. Go file papers and run as fast as you can. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scrappy Posted February 7, 2014 Author Share Posted February 7, 2014 Thank you all for ur honest advice. I know i am lame but i got back together because i missed my daughter so much. The worst thing though is i had to let the other girl go which was very hard, i realise now i have fallen in love with her. My feelings towards my wife have different now, i dont feel love toward her, i am not sure how things will work out. Link to post Share on other sites
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