End This Engagement?

[CarelessWhisper630]

New member here, hi!

 

Unfortunately I'm here because I'm considering ending my engagement. My boyfriend proposed 6 months ago, and at the time I thought everything was going to work out. Now I'm not really sure.

 

I thought (stupidly) that our problems would get better now that we were facing marriage. But if anything, a lot of my issues with him have gotten worse. Our relationship really isn't that bad, but I'm at a point where I'm just bored with him and realizing he isn't going to be making much of himself in this life. I think I was blinded by my love for him before the proposal, and once we got engaged, I really began to look at our relationship from a more realistic point of view.

 

Things are not that bad. We get along ok, we have a lot in common and at one point, were madly in love. But after 2 years of being together, things have grown a little cold. Here are my big issues:

 

1: I don't think he's that in to me. Sure, he loves me. But is he IN LOVE with me? I can't really tell anymore. It's not because of anything he does, doesn't do, or anything he says. He's not mean or cold. In fact he does make kind gestures and is loving and even thoughtful at times. But much of the time, it's like he's just "not all there" in our relationship anymore, if you know what I mean. I guess it's hard to explain. He can seem so distant. Absorbed with lots of other things. Far away.

 

2: Sex. He doesn't want it nearly as much as I do. And I hate this. He is fine with having sex once a week or less. Sometimes we've gone a whole month without it. I stopped initiating because of rejection. When he does initiate, it's almost awkward. It's never passionate anymore. He never tries to turn me on. It's boring and meaningless and I'm really tired of it. Makes me feel ugly or unwanted. He wasn't like this until we had been together for about 8 months. Before that, he was an animal and we had sex almost every day. I wish he'd just admit that he's not all that into sex with me anymore, but he won't.

 

3: He doesn't have a lot of ambition. I was ok with this before. I don't need a rich man or even a "well off" man. But on top of all our other issues, I look at him now and see laziness. I think, "Why am I so in love with this guy?" I work more than he does, I do all the cleaning, cooking, taking care of the house, etc. He seems happy to come home and nap and not do much else unless it involves something fun or something he's interested in.

 

We've had talks about all of these things. I've even walked away once because of them. He always blames some sort of stress or "temporary situation" and promises things will get better. Sometimes they do for a few weeks, but then he's right back to his old ways. I know I'm not perfect and I've made my mistakes too. I probably complain about these things too often now. But I try not to "nag", and discuss these things seriously and calmly with him. I also work on my issues and encourage him to communicate with me. I've changed a few things for him, and have stuck to the changes I made. But I guess he doesn't take me seriously at all and thinks I'll marry him even though I'm growing quite miserable.

 

What do you all think? Are these things that can be turned around? Should I end my relationship with this man who I wanted so badly to marry at one point? I love him so much and I wish he'd work on us more. Just a few small changes and everything would be pretty perfect. But if he refuses to change, I can't see myself ever being happy going on like this for the rest of our lives. Oh and no, he will not go to counseling. He doesn't believe in it, and I'm not really that type either. Should I propose a break, or break things off and focus on myself, in hopes he'll realize what needs to be done? Or is that manipulative? Will he ever be interested in having sex with me again? I don't know what to do anymore.

[Elliotte]

I am right there with you, with my wife. After several relationships, I feel like this is the natural step a ton of couples go through, if not everyone; this is the "third stage" of the relationship.

 

First you have the honeymoon stage, where you fall in love, where you're first getting to know the person and you see everything about them in a positive light, the conversation is exciting, the sex is top notch, the chemistry is hot.

 

Second stage, you get to know their flaws, the new relationship smells wears off and as the thrill wears off, the flaws of that person start to really show themselves. This usually happens around after a month or two of living together, and the passion starts to dip. First you're understanding of them because you still have fresh memories of when things were perfect..but then...

 

Third stage is when you start correcting each other, trying to "fix" them, rejection, arguments and destroyed confidence send passion into free fall. This is a damn hard stage to get past without breaking up, often times one of you will throw your hands up saying "I can't live like this" and you move on.

 

Beyond this is acceptance and faith in the other person. You know you won't be able to argue someone into completely changing to be everything you want. You also know that both of you do want to improve yourselves, but it will take time for each of you to figure it out on your own. This is how things work out in the long haul, how to make things last without spending a lifetime at each other's throats. Rather than using all that energy to fight, you use it to start spicing things up in new ways!

 

To me it seems like you're rounding that third stage. You acknowledge that hes still a great guy, the fireworks from the beginning just aren't quite there anymore. It seems like he acknowledges what you say and wants to improve, but surely it will take him a bit longer than instantly, and you have to learn patience with him. I noticed you really mostly focused on what his flaws are, but I am betting he has his own list about you as well. I definitely suggest couples therapy and individual counseling, reading some books on it and doing research (such as posting in this forum for feedback, kudos!) to gain some knowledge and confidence before getting married. Hope it starts improving with some hard work!

[Eivuwan]

Sounds like if you guys are going to get married, it's going to be a forced marriage of two people who are no longer in love. =(

[PegNosePete]

When you were little, and thought about getting married some day, is this how you imagined you would be feeling on your big day?

 

He will not change now, and he certainly will not change after marriage.

 

I think you already answered your own question here.....

[todreaminblue]

i thin when people get closer to marriage natural insecurities come into play ....and trials.... a last ditch effort to see what you both are made of.itws actually healthier to have doubts....than be blinded by idealism...says me.......if the sex has died down try to recapture those special moments, dates.....date night...i have this story about this older couple and date night.....so kewt.....lol wont share it....makes me smile though...if you feel he isnt in love with you.......maybe therapy before marriage.......discuss everything dont hold back...be open and forthright...be so open ther are no barriers in working on your union.......its natural to get "coldish feet" ...dont listen to your feet listen to your heart....and if your heart says i love this guy.....i want to be with him in spite of the trials and icy feet......do it...follow your heart and do what you have to do ...you can make it...if both of you are invested and committed..be inventive to get love flaming...creative......try new things together, odl faves......be playful....recapture the sentiments that started the whole thing off..... inspire yourselves and each other to both work at it like trojans set goals...write inspiring messages to each other about what you love about that person.remind them and yourself why you are here right now..........dont give up ...........ok yeah im hyper today..;0)....best wishes on your upcoming nuptials......sends prayers up for you ....xoxo.......deb

[Got it]

Based on my experience, no these things don't get better.

 

But I would STRONGLY recommend couples counseling. Talk to a professional, see if you guys can come to an understanding on communication styles, conflict resolution, and trying to meet each other's needs. Sometimes it takes a neutral third party to see things a different way. Any relationship is about its foundation and foundation takes work. Start now and see if you see improvement.

[redtail]

Lucky for you, you realized this now and not like a lot of other people, after you found yourself married. Consider yourself lucky that you didn't make a mistake and move on.

Edited December 20, 2013 by redtail

[CarelessWhisper630]

Thank you all for the replies so far. Some seem to say leave, and others say work on it. Parts of me agree with each of you.

 

Elliotte.. you are right about the relationship stages. I know most relationships grow stale, and making them work is what keeps things going. I was in a long term relationship in the past with a man for 4 years. We always had an amazing sex life and I never questioned his love for me. We worked on things together and it was really easy actually, because we both seemed to care so much. Now it's like I'm the one who's doing all the caring, and my current guy just wants to sail along, content in this stale relationship.

 

I do focus on his issues here, and yes I've had my own that he wasn't too happy with. But I've changed or at least improved on anything he's brought up or complained about. A couple examples: A year into the relationship, he started complaining about my sleeping habits (basically how late I would go to bed). So I changed that. It took a lot of effort to train myself to wake up earlier and get tired at 11 PM instead of 2 AM. But I did it, and have maintained my new schedule ever since. I also started sleeping naked for him. I never in my life enjoyed sleeping naked.. I've always slept in shorts and a comfy t-shirt. But I started for him. Now I feel like this is pointless because he doesn't even want my body. So why sleep naked anymore? Yet I still do it. I've also cut back on my drinking for him. I used to have a few drinks every weekend, and liked to go out on Fridays and Saturdays. I wouldn't get sloppy drunk, but I would drink enough to be considered impaired. He didn't like this, and didn't like going out as much as I did. Now I only drink once a month at most and stop myself when I'm feeling tipsy. We have date nights, but I don't go out with my girlfriends or do much without him at all anymore. I'm not upset about these things. I eagerly changed them to make him happy and to make our relationship better.

 

I think that the sex issues are what have mostly caused this "disconnect" from him in my mind. I think feeling unwanted is what hurts me the most. I love sex. I would do anything for him. Sex helps me feel loved by him and connected to him. Without it, I feel like his best buddy or something. What man in his early 30's doesn't want sex as much as his girlfriend/fiance/wife? I fear I'll one day start to think about sleeping with other men. I wouldn't cheat, but to break up a marriage because I want to have passionate, good sex with a man who isn't my husband?? I don't want to go there. And maybe the weird distance I sense between us is just my mind saying, "this lack of intimacy isn't right."

 

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dating and never committing to a serious relationship. I can't stand this pain that comes with a relationship gone stale, and everything I'm feeling now that the spark has faded. But I love my fiance so much. All the good between us does outweigh the bad. I just wish we could go back in time.

[ChooseTruth]

Any relationship will experience ups and downs. You'll lose the butterflies but regain them if you work together to meet each others' needs, and then lose them again, etc. I would assume he is never going to change. You can't change people, only yourself or your situation. If you still want to be with him given what I just said, that's mature love, but if not, don't make a huge mistake.

[writergal]

OP,

 

You mentioned that you tried to talk to your fiance about your issues before, but nothing changed with him so you left once, but then came back. And yet, the same issues persist.

 

I'd say at this point you can try marriage counseling, or add "couples counseling" to the marriage contract for the next 1-2 years as part of the pre-nuptial agreement. If he breaks counseling at any time, then he breaks the pre-nuptial agreement and divorce is the result. It's a little out-there, but just something that popped into my head.

 

Or, you can break off the engagement for the reasons that you mentioned, because it sounds to me like at your gut-level, you just don't feel like he's a person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

 

I don't know what your financial situation is, or if you two co-own a home or co-rent. But if you do decide to break off the engagement and end the relationship then the fallout will be for either you or he to find a new place to live if you can financially afford it.

 

It sucks that you're in this situation because being engaged means being happy with the person whom you've chosen to spend the rest of your life with.

 

Sure there are stages to relationships, but I don't really think the whole stages theory applies here, b/c you've tried to reconcile these problems with discussions before, but your fiance hasn't changed his ways. And it's likely that he really won't change. So ask yourself, what are you willing to put up with being married to this guy? Make a list of pros and cons. Put aside other people's opinions and judgments because those all are outside views; only your view matters b/c you're the one in the situation and you're the one who has to be with your fiance (if you choose to be). If you choose not to be, THAT OKAY TOO. Don't go through with this marriage to please your fiance, your parents, or his parents, or your or his friends etc., or strangers on a message board.

 

Make the best decision for yourself and be okay with it, no matter what anyone else says.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

New member here, hi!

 

Unfortunately I'm here because I'm considering ending my engagement. My boyfriend proposed 6 months ago, and at the time I thought everything was going to work out. Now I'm not really sure.

 

I thought (stupidly) that our problems would get better now that we were facing marriage. But if anything, a lot of my issues with him have gotten worse. Our relationship really isn't that bad, but I'm at a point where I'm just bored with him and realizing he isn't going to be making much of himself in this life. I think I was blinded by my love for him before the proposal, and once we got engaged, I really began to look at our relationship from a more realistic point of view.

 

Things are not that bad. We get along ok, we have a lot in common and at one point, were madly in love. But after 2 years of being together, things have grown a little cold. Here are my big issues:

 

1: I don't think he's that in to me. Sure, he loves me. But is he IN LOVE with me? I can't really tell anymore. It's not because of anything he does, doesn't do, or anything he says. He's not mean or cold. In fact he does make kind gestures and is loving and even thoughtful at times. But much of the time, it's like he's just "not all there" in our relationship anymore, if you know what I mean. I guess it's hard to explain. He can seem so distant. Absorbed with lots of other things. Far away.

 

2: Sex. He doesn't want it nearly as much as I do. And I hate this. He is fine with having sex once a week or less. Sometimes we've gone a whole month without it. I stopped initiating because of rejection. When he does initiate, it's almost awkward. It's never passionate anymore. He never tries to turn me on. It's boring and meaningless and I'm really tired of it. Makes me feel ugly or unwanted. He wasn't like this until we had been together for about 8 months. Before that, he was an animal and we had sex almost every day. I wish he'd just admit that he's not all that into sex with me anymore, but he won't.

 

3: He doesn't have a lot of ambition. I was ok with this before. I don't need a rich man or even a "well off" man. But on top of all our other issues, I look at him now and see laziness. I think, "Why am I so in love with this guy?" I work more than he does, I do all the cleaning, cooking, taking care of the house, etc. He seems happy to come home and nap and not do much else unless it involves something fun or something he's interested in.

 

We've had talks about all of these things. I've even walked away once because of them. He always blames some sort of stress or "temporary situation" and promises things will get better. Sometimes they do for a few weeks, but then he's right back to his old ways. I know I'm not perfect and I've made my mistakes too. I probably complain about these things too often now. But I try not to "nag", and discuss these things seriously and calmly with him. I also work on my issues and encourage him to communicate with me. I've changed a few things for him, and have stuck to the changes I made. But I guess he doesn't take me seriously at all and thinks I'll marry him even though I'm growing quite miserable.

 

What do you all think? Are these things that can be turned around? Should I end my relationship with this man who I wanted so badly to marry at one point? I love him so much and I wish he'd work on us more. Just a few small changes and everything would be pretty perfect. But if he refuses to change, I can't see myself ever being happy going on like this for the rest of our lives. Oh and no, he will not go to counseling. He doesn't believe in it, and I'm not really that type either. Should I propose a break, or break things off and focus on myself, in hopes he'll realize what needs to be done? Or is that manipulative? Will he ever be interested in having sex with me again? I don't know what to do anymore.

 

 

 

Wow, I really admire the rational tone, and detailed analysis in your report here.

 

 

Itemizing:

 

 

#1 - I can only glean that youuuuuuuuuuuu have a certain awareness about him, that feels off-kilter to you. Outsiders don't know whether subject #1 represents more of your own (could be) tendency for self-doubt or whether he's truly not fully into your relationship. (#1 is inconclusive to me)

 

 

#2 - Different sex drives are a very real problem/challenge for partners and it is probably normal that the point after the bliss wears off decides how great the disparity is that way. His rejecting your advances is really a slap in the face, and a considerable negative on this list. (wouldn't mind knowing whether anything in his life changed considerably as of the point just after 8 months into your relationship) (this oh-so-feminine impulse to blame yourself (or any could-be shortcomings) for a random person not wanting to have sex with you as much as he used to (is more near to what I would typically expect from this sort of a thread on LS)) (I have been mostly impressed by your thread for opposite reasons)

 

#3 - While generally a bad sign... #3 would also 'fit' if indeed there had been something impacting his life after the 8-month mark of your relationship. Outside of that, I do agree that it is OK for you to aim higher.

 

 

 

You've done the sensible things... talking about those issues... and walking away once... I love that he's not some terrible guy.

 

Though since you mentioned counseling... I think you could soooooooooooooo gain from that... from a provided blueprint of how couples should be communicating.

 

That experience could be priceless for each of you through the rest of your lives, regardless of whether you split or stay together.

 

(and it's OK if it's not really your thing either...)

 

Truth is, you have a guy who has been important to you... and who doesn't seem broken... and who really could be the 'prize' you've always wanted him to be... and, like I said, it could be so priceless to afford yourselves THE CHANCE for this closer scrutiny to help you better determine your realistic hopes.

 

Something that arises in counseling just might jar your guy into finally exposing something that might help you understand so much more... At the very worst, it would paint a clear picture telling you to call it off... and with that as the worst case, it is probably worth taking a chance on unlocking, through couples counseling, the possibility that this really could be the right guy after all.

[Elliotte]

Thank you all for the replies so far. Some seem to say leave, and others say work on it. Parts of me agree with each of you.

 

Elliotte.. you are right about the relationship stages. I know most relationships grow stale, and making them work is what keeps things going. I was in a long term relationship in the past with a man for 4 years. We always had an amazing sex life and I never questioned his love for me. We worked on things together and it was really easy actually, because we both seemed to care so much. Now it's like I'm the one who's doing all the caring, and my current guy just wants to sail along, content in this stale relationship.

 

I do focus on his issues here, and yes I've had my own that he wasn't too happy with. But I've changed or at least improved on anything he's brought up or complained about. A couple examples: A year into the relationship, he started complaining about my sleeping habits (basically how late I would go to bed). So I changed that. It took a lot of effort to train myself to wake up earlier and get tired at 11 PM instead of 2 AM. But I did it, and have maintained my new schedule ever since. I also started sleeping naked for him. I never in my life enjoyed sleeping naked.. I've always slept in shorts and a comfy t-shirt. But I started for him. Now I feel like this is pointless because he doesn't even want my body. So why sleep naked anymore? Yet I still do it. I've also cut back on my drinking for him. I used to have a few drinks every weekend, and liked to go out on Fridays and Saturdays. I wouldn't get sloppy drunk, but I would drink enough to be considered impaired. He didn't like this, and didn't like going out as much as I did. Now I only drink once a month at most and stop myself when I'm feeling tipsy. We have date nights, but I don't go out with my girlfriends or do much without him at all anymore. I'm not upset about these things. I eagerly changed them to make him happy and to make our relationship better.

 

I think that the sex issues are what have mostly caused this "disconnect" from him in my mind. I think feeling unwanted is what hurts me the most. I love sex. I would do anything for him. Sex helps me feel loved by him and connected to him. Without it, I feel like his best buddy or something. What man in his early 30's doesn't want sex as much as his girlfriend/fiance/wife? I fear I'll one day start to think about sleeping with other men. I wouldn't cheat, but to break up a marriage because I want to have passionate, good sex with a man who isn't my husband?? I don't want to go there. And maybe the weird distance I sense between us is just my mind saying, "this lack of intimacy isn't right."

 

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dating and never committing to a serious relationship. I can't stand this pain that comes with a relationship gone stale, and everything I'm feeling now that the spark has faded. But I love my fiance so much. All the good between us does outweigh the bad. I just wish we could go back in time.

 

...I don't know if the examples you gave are you saving face or just in my opinion, but the improvements made in this relationship are awfully skewed in his favor.

 

At least, I wouldn't consider whether or not you slept naked, enjoyed going out on weekends and had a few drinks, or what your sleep schedule was as major issues that need changing. Your concerns about him being distant, having no libido or ambition in his life, are far more important issues when it comes to the overall picture of who you want to spend your life with, yet he has not at least started the groundwork on long term solutions?

 

At first I tried coming at this non-biased, but it's starting to sound like you're dating a loser who wants to pull you down to his level, which seems much lower than yours.... at least I would say a woman who has ambitions, a long lasting libido and likes to have fun on weekends as a pretty amazing catch.

 

Seek couples therapy immediately, do not get married before that!

[BetrayedH]

It's time for an ultimatum, couples counseling or you're done.

 

Don't avoid the conflict. As well-intentioned as you might be, that leads to resentment and unresolved resentment will kill a relationship. It also leads to (as you aptly predicted) affairs. Conflict-avoidance is a major problem. Put your boundaries in place about what you expect from a relationship and stick to them. If you cannot accept the status quo, don't accept it. We fix this or we're not getting married. Give him a legit chance to respond and then act accordingly. Lulls will happen. Don't chase that "in love" feeling because real love matures and becomes much more about mutual respect and admiration. But I think lack of intimacy and his lack of motivation may point to incompatibility. Counseling gives you a safe place to explore what changes are realistic so you can determine if it's incompatibility or not. That's why I say to insist upon it. If he won't go (or you won't) then you're taking a very simple and normal option off the table and I question how important this relationship is at all. Sitting down and having real conversations is critical and if that's too much of a hassle, then the relationship isn't enough of a priority to survive marriage.

[d0nnivain]

These issues do need to be addressed before marriage & before you start putting non-refundable deposits down on wedding stuff. Postpone now, to get as much money back as possible.

 

Fix the issues & move forward or end the engagement.

[devilish innocent]

I definitely think you should put the wedding on hold for a long while if not break-up with him all together. Getting married doesn't solve problems. It tends to make them worse. It also shouldn't be about committing to someone because you expected them to be a wonderful catch during the honeymoon stage. It should be about committing to somebody because you want to hold on to what you have with them, and you know you can rely on each other to work on maintaining a good relationship. Of course, every relationship will have some problems. But over-all, you should believe you've gotten a good catch, or it won't work. If you're having doubts, then call off the wedding. Good luck!

[Iguanna]

You can change some things in life, but one thing you can't change is making someone obtain ambitions in life while they don't have any. He may be a good guy and you may love him and all, but you can't have a family with such a person. I don't consider sex that much of an issue, these things can be worked out, but him being lazy and having no ambitions is a no - no for marriage.