I live with an compulsive shopper and hoarder and I'm at the end of my tether

[geordielass]

My husband and I have been married nearly 10 years (our 10th wedding anniversary is at the end of this month). All that time he has been a compulsive shopper and hoarder. He suffers bouts of depression which makes this worse. He's going through a bad patch at the moment so to cheer himself up he has gone out and bought some new furniture (which I knew nothing about until I got home tonight). He has been retired on medical grounds so doesn't work but spends his spare time going around the charity shops buying inexpensive ornaments and other household items (most we haven't got a use for nor room for). Our house resembles a second hand shop. Despite me encouraging and helping him to declutter, he goes and buys more. His behaviour is making me so miserable. I can't relax in my house when I come home from work and cleaning and tidying is a nightmare that I feel I've no time for anything else. We breed and show dogs but I struggle to give them the attention they need. I am at the end of my tether and I am seriously considering suggesting we divorce and go our separate ways thought it would break my heart to give up my dogs and a hobby I love. I try support him when he is depressed, which he won't seek professional help for.

[Grumpybutfun]

geordielass:

Wow, this is a terrible burden on you. From what I understand, hoarding is a special issue which only a professional who specializes in hoarding can address. The only way to get a hoarder to address their issue, because they do not think they have one, is to stop enabling their hoarding. Just like with drugs, you have to make sure they do not have the resources for it anymore, or that you aren't going to put up with the cleanliness, health or financial fallout from this. Can you find a support group for you in your area or even online? Also, it may help to call a Psychologist who specializes in hoarding, or an Organizer who specializes in it.

Good luck,

Grumps

[geordielass]

geordielass:

Wow, this is a terrible burden on you. From what I understand, hoarding is a special issue which only a professional who specializes in hoarding can address. The only way to get a hoarder to address their issue, because they do not think they have one, is to stop enabling their hoarding. Just like with drugs, you have to make sure they do not have the resources for it anymore, or that you aren't going to put up with the cleanliness, health or financial fallout from this. Can you find a support group for you in your area or even online? Also, it may help to call a Psychologist who specializes in hoarding, or an Organizer who specializes in it.

Good luck,

Grumps

 

Thank you for your very useful response.

[Lemonitaz]

Sorry you are going through this. I agree with the other poster that consulting with a specialist in this area is a great start. Since he so far has been unwilling to admit this issue and seek treatment, I would not let that discourage YOU from seeking help, if you haven't already. It sounds like this could be a great way for you to sort through your feelings about the issue so if you do make the choice to divorce you can say you 'tried everything' before you leave. Good luck.

[Eivuwan]

Does he realize the extent to which his behavior is causing you misery?

[ja123]

I don't blame you for feeling miserable.

 

Here is a book that might be helpful:

 

Buried in Treasures: Help for Compulsive Acquiring, Saving, and Hoarding: David F. Tolin, Randy O. Frost, Gail Steketee: 9780195300581: Books - Amazon.ca

[geordielass]

Sorry you are going through this. I agree with the other poster that consulting with a specialist in this area is a great start. Since he so far has been unwilling to admit this issue and seek treatment, I would not let that discourage YOU from seeking help, if you haven't already. It sounds like this could be a great way for you to sort through your feelings about the issue so if you do make the choice to divorce you can say you 'tried everything' before you leave. Good luck.

 

I talked to my family last night and they have suggested I go to counselling, which I will do. I feel awful for them at the moment too. They have organised a family meal at the end of the month to celebrate our 10th anniversary. I have explained the current situation and thanked them but have asked them to cancel the arrangements because I have nothing to celebrate.

[geordielass]

Does he realize the extent to which his behavior is causing you misery?

 

Yes, but he just keeps doing it. Now that I have had a chance to 'sleep' on things, I'm going to try and talk to him at some point but I need time on my own first, so I'll go and do some walking later.

[D-Lish]

Does he realize the extent to which his behavior is causing you misery?

 

They may realize it on some level, but the hoarding always takes precedence over how it effects others.

 

My mother is a controlled hoarder. If my dad were to pass away, I know she'd lose control. She can't let go of anything. My mom is constantly buying things, and my dad is constantly throwing things out when she's not around.

[geordielass]

They may realize it on some level, but the hoarding always takes precedence over how it effects others.

 

My mother is a controlled hoarder. If my dad were to pass away, I know she'd lose control. She can't let go of anything. My mom is constantly buying things, and my dad is constantly throwing things out when she's not around.

 

I try to do that for items that have no sentimental value to him. He also buys me clothes and shoes and I quietly get rid of unwanted items he brings. If I can find a use, then I keep them. He never buys anything expensive, just things that are in sales or bargain bays. It seems ungrateful at times but I have to do it otherwise my wardrobes would be overflowing.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

A severe compulsion is not amenable to logical discussion, and is not so much an issue of right and wrong, as it is an issue of how you want to live *your* life.

 

Your first step is to be prepared to leave. As they say around here "No consequences equals no reason to change". He may or may not change, you must be clear in your own mind what you will do when he does not, and what this will take.

 

Second step is make it clear that spending money you don't have and filling your house with crap that makes it impossible to live, cannot go on. He does not have to agree. He just has to see that you have reached a decision on this. As another poster said, stop enabling.

 

I am not saying, get all shouty and immediately bundle all his crap into plastic bin bags and throw them out, tempting though that may be. I am saying, make it clear that he himself must control his behaviour, purge the house with your help or alone, and seek help for his condition. All three. Or you will leave. The calmer "The Talk" is, the more impact it will have, the clearer it will be. The more heated, the more anxiety, his and yours, will be stirred up. Now you don't have to go out of your way to avoid his anxiety - indeed you should not, that's what has allowed this situation to perpetuate - but don't mistake this for an opportunity to let rip with a decade of resentment either. It is in your interest to remain calm.

 

As an aside, my wife's mother grew up in austerity and collects, or mayore correctly refuses to throw away, things that are now considered garbage. Elastic bands. Plastic bags. String. She is but a mild case compared to her own mother, who in family legend collected string sorted by length and had a drawer labelled "bits of string too short to use". My MIL is a dear woman in many ways but an infuriating trial to her children in many others. It is not really amenable to logic: at some level she knows it is silly though there are always many rationalisations, but deep down it is her emotions and anxieties that are in control.

 

An aside: I speculate that the dogs are much more your concern than your husbands, and that they are in some sense a counterbalancing focus for you. This comes from your statement " I am seriously considering suggesting we divorce and go our separate ways thought it would break my heart to give up my dogs and a hobby I love.". What you didn't say was "..a hubby I love" anywhere, which may be telling. Dogs are not a reason to stay married. If you put the logistics of their care above sorting this issue out, then you and he are peas in a pod.

 

Overall what I am saying is your big problem is not with him, it is with what you will put up with. I myself was a world class enabler, out of cluelessness and a degree of moral cowardice, of the mental health problems of my first long term partner. Also in my marriage: which has improved only because while being prepared to leave, I put my foot firmly down.

Edited November 16, 2013 by TiredFamilyGuy

[geordielass]

A severe compulsion is not amenable to logical discussion, and is not so much an issue of right and wrong, as it is an issue of how you want to live *your* life.

 

Your first step is to be prepared to leave. As they say around here "No consequences equals no reason to change". He may or may not change, you must be clear in your own mind what you will do when he does not, and what this will take.

 

Second step is make it clear that spending money you don't have and filling your house with crap that makes it impossible to live, cannot go on. He does not have to agree. He just has to see that you have reached a decision on this. As another poster said, stop enabling.

 

I am not saying, get all shouty and immediately bundle all his crap into plastic bin bags and throw them out, tempting though that may be. I am saying, make it clear that he himself must control his behaviour, purge the house with your help or alone, and seek help for his condition. All three. Or you will leave. The calmer "The Talk" is, the more impact it will have, the clearer it will be. The more heated, the more anxiety, his and yours, will be stirred up. Now you don't have to go out of your way to avoid his anxiety - indeed you should not, that's what has allowed this situation to perpetuate - but don't mistake this for an opportunity to let rip with a decade of resentment either. It is in your interest to remain calm.

 

As an aside, my wife's mother grew up in austerity and collects, or mayore correctly refuses to throw away, things that are now considered garbage. Elastic bands. Plastic bags. String. She is but a mild case compared to her own mother, who in family legend collected string sorted by length and had a drawer labelled "bits of string too short to use". My MIL is a dear woman in many ways but an infuriating trial to her children in many others. It is not really amenable to logic: at some level she knows it is silly though there are always many rationalisations, but deep down it is her emotions and anxieties that are in control.

 

An aside: I speculate that the dogs are much more your concern than your husbands, and that they are in some sense a counterbalancing focus for you. This comes from your statement " I am seriously considering suggesting we divorce and go our separate ways thought it would break my heart to give up my dogs and a hobby I love.". What you didn't say was "..a hubby I love" anywhere, which may be telling. Dogs are not a reason to stay married. If you put the logistics of their care above sorting this issue out, then you and he are peas in a pod.

 

Overall what I am saying is your big problem is not with him, it is with what you will put up with. I myself was a world class enabler, out of cluelessness and a degree of moral cowardice, of the mental health problems of my first long term partner. Also in my marriage: which has improved only because while being prepared to leave, I put my foot firmly down.

 

Thank you for this. It has helped me to take a step back and think about how to tackle this issues and I agree with all the points you have made. I have learnt over the years that shouting and screaming has no affect whatsoever and it is better to remain calm in his presence. The dogs certainly are my way of trying to rebalance things and are probably keeping me in this house and making it difficult for me to leave. I guess I have started to resent my husband and know this is not healthy for either of us. I made a start on Sunday to deal with the issues in our marriage and the house.

 

Firstly I went away for the day so I could have some space and thinking time alone. I think I have come up with a way to try and resolve things. We have been considering adding a pedigree puppy that another breeder has offered to us. The puppy wouldn't start living with us until the New Year if we decide to take her. My husband has set his heart on her, though given the current situation I am prepared to let the opportunity pass by if things don't improve. I saw preparing for the possible new addition as a way of telling my husband that the house must get tied up as she will need space for her crate and we have started to talk about how we can declutter the house and what items need to go. So far I have his cooperation with this and I made a start tonight. Three bags of rubbish have gone into the bin and without any objection from my husband.

 

So that I am not caring for the dogs on my own, my husband has also agreed to share dog walking (I also saw this as a way of getting him to channel his energies into something else other than shopping).

 

So far so good and he seems to be enjoying his walks. While I was at work today, he took a couple of dogs out by the river and he met a friend of ours today with their dog and they ended up going for a cup of tea. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that things continue to head in the right direction but if not I have told my husband I will leave and a decision will get made as to what happens with the dogs and if most of them get rehomed.

[Eivuwan]

Good for you OP, Good for you.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

OP

 

I wish you clarity of thought and the strength to enact your decisions. Good luck. You did well to try distraction - your spouse seems restless when shorn of a purpose, perhaps that has contributed to the displacement activity of shopping for tat.

Edited November 21, 2013 by TiredFamilyGuy