Feeling sad...Have we just lost the spark or is this curable ?

[danny444]

Its been a beautiful relationship,but the spark that was initially there seems to have been lost. Can someone's past really have a strong influence on their present and future relationships ? After asking her about her past, I just got depressed with all things that she has done with other men. I seem to suffer from retroactive jealousy and just can't seem to get over her past. Without going into details and making this post long, I think I have kinda lost respect for her for FWB and other things that she has done casually. I only have done 5% of stuff she has done and maybe this is creating a problem or maybe hurting my ego or pride (unfortunately I have to accept it).

 

Can retroactive jealousy really be overcomed ?

Why do I feel inferior when it comes to physical compatibility ? The answer maybe her wild experiences before but the mental images kill me. It also crops when I get intimate with her. ALmost after every session, I tend to get depressed.

All she has to say is "I can't do anything about it. Get over it"

 

The thing is she is the perfect girl every guy will desire and she has been honest with me totally (I really really appreciate this). But,maybe she revealing too many details has killed me inside. Its been 7 months and I am unable to get over this. There's a day when I wake up and feel "fk the past man,she is with me today and she is the perfect girl I desire" and there is another day when I feel pathetic and deeply hurt and find it difficult to sleep.This has to do with my conservative upbringing as well.

 

I know I only have 2 choices :

 

1) Stay with her. The difficult things are : her glorious past,mental images,her immature behaviour at times, our differences in personality (she is way too outgoing and I am way too reserved). Her idea of spending good time- hit the disc,booze and have some fun. I am the complete opposite. Sex for her is fun,whereas for me it is making love.

 

2) Move on. This is also difficult considering our emotional involvement and its easy to say there are a lot of fishes in the sea,but in a way we do feel we compliment each other. I sometimes think a lot of this coz if I can't see the beautiful soul and will just be judgemental,then maybe she deserves someone who will appreciate her.

 

I stick to option 1,then feel like going with option 2. Then when we both find it difficult,we stick with option 1 and the cycle continues....

[dreamingoftigers]

I had RJ too.

 

What worked for me was EMDR therapy.

 

There's something about us (RJ sufferers) that causes us to feel deficient or something when we don't have the numbers etc. our partners do even if we chose lower numbers etc. overall.

 

Others on here have tried it abd the ones I've heard feedback from had good results.

[dreamingoftigers]

For those of you who want to tell this man to "just get over it" RJ feels JUST LIKE theur partner committed infidelity to those that have it.

[danny444]

I had RJ too.

 

What worked for me was EMDR therapy.

 

There's something about us (RJ sufferers) that causes us to feel deficient or something when we don't have the numbers etc. our partners do even if we chose lower numbers etc. overall.

 

Others on here have tried it abd the ones I've heard feedback from had good results.

 

Man,you mean to say I will need therapy for this ? It sounds difficult and disturbing though. Therapy and all is like OMG! and dumping this girl or breaking up is impossible. Man I am stuck!

[d0nnivain]

Are you married to her? If yes, do whatever you have to do to get over it. RJ is a crock. Whatever she may have done in her past when she was younger & stupid, pales in comparison to the fact that she made a legal binding commitment to you. Wrap your head around two facts: she CHOSE you & she was honest with you. You can't condemn her for poor choices that she made before she grew up & met you.

 

If you aren't married to her, end this because you asked a stupid question when you weren't ready to hear the answer. Get some therapy to overcome this inane fear & in your next relationship don't ask the Q.

 

You remind me of the people who demand to know how many previous sexual partners their new love has & then freak out when they don't like the #.

[imfine]

I'm sure that was difficult for you to hear, but she was honest with you. That's a very rare quality, especially on personal past experiences. If you want to stay with this girl, consider what dreamingoftigers is suggesting. It's unreasonable to go through life expecting everyone else to dance around your insecurities whether you can help them or not.

[oldshirt]

It's easy for people to sit back and say, "the past is in the past," or "just get over and live in the hear and now" etc etc but RJ is very real to those who are suffering from it.

 

Here's the thing, I don't want to speak for Danny or put words in his mouth but I would bet that if he had known her back then and knew what she was doing at the time, he never would have been interested in a relationship with her. Would have never asked her out. Never dated her. Never brought her home to meet the folks and would've never married her.

 

Her prior behavior is not in congruence with his value system regarding sexual behavior and now that he has found out her now, it is having much the same effect as if he had found out about it at the time.

 

To put it real bluntly and harshly (again this is NOT Danny's words) he has lost a lot of respect for her. Lost a lot of his esteem for her. Lost a lot of admiration and reverence for her. Her actions in her youth were not up to his values or his moral compass and now that he knows about it, it has caused him to lose a lot of his respect for her.

 

That may not be fair. that may not be right. and it may make all of us feel a little threatened and insecure because we all have our past, but it is how the world works. He is not alone. This kind of thing happens all the time.

 

(and is why people should NEVER have the "numbers" talk, but that is for a different discussion)

 

He's not punishing her. He is not trying to get digs on her or rub any salt in her wounds or do anything to hurt her at all. He simply can not help the way his psyche is responding to finding out about her sexual history.

 

This is a serious issue for both him and her. this is a very real threat to the health and happiness of their marriage.

 

I too encourage counseling and therapy to deal with this. This is often not something that people can just "get over" just because it is in the past.

[todreaminblue]

i have an extensive sexual history have not met a man or been with a man who has had more partners than me...i understand how it must feel.....always have understood men who feel inadequate with me......the only thing i can do is let them know my past isnt who i am and whatever experience i have.......is all for them i am with them ......i am not for anyone else.......one thing is i wont go into details.....no graphics.......and if they ask for graphics....then i have to tell them not to ask....it is not good to know or remember ....most guys would not accept me or my past......and that is their right.....i am not a slut......but i understand guys who might think that of me......they wouldnt be right but i understand....it is also hard to explain my past and then say .....sorry i am waiting till after marriage i have been celibate for years....i think its going to be a hard ask.....would take a certain type of man to respect my desires...and players seem to be the only ones who are not intimidated by me........the guys i have dated have never walked away because of my history...most of them have had some form of retroactive jealousy........i make it possible for them to feel confident.....they do trust me...you have trust issues relating to her past as well probably........that is also understandable./.......deb

[oldshirt]

 

and players seem to be the only ones who are not intimidated by me........

 

That's because players know they are not going to make any kind of emotional, financial, legal or social investment with you and are thus not taking any kind of risk. They have nothing to be intimidating by.

 

For a person contemplating marriage and shared resources and potentially raising children together, that is a whole different reality.

[danny444]

It's easy for people to sit back and say, "the past is in the past," or "just get over and live in the hear and now" etc etc but RJ is very real to those who are suffering from it.

 

Here's the thing, I don't want to speak for Danny or put words in his mouth but I would bet that if he had known her back then and knew what she was doing at the time, he never would have been interested in a relationship with her. Would have never asked her out. Never dated her. Never brought her home to meet the folks and would've never married her.

 

Her prior behavior is not in congruence with his value system regarding sexual behavior and now that he has found out her now, it is having much the same effect as if he had found out about it at the time.

 

To put it real bluntly and harshly (again this is NOT Danny's words) he has lost a lot of respect for her. Lost a lot of his esteem for her. Lost a lot of admiration and reverence for her. Her actions in her youth were not up to his values or his moral compass and now that he knows about it, it has caused him to lose a lot of his respect for her.

 

That may not be fair. that may not be right. and it may make all of us feel a little threatened and insecure because we all have our past, but it is how the world works. He is not alone. This kind of thing happens all the time.

 

(and is why people should NEVER have the "numbers" talk, but that is for a different discussion)

 

He's not punishing her. He is not trying to get digs on her or rub any salt in her wounds or do anything to hurt her at all. He simply can not help the way his psyche is responding to finding out about her sexual history.

 

This is a serious issue for both him and her. this is a very real threat to the health and happiness of their marriage.

 

I too encourage counseling and therapy to deal with this. This is often not something that people can just "get over" just because it is in the past.

 

You just nailed it! Seriously you nailed it with that post! I am feeling exactly the same way man. Is this relationship even worth working the retroactive jealousy,insecurities, inferiority complex in terms of intimacy etc.etc. For the first time, I feel I am really stuck!

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

You just nailed it! Seriously you nailed it with that post! I am feeling exactly the same way man. Is this relationship even worth working the retroactive jealousy,insecurities, inferiority complex in terms of intimacy etc.etc. For the first time, I feel I am really stuck!

 

All I can offer is that you will feel like a fool later in life if you let this affect your relationship.

 

I'm a RJ person. I pried and when I got answers my head would spin. I couldn't handle the images my brain was creating of the girl I loved. It created a huge strain on relationships.

 

Now, with much hindsight, I am kicking myself and may never forgive myself for the way I behaved towards her after I had that reaction. That issue isn't a problem for me anymore because I've learned that it isn't important at all in the bigger picture. I think it's just one of those hard truths in life that you have to learn to accept. Or you can deal with the guilt and regret later in life.

 

Also, I learned my lesson about wanting to know things that I really didn't want to know.

[todreaminblue]

That's because players know they are not going to make any kind of emotional, financial, legal or social investment with you and are thus not taking any kind of risk. They have nothing to be intimidating by.

 

For a person contemplating marriage and shared resources and potentially raising children together, that is a whole different reality.

 

yes i realize this.........that men would consider me a risk......as a long term partner ........as far as raising children goes....i am the one who didnt abandon five kids and walk away.,.....it was my ex who had an affair who had one other partner before me.......i was his first serious girlfriend fiancee for seven devoted years,loyal partner for fifteen..it doesnt matter how many partners you have had when it comes to commitment and honoring that commitment......nothing is guaranteed.....

 

 

but i know a guy who has had limited partners would by pass me...such is life...i can still have hope some guy might look a little deeper.....a nice guy .....but then....i often hope too much.....and sometimes nice guys arent that nice.........deb

[d0nnivain]

If RJ is a real thing to someone & it's affecting their dating relationship, even though I don't understand it, if it's that much of an issue, the best recourse is to move on.

 

 

if whatever the past behavior was comes to light after the couple married, in that context, the offended spouse needs to get over it. You really can't throw away a marriage because of how somebody was before you met them if their current behavior is in line with your values.

 

 

I do agree that if the person with RJ saw the objectionable behavior at the time, they probably wouldn't have dated the person then. But people do change & mature. You have to look at how they are behaving now.

[oldshirt]

You just nailed it! Seriously you nailed it with that post! I am feeling exactly the same way man. Is this relationship even worth working the retroactive jealousy,insecurities, inferiority complex in terms of intimacy etc.etc. For the first time, I feel I am really stuck!

 

IMHO as long as you two have similar values and mores now and as long as she has not displayed any inappropriate behavior or tendencies during your relationship and as a developed adult, I think you owe to both of you to try to work through this.

 

Again, I urge you to seek competent therapy and work through all the layers of this and have someone work with you to find an effective way to deal with it.

 

This is provided that there hasn't been any inappropriate behavior within the relationship of course.

[oldshirt]

 

it doesnt matter how many partners you have had when it comes to commitment and honoring that commitment......nothing is guaranteed.....

 

 

I agree with you there.

 

there are no guarentees and everything comes with a risk. Marry a person with a very promiscuous past and you run the risk that they will be getting the call of the wild and having urges of going back to playing the field.

 

Marry a virgin and run the risk of them wanting to see what else may be out there for them.

 

Marry a high count person and they may be more likely to throw in the towel sooner because once you've done something it's easier to do again. Since they have had many cycles of attachment and disattachment, they'll be more likely to cut losses and bolt sooner once the R starts to go downhill.

 

Marry a virgin and they'll be more likely to hold on and stay when the R is turning to crap.

 

Take you pick on what is better and what is worse.