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I realize this is probably an old problem that has been discussed on here a lot. I did a search and could only find older threads...so here we go...

 

My wife and I have been together for 21 years, have 2 great kids, financial stability, great friends, good health, and love each other. We are also good friends who love to do things together. At the risk of sounding conceited, we are both still considered attractive. We are both fit and take care of ourselves.

 

The problem is she seems to have completely lost her libido. I can't remember the last time she initiated sex. The only time it happens is when I initiate, and even then, only 1 out of 3 attempts on my part (maybe). I think I am a good lover, I always make sure she gets satisfied first, and when we do have sex it can get...ummm...experimental.

 

Frankly, I am sexually frustrated, and a bit humiliated. I don't like begging for sex, and I don't want "duty sex". I want her to want sex.

 

Suggestions?

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Philosoraptor

How many times are you trying per week? What does 1/3 entail? If you're trying 20 times a week then 1/3 ain't too bad, if you're trying once week then you have issues.

 

What are her reasons to not have sex at that moment? Do you two talk about it or do you complain about it?

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No I'm not trying 20 times per week...lol. Just once or twice. Usually the reasons are "too tired" or "too much to do today" i.e. on Saturday/Sunday morning. Complain or talk? Hmmm, good question. It's hard for me to bring it up without sounding like I'm complaining isn't it? So I guess the answer is both complain/talk. After a talk, there is usually more sex, initially, but again, always initiated by me. I view this as duty sex. Again, I want her to want to, not feel it is her duty.

 

How many times are you trying per week? What does 1/3 entail? If you're trying 20 times a week then 1/3 ain't too bad, if you're trying once week then you have issues.

 

What are her reasons to not have sex at that moment? Do you two talk about it or do you complain about it?

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finallyshrugged

You know that is a good suggestion. We used to make every Thursday "date night" which always ended in sex, but we let it slide for all the usual reasons, too busy etc. etc. I am going talk to her about reviving it.

 

EDIT: I know this doesn't help michaelpopov...I was just reading thread because I have had the same problem

Have you tried scheduling sex?
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I wish I had THE answer to this. The talking things through either ends up as a fight or my wife admits there's something off and has no sure ideas about how to fix it herself. We've tried scheduling but that always just seems like a bandaid that falls off after working temporarily.

 

At this point after talking to therapists and married friends, I have come up with a theory that I am slowly putting into action; keep her on her toes. Do a bunch of little things throughout the week that make her feel your attraction. It doesn't have to be sexual, it could be as simple as a random "thinking of you" text, a card, picking out a good date night movie ahead of time, bottle of wine, etc. Then throw in a lot of attempts to start something; nibble on her neck when snuggling in the morning, grab her hips and pull her close while staring into her eyes, tickle-wrestling that leads to making out, try out a new toy, etc. Constant random reminders keep her on her toes and keep her knowing how attractive you find her.

 

Sometimes she will not be in the mood sometimes, sometimes YOU should pull away just so she feels like she has to hunt for it too, other times she might "do her duty" which isn't as great as passionate love making, but that is her way of saying "I'm not in the mood, but I want to do something nice for you", and sometimes she will get horny as hell and beg for you to get inside her. You gotta take it in stride when it doesn't go well, and savor it when it does.

 

Some of us just enjoy sex every time, to others it comes in waves and loses appeal if it stays the same after awhile. Give it plenty of ways to appear fresh! If that completely fails, then maybe it's time for professional help.

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EasternStandard

If she feels like something is off, is it physical or mental? Depending on how old she is, her sex drive could be a lot lower. Does she still find you attractive? Does she find herself attractive? Do the kids make everything to busy?

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confusedandhurt2002

I think you said you help her around the house, etc. That can make her feel loved and like you care and maybe help her not to be so tired.

 

Does she have any medical issues?

 

I had depression and was on medicine for it. It destroyed my sex drive. Then I had a thyroid issue...wiped meout and still no sex drive. Sucked. Then my husband didn't feel wanted and went out and had an affair. He said it wasn't about the lack of sex though...he just wanted he attention because he felt I didn't want him -- in any way..not just sexually. I was sick with thyroid and hormones, etc. and couldn't show him I wanted him because most days I didn't even know where I was.

 

BTW, his affair was emotional with one sexual encounter, so I do feel the emotional was a bigger issue for him, but I'm sure the lack of sex didn't help matters. I'm reading a book about men right now and I am reading that for men having sex creates an emotional bond, where women want the emotional bond first and then the sex. Very interesting stuff. Dr. Kevin Leman wrote the book I'm reading, but there is one about women by Dr. Gary Smalley and his wife. I'm trying to get my husband to read that one;)

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I realize this is probably an old problem that has been discussed on here a lot. I did a search and could only find older threads...so here we go...

 

My wife and I have been together for 21 years, have 2 great kids, financial stability, great friends, good health, and love each other. We are also good friends who love to do things together. At the risk of sounding conceited, we are both still considered attractive. We are both fit and take care of ourselves.

 

The problem is she seems to have completely lost her libido. I can't remember the last time she initiated sex. The only time it happens is when I initiate, and even then, only 1 out of 3 attempts on my part (maybe). I think I am a good lover, I always make sure she gets satisfied first, and when we do have sex it can get...ummm...experimental.

 

Frankly, I am sexually frustrated, and a bit humiliated. I don't like begging for sex, and I don't want "duty sex". I want her to want sex.

 

Suggestions?

 

So you been with her 21 years - and this has been going on for how long...? Was it a gradual change over many years, or was there a time when it really took a nose dive?

 

Also What do you mean "when we do have sex it gets experimental? ". So she does not just lay their like a log?

 

There are many reasons for sex to drop off - but sometimes i think the simple answer is just they loose interest in "same old" even if they love their partner.

 

My wife sexual behavior has been like a roller coaster, but with longer and longer flat periods over the years. Recently we began seeing a MC with a specialty in sex therapy that has helped "some" but I don't think we have gotten to a single simple reason for her struggles with her sexuality. However a strange thing happened about a month ago...my sexual interest went away. I can function fine - but I really don't care if we have sex or not. I don't know exactly why (I have some theories) - but while i am trying to figure my lack of interest out - she all of sudden seems to notice my lack of interest and ramps up her interest and sexual acts for me. Sigh.

Edited by dichotomy
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It could be chemical, particularly if she's on the pill. It can cause your body to reject the idea of sex altogether (the progesterone mimic tells your body it's pregnant, not a sexy feeling). If that's your method of contraception, maybe try switching off it for a while and see what happens.

 

I also can tell you that I have trouble wanting to connect physically with my partner when I don't feel connected to him emotionally. If he's having one of those 'I need to work through whatever is bothering me on my own" spells, it's not gonna happen until he shares something with me first. It's one possibility among many, but women are wired for intimacy in that their brains are their most sensitive erogenous zone. What do you think?

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It was a gradual change over time.

By experimental, I mean we have played around with bondage etc...and no, she doesn't "lay there like a log" sex always involves oral for both of us and several positions. I guess even that can get "same old" ...

 

So you been with her 21 years - and this has been going on for how long...? Was it a gradual change over many years, or was there a time when it really took a nose dive?

 

Also What do you mean "when we do have sex it gets experimental? ". So she does not just lay their like a log?

 

There are many reasons for sex to drop off - but sometimes i think the simple answer is just they loose interest in "same old" even if they love their partner.

 

My wife sexual behavior has been like a roller coaster, but with longer and longer flat periods over the years. Recently we began seeing a MC with a specialty in sex therapy that has helped "some" but I don't think we have gotten to a single simple reason for her struggles with her sexuality. However a strange thing happened about a month ago...my sexual interest went away. I can function fine - but I really don't care if we have sex or not. I don't know exactly why (I have some theories) - but while i am trying to figure my lack of interest out - she all of sudden seems to notice my lack of interest and ramps up her interest and sexual acts for me. Sigh.

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MasonJarTeaDrinker

I don't know how you can make this happen but I am sure this would work. If she see's another woman flirting with you or she starts to notice that other women want you then she's going to start wanting to do you again so maybe you can figure something out and make that happen.

 

However I do feel for you it sucks having to initiate the sex it feels good when they are the ones that just want it, makes us men feel good and obviously we want to be wanted by somebody. However if this can't be fixed the just go sleep with another woman I mean if you look good and are taking care of yourself then don't go the rest of your life wanting to have sex and having an unresponsive partner. Yea it may sound shallow but life is short so we have to be selfish sometimes.

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Since the decline was gradual, I have to wonder if before she was drawing on stored reserves of feeling connected to you that have finally run out after being really emotionally intimate in the beginning of your relationship when you were getting to know one another and again when raising your family. There are a lot of ways to bring back that sense of depending on one another and feeling like you know one another again, like going on an extended backpacking or camping trip or taking up a sport together like jiu jitsu or even just a game (board or video) - activities where you'll spend a lot of time either talking or not talking, but also cooperating to solve problems.

 

There are a lot of things that are relevant when I'm not feeling generous with my partner - is he contributing to chores [graciously]? Am I getting enough time for myself and getting room to do it? Does he feel comfortable talking to me about sex? (Nothing makes me more uncomfortable about being intimate physically with my partner than when he's uncomfortable discussing it with me, not necessarily at that moment, but in general. He calls it my Anti-Catholic tic.) Do I feel left out of his problems/day to day life or am I part of the solution/a sounding board for him?

 

The running theme is partnership. When I feel included and considered in my partner's life, I want to be intimate with him physically too. I don't know if any of this is resonating for you, but it's my best girl advice.

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Michael:

If everything in your marriage is otherwise good, this sounds like a medical issue. Tell her she needs to get her estrogen checked. She may need Hormone Replacement Therapy.

Also, ask her directly what she needs in order to have a satisfying sex life with you. Make sure she knows that this is very important to you and is a need that you can't just turn off. If you do not address this, you will start to resent her and then the marriage will ultimately fail or deteriorate until one of you leaves, or has an affair.

After a check-up by a Physician, if things do not improve, you may need sex therapy. I know it sounds daunting but if it isn't physical such as medical, it could be psychological and a sex therapist can help you two figure this out. Sex is important to a relationship. Intimacy for men is paramount as it is often the only times men feel comfortable being vulnerable.

Let us know how it goes,

Grumps

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One poster mentioned - her seeing other women flirt with you (or you them a little tiny bit), another poster mentioned new activities. I have seen a lecture on something like this - which was basically allowing your long term partner to see you in a "different light" or perhaps seeing how others might see you, appreciate or value you - in a different setting.

 

An example was for a wife to go see her husband speak at a conference - she saw him being a leader, admired and talked to by both men and women after his speech. It kind of rev'ed the women up. Another idea might be for you to take up some new activitiy or hobby to explore a side of yourself , and then let her expereince that something new. Why not - always good to shake yourself up a bit too.

 

Just a thought.

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Your wife could be peri-menopausal, so perhaps you could suggest a check-up with the doctor/physician?

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I understand your pain.

 

 

Once my SO hit menopause, a light switch went off. It never came back on. She never acknowledged that it was a problem because, it wasn't a problem for HER. She still loved me..so why couldn't I love her without sex? She didn't see the need for medical intervention because, what she was going thru was natural, and there was no need to medically alter it. ( boy did that one start some discussions)

 

 

You have to decide what's right for you. It isn't easy, whatever you decide.

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I wish I had THE answer to this. The talking things through either ends up as a fight or my wife admits there's something off and has no sure ideas about how to fix it herself. We've tried scheduling but that always just seems like a bandaid that falls off after working temporarily.

 

At this point after talking to therapists and married friends, I have come up with a theory that I am slowly putting into action; keep her on her toes. Do a bunch of little things throughout the week that make her feel your attraction. It doesn't have to be sexual, it could be as simple as a random "thinking of you" text, a card, picking out a good date night movie ahead of time, bottle of wine, etc. Then throw in a lot of attempts to start something; nibble on her neck when snuggling in the morning, grab her hips and pull her close while staring into her eyes, tickle-wrestling that leads to making out, try out a new toy, etc. Constant random reminders keep her on her toes and keep her knowing how attractive you find her.

 

Sometimes she will not be in the mood sometimes, sometimes YOU should pull away just so she feels like she has to hunt for it too, other times she might "do her duty" which isn't as great as passionate love making, but that is her way of saying "I'm not in the mood, but I want to do something nice for you", and sometimes she will get horny as hell and beg for you to get inside her. You gotta take it in stride when it doesn't go well, and savor it when it does.

 

Some of us just enjoy sex every time, to others it comes in waves and loses appeal if it stays the same after awhile. Give it plenty of ways to appear fresh! If that completely fails, then maybe it's time for professional help.

 

Excellent and very realistic advice, IMO.

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Totally hear what you're saying about not wanting "duty" sex, however ,the fact she is willing to do this in itself is kind of nice. There are many partners that refuse to do duty sex and only have sex when they want to. If she is willing to do that it shows she cares enough to consider your needs and isn't so self absorbed that she just shuts you out completely.

 

And you say one in three times, how often do you have sex on average?

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At this point after talking to therapists and married friends, I have come up with a theory that I am slowly putting into action; keep her on her toes. Do a bunch of little things throughout the week that make her feel your attraction. It doesn't have to be sexual, it could be as simple as a random "thinking of you" text, a card, picking out a good date night movie ahead of time, bottle of wine, etc. Then throw in a lot of attempts to start something; nibble on her neck when snuggling in the morning, grab her hips and pull her close while staring into her eyes, tickle-wrestling that leads to making out, try out a new toy, etc. Constant random reminders keep her on her toes and keep her knowing how attractive you find her.

 

Sometimes she will not be in the mood sometimes, sometimes YOU should pull away just so she feels like she has to hunt for it too, other times she might "do her duty" which isn't as great as passionate love making, but that is her way of saying "I'm not in the mood, but I want to do something nice for you", and sometimes she will get horny as hell and beg for you to get inside her. You gotta take it in stride when it doesn't go well, and savor it when it does.

.

 

This! Turn her on mentally, make her feel desired and she will come to you. Intimacy isn't just about sex. Touch her and whisper in her ear in public....create foreplay outside of the bedroom again.

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