My husband acts really weirdly.

[Kolica]

I am 28 years old any my husband is 29 years old, we are married for 4 years now. He is very educated, smart, tall, handsome guy without who i cant live. But his behavior is so strange. He started avoiding sex, he would come late from work, give some stupid excuses. I thought he was cheating on me, so i followed him, i know, not cool, but i wanted to make things clear. I followed him, and he would always go in to the same park by the river, and sit there for over one hour, not sure what he does there, i watched him from distance, and then he would come home. I followed him few times, and he always does the same thing He never did that before. He liked to make jokes, he talked, now he turned silent, talks much lesser now. I did try to talk to him, but he always pretends everything is fine. Is he having some suicidal thoughts? I noticed, when we sleep, while he is awake, he goes away from me in a bed, but when he falls to sleep, he grabs me and pulls me towards himself and hugs me. When we eat, he just stares at one point and eats really slowly. I asked him is he depressed, he replied hi is not. He was already once depressed, he told me that, and i supported him don't see a reason why would he hide that from me.

This scares me the most. Once he was a bit rude towards his mom, she was annoying him, they talked on the phone. He said "She is so boring." And i told him "Don't be rude, she gave birth to you, gave you life."

And he replied "She has thrown me in to the world of death and fear. This life is waiting for death penalty."

I don't know what to do. Anyone with similar situation or advice, some feedback... ?

Edited November 18, 2013 by Kolica

[Mcle]

He definitely sounds depressed. He might be hiding it from you because he does not want you to know why he is depressed, ie. an affair, drugs, gambling, money or work problems. Maybe suggest he return to the doctor he saw in the past. Also, dig a little more and see if you can find out what is going on...start with the money.

[Kolica]

He definitely sounds depressed. He might be hiding it from you because he does not want you to know why he is depressed, ie. an affair, drugs, gambling, money or work problems. Maybe suggest he return to the doctor he saw in the past. Also, dig a little more and see if you can find out what is going on...start with the money.

 

He works as professor, not a stressful job. He never drinks alcohol or does gambling, he doesn't like sports. I noticed we have money, we don't spare. I don't think money is the problem, he actually plans to buy a new car. I believe it's some kind of fear of death and quick time passing, growing old, i don't know...

[crederer]

Something is obviously on his mind that for one reason or other he doesn't want to share with you.

 

I don't really have a solid answer for how to handle it because I know for me, people pestering me with questions when I'm in a similar state of mind makes it worse. I need to collect my thoughts and get my head on straight before I want to have a discussion on the issue. But I know me, i know that I will get my act together and feel comfortable with it in a timely manner (matter of days or weeks at the most). I dont know your husband so I don't know if that's the best route either.

[Johnsmith1003]

He works as professor, not a stressful job. He never drinks alcohol or does gambling, he doesn't like sports. I noticed we have money, we don't spare. I don't think money is the problem, he actually plans to buy a new car. I believe it's some kind of fear of death and quick time passing, growing old, i don't know...

 

He's depressed to the nth degree. What about children? Does he want any and you don't? Does he have any guy friends he can hang with when he wants? Or is he constantly doing the same thing over and over? I know I did something like this for a short time because I was in a rut without many friends, but again not to this degree. Maybe he found out something revealing at the doctors? It's hard to say, but dig deeper and think when exactly this started and you'll be able to pinpoint any events that may have altered his behavior around that time, but MAYBE.

[Kolica]

He's depressed to the nth degree. What about children? Does he want any and you don't? Does he have any guy friends he can hang with when he wants? Or is he constantly doing the same thing over and over? I know I did something like this for a short time because I was in a rut without many friends, but again not to this degree. Maybe he found out something revealing at the doctors? It's hard to say, but dig deeper and think when exactly this started and you'll be able to pinpoint any events that may have altered his behavior around that time, but MAYBE.

 

Well, he has guy friends, if i noticed well, he is not seeing much them since this mess started. That's what worries me, what if he discovered something serious at doctors. When i try to talk to him, and if i press him too much, he gets mad and leaves the house for few hours.

[nescafe1982]

Professors are some of the most depressive-type people I've ever met. I am a professor... it can be an incredibly stressful job and there is not as much validation as you would think. I know lots of professors who are dangerously depressed, primarily because the profession is more treacherous than ever as Universities ramp up research requirements and replace tenure-line jobs with pools of part-time contingent labor.

 

I'm not saying that's the trouble... but don't discount how difficult the job might be. He might just be very good at concealing how stressful the job is.

 

At first blush, I read you post and thought "drugs. he's smoking a joint or something when he's on those trips." Then I thought about it some more... and he really does sound like a) he's very depressed and b) for whatever reason, he's afraid of you finding out about it.

 

Get him in to talk to someone. If he's had a person in the past, get him to go back. He sounds very "stuck" and needs someone he can speak openly with... e.g. a professional.

[Mr. Lucky]

I followed him, and he would always go in to the same park by the river, and sit there for over one hour, not sure what he does there, i watched him from distance, and then he would come home. I followed him few times, and he always does the same thing He never did that before.

Is this a park known for any kind of hook ups, gay or straight ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Kolica]

Is this a park known for any kind of hook ups, gay or straight ?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

It's not a park actually, it's a very long walking street by the wide river, with lot's of trees and grass. All kind of People go there, it is favourite place for People to walk their dogs and play with them. But he doesn't hook up there, he just sits and stares in to river. He isn't a cheater type guy, he is very shy when it comes to that, it took me a lot of time and effort to get him.

[pteromom]

There's definitely something going on with him.

 

Go up to him with a list of everything you've noticed... the weird death penalty comment, how he's withdrawn, how he doesn't laugh anymore, how he goes and sits in the park (yes, you can tell him you saw him), the blank staring when he's eating, etc.

 

And tell him that you need to know what is going on.

 

If he still denies anything, you may want to confide in his mom. Maybe it's time to get him help.

[Kolica]

Professors are some of the most depressive-type people I've ever met. I am a professor... it can be an incredibly stressful job and there is not as much validation as you would think. I know lots of professors who are dangerously depressed, primarily because the profession is more treacherous than ever as Universities ramp up research requirements and replace tenure-line jobs with pools of part-time contingent labor.

 

I'm not saying that's the trouble... but don't discount how difficult the job might be. He might just be very good at concealing how stressful the job is.

 

At first blush, I read you post and thought "drugs. he's smoking a joint or something when he's on those trips." Then I thought about it some more... and he really does sound like a) he's very depressed and b) for whatever reason, he's afraid of you finding out about it.

 

Get him in to talk to someone. If he's had a person in the past, get him to go back. He sounds very "stuck" and needs someone he can speak openly with... e.g. a professional.

 

He keeps telling that everything is fine. For example he keeps being silent and stares somewhere, and when i tell him why is he like that, he says it's nothing, then he tries to fake, to act normally, but not long after that, he again starts to act weirdly.

[Kolica]

There's definitely something going on with him.

 

Go up to him with a list of everything you've noticed... the weird death penalty comment, how he's withdrawn, how he doesn't laugh anymore, how he goes and sits in the park (yes, you can tell him you saw him), the blank staring when he's eating, etc.

 

And tell him that you need to know what is going on.

 

If he still denies anything, you may want to confide in his mom. Maybe it's time to get him help.

 

I did think of that, and thank you for confirming my idea. I think he is in a lot of psycho pain. The only meal he eats is breakfast, and when he does that, he does that slowly chewing thing with staring look. In the morning he has a bit life in himself, as soon as afternoon starts, he becomes more weird. He doesn't eat after morning at all. I almost feed him by force sometimes, like a baby. I noticed he is not just depressed, but afraid as well. I sleep by holding my head on his chest, that is how i am used to, and i noticed that his heart when he sleep beats faster than usual and with stronger beats, and his hands get cold, those are markings of fear. He cant sleep, he leaves the bed, goes down in to the living room, then returns, once he did that 4 times during only one night. He does that when he thinks i am asleep.

[Cabinet]

Do you have access to his cell records? He could be going to the park to text or email another person. He could also be leaving the bed to email or IM this person. Cyber cheating or online relationships are sometimes just as compelling as those that occur in person.

[veryhappy]

He's checking way too many boxes for anxiety and depression. Get him help, because you never know if he's suicidal.

 

Good luck to you, it's going to be a tough road ahead of you.

[Kolica]

Do you have access to his cell records? He could be going to the park to text or email another person. He could also be leaving the bed to email or IM this person. Cyber cheating or online relationships are sometimes just as compelling as those that occur in person.

 

He doesn't do that, i am 100% sure. I have checked his google search, all what he searches for are few comedy movies and was interested in one video game, that's it. I believe he was trying to distract his dark thoughts by those...

[Kolica]

He's checking way too many boxes for anxiety and depression. Get him help, because you never know if he's suicidal.

 

Good luck to you, it's going to be a tough road ahead of you.

 

I did try to find him help, but for some reason, he doesn't want to co-operate.

[nescafe1982]

He's checking way too many boxes for anxiety and depression. Get him help, because you never know if he's suicidal.

 

Good luck to you, it's going to be a tough road ahead of you.

 

^ This, absolutely. It sounds like a very concerning case of depression. He needs help. He probably doesn't know what to do or where to turn, and will depend on you to help him.

 

I would also +1 Pteromom in saying that if you have a good relationship with his family, they could be valuable in assisting you as you try to get him to talk to a professional.

 

I think if I were in your shoes, I would have a heart to heart, mention the concerning things you've noticed, reiterate that you care about him and want what's best, for him to be happy... and then suggest that he talk to someone.

 

Your husband might feel bound up and unable to talk to you, especially if his anxiety and depression centers around the marriage (or he thinks it does). If he can't speak with you about it... get him to someone he can speak candidly with who has and interest in helping him.

 

Good luck... this sounds like a really difficult time for you both.

[nescafe1982]

I did try to find him help, but for some reason, he doesn't want to co-operate.

 

Sometimes the people who need help resist it. No one wants to be "labelled," you know?

 

How's your relationship with his family?

[down hearted]

Some people specially when they hit their 30s that they see their 20s are officially over they start getting really depressed because it really gets to them the whole age difference and I've seen coworkers who really take it to the heart one person i knew felt bad just looking at the mirror because they felt older already and was really depressed for a long time. It could be the age thing but he sounds depressed.

[Kolica]

^ This, absolutely. It sounds like a very concerning case of depression. He needs help. He probably doesn't know what to do or where to turn, and will depend on you to help him.

 

I would also +1 Pteromom in saying that if you have a good relationship with his family, they could be valuable in assisting you as you try to get him to talk to a professional.

 

I think if I were in your shoes, I would have a heart to heart, mention the concerning things you've noticed, reiterate that you care about him and want what's best, for him to be happy... and then suggest that he talk to someone.

 

Your husband might feel bound up and unable to talk to you, especially if his anxiety and depression centers around the marriage (or he thinks it does). If he can't speak with you about it... get him to someone he can speak candidly with who has and interest in helping him.

 

Good luck... this sounds like a really difficult time for you both.

 

I have fine relations with his family. I did what you guys suggested. This morning i talked to him. I told him everything i know. He couldn't avoid it anymore, he opened up and said what bothers him.

 

He said it all started by jitters. He would get jitters with no reason always at same time, when Sun starts to set. Soon after that dark thoughts started to occupy him, thoughts about all kinds of illness, thoughts about death, how scary it is, thoughts about growing old, he couldn't get rid of them. Then those jitters turned in to real fear. At morning he would get jitters because he knew of the horrable fear that await him when Sun sets down. He said fear would get weaker only at dawn, but soon after he wakes up after dawn, he would get fear because of the fear at night. And that's not all, he said his own body freaks him out, asking himself how the hell did he end up in this body and world. His own hands would freak him out, then he got fears that he will forget how to breathe, or move his hands, so he would avoid to look at his hands. And many other crazy stuff, at work. He said he had panic attacks from no reason, and that those night fears are so strong, he said he cant endure them. He said he didn't want to tell me, because when he was a teenager, he had similar problem, he complained to his mom, and she didn't get him serious and it kinda made fun of him.

He said he started to go to therapist.

 

Does someone have experience with this? What else i could do to help him?

[beach]

Yes, he can see a counselor to help him overcome his anxiety.

 

He can be taught different exercises to combat the anxiety. He can have someone help him with the thoughts he has and how to cope better with those thoughts.

[Eivuwan]

I am glad that he is seeing a therapist. His situation sounds really serious. I guess if he's getting professional help, the only things for you to do is just keep being supportive and there for him.

[nescafe1982]

First: kudos to you for having that conversation with him; I bet he really needed to open up to you, but needed to hear your concern first. Those talks are hard to have, so bravo!

 

As for his reporting: sounds like anxiety, and it's very, very common among professors, academics, and teachers. It does sound like a pretty bad case, though. I am glad to hear he's decided to try a therapist. Anxiety-related illnesses are imminently treatable; they take work to recover from, but they are treatable, and it's great news he's taking the right steps.

[Snipercatt]

My brother experienced much of the same, down to his hands freaking him out. For him it was schizophrenia.

[Snipercatt]

Kolica, my heart and thoughts go out to you and your husband. It took much courage for you to talk with him about this, and even greater courage for him to tell you what's going on with him.

 

I hope that his is willing to be evaluated, the earlier the better. His comments regarding a death sentence are eerily familar as my brother spoke of the same, along with his hands "freaking" him out. If he is willing to draw for you what he sees it may help healthcare professionals help him.

 

It will be important that you start recording the things you've observed, and experienced, with him. We here have no way of knowing what is happening with your husband, and I certainly don't know. I can tell you that what you described made me catch my breath because your husband has used the same words and expressed some of the same things my brother did.

 

You will be in my heart!