Marriage issues- now I lost interest?

[dichotomy]

Moderators do not move this thread please. Delete if you have to, but don't move it to sexuality section please, this is about marriage and kind of infidelity as it is sex.

 

 

Besides her EA (former PA), and lying hiding her past, and being a better partner, we have been focusing on my wife’s declining sex drive.

 

More and more long stitches of no sex, or on her back sex, with only the occasional wild peak, and then nothing again. I was really pushing her for years to get more consistancy.

 

The sex therapist has been getting some success with her rediscovering her wild side, but it’s erratic and slow but I see something happening a little. At least I have laid off pushing her to get busy - and let therapist do it.

 

Then a month ago my sexual interest went "poof". I am actually pleased enough with my wife's other Non-sexual efforts as of late. We seem more affectionate and enjoying each other. We are able to handle discussions about her EA/PA past without anger. Then wife even last weekend provided some fun oral (while I watched an action movie) and she initiated it and seemed to enjoy giving it.....but she could tell at first I could care less if anything was going to happen.... and so she seemed to work harder I think because of it.

 

Trying to figure out why my interest went "poof". Stress at work is possible cause (its been really bad at work). Some new BP meds and other theapy may be at work. Maybe simply getting used to "taking care of myself", and not having sex with her, maybe I am tired of badgering her and gave up. Maybe medical (I have full checkup next week and do have things that could interfere). Its not ED - I fuction fine and get erections quickly. I may lay off the "taking care of myself" for a while to see if that jump starts things in me.

 

At there is no real feeling of resentment or anger - in fact I feel better about her and the marriage - just not interested in sex. Strange as I have been a raging bag of hormones and energy over the last three years.

 

I have yet to bring this up in MC because my wife would take it personally - as in I do not find her sexually interesting - when in fact my interest is down period (but can't say either I stopped thinking about cute women I see or movie stars).

 

Sigh. I guess now I am the one who has to work hard to accept HER sexual advances - when she wants it - to keep thing moving.

Edited December 18, 2013 by dichotomy

[oldshirt]

Moderators do not move this thread please. Delete if you have to, but don't move it to sexuality section please, this is about marriage and kind of infidelity as it is sex.

 

 

Besides her EA (former PA), and lying hiding her past, and being a better partner, we have been focusing on my wife’s declining sex drive.

 

More and more long stitches of no sex, or on her back sex, with only the occasional wild peak, and then nothing again. I was really pushing her for years to get more consistancy.

 

The sex therapist has been getting some success with her rediscovering her wild side, but it’s erratic and slow but I see something happening a little. At least I have laid off pushing her to get busy - and let therapist do it.

 

Then a month ago my sexual interest went "poof". I am actually pleased enough with my wife's other Non-sexual efforts as of late. We seem more affectionate and enjoying each other. We are able to handle discussions about her EA/PA past without anger. Then wife even last weekend provided some fun oral (while I watched an action movie) and she initiated it and seemed to enjoy giving it.....but she could tell at first I could care less if anything was going to happen.... and so she seemed to work harder I think because of it.

 

Trying to figure out why my interest went "poof". Stress at work is possible cause (its been really bad at work). Some new BP meds and other theapy may be at work. Maybe simply getting used to "taking care of myself", and not having sex with her, maybe I am tired of badgering her and gave up. Maybe medical (I have full checkup next week and do have things that could interfere). Its not ED - I fuction fine and get erections quickly. I may lay off the "taking care of myself" for a while to see if that jump starts things in me.

 

At there is no real feeling of resentment or anger - in fact I feel better about her and the marriage - just not interested in sex. Strange as I have been a raging bag of hormones and energy over the last three years.

 

I have yet to bring this up in MC because my wife would take it personally - as in I do not find her sexually interesting - when in fact my interest is down period (but can't say either I stopped thinking about cute women I see or movie stars).

 

Sigh. I guess now I am the one who has to work hard to accept HER sexual advances - when she wants it - to keep thing moving.

 

Have you lost all drive and desire or just for her?

 

Are you still getting morning wood?

 

Do other women still catch your eye?

 

Do you still have any sexual thoughts, images or fantasies in your mind during the day?

 

Generally speaking if someone loses their sexual desire it is one or more of the following -

 

- a physiological/psychological issue with them.

 

- an issue with their partners desirability ie gotten fat, treating them bad, being a butt etc

 

- outside sexual outlet ie cheating, porn etc

 

- issue within the relationship causing an issue with intimacy ie infidelity, neglect, abuse, addiction etc

 

In your case you have several things that could apply to multiple areas. A thorough physical and discussing it with your Dr would be the logical first step.

[dichotomy]

Have you lost all drive and desire or just for her?

I would say I have lost most drive and desire in general - not just her.

 

Are you still getting morning wood?

 

Mostly yes.

 

Do other women still catch your eye?

 

I notice only a little now, but its a notable drop off.

 

Do you still have any sexual thoughts, images or fantasies in your mind during the day?

Other than "taking care of myself" my thoughts and images are way down.

 

Generally speaking if someone loses their sexual desire it is one or more of the following -

 

- a physiological/psychological issue with them.

 

I am under tremendous stress at work right now, very bad - never had anything like this in my career. I have had to get a short term prescription for anxiety med. Losing my job has become a possibility, and for sure my reputation is taking a hit in the company - I see no way to recover at this company. I am scrambling to secure a new job and get out of this toxic mess ASAP. I am fortunate to have had a long good career so I already have two companies who know me with openings who are very interested in interviews after the holidays. Also have had had long term depression over issues in marriage and loss of parents two years ago at this time of year. Lastly I went though a short but unpleasant battle with cancer and some other moderate medical issues this year - all resolved to doctors views - but not pleasant mentally for me. My best guess is I was on unstable legs to begin with (working on marriage, time of year, etc) and the horrible job stress has pushed me to the edge of not being able to cope. But maybe, just maybe I finally got worn down from pursing my wife for sex, taking care of myself - and I am just accepting/ok that she is being a better wife and partner to me in other areas which was also something i wanted.

- an issue with their partners desirability ie gotten fat, treating them bad, being a butt etc

There has been no major change in wife's appearance (i like curvy women anyway and don't care about this kind of thing when I love someone), she has been better as a wife and partner so there has been some improvements recently Prior to this we went though three months of no sex (this repeated it self over the years - hot and cold), and I do know resentment or perhaps exhaustion of getting her to want to have sex was wearing me down. It was not just frequency of sex, we had to deal with her no longer being interested in things like oral sex. Occasionally the old her would show up however, and she would crave everything. But I do find myself at peace with her renewed efforts in other areas as a partner to me.

 

- outside sexual outlet ie cheating, porn etc

 

I was advised earlier this year by sex therapist to "take care of myself" as much as my drive needed -which was alot - while my wife tried to find a her "wild side" . So I am using porn as part taking care of myself. This is not new to me - but using it daily and regularly for a long period is. But even my interest in this is down now. I should probably try a break over the holidays from it and taking care of myself. There is no cheating on my side (although I struggled with occasional thoughts out of frustration), and I am reasonably certain there is none on her side since dDay.

 

- issue within the relationship causing an issue with intimacy ie infidelity, neglect, abuse, addiction etc

My wife did have an EA with an old lover MM (complicated story) many years ago. We have taken a LONG time to get good therapy over it and get wife to show remorse. The new therapist has helped her work on expressing regret more, and being accountable more. Actually I don't really feel much anger or resentment anymore over things with her right now- in fact I feel more at peace and even affectionate (holding hands, hugging) than in a long while. So the lack of sexual interest is strange.

 

In your case you have several things that could apply to multiple areas. A thorough physical and discussing it with your Dr would be the logical first step.

 

Yes - agreed. It could be a perfect storm of things -medical and stress and psychological . I am definitely getting checked out. Physical exam with complete blood work and hormones next week, getting out of my horrible job (hopefully by end of January), more focused MC on sex , finding time to get back to workouts regularly. I will keep at it.

 

 

Thanks for listening. It may just be one of those times in my life.

Edited December 19, 2013 by dichotomy

[Els]

What new BP meds are you taking? Did the decline correspond exactly with when you started?

[dichotomy]

What new BP meds are you taking? Did the decline correspond exactly with when you started?

 

 

I am taking cardizem now. I was on it a full month or more before my libido went down. It was prescribed for both BP and my first afib event this year. I googled it did not see much complaints on my issue. I also started sleep apena treatment and I am sleeping more soundly now, so that should be a positive according to studies. I also need to check my hormone levels.

[Els]

Interesting; loss of libido isn't a reported side effect of cardizem (diltiazem), from what I've read.

 

Yes, definitely do get your hormone levels checked. Ordinarily I would say it's psychological/emotional due to the affair, but since you were okay all this time until recently, a physical cause might be possible. The stress from work would likely contribute, too.

[xxoo]

Maybe it's still affair related. You were driven to win her back her interest, and now that you have--the drive is gone.

[tired girl]

I would think that laying off of taking care of yourself for a little bit could help.

 

Also, what do you do as far as hobbies and interests for yourself so that you can decompress? With all of this stress, are you taking care of you? Coping mechanisms can get stretched to the max in times of high stress like you have had for the past year, and if you are not decompressing at some point and putting energy back into you, then you will just feel drained and uninterested in life and the things that you previously liked.

 

So are you doing anything for you?

[Elliotte]

...this strikes me as a happy new phase! You don't have the hormones stressing you out about when she will 'let you' have sex with her, and now she's turned on because she has to work for it! But I don't see you describing that it's stressing you out to 'accept' her advances... she initiated oral, and you enjoyed it while watching an action flick! I'd be worried if she wasn't making you hard or you felt like rejecting her advances, but it seems like you two have finally hit a new middle ground. I actually hope to achieve this in my marriage.

 

This could be a stage of acceptance for you, you've gotten comfortable with your sex drive and have no problem taking care of it yourself, rather than those needs being met by her. For the longest time I struggled with this, thinking I should be ashamed for needing to please myself and that my wife should almost always be ready to take care of my needs...but that leads to an angry cycle of path and resentment between both of you.

 

It would seem like you both broke that cycle, kudos to the both of you! I hope to reach that place soon with my relationship too!

[dichotomy]

I would think that laying off of taking care of yourself for a little bit could help.

 

Also, what do you do as far as hobbies and interests for yourself so that you can decompress? With all of this stress, are you taking care of you? Coping mechanisms can get stretched to the max in times of high stress like you have had for the past year, and if you are not decompressing at some point and putting energy back into you, then you will just feel drained and uninterested in life and the things that you previously liked.

 

So are you doing anything for you?

 

I do work out - have been pretty good about it for last three years. But I will admit the extra hours at work, stress, illness and so on -and I have really gone down to bare minimum (once or twice a week). I do need to get back to this again.

 

I also need to go back and get massages which I used to do more regulalrly

[dichotomy]

...this strikes me as a happy new phase! You don't have the hormones stressing you out about when she will 'let you' have sex with her, and now she's turned on because she has to work for it! But I don't see you describing that it's stressing you out to 'accept' her advances... she initiated oral, and you enjoyed it while watching an action flick! I'd be worried if she wasn't making you hard or you felt like rejecting her advances, but it seems like you two have finally hit a new middle ground. I actually hope to achieve this in my marriage.

 

This could be a stage of acceptance for you, you've gotten comfortable with your sex drive and have no problem taking care of it yourself, rather than those needs being met by her. For the longest time I struggled with this, thinking I should be ashamed for needing to please myself and that my wife should almost always be ready to take care of my needs...but that leads to an angry cycle of path and resentment between both of you.

 

It would seem like you both broke that cycle, kudos to the both of you! I hope to reach that place soon with my relationship too!

 

Maybe you have something (a little here) -

 

1) I seem to be happier with her other partnership and support and acceptance of her old affair, so I maybe letting up on getting sex from her. In other words she is putting out in other ways, and I am focusing on getting this (not sex) from her finally.

 

2) She can sense when a man ( me or others) might be a challenge or is cocky or can take or leave her - and she ramps up her sex to prove her power or control. Best sex I had was two year ago when she was convinced I was having an affair - who boy ! Not healthy - but thats how she uses sex. Would be better if it was tied to intmacy and love, but we are working on that in therapy.

 

3) I may actually like my sexual interest coming down to her level, if I am not angry or resentful - and maybe "what ever" ....then maybe she puts in efforts on sex? I get hard alright - and can perform and will perform - its just she needs to make it happen for now.

 

 

I don't know. I will need a month to get though tests and job search and more MC. It may just be a phase and my 25 year old hormone levels will come raging through again.

Edited December 19, 2013 by dichotomy

[oldshirt]

In addition to getting a thorough physical and discussing this with your doctor (which is a whole other topic. some Drs consider decreasing libido as a "normal" part of aging and won't try to do anything about it)

I recommend laying off the porn and spanking.

 

 

I'm not an anti-porn moralist. I like porn as much as the next person. But the older and wiser I get, I do believe there is some correlation between porn and sexual dysfunction.

 

 

It simply makes sense really. the more you keep your tank drained the less "charged" you are going to be. If you are always walking around in a drained state you are just simply not going to have the sexual energy and charisma and edginess that you would if your mojo was up to snuff.

 

 

Much of women's desire and libido is what is called, "reactive desire" which is that women don't walk around in a state of horniness like men do. they react and respond to a man's virility and desire. So it only makes sense if you are walking around in a refractory state all the time and are not all primed up and ready to go, she isn't going to be ready to go either. If you are in a sexually innert state, she is going to be in a sexually innert state and neither of you are going to seduce or stimulate each other and you become roommates.

 

 

I can't say I completely buy off on everything they say, but there is some interesting stuff on yourbrainonporn dot com. They have some interesting videos on youtube as well. In in nutshell they assert that porn rewires your brain and your hormones so that you build up a tolerance for sexually explicit imagery to the point that a normal flesh and blood women in normal every day life just doesn't do anything for you anymore.

 

 

As examples they cite all the young men in their early 20s that are being treated for ED because they can not perform with real women in real life. A guy in his early 20 should get hard when the wind blows. But what is happening is these guys are draining their tanks so much and rewiring their brains and conditioning themselves to require hundreds of different perfect-bodied porn starlets to arouse them to the point that no singular flesh and blood woman can compete.

 

 

Guys that go cold turkey on the porn and spanking report that in a matter of weeks they have a lot more energy, a lot more mojo and a lot more responsive to flesh and blood women in their real lives.

 

 

It won't hurt you in the slightest to give it a try and it doesn't cost a cent. It may take a few weeks for your brain and hormones to rewire but what do you have to lose.

 

 

In many ways porn is like an affair in that your sexual time and energies are being expended elsewhere besides with your partner.

 

 

Lay off the porn. Don't drain your own tank and see your Dr for a full physical and evaluation

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

As examples they cite all the young men in their early 20s that are being treated for ED because they can not perform with real women in real life. A guy in his early 20 should get hard when the wind blows. But what is happening is these guys are draining their tanks so much and rewiring their brains and conditioning themselves to require hundreds of different perfect-bodied porn starlets to arouse them to the point that no singular flesh and blood woman can compete.

 

 

 

 

...Oh and on some of the porn recovery sites, many of the female porn-widows who's men were having performance issues and weren't giving them the attention and lovins that they needed have adopted a policy called, "In me or on me."

 

 

And that is quite simply and graphically that if a guys tank is going to be drained, it has to be 'in her or on her.' She has to be a part of and involved with his sexual arousal and release. He can't be doing himself alone, with porn or with anyone else.

 

 

It's turning your sexuality into the relationship instead of turning outside of the relationship.

 

 

IMHO, your therapist that told you to start spanking and taking care of yourself and to take your sexuality away from your wife, did both of you a huge disfavor.

 

 

Women need to feel desired and wanted in order to be desirous and to feel loved and cherished by their husbands. Yes, there is a point where they start to feel pressured, used and wanted only for sex but telling a husband to take matters into his own hands, is not a friend of the relationship.

[fujidabruin]

Hey Dichotomy,

 

If there is nothing about you physiological that you can point to..... perhaps you have slipped into a bit of a depression. Have you felt unmotivated in general? The things that you normally love do not "light you up" as per usual?

 

Perhaps, you should discuss this with those that know you best and be honest with yourself. I know through my own rough times that it is not easy to accept depression and it can be sneaky as well.

 

Hope you find your "MoJo" soon. Good Luck.

[dichotomy]

Hey Dichotomy,

 

If there is nothing about you physiological that you can point to..... perhaps you have slipped into a bit of a depression. Have you felt unmotivated in general? The things that you normally love do not "light you up" as per usual?

 

Perhaps, you should discuss this with those that know you best and be honest with yourself. I know through my own rough times that it is not easy to accept depression and it can be sneaky as well.

 

Hope you find your "MoJo" soon. Good Luck.

 

 

Yes I am working on the depression thing, motivation and drive is low. Over the years I have worked my way into numerous notable leadership roles - at work, in my profession, and my town. Always fixing things - helping others -solving issues for others, including my wife and children. But last year or two I have been unmotivated and kind of coasting or going through . Some close to me have noticed by withdrawal. Real losses involved too in my life did not help this year or last.

 

"Leading" my wife to her own healthy place in our marriage has also been a major role for me over the years - including sexual leadership. Maybe I am coasting on this last part now too.

 

I have good IC, and psychiatrist and I am working with them again.

Edited December 23, 2013 by dichotomy

[Mr. Lucky]

I was advised earlier this year by sex therapist to "take care of myself" as much as my drive needed -which was alot - while my wife tried to find a her "wild side" . So I am using porn as part taking care of myself. This is not new to me - but using it daily and regularly for a long period is. But even my interest in this is down now.

 

Copied the bolded above because I couldn't quote it.

 

I'd be concerned that daily use of porn implies issues/expectations that can't be realistically met in a relationship. Have you discussed this in your IC?

 

Mr. Lucky

[dichotomy]

 

I'd be concerned that daily use of porn implies issues/expectations that can't be realistically met in a relationship. Have you discussed this in your IC?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Expectations?

 

I want sex once a week minimum, twice a week ideal (baring sickness or injuries). I would like oral (giving and receiving) to be brought back into a good portion (at least half) of our sexual get together. I would like positions other than missionary in our bed. I would like a little fun, passion, enthusiasm. and desire. Nothing we did not have for certain periods of our dating or marriage..... and still WAY below how she was with OM and past lovers.

 

Thats about it..... sound realistic?

 

Our MC/Sex therapist thinks my requests or needs are not only realistic, they are essential and basic requests. Therapist has stated that I appear to be a good and caring husband who has done much for her and the kids (one is not mine) - and wife agrees I am super husband/dad. Wife can't point (nor can therapist) anything major I need to do of change to improve her desire and bring back her old self. Therapist suggested I "drain my energy" - to stop pressuring her - while she figures her sexual problems out. Also there were some conflicts over the EA and her past that we both have gotten under better control (I was to blame as well) thanks to therapist.

 

We have not even broached "mildly spicy" things like role playing, sexy underwear, toys, silk restraints, fantasies...or whatever in therapy.

 

Porn is not the issue creating unrealistic needs in me.

 

I have received some very good reading material suggestions from Old shirt and I will continue with MC working on wife.

 

To divert this from being a sexual issue/thread (thanks moderators!) - i will return to marriage and love issues that my wife has. She has not had a good basis for what loving committed and monogamous love should be. Bad father, bad first marriage, bad other men after that... I am trying to help her, just tired these days with all else I have to "fix" in my life right now. Medical tests first need to be resolved, then job stress, then more counseling and book reading (thanks oldshirt). I will reduce the amount of energy I am "draining" and get back to basics.

 

Thanks for everyones kind input and concerns. Suggestions were welcomed.

Edited December 23, 2013 by dichotomy

[Mr. Lucky]

I want sex once a week minimum, twice a week ideal (baring sickness or injuries). I would like oral (giving and receiving) to be brought back into a good portion (at least half) of our sexual get together. I would like positions other than missionary in our bed. I would like a little fun, passion, enthusiasm. and desire. Nothing we did not have for certain periods of our dating or marriage..... and still WAY below how she was with OM and past lovers.

 

Thats about it..... sound realistic?

Not only realistic but healthy. I was keying on the daily use of porn, in my perception a dangerous approach in any relationship, working or dysfunctional. YMMV and I wish you success in the continued recovery of your marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky