Why am I still with my wife?

[mik3yc]

Apologies in advance for the long rant!

 

My wife hand I have been married for 3 years, but been together for 6. I'm 34, she's 31. We have a 3 year old boy and have our own place.

 

I'm not even sure where to start!

 

We both work full time, I work 12hr shifts, but only average about 15 days a month... it suits my lifestyle as it means I get to be with my son a lot more. Even though, over the course of a month, I work more hours per month than she does. I have him 2/3 days a week on average, the other days he's at childminder. My wife works Monday - Friday, 9-5.30 and has our son 4 days every 5 weeks (as I work 2 weekends in a row). She has become obsessed with work. She goes into work as early as possible. When i'm at home with our son, she'll aim to get to work for 8am. She'll finish for 7pm. She spends no time with our son. In the morning, aside from saying hello to him, she'll rarely change his nappy, change his clothes, brush his teeth, nothing. In the evenings, as his bedtime is 7pm, she'll come home just as i've got him to sleep, then wake him up again to say goodnight.

 

This happens everyday during the week, apart from when i'm at work, when she has no choice. She does no chores either during the week. As i'm at home with him, i'll clean, do the washing, dishes, hoovering, tidying, absolutely everything, bar cooking. Even though more recently, i've started cooking more, so she doesn't even have to do that. Come weekends, she says she's so tired with work, that she wants a break and to relax, so doesn't make up the lost time with our son.

 

She's extremely stressed from work, always telling me how stressed she is, always suffering from migraines. I support her as much as I can. She absolutely loves her work and the people there though, so she'd never consider quitting. For example, when he's due at the childminders (which is 30 seconds from her work), she'll ask me to either drop him off so she can go work early (even though shes driving past it!), or ask me to collect him at the end of the day, which means going out of my way, driving to her work to collect the car seat, picking him up and then coming home.

 

We went to Spain last month for a week. She took my laptop so she could do work emails (which she did every morning for a couple of hours). She used my iPad and iPhone to facetime her work colleagues too.

 

Our son is not close to her at all. He's so attached to me. It would be easy to boast/brag about it, but it's horrible seeing him not close to his mum. He's only ever really naughty for her, as I simply think he's no respect for her. She's fully aware that she needs to spend more time with him, but just tells me she has no choice but to spend all these hours at work, as she's so stressed.

 

I feel like I've brought our son up on my own.

 

Thats work and parenthood out the way. Now onto our relationship as husband and wife.....

 

We do not have a physical relationship. We only kiss to say hello and goodbye, even then that's just a peck. We sleep together once a month or once every 5/6 weeks. Since August, up until now, we've slept together 3 times. I want it maybe 2/3 times a week. She says she doesn't need/want it anymore than she currently does, therefore it will never change. If she's not in the mood, it won't happen, and she won't allow me to get her in the mood. Never any foreplay. She believes that once every 5 weeks is how its "supposed to be", when you've been together for as long as we have?! Also says that if we split and she got with a new man, she'd be at it like a rabbit, as that's just what you do with someone new, when it's exciting. It's hurtful, not only hearing her say things like that, but that she has no interest in pleasing me. I think she's the most beautiful woman I've ever met, so of course I desire her and want to ravish her...

 

I've tried being romantic, taking her out, massages, candleit baths, candlelit meals, flowers at home and work, nothing. I can't possibly do more for her in the way of housework as I do all of it now!

 

She used to ask me to massage her in bed every night. She's now put a stop to that. Reason being that I was offering her massages more often, and she thought I was using massages as a "sex substitute". Everytime I either try it on, talk about it, literally anything to do with sex, she just says I place too much "pressure" on her. Seems to me that's she's put a block on anything I got pleasure from. She hates the thought of me watching porn (even though I know she watches it when I work a nightshift). But I probably watch more porn now than I did when I was single!

 

I told her that i'm only human, i'm not a robot, and that I have needs. She hasn't touched me sexually in well over a year.

 

It was my birthday a fortnight ago. Didn't get a card from her and nothing bought from her on our sons behalf (which I always do for her). She said we could go shopping and I can buy myself something. When I chose something, she asked me to pay for it and she'll pay me back as she hadn't been paid yet. Did I get any "special occasion" sex or a blowjob? You already know the answer to that. I was so upset that she'd made zero effort for my birthday, it's only 1 day a year!

 

There's literally no benefit to being with her. I could deal with the sex thing (probably) if she was an amazing wife and/or an amazing mum, but she's neither. She does nothing for me. The only thing she's passionate about is work.

 

We've been to marriage counselling, she chose to stop as she felt it wasn't helping her. She's now against any form of therapy....

 

What do I do? I feel so lonely and miserable, but i'm married!

Edited December 4, 2013 by mik3yc

[michelangelo]

File for divorce, she is not in love with you and is using you.

 

Petition for full custody of your child.

 

But before doing so, get all your financial ducks in a row in preparation. Get legal representation.

 

Your wife has checked out of the marriage and may have found romance elsewhere.

[Debanked]

Damn. Sorry bro. This was a tough read. You sound like a decent guy who is really trying! After reading this it would be tough to convince anyone that marriage is a good thing. Have you considered marriage counseling? Sucks that your wife's job is her primary relationship.

 

That's what gets me about people that invest too much in work. Imagine if your wife woke up tomorrow and found out she had terminal cancer. How would her priorities change? What would her regrets be?

 

Right now she is taking everything for granted.

[mik3yc]

Damn. Sorry bro. This was a tough read. You sound like a decent guy who is really trying! After reading this it would be tough to convince anyone that marriage is a good thing. Have you considered marriage counseling? Sucks that your wife's job is her primary relationship.

 

That's what gets me about people that invest too much in work. Imagine if your wife woke up tomorrow and found out she had terminal cancer. How would her priorities change? What would her regrets be?

 

Right now she is taking everything for granted.

 

Tried marriage counselling. As soon as she heard that she was responsible for some of the problems we're having, she stopped going.

 

It upsets me that she puts work ahead of her only child. She says she doesn't want to work all hours but has no choice. The way I see it, of course she has a choice. It's just a job. Work won't keep her warm at night or do the chores for her....

 

As for the cancer thing, of course everything would change. all of a sudden, me and our son would be her priorities!

[mik3yc]

File for divorce, she is not in love with you and is using you.

 

Petition for full custody of your child.

 

But before doing so, get all your financial ducks in a row in preparation. Get legal representation.

 

Your wife has checked out of the marriage and may have found romance elsewhere.

 

We've spoken about divorce several times. She says she loves me and doesn't want to split. She's talking about moving to a bigger house and planning holidays for next year?! But at the same time, she's also said the sex thing isn't going to change anytime soon.

 

She says when it comes to sex, I have to stop putting pressure on her, and wait for her to come to me. I reckon if I do that, we'll go a year without sex!

[michelangelo]

We've spoken about divorce several times. She says she loves me and doesn't want to split. She's talking about moving to a bigger house and planning holidays for next year?! But at the same time, she's also said the sex thing isn't going to change anytime soon.

 

She says when it comes to sex, I have to stop putting pressure on her, and wait for her to come to me. I reckon if I do that, we'll go a year without sex!

 

Sorry, she is driving this marriage into the ground.

 

You are way too passive about things.

 

No way should you get a bigger house!

 

File for divorce and don't tolerate living with someone who doesn't want you as a man.

[mik3yc]

Yeah, it's tough. I go through phases where I just don't want to be with her anymore, and then days where my boy runs and jumps on me every morning and think to myself "How can I not want this anymore"....

 

90% of the time, we get on really well, have a laugh, but maybe that's the problem... she just see's me as a "mate" now rather than a husband and a lover. It's crossed my mind too that she's cheating on me with someone from work too, but I'm pretty certain that's not the case.

[Art_Critic]

I hate saying this, it sounds to me that she is cheating on you and on the off chance she isn't then she is just a selfish person who is taking you for granted.

[mik3yc]

she is just a selfish person who is taking you for granted.

 

I actually think it's this. I know she's working when she says she is, as she'll often email me from her work. Plus I used to work there, so I know everyone there, it's only a small company. I'm not naive, so of course I think there's a possibility she's cheating, especially when you mix that with the fact she won't sleep with me/touch me.

 

But I think she's extremely selfish and is just obsessed/stress with work...

[michelangelo]

I actually think it's this. I know she's working when she says she is, as she'll often email me from her work. Plus I used to work there, so I know everyone there, it's only a small company. I'm not naive, so of course I think there's a possibility she's cheating, especially when you mix that with the fact she won't sleep with me/touch me.

 

But I think she's extremely selfish and is just obsessed/stress with work...

 

Quoted in bold!!!!!!!!

 

She is hitting you in the head with a 2x4 about her lack of interest in you.

[mik3yc]

I know, I know....

[jphcbpa]

you can't work on the marriage if your partner does not see her part and is not willing to change or do work.

 

if she really will not go to MC then force her hand to go to MC...make this a non-negotiable.

 

If she will not go, then either have an affair or file. Either way, it is time to start looking out for you and your future.

 

DO NOT get a bigger house and DO NOT have any more kids.

Edited December 4, 2013 by jphcbpa

[oldshirt]

She does not see you as a "man" and she there for cannot feel any sexual desire for you. She sees you simply as a child care provider and housekeeper.

 

Look up the term "beta provider"

 

There is a very real chance she is involved with one of the higher ranking and more masculine men at work or on her coed softball or volleyball teams. And if she isn't outright having lots of wild monkey sex with one (or more) she is at least very attracted to one and will be very soon.

 

I am going to recommend a book and another website for you that specializes in this exact situation.

 

The book is called, "The Married Man Sexlife Primer" and the website is of the same name only without the word "primer".

 

Download the book and read it cover to cover today then get on the forum on that site and tell your story there.

 

You have A LOT of work to do to save your marriage and keep her out of someone else's bed if she isn't there already :-(

[oldshirt]

Also, the ' Love Languages" book is fine if you can get her to have some respect and desire for you again, but it won't help in the slightest if she still sees you as a weak and supplicating babysitter.

 

Get the other book first and get on that other site and let them help you get your balls back first before you try to figure each other's love languages.

[mik3yc]

The problem I have is, and this may sound very wrong.... but I could read book after book and make a load of effort etc, but as selfish as it may sound, why am I the only one making efforts here?

 

We've talked and talked until the cows come home... the reality is, she says nothing is going to change, she doesn't want me to leave, but if i'm that unhappy, I should just go. She's not gonna change, as she has the life she wants. I do everything for her, why should she?

 

If I read a good article in a book, magazine, or even on a forum, something that makes sense and may help... i'll show it to her... she'd read the first paragraph and lose interest. If I talk to her about sex, I get the "oh not this again" response.....

 

I've downloaded the married men primer book, so will give it a read!

[jphcbpa]

The problem I have is, and this may sound very wrong.... but I could read book after book and make a load of effort etc, but as selfish as it may sound, why am I the only one making efforts here?

 

We've talked and talked until the cows come home... the reality is, she says nothing is going to change, she doesn't want me to leave, but if i'm that unhappy, I should just go. She's not gonna change, as she has the life she wants. I do everything for her, why should she?

 

If I read a good article in a book, magazine, or even on a forum, something that makes sense and may help... i'll show it to her... she'd read the first paragraph and lose interest. If I talk to her about sex, I get the "oh not this again" response.....

 

I've downloaded the married men primer book, so will give it a read!

 

 

if she really does not care to change, is not open to it, will not listen, does not care to ect...then you have a few choices and sadly that is about it.

[Eivuwan]

I am sorry to say that it sounds like you have tried everything. Don't you think you deserve someone who is actually a partner in marriage? The question is... WHAT is keeping you from getting a divorce? Of course she doesn't want a divorce now because she doesn't have to do anything and she gets a caretaker for the house and for the child. Are you worried that she will fight to have custody of the child?

[bwright42tx]

The problem I have is, and this may sound very wrong.... but I could read book after book and make a load of effort etc, but as selfish as it may sound, why am I the only one making efforts here?

 

We've talked and talked until the cows come home... the reality is, she says nothing is going to change, she doesn't want me to leave, but if i'm that unhappy, I should just go. She's not gonna change, as she has the life she wants. I do everything for her, why should she?

 

If I read a good article in a book, magazine, or even on a forum, something that makes sense and may help... i'll show it to her... she'd read the first paragraph and lose interest. If I talk to her about sex, I get the "oh not this again" response.....

 

I've downloaded the married men primer book, so will give it a read!

 

WOW, sorry my response got so long . . .maybe it's good advice, maybe it should just be ignored. . .

 

I went through a rough spot with my wife years ago. Her responses to all my attempts to "fix" it were very similar to what you are describing. Even to the "oh not this again" if I tried to bring up our sex life. Of course our sex life wasn't as dismal as yours . . . once a month was the worse it ever got.

 

However all my attempts to fix the sex by addressing it head on/directly with her were seen as me complaining, and actually did more harm than good. It built a lot of resentment around the subject. After I learned to back off, not push, but let my desires be known in a non-complaining/non-confrontational manner, but also not be heavily invested in the outcome, things slowly got better, but it took years before the subject of sex could be brought up as a conversation topic without triggering her resentment for all the times she felt pressured and/or complained about.

 

Now we can have healthy conversations about sex and desires without all the drama and resentment. And she never really changed, my approach and attitude are what changed, plus I had to learn to work more on the relationship outside the bedroom. More on this later.

 

some non-expert advice for you:

 

Never start a discussion about "problems" with your sex life in bed, right before bed, etc. Have these discussions as removed from sex as possible so they don't appear like attempts to immediately get sex.

 

Try to avoid calling them "problems" and/or blaming her and/or yourself. Be as neutral as possible, use lot's of US and We . . I'd like "US" to do XXXXX or YYYYY more. . . I wish we could XXX or YYYYY. You could try something like, I noticed we don't kiss as often as we used to. I wish we could share a deep passionate kiss more often.

 

This next was the hard one for me. It took a long time for my wife to stop seeing all the "nice" things I did for her as attempts to get sex from her. I had a very bad/wrong attitude. It took me a while to adjust it. My thought process went like this. . . you like me rubbing your feet, but I don't like rubbing your feet. . .but I want you to have sex with me....but you don't feel like it....but you want me to rub your feet...so if I rub your feet for long enough then you should have sex with me. . . . .Of course I never said it to her like that, but that was my thought process.

 

If she likes backrubs, you should give her a backrub, without any expectation it will lead to sex, but out of the pure joy you get from giving her that pleasure. When you have the issues you already have, this is where it starts to get difficult, but she needs to feel safe and secure and she needs to know your backrubs are not attempts at sex, so don't make them that. If you're only getting sex less than once a month here is what I would suggest.

 

The next time you have sex, make sure to let your wife know how much you enjoyed it/had a good time, etc. Then the next day, casually bring it up again in conversation. Mention that it made you feel great, etc. Then transition to how you love feeling so close to her and wish "we" could make love more often. Then say I know you've said you don't want sex more often, and that is fine for now, but I love you, desire you and want to be with you in every way possible. However I'll back off for a little while and give you some space. I promise I won't try to initiate sex for the next 30 days. If you want me sooner than that then you'll have to let me know.

 

Then the very next night, give her the best backrub you've ever given her. If she asks/worries, etc. reassure her this is not about sex or an attempt to get it. Lose yourself in a joys of pleasing her in a non-sexual way. Make it your goal to relax her to the point she can just drift off to sleep. Do not let this lead to sex unless she literally jumps your bones.

 

Now over the next 30 days you need to focus on not letting your sexual frustration show, but also not hiding your desire. It's a fine line to walk and a difficult one at that. She needs to know you desire her, but feel completely safe and secure in that you are not going to pressure her for sex. Continue to do physical things for her that she enjoys, and you can enjoy doing for her (backrubs, footrubs, etc.). You have to essentially retrain her that all of your physical affection is not an attempt to get sex from her. This was hard for me, because when I really reflected on it, even when I knew it 100% wasn't going there, most if not all of the physical affection I showed my wife was an attempt to get sex from her. I had to retrain myself too.

 

Also, during these 30 days, in addition to this try to remember what made you fall in love with her in the first place. Focus on bringing love and affection, not sex, back into your relationship. But don't push/force her. And also focus on yourself a little. Make sure she knows you are doing XXX and/or YYYY for yourself/because you enjoy it, etc. Not in an in your face kind of way, but the balance here is crucial again. She needs to come to love you again, but if you just focus on her you'll be seen as weak, begging, or conniving, manipulative, etc. For me I started going to the Gym 3 days a week with a buddy of mine.

 

Now, when your 30 days are up, you are free to start initiating sex again, but don't try to immediately transition from the nice things like backrubs, etc. to sex that will just bring back the resentment. Have sex/make love to your wife, let her know how great it is, how much you missed being so close and connected to her.

 

I could go on more...but this already got too long, and I'm not really sure this is good advice for your situation...but it worked for me combined with learning/realizing that sex was about way more than what happened in those 5 - 10 minutes prior that I attempted to initiate and got rejected more often than not.

[aliveagain]

You can't control her but you can control what you do and what you allow to be done to you. Why not ask her if there is someone else, see what she says. Perhaps your next holiday should be to a couples marriage retreat or a Retrouvaille. Marriages with couples that are not equally committed to it rarely work. Your marriage is in trouble and it requires work by both of you to fix it. Your children deserve both your commitment's to it.

[mik3yc]

Mik can you really see yourself doing this in 10 years? Even in 5!? This woman is incredibly selfish. I know there are two sides to every story but this woman is a b!tch and a terrible mother. I loathe such people. She will eventually suck all the good out of you and you will be filled with resentment, which will have a drastic knock on effect on your life.

 

I would start getting my soldiers together for battle. Talk with a lawyer. I normally think a kid should be with its mother but in this case I don't. I mean a mother who puts her job above her child...My god! Some people should never have kids..

 

I think she could be having an affair, but that's neither here nor there. The telling thing in your first post was she would be at it like rabbits if you both split. I mean who has this thought process and not only that then tells their husband!?. She has emotionally checked out. I think if you said you were leaving she would be ok with it and thats so hurtful, especially when you have put so much in to the marriage.

 

It's time to take control Mik. It's time to put the building blocks in place for the life you deserve. Would it be hard leaving. Incredibly but the you will do more longterm damage by staying. Talk to a professional, get everything prepared and then leave. I know that must sound cruel but you owe this woman NOTHING. Now you have to protect your interests. A lawyer will give you the best advice. Once everything is in place serve her in work with zero remorse. She will get exactly what she deserves.

 

Just be prepared for backlash. Bitches like her never go away quietly but I can't see how this can't get nasty. You can't be MR nice guy here. She will eat you alive..

 

She's fully aware that I think she should spend more time with our son, but it falls on deaf ears. She had post natal depression when he was born and went to the doctors for it, but I do wonder if she's still got depression. Or maybe i'm making excuses for her, i'm not sure....

 

I am sorry to say that it sounds like you have tried everything. Don't you think you deserve someone who is actually a partner in marriage? The question is... WHAT is keeping you from getting a divorce? Of course she doesn't want a divorce now because she doesn't have to do anything and she gets a caretaker for the house and for the child. Are you worried that she will fight to have custody of the child?

 

I naturally hate the thought of my child coming from a broken family... if it wasn't for my son, would I still be with her? Not if she was acting like this, of course not.

 

My wife is very much of the belief that you shouldn't have to "work at" a relationship, it should all just come naturally and be stress free.... She says I make everything sound like a chore, whether it's our relationship, sex, date night, anything that I suggest.

 

At work, she's very much the golden girl who can do no wrong. the bosses love her. So in my mind, she goes from being the woman that everybody loves during the week, to coming home and being the woman that her child and partner no longer recognise. Goes without saying she'd prefer to be at work!

[bwright42tx]

So in my mind, she goes from being the woman that everybody loves during the week, to coming home and being the woman that her child and partner no longer recognise. Goes without saying she'd prefer to be at work!

 

IMHO, this is what you need to fix. Make her feel loved and cherished and respected at home. What does he do for a living? Is there a way, without adding to her stress, you can let her apply those skills at home/to the household/family so she can feel valued there as well?

[mik3yc]

@bwright - Some great advice there. Retraining for me will be the hardest thing. Part of really doesn't want to do anything for her that she'll enjoy, whether its footrubs, massages etc... mainly because, why am I making all the efforts yet again and her getting all the pleasure? Selfish I know. Another part of me would be happy to do those things as I do sometimes enjoy it. Though she's stopped me from touching her at all pretty much as she thinks any form of contact is classed as "pressure".

 

I'm careful with wording too. I do often say that we should kiss me as I miss it. I asked her about the idea of sharing a ten second kiss every single day as of last week. She agreed, said it was a very good idea. Has it happened? Once. But for about 5 or 6 seconds. I feel that as I came up with the idea, why should I chase her everyday on it?

 

@aliveagain - She won't go away for a night without our son. She's weird about it. She'd go away with work twice a year for 4/5 nights (part of the job) and has stated she'd happily go away for a week or 2 without him, but as long as I'm there so i'm the first thing he sees when he wakes up. Doesn't like the thought of him waking up and not seeing his mummy or daddy. She's so weird!

[mik3yc]

IMHO, this is what you need to fix. Make her feel loved and cherished and respected at home. What does he do for a living? Is there a way, without adding to her stress, you can let her apply those skills at home/to the household/family so she can feel valued there as well?

 

TBH, I don't know what do with regards to this. I'm always complimenting her on her looks, telling her I think she's stunning, sexy, etc.

 

She's an account manager for an importing company. It's hard to respect her when she does nothing other than cook when she's home.....

[bwright42tx]

@bwright - Some great advice there. Retraining for me will be the hardest thing. Part of really doesn't want to do anything for her that she'll enjoy, whether its footrubs, massages etc... mainly because, why am I making all the efforts yet again and her getting all the pleasure? Selfish I know. Another part of me would be happy to do those things as I do sometimes enjoy it. Though she's stopped me from touching her at all pretty much as she thinks any form of contact is classed as "pressure".

 

I'm careful with wording too. I do often say that we should kiss me as I miss it. I asked her about the idea of sharing a ten second kiss every single day as of last week. She agreed, said it was a very good idea. Has it happened? Once. But for about 5 or 6 seconds. I feel that as I came up with the idea, why should I chase her everyday on it?

You'll have to take baby steps here. . . to an extent you are right, why should you be the one to put in all the work/effort. I asked myself the same thing many times. But the reality is you can't change someone else, or force them to change, you can only change yourself. She agreed to the kiss...you should go get it from her. Tell her she owes you two today for the ones she missed. But do it playfully and don't get upset or turn it into a fight if she only gives you a short one again.

 

Is it worth a month or two of good solid effort on your part if it means you get what you really want in then end and avoid a divorce/separation?

 

You need to retrain yourself to not resent her lack of effort. I agree she SHOULD be willing/want to work on it, but she isn't, so you can choose to do the work yourself, do nothing, or move on . . .you still have choices. . .what you can't do is FORCE her to do something...that just builds more resentment.

 

But you do need to work so she doesn't see the physical affection a PRESSURE..that's the hardest retraining for her and you.

[bubbaganoosh]

IMHO, this is what you need to fix. Make her feel loved and cherished and respected at home. What does he do for a living? Is there a way, without adding to her stress, you can let her apply those skills at home/to the household/family so she can feel valued there as well?

 

Bull $h!t. He does everything around the house. Cooks cleans takes care of her and his son, all in all he does cherish and respect her.

 

The problem is she doesn't do anything but takes and gives nothing in return. She's a self centered, selfish woman and her problem is that she knows that she walks on water at work they all worship the ground she walks on and she brings that crappy attitude home and expects her husband to do the same thing because she feel entitled to it.

 

If it was me, she would get a wake up call real quick. I would let her know that her selfish attitude and behavior is wrecking the marriage and she either wakes the hell up and start acting like a wife or she can find a new home.

 

Your doing way too much and now what was once a vice is now a habit and she expects this type of treatment. Time to drop the hammer and let her know that she either makes some drastic improvements in the marriage or there will be no marriage.

 

Stop being her butler, chef and cleaning lady and let her do some of it. If you have to wash your clothes, then wash yours and the kids clothes and let her do her own. make supper for you and the kid and let her make her own. The door swings both ways friend and until you stop being the house slave, it will only get worse.

 

If she throws a fit then tell her fine and file for a divorce. It's probably the only way she'll know that you have had enough. It's up to you to make the changes in your marriage and if you don't, expect the same thing for many years down the road.