Stubborn Husband how to change his ways

[down hearted]

So my husband is a type of person that when it comes to his job he is extremely strict and has high standards and since he has high standards in doing his job correctly he expects others beneath him or at the same level to hold their standards high as well. so when someone around him such as another coworker messes up he corrects them and tries to make a point however, this has caused him confrontations with 3 individuals (different locations/time frames of each).

 

My husband is deployed and he spoke with me to reveal his frustrations because he is overwhelmed and hates sloppiness and stupidity from others, one of his supposed friends is incompetent with his job duties and does not follow certain rules and policies that need to be followed so that safety is not jeopardized. Anyways, point is he told the friend that what they were doing was wrong, the friend ignored it, another person told that friend as well that it was incorrect of what was been done, the person didn't budge so my husband once more pointed out the mistakes and point is they had to separate that individual and my husband because they nearly beat the crap out of each other.

 

How can i please convince my husband to stop been so dam hard headed stubborn and just let people make their idiotic mistakes, i just don't want him to be jeopardized or get in trouble. Sometimes you gotta let people make mistakes so that they LEARN to not do it again. I fear he will not be taken seriously and instead will be seen as a trouble maker even though he has some bosses back him up it still looks bad to others. Base is getting harder to live on (so much annoying gossip and nonsense)

 

I mean my husband absolutely loves his job and is 150% dedicated but these other newbies i guess don't care as much and don't take it as serious so that bothers him so much i just want to find a way to convince him to just cool it and worry about himself….so frustrating i fear it will be worse for him.

 

any advice? he is so overwhelmed and stressed out.

[Grumpybutfun]

Downhearted:

He is a good soldier/sailor and expects the best...that is a plus in my book. I retired from the military (over 20 yrs) and the only good advice I have for him is to continue being fastidious and expect others to rise to his standards. If your Husband is on the side of right, his command will back him up. Just make sure you support him, back him up, understand that his job is about a hierarchy and regulations and so your views will not be the same as the military views. My wife hated to sit back and not try to fix things for me, but in the end she learned that I became more focused and better prepared when she wasn't trying to change me but was just listening to me, giving me encouraging ideas or feedback. Sometimes you are the only objective person that he can talk to about his frustrations. He will get stressed and he will be overwhelmed and that is exactly the way the military was structured so that leaders would come forward and followers would be left behind or drop out. You are his anchor so no matter how insane you think the base is, his job is or that lifestyle is...always have his back and be his soft place to fall.

Thank you for your service. We couldn't do it without our amazing spouses.

Best,

Grumps

[down hearted]

Downhearted:

He is a good soldier/sailor and expects the best...that is a plus in my book. I retired from the military (over 20 yrs) and the only good advice I have for him is to continue being fastidious and expect others to rise to his standards. If your Husband is on the side of right, his command will back him up. Just make sure you support him, back him up, understand that his job is about a hierarchy and regulations and so your views will not be the same as the military views. My wife hated to sit back and not try to fix things for me, but in the end she learned that I became more focused and better prepared when she wasn't trying to change me but was just listening to me, giving me encouraging ideas or feedback. Sometimes you are the only objective person that he can talk to about his frustrations. He will get stressed and he will be overwhelmed and that is exactly the way the military was structured so that leaders would come forward and followers would be left behind or drop out. You are his anchor so no matter how insane you think the base is, his job is or that lifestyle is...always have his back and be his soft place to fall.

Thank you for your service. We couldn't do it without our amazing spouses.

Best,

Grumps

 

Thanks grumps for this, sometimes its too much though, i feel like he comes off aggressive and i don't know, living on base is getting more and more difficult because we really had to cut some people out because its getting pretty bad, and now this coworker of his is also spreading rumors or who knows what because he didn't like been told he was wrong and rumors traveled so much that now the only friend i had left over at base sent me a message pissed off at me too for i don't even know what, its getting ridiculous! Most of the people on base that we know are way younger though wayyyy younger and me and my husband are mostly older than everybody, even in my husband's squadron he and 2 more are the oldest so i don't know if that has something to do with it, you know the immaturity sometimes i feel like i am in a tv show from disney or something.

[d0nnivain]

He's deployed & his co-workers are making mistakes? This is more than your average work mistake. Don't give him lip about it. His high standards are what should ensure that he & the others in his unit come home safe. There is no margin for error in a forward zone. If whatever branch military he's in doesn't like what he's doing, they will put a stop to it. You stay out of it.

[crederer]

I think he has the right ideas but a good leader corrects the problems in a positive manner.

 

I've had positions where the boss sounded similar to your husband and he was fairly effective at getting things done properly, however everyone would quit the jobs cause they couldn't stand him, or purposely do things the wrong way when he wasn't around out of spite. So basically, all in all, it didn't work out the best. It was almost like a unionised floor (even though there wasn't a union) where it was an "us vs them" mentality between the workers and the managers.

 

I've also had managers who would do things the right way, by gaining respect and admiration from the employees and they did everything they could to do things the right way because they WANTED to. This, in my experience, is a far more effective way of doing things.

[Grumpybutfun]

I think he has the right ideas but a good leader corrects the problems in a positive manner.

 

I've had positions where the boss sounded similar to your husband and he was fairly effective at getting things done properly, however everyone would quit the jobs cause they couldn't stand him, or purposely do things the wrong way when he wasn't around out of spite. So basically, all in all, it didn't work out the best. It was almost like a unionised floor (even though there wasn't a union) where it was an "us vs them" mentality between the workers and the managers.

 

I've also had managers who would do things the right way, by gaining respect and admiration from the employees and they did everything they could to do things the right way because they WANTED to. This, in my experience, is a far more effective way of doing things.

 

Correct in the civilian world, but the military is very aggressive in how it deals with mistakes. In this world, especially during deployments, one tiny seemingly insignificant mistake could get someone killed, leak information and put troops at risk or destroy morale. Aggressiveness is approved of in this world and is expected to a certain degree. His command will take care of anything that he does that is out of line.

 

Also, I understood that this guy he had a fight with is a co-worker (friend) and her husband is not in a leadership role yet. In the military hierarchy leaders or management are not allowed to fraternize with those in lower ranks as them so he wouldn't be his friend unless they are the same or around the same rank.

Best,

Grumps

 

OP:

My wife only had friend outside of the military. She never engaged in gossip, was friendly but distant and didn't buy into that mentality. Meet people on the outside by participating in local community events, joining book clubs, fitness groups, or something you like. Military families put the diss in dysfunctional. We hosted bar-b-qs and parties when I became a leader and wanted to promote morale but we were very distant and mostly hung out/ were friends with each other and civilians. Toxic people just need to be ignored and forgotten. If you are having trouble with anyone specifically and are afraid of being hurt, contact his command or your Ombudsman.

Good luck,

Grumps

Edited November 21, 2013 by Grumpybutfun

[Balzac]

What feedback does he get from his commanding officer?

[beach]

So your H states when something goes wrong because it could save lives to point out the error? And you are upset because people don't like that and it's costing you friendships?

 

If that's correct - those people don't value honesty and lives - and they aren't your friends.

 

Be glad it's an easy way to weed out your non friends!

[todreaminblue]

if someone has a a good way of doing something and it works and is the best fastest way to get something done you do it......when you are leading people you lead and you follow the chain of command.......i am also ex military.......military regime is about team work not the indiviudal you are part of a team and you follow orders......i am not a leader .......i am a team player.......and if i was shown the best way to do something i would naturally want to do the best i could do.......he has a problem with team morale......they need to give over to chain of command...he needs to bond with them......i often hold a mediator or team morale builder postiion ...if someone is having problems ill mediate...he needs a mediator and he needs the support and trust of his team...maybe a weekend away or an acitvity where bonding can occur....he cannot back down......but he can help build trust by bonding closer when not at work

 

 

 

there was this argument i remember between two dominant guys.....one wanted to build a more elaborate set.......the other didnt feel there was time....i agreed with the guy who was managing the sets...because i trusted him when he said there was time......and i was part of the team so i tried to mediate....when he told the other guy to just go home then i went mediator mode and went over to teh guy whpo was uypset trying to boost his confidence by saying we can do this ....he refused to lsiten...........i didnt succeed in mediation this time..... both were stubborn........the end result...there was time the sets went ahead and were finished and were i think bloody brilliant...the manager guy put in mega effort....he knew he would....and i knew eh woudl too ....he was and is a passionate person..i put in extra effort all who were working did..i went into ocd mode.......dont blame your husband for being firm...eh leads for a reason..he is th ebest to lead....he needs a mediator..and dont blame a man for being dominant...blame the guys who dont put in the effort required needed to get the job done.....and they are the ones who need encouragement and work adn trust they need to build trust for their leader.......bonding i feel would help with this..deb

Edited November 21, 2013 by todreaminblue