Dealing With a Selfish Spouse

[cat5]

I'll keep this as breif as possible.

 

Last week I made a request to my wife in regards to how I'd like a particular aspect of our relationship to be different sometimes. I'd prefer not to get in the specifics mostly because not getting my way isn't what is upsetting to me.

 

The response I got from my wife was this "That sounds perfectly reasonable, I can understand why you would want that. It wouldn't require much effort on my part, but no."

 

I am at a loss. I asked in a respectful, loving way. Her words weren't in anger. I can't imagine ever saying those words to her. A part of me feels that I should say that from now on. But what does that accomplish? Is being cold and unloving going to change her? No.

 

What can I do? Put up/shut up or leave? There has to be other options.

[d0nnivain]

Wow. I guess I would want some more explanation for why not if she admits it wouldn't be too much trouble.

[Eivuwan]

Wow, that sounds so callous and selfish. I don't know what to say. What do you want to do about it?

[InnocentMan]

The specifics would probably help with anyone wishing to offer advice.

[Iguanna]

Firstly you should approach her again and let her know that what she said hurt you, not because she won't do what you asked for but cause she sounded kinda selfish. Then you act according to her reaction.

[Elliotte]

This story needs details. There has to be a reason as to why she would say that, other than her simply blowing off your request. What is "easy" is completely a relative concept and there's gotta be some serious context to what she said that you're not sharing here, or maybe you are completely unaware of and have not considered.

 

Maybe expressing that what she said hurt you and you'd like further explanation as to why she said what she did, but if you call it selfish, I am betting you're in for a fight, rather than the productive discussion you want.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Just admit it and give the details. The story is old and tired here and regardless of how trivial or inconsequential the request may be it is about her body and thus she will respond as she did with little regard for you or reorse and you can make the decision to accept it or leave....

[cat5]

Just admit it and give the details. The story is old and tired here and regardless of how trivial or inconsequential the request may be it is about her body and thus she will respond as she did with little regard for you or reorse and you can make the decision to accept it or leave....

 

Ok so you're right, it is.

 

I asked to spice things up some. Nothing crazy. Nothing we hadn't ever done before. I'm talking more than the two normal positions, lingerie, a room other than the bedroom. Basically vacation sex, at home. We both agreed that we've fallen into a routine the last couple years. And that aspect of our lives has become mundane.

 

I hate peer pressure!

[bubbaganoosh]

I would ask her what part of your request would require so much effort. Ask her why it would be so hard to have sex on the couch or the family room or any room.

 

Why is it so much effort to wear sexy underwear. You put them on the same way as the other ones in her drawer.

 

Why it's so much of an effort to show a little more love to your husband.

 

Sound to me like you do a whole lot more for her than she does for you. If it was me, when she asks for something from you, I would sit down, get a look on your face like your thinking about it and just say "Nah. That requires too much effort so the answer is no"

 

Throw her selfishness back on her side and see how she likes it and keep it up until she sees that she's the one that's being unfair.

[thinkingofhim]

Question, has she gained weight/does she feel less 'sexy'? Could be a self consciousness issue?

[cat5]

Nah, it's not a body image thing. She's probably in better shape than she's ever been. She never worked out, but now she goes to the gym 3-4 times a week.

 

Bubbaganoosh: I hear you. That was my first reaction. And a very tempting response. But two wrongs, blah blah blah. I don't know if she would respond well to that type of action. Knowing her she would say I'm punishing her in order to get my way. That is what a taste of her own medicine taste like to her.

 

Like I said in the first post, this isn't about getting my way. To me it's about her attitude. If there are legit reasons ok fine. But to tell me I'm not being unreasonable, that I have realistic expectations, that require little effort, but I don't care enough to make you happy hurts.

 

But I'm not pouting. I'm going about life as normal. Perhaps I'll do what bubba suggest but wait until she ask for something extravagant which also knowing her will be sooner rather than later.

[Janesays]

Op, why are you avoiding telling us WHY she said she wouldn't do it? She must have said something...what was her excuse?

[cat5]

Op, why are you avoiding telling us WHY she said she wouldn't do it? She must have said something...what was her excuse?

 

I'm not avoiding the why. I was too flustered in the moment to be clear headed enough to ask why for a better explanation. I'd guess the only other tidbit she said was that she doesn't really want to, that she likes things as they are.

[Speakingofwhich]

Ok so you're right, it is.

 

I asked to spice things up some. Nothing crazy. Nothing we hadn't ever done before. I'm talking more than the two normal positions, lingerie, a room other than the bedroom. Basically vacation sex, at home. We both agreed that we've fallen into a routine the last couple years. And that aspect of our lives has become mundane.

 

I hate peer pressure!

 

Sounds as if there are walls up between the two of you and if you move beyond the boundaries of your established routine (sexually) that may somehow seem more intimate than she's willing to be with you at this time.

 

Are the two of you emotionally intimate? And is it possible that you don't sense a distance but she does?

[Janesays]

I'm not avoiding the why. I was too flustered in the moment to be clear headed enough to ask why for a better explanation. I'd guess the only other tidbit she said was that she doesn't really want to, that she likes things as they are.

 

Ask her then.

[d0nnivain]

I'd guess the only other tidbit she said was that she doesn't really want to, that she likes things as they are.

 

Why do I get the feeling that what you asked for was either an open relationship where you were free to date other people or some other kind of sex thing where you'd agree to do "all the work" but based on the unconventional nature of the act she's declining?

[beatcuff]

why should she?

 

shouldn't sex be something BOTH participants feel comfortable with?

 

BTW sounds like YOU are the selfish spouse (wanting something, not getting it so thinking of leaving).

[Janesays]

Yeah, something is definitely missing from this story. No way that his wife said, "that's a perfectly reasonable request, but I'm not going to do it anyway, nyah, nyah" like he claims. And then he didn't even bother to ask her why? Naahhhh....I call BS.

 

OP, if you can't be honest and upfront about the situation, then we can't help you.

[cat5]

Now hold on a minute.

 

This has gone way too far. Assumptions are being made that are so far off base.

 

This is NOT about an open relationship. Not even close. Assumptions like that are precisely why I preferred not to talk about exactly what I asked for. After being asked a couple of times I opened up. Frankly that assumption bothers me on a couple levels. First of all it's assumed that I lied when I said what it was that I had asked for. Secondly it was assumed that because I am a man that I want to sleep with other women. Nothing could be further from the truth. So to recap, I am a man. That doesn't mean I am also liar and want to sleep with other women.

 

Also, I didn't say I was thinking of leaving her. I read these boards frequently and it seems that divorce is a far too frequent solution. I am in no way thinking of leaving over this. In fact, I am not even comfortable saying the same sort of thing to her when she ask for something in the future.

 

Now that I got that off my chest, there are only a few other little details that might be relevant. And the only reason I'm even bothering saying these things now is because of some of the assumptions made here. We are trying to get pregnant. That's how the conversation came up. We are at certain times of the month having sex more than normal. So I thought it would be cool if we were to conceive it would be from doing things outside of the normal routine we have. So yeah, it's not really practical to be thinking about an open marriage or divorce when that is the goal.

 

The only little tidbit that might be relevant is that she said that she didn't really want to do things any differently and that if we did mix it up as I described (different positions, different rooms, lingerie) then she be doing it just for me and wouldn't be into it and she thought that I wouldn't be interested if she was doing it just for me.

 

Someone mentioned a lack of emotional closeness. Bingo. I agree completely. But what do you do about it? How did you get back close to someone? We use to be a lot closer. I mentioned vacations earlier. It's not just the sex that is perfect when we are on vacation together. our entire relationship is perfect. That's probably why the sex is better then. But how do you capture that during the mundane day in day out of life?

Edited December 18, 2013 by cat5

[regretting]

 

We are trying to get pregnant.

 

 

My wife and I tried forever to get pregnant. Ended up taking two rounds of in vitro before it worked. If you're having problems getting pregnant it can make sex become a routine. Try to talk more about it. Also, if she's stressed about trying to become pregnant, it can make it harder to become pregnant.

[cat5]

My wife and I tried forever to get pregnant. Ended up taking two rounds of in vitro before it worked. If you're having problems getting pregnant it can make sex become a routine. Try to talk more about it. Also, if she's stressed about trying to become pregnant, it can make it harder to become pregnant.

 

 

Congrats on getting preggers! We are trying for our second. When ended up doing IUI the first time around. We are trying to avoid that this time around. That certainly has added stress. That's part of the reason I suggested spicing things up. So that we aren't doing it because the timing is right. I want to try and make it a little more fun and care free and not just about it "working".

[d0nnivain]

We are trying to get pregnant. That's how the conversation came up. We are at certain times of the month having sex more than normal. So I thought it would be cool if we were to conceive it would be from doing things outside of the normal routine we have.

 

I'm one of the ones who made some unsavory assumptions. So sorry for jumping into the dark end of the pool.

 

TTC is emotionally exhausting. There are also certain positions which improve conception & ones that decrease the likelihood of fertilization. They also say that "wasting" a man's sperm can decrease it's potency when it's needed most.

 

If you want to change up the routine so you feel less like a filling station & more like a desired partner, sweet talk your wife. Remind her how much you love & desire her & that it's easier to conceive when you are in love & not "trying" so hard.

 

Read all you can about the psychological aspects of TTC & cajole her. You will get more flies with honey as they say.

[findingnemo]

Now hold on a minute.

 

This has gone way too far. Assumptions are being made that are so far off base.

 

This is NOT about an open relationship. Not even close. Assumptions like that are precisely why I preferred not to talk about exactly what I asked for. After being asked a couple of times I opened up. Frankly that assumption bothers me on a couple levels. First of all it's assumed that I lied when I said what it was that I had asked for. Secondly it was assumed that because I am a man that I want to sleep with other women. Nothing could be further from the truth. So to recap, I am a man. That doesn't mean I am also liar and want to sleep with other women.

 

Also, I didn't say I was thinking of leaving her. I read these boards frequently and it seems that divorce is a far too frequent solution. I am in no way thinking of leaving over this. In fact, I am not even comfortable saying the same sort of thing to her when she ask for something in the future.

 

Now that I got that off my chest, there are only a few other little details that might be relevant. And the only reason I'm even bothering saying these things now is because of some of the assumptions made here. We are trying to get pregnant. That's how the conversation came up. We are at certain times of the month having sex more than normal. So I thought it would be cool if we were to conceive it would be from doing things outside of the normal routine we have. So yeah, it's not really practical to be thinking about an open marriage or divorce when that is the goal.

 

The only little tidbit that might be relevant is that she said that she didn't really want to do things any differently and that if we did mix it up as I described (different positions, different rooms, lingerie) then she be doing it just for me and wouldn't be into it and she thought that I wouldn't be interested if she was doing it just for me.

 

Someone mentioned a lack of emotional closeness. Bingo. I agree completely. But what do you do about it? How did you get back close to someone? We use to be a lot closer. I mentioned vacations earlier. It's not just the sex that is perfect when we are on vacation together. our entire relationship is perfect. That's probably why the sex is better then. But how do you capture that during the mundane day in day out of life?

 

When I was trying to get pregnant and failing, my doctor advised my xH and I to have sex everyday, 7 days in a row, starting on Day x (can't remember) of my cycle. This happened for 2 months before we, fortunately, conceived. Oh there was the help of Clomid too.

 

Here's the thing. I really got fed up with the sex. My xH also felt like it was a chore. Sex ceased to be an expression of our love and became an activity we engaged in for the purpose of procreating. And the annoying thing? The pressure of not knowing whether we'd scored or not. My xH had to have an O for the mission to be accomplished. I didn't and I don't remember doing so. Enjoyment for me as a woman was not required for the act to take place.

 

Can you imagine what it is like to have sex on a schedule and not be sure whether or not you will conceive this time? She is indifferent because she no longer sees sex as a fun activity. All she wants is to get pregnant!!!

[Iguanna]

Someone mentioned a lack of emotional closeness. Bingo. I agree completely. But what do you do about it? How did you get back close to someone? We use to be a lot closer. I mentioned vacations earlier. It's not just the sex that is perfect when we are on vacation together. our entire relationship is perfect. That's probably why the sex is better then. But how do you capture that during the mundane day in day out of life?

 

I don't want to disappoint you but the excitement that there is in the beginning of the relationship and for some months or even years later is not something you can hold on to forever. People get into a routine, they have every day life problems, health problems, work issues and how to keep the other half and be attractive in their eyes is not their priority anymore. That being said, there will be many people here or in real life that will argue about this saying "but me and my spouse are as in love we used to be at the start, we get better every day, we feel closer than ever" etc etc. This can happen but it requires a lot of effort from both sides, a lot of time and minimal to zero outside concerns. That's why on vacation people tend to get closer, cause there are no other issues or people attracting their attention. I suggest you talk to her about this, it's a good thing that you want to be close to your wife, but don't press her a lot cause she is also trying to get pregnant and this is something that brings anxiety to a woman.

[TaraMaiden]

"We" are not trying to get pregnant.

 

You are trying to make her pregnant, and it seems it's what you both want.

You are, and you never will be, 'pregnant'.

 

(I'm British, I hate this 'we are pregnant' lark. Until you, as a man, are carrying around 15lbs of extra weight putting pressure on your spine, joints, bladder, stomach, lungs, ribcage, circulatory system, hormones and heart - "we" is frankly, ludicrous. Sorry. Just getting that off my chest, there.....)

 

 

However, she doesn't seem to be too keen on upping the chances by increasing the fun; and intimacy is at a low; I have to ask the question:

 

Do you actually think that, with the psycho-sexual problems you're encountering, a baby is a good idea right now?

 

It sounds to me as if she might well want to have a family, but would be happy to become pregnant by some dint or miracle - without having to have sex.

 

has it become chore for her?

Is she actually off the sex as a fun pastime, and she sees it as a necessity?