What are your thoughts?

[Juber]

Hi - I'm new to these forums. Hopefully this this the right forum for this topic. If it would be better suited elsewhere please let me know.

 

I have a relationship question and I need an external perspective. First I want to lay out a bit of the background here.

 

My wife and I have been married for 15 years. I am 41 and she is 36. We have two adopted children 7 and 2. We love each other very much. The last thing either of us wants to do I this is hurt the other. We have had a very good 15 years and we both look forward to the rest of our lives together.

 

The roughest period of our marriage has been when I had to travel a lot for work. Sometimes I would be away for 3 weeks at a time. It was tough. Over the last 6 years I have not had to travel very much and life has been almost idyllic. Sure there are the daily trials and the very rare argument but we are very good at communicating and not getting worked up over the really important things. Usually our fights are over stupid little things.

 

Our physical intimacy has had its ups and downs as I think all couples do over a 15 year period. It was worst when I was travelling but has been pretty good for the last 5 years since I was able to stop traveling. Last summer our physical relationship went on something of an upswing. My wife was very enthusiastic and we had more sex than I was even interested in. I'm not complaining since, as a man, I'm quite easy to get interested (stereotype, I know).

 

Now, onto my current situation.

 

Over the last 4-6 weeks my wife has had trouble reaching climax during our intimacy, which is usually not a problems for either of us. Afterwards she seemed emotionally upset but didn't seem to know what was wrong. I would talk her down, we would cuddle and things would be ok. There haven't been any signs of distress outside the bedroom over this time either. Last week she confided that she had figured out what was going on. She explained that she is not feeling "into men" at the moment and has been having a lot of fantasies on her own about being with women. Not specific women mind you, just fantasies about being with a woman. She still enjoys making love to me but sexually she's just very much into the thought of women at the moment and not so much into men. She admitted that this has happen before - but it never lasted more than a week or two. She is very upset by this inability to find fulfillment in sex with me.

 

I explained to her that I knew she was bi when we got married. I completely understand that these feelings are outside her control. Before we met she spent a few years dating strictly women but a couple years before we met she started dating men as well. We actually enjoy this place where our sexuality coincides and we enjoy discretely pointing out attractive women to each other.

 

Last night, after some less-than-satisfactory (for her) intimacy (initiated by her) she broke down into tears. She confided in me that she wants to follow through on her feelings. She was asking if I would be OK with her making out / having sex with another woman. In essence asking if it was okay if she played around with another woman (again no specific woman is in her mind). Also she proposed getting me involved, should the opportunity present (i.e. threesomes are on the table). She's very clear in that she simply wants a "friend" situation and she does not think she is polyamorous. She just feels very attracted to women and not at all to men right now.

 

I want to respect her feelings and help her. If sex with me isn't fulfilling for her *at this time* simply because of my gender that's not her fault (or mine) . Also it's not fulfilling for me. I have always had as much fun if not more with my partners enjoyment as I have with my own. My wife says I am a good lover and I like to think she's right.

 

There is one complication for me. I was involved with a woman before my wife for 4 years in the mid 90's. At 21 it was my first relationship period (I was something of a late bloomer). She was older with 2 kids, recently separated. The last 2 years of the 4 we were in a polyamorous relationship. Well, she was, with my then best friend. I went along with it because I didn't have any experience with anything like this and it was very hard on me. Looking back and knowing what I know now, it was very one-sided and I was unfairly treated as a partner. It eventually led to me walking away from her although her son and I are still close.

 

I am concerned that this previous situation may make me a little sensitive and jealous.

 

Last night, exploring my feelings and talking with her, I made the decision that I want to make this work and support my wife's sexual identity. She cannot help having these feelings and while I could in every right ask her to resist them (the whole monogamous marriage thing), I know it would make her unhappy. I told her that as long as she was open with me about when, where, and how often she sees the other woman. I said last night that I wanted to know in advance - but looking back I don't think I want that. I just want to know when she has seen the other person so that I know we're having open communication.

 

Exploring my feelings this morning, I feel like I want the same options she has.

 

I don't currently have any desire to step outside our relationship. I don't have the biggest sex drive and it really seems like more hassle than it is worth. I don't have a lot of opportunity since I work out of my home and I don't have any inclination to seek out another partner and take time away from my family. I just feel like, in the spirit of equality, I would like for their to be some freedom for me to explore my feelings.

 

My issue with this is that I have no interest in men and so if I were to be involved in any sort of sexual relationship it would have to be with a woman. I also don't think I could handle her being with another man because of my previous experience, at least at first if ever. Is it fair to ask that it be mutual if our interests diverge like that?

 

- - - So, is it fair if I ask that this be mutual given that information? - - -

 

Second question:

If anyone is in a similar situation, how do you deal with your own jealousy?

 

I am not a jealous person and I have never been jealous of my wife's friendships with previous lovers. Her best friend is actually a former lesbian lover and I am not nervous at all about them being together. My wife has flown to London twice to visit her friend and I have no qualms about it. I am not so naïve to think I won't have any jealousy when I know my wife is with another person intimately and was wondering how people in similar situations deal with it.

 

I would appreciate constructive advice you might have.

[jphcbpa]

Well you knew about her being bi going into the M and you admit that much. As you mentioned, this might just be a phase that will come and go.

 

It would seem fair for you to be with other women if you wanted to.

[Juber]

Just as a clarification - we entered into a monogamous relationship. We made it clear at our marriage that we intended that.

 

That said - people are dynamic and sometimes things need to be tweaked. I just want to be sure that things are fair so that there aren't hard feelings on either side. I do not want to lose my wife but I know there are people out there that make this sort of thing work.

[SerCay]

I wouldn't let her have a seperate relationship even only sexually.

 

Monogamy is monogamy, for men and women.

 

A threesome with another woman would be a good compromise for you both in this situation.

 

I guarentee that if you let her have sex outside the marriage it will taste like more.

 

Go for the threesome!

[HappilyHopeless]

I am in a happy marriage with a terrific man that I love very much and would never want to hurt but I am bi. We both knew this going into the marriage. I am however having very strong feelings of wanting to be with a woman. I don't want to hurt him or his self-esteem or ego or whatever you call it. It's not him. I love him. I don't know how to compromise. I don't want a 3some. I feel like either way I take someone loses. I'm scared to talk to him about it but maybe counseling or therapy is in order. I don't know how to bring it up. I also think bringing other people into the picture could end up disastrous. Maybe you have some advice for me? I think you guys might try counseling first and then maybe a 3some if that doesn't work. Let us know what happens please. All the best.

[unicorn farts]

I am a happily married bisexual woman and I think this is a terrible idea.

[Lauriebell82]

This is a very very bad idea! She agreed to a monagamy and thats what she needs to stick to. If there was a possibility that she still wanted to be with woman then she shouldnt have gotten married.

 

You seem like a very understanding man and I will bet she will use that to her full advantage.

[HokeyReligions]

You want permission to step outside of your marriage vows. Justify it any way you want, its still breaking vows. Personally I think its childish and disgusting. If my husband said he was bi and was thinking about being with a man I'd gladly tell him to go ahead -- and change the locks as soon as the car left the driveway. My marriage vows don't include a caveat for premarital fantasies.

[oldshirt]

My background and perspective is a little different from most of the other posters here. My wife and I used to be very involved in the swinging community for a good number of years. I have quite a bit of first hand experience in dealing with female bisexuality and 3somes and consensual nonmonogamy etc.

 

I see a couple different issues at play here.

 

#1 is her feelings for other women and her sexual desire for other women is negatively impacting how she relates sexually with you. and thusly it is negatively impacting how you are relating to her and this is having a negative affect on your intimacy and your marital life.

 

#2. You are not really wishing any kind of sexuality outside of the marriage and are only considering opening up your marriage as an appeasement to her so that she does not leave you or does not cheat on you without consent. (more on that shortly)

 

#3. I get the feeling she is only offering up the threesome idea as an appeasement to you to try to sweaten the deal up for you so that you will consent to her being with other women.

 

I have a couple different thoughts here. One is you are already experiencing marital discord and issues with intimacy here. It is already negatively affecting your sexlife and your marriage. As a general rule, open marriages/swinging only work when the primary relationship/marriage is fundamentally sound and healthy and satisfying the outside sexual activity is for recreational purposes only and for just a little extra stimulation and excitement.

 

I can testify that there are a whole lotta couples in the swinging lifestyle so that women can rub up against other women and there is a ton of girl-girl love'n going on and can be a healthy and functional outlet for woman to get some girl time and still maintain a functional marriage with their spouses.

 

HOWEVER I have some concerns in your case and beg extreme caution in going down that route. In your case, your wife seems to have a more deeper attraction and desire to be with women rather than a simply kinky urge to have some purely physical fun with a woman. She has some actual yearnings and urges for a deeper connection and relationship with one. That's often not something that a simply Saturday night threeway after the bar with some drunk chick will fix.

 

The problem you are going to run into is she is going to attract and be attracted to other quasi-lesbians that are going to want to achieve a deeper connection and they are going to be into each other and not to you.

 

In other words, your wife is telling you that she wants you there for a threesome but in reality she is going to want to experience a relationship with other women without your influence and without your interference.

 

And more importantly, any women that she attracts are probably not going to have any attraction to you or want you involved AT ALL. At best they may insist on having you sit in the corner and watch but will always be trying to get her to themselves.

 

The bottomline here is you have a serious relationship and connection issue taking place here. The pursuit of any kind of threeway situation is going to be very labor intensive and then will end up being very disappointing and frustrating for all parties when it does happen.

 

I strongly encourage you to seek marital/sexual counseling and therapy here. Preferably with a therapist that specializes in sexual and sexual orientation issues.

 

There is a good chance that your wife has some fairly strong lesbian leanings but tried to live a traditional life with a husband and a family and the house with the white picket fence. Now that she is a mature adult her true self is fighting to get out and not live against her own nature.

 

A competent therapist can work with you to deal with these feelings and urges and help you come up with some kind of plan to keep everyone from climbing the walls and help you deal with it in an effective manner.

[dichotomy]

I think I can share another perspective

 

When we got married, my wife knew I was into bi-racial relationships... I had a thing for petite Asian women in particular that I explored for several years in college and before we met.

 

My wife is a tall blond. We fell in love and sex was was good for many years, but I find myself bored and simply am not attracted to tall blondes any more. Its just not her - its any tall blonds.

 

Lately I find myself remembering my passion for small Asian women. I have mentioned this to my wife after being unable to perform sexually with her, crying in bed, and confessed my needs for a little Asian persuasion. She responded by ....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She married YOU...committed to you. I am sorry she can't get her variety anymore but thats the point of a closed marriage right?

Edited November 26, 2013 by dichotomy

[unicorn farts]

I agree with dichotomy. When I married my husband I gave up relationships and experiences with other people. I've had crushes but I don't give them any headroom. My love, intimacy etc are reserved for him. I think that her strong desire to be intimate with other people is symptomatic of issues in the relationship, not due to bisexuality. Is it possible that she is actually a lesbian?

 

It just sounds ridiculous to no longer be sexually attracted to your husband because you're bisexual. IMO your sexuality doesn't have much to do with abruptly losing interest in your chosen partner.

 

This kind of stuff really irritates me because it feeds into the notion that bisexual people are untrustworthy partners and sleep around. I almost never discuss my sexuality in real life due to this stereotype.

[oldshirt]

?

 

It just sounds ridiculous to no longer be sexually attracted to your husband because you're bisexual. IMO your sexuality doesn't have much to do with abruptly losing interest in your chosen partner.

 

 

I agree in a way. You don't "become" bisexual in a period of weeks. There are a couple questions that need to be asked here.

 

- has something changed in the last couple months? either in the relationship? Your general lifestyle? Your appearance, grooming, styling? Your behavior towards her? Financial issues?

 

- either of you have any medical/hormonal/psychiatric issues?

 

Another series of questions that need to be asked is in regards to your prior sexlife. You said it's had ups and downs. Explain.

 

Does she feel like she has been living a lie and faking who she is to fit in with mainstream, married America?

 

Did she used to be into you and into hetero sex with men or was she just going through the motion because she thought that's what she was supposed to be doing?

 

Again, there are red flags here that point to more than just some gal wanting to log a little sack time with another woman. Most women have at least some kind of fleeting fantasies of rubbing up against another woman to one degree or another. but they don't become dysfunctional and frigid around their husbands when they do.

 

I encourage seeking competent counseling/therapy to uncover and deal with what's taking place here.