When your Spouse doesn't let you know...

[winterpast]

So I am wondering if anyone has had similar issues and may be able to give me insight.

 

My husband is a salaried manager. He can decide to work his normal scheduled shift or tack on a longer day whenever he feels like it. I don't care if he's working 8 hours or 17 hours, as long as he lets me know!

 

I've brought up some things to him that bother me about how he communicates these things but he seems to think I'm asking too much for him.

 

Issue 1: He goes to work at 7am. I call he around 6pm and ask if he knows what time I should expect him home. He'll answer with "whenever I get done with my work" or "I don't know". I feel like by this late at night he should have some sort of an idea.

 

Issue 2: He has a day of the week that he goes in later at night to stock. This is something he will do till Open time the next day. He was going in at 9pm on these nights, so that's what I naturally expected. This time he had decided to go in at 4pm and wasn't going to tell me.

 

He's on the phone with his Assistant Manager and letting her or any other Manager know when he is planning to be there and how long but he doesn't tell me?

 

He swears up and down that he told me but finally realized it was his staff he told and never relayed the info to me. He will text and call and talk with whomever at the store all the time but barely communicates with his own Wife.

 

I don't know how I can get a job if he can't communicate his schedule with me. I need to know when he will be able to care for our son.

 

Honestly, I think he got spoiled with being able to just come and go as he pleases because I'm home to take care of our son.

 

He wants me to work but doesn't seem concerned with working with me on this!

 

Is this normal? Am I the one with the problem?

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't know how I can get a job if he can't communicate his schedule with me. I need to know when he will be able to care for our son.

I thought perhaps you were overreacting or unaware of the nature of some jobs until you mentioned you had a child.

 

Yes, you need to be able to make informed decisions about childcare. He should do a better job of letting you know.

 

Is he this poor at communicating in other areas?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Grumpybutfun]

winterpast:

Random thought: Once you get a job, he will have to be home, as this will tack onto his responsibilities. Is it possible that he is doing this (avoiding giving you details about when he will be home) so you won't get a job and he doesn't have to be home to care for his child, even subconsciously?

hmmm,

Grumps

[winterpast]

I thought perhaps you were overreacting or unaware of the nature of some jobs until you mentioned you had a child.

 

Yes, you need to be able to make informed decisions about childcare. He should do a better job of letting you know.

 

Is he this poor at communicating in other areas?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Communicating is one of the hardest things for him. He rather "bottle up" and be upset internally than to let me or anyone else know he is upset. Of course, after a while, he blows up.

 

If you ask him something like "why didn't you tell me about xyz" his goto response is "you didn't ask"

 

I think he tells himself that if he doesn't talk to me about anything then there's zero chance of an argument but what he doesn't understand that if we agree, it's because he didn't talk about it when it was current.

 

 

He says that he will "make it work" when I get a job, (meaning the childcare) but if it isn't possible to work out now then how will it work then?

[winterpast]

winterpast:

Random thought: Once you get a job, he will have to be home, as this will tack onto his responsibilities. Is it possible that he is doing this (avoiding giving you details about when he will be home) so you won't get a job and he doesn't have to be home to care for his child, even subconsciously?

hmmm,

Grumps

 

 

I think this is a possibility, since it's easier with the current arrangement of me not working.

[winterpast]

The site won't let me edit:

 

This is suppose to be:

 

I think he tells himself that if he doesn't talk to me about anything then there's zero chance of an argument but what he doesn't understand that if we argue (originally says "agree"), it's because he didn't talk about it when it was current.

[winterpast]

Grumpybutfun:

 

Also he is depending on our parents on both sides to pick up on most of the babysitting. So, he really won't be affected that much.

[2sunny]

He's disrespecting you.

 

It's terrible that he expects to keep info from you - basic common courtesy says he should allow you to understand where he is and what's going on.

 

Sounds like he's participating in ways that show avoidance tendencies and passive aggressive behavior.

 

I'd tell him- until he can EFFECTIVELY COMMUNICATE what his schedule is by allowing you to understand what to expect of his schedule on a CONSISTENT basis for two months straight - you won't be looking for any work.

 

He can't expect you to work when he doesn't communicate.

 

He also needs to start participating with your son on a level that is more involved - so when you are working - you understand that he knows how to take good care of him.

[winterpast]

He's disrespecting you.

 

It's terrible that he expects to keep info from you - basic common courtesy says he should allow you to understand where he is and what's going on.

 

Sounds like he's participating in ways that show avoidance tendencies and passive aggressive behavior.

 

I'd tell him- until he can EFFECTIVELY COMMUNICATE what his schedule is by allowing you to understand what to expect of his schedule on a CONSISTENT basis for two months straight - you won't be looking for any work.

 

He can't expect you to work when he doesn't communicate.

 

He also needs to start participating with your son on a level that is more involved - so when you are working - you understand that he knows how to take good care of him.

 

I agree. I've told him that there is no way I will be able to work if I don't have consistency from him. He says "ok then don't work". Problem is, I'm the one who has been pushing for me to get a job. The reason being that we are BROKE. Like can hardly buy groceries broke. If I work then that could improve things, obviously. I think since he's only here long enough to sleep, he's not really 'getting' it.

 

I think he's being disrespectful but he thinks I am being disrespectful as well, because he "busts his ass everyday to support this family".

 

In the past he has accused me of treating him like a paycheck...I don't understand that at all.

[crederer]

I had a job that had a schedule but a lot of times didn't know the exact time I was done. A lot of times I didn't know until the moment I was walking out the door.

[Lemonitaz]

Definitely bad communication skills. Did you have a specific type of job in mind- like one where you would have a set schedule, or would it be one that you worked different shifts everyday? I wouldn't like how he was communicating on this issue either, but I think my response would be to get a job and then give him your schedule. Since he has the flexibility, you can just be like "okay, I won't be home until 8pm Monday, Wednesday and Friday of this week so it's your job to deal with our son those days." Then you just put the problem of childcare back to him, instead of feeling like you're the one that has to arrange the schedules. Just a thought.

[janedoe67]

I'm sorry, but there IS no valid excuse for him not at least having the thoughtfulness to give you a ballpark of his schedule. The idea that you are supposed to sit around waiting with no clue about when he will be home is ludicrous. And honestly, my first thought on reading your initial post was what he might be doing in addition to working that he is trying to hide.

 

Something doesn't add up.

[janedoe67]

I had a job that had a schedule but a lot of times didn't know the exact time I was done. A lot of times I didn't know until the moment I was walking out the door.

 

So she's just supposed to be at the mercy of his "unpredictable" schedule?

[michelangelo]

I'm sorry, but there IS no valid excuse for him not at least having the thoughtfulness to give you a ballpark of his schedule. The idea that you are supposed to sit around waiting with no clue about when he will be home is ludicrous. And honestly, my first thought on reading your initial post was what he might be doing in addition to working that he is trying to hide.

 

Something doesn't add up.

 

two things.

 

1. Get a job if you want one and don't factor in his approval of your hours.

 

2. See if you can verify what exactly he is doing with those random hours. Why not drop in some night?

[winterpast]

Yes, if I want to work I will have to find something that will pay for daycare or try a weekend only schedule so the Grandparents are available to watch our son (they volunteered). DH might be able to set a couple of days during the week that he can use to watch our son but I don't want to tell an employer that I can work certain days and then have to go back on it. Plus, most jobs I have come across require a 100% flexibility on schedule and I obviously don't have that.

 

As far as what he is doing during these hours, he is working, no doubt about that. I do drop in anytime I want without notice and he actually wants me to come by because it means a chance to see us.

 

He took over a troubled store which is under staffed. They have a lot of pressure on him to be Mr. Fix It.

[winterpast]

Definitely bad communication skills. Did you have a specific type of job in mind- like one where you would have a set schedule, or would it be one that you worked different shifts everyday? I wouldn't like how he was communicating on this issue either, but I think my response would be to get a job and then give him your schedule. Since he has the flexibility, you can just be like "okay, I won't be home until 8pm Monday, Wednesday and Friday of this week so it's your job to deal with our son those days." Then you just put the problem of childcare back to him, instead of feeling like you're the one that has to arrange the schedules. Just a thought.

 

Won't be able to do the opposite schedule option just because his changes so much. I've been trying to find something that would be during the day on the same schedule every week so I can set up daycare. Otherwise, I'll have to find an employer that is ok with me only working Friday-Sunday. These requirements narrows my search on potential jobs since most that are hiring require 24/7 availability.

[Eggplant]

So I take it he doesn't join you and your child for dinner much...

 

Next time he's taking care of the child, just leave, and do your thing, and don't bother to tell him when you'll be back.

[winterpast]

So I take it he doesn't join you and your child for dinner much...

 

Next time he's taking care of the child, just leave, and do your thing, and don't bother to tell him when you'll be back.

 

No, his dinner is usually in the fridge when he gets home.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

Some practical suggestions:

 

If you don't have a mobile phone get one as it's easier for him to text than anything else: if it's wanting to avoid an argument that stops him phoning, then with a one-way message the anxiety threshold is lowered.

 

If it's just that he doesn't think: get a daily alarm on his phone. If it goes off and he's not on the way home, he has to text you.

 

Or, simply make him consume his own assumption. Act as though he is not coming home unless he tells you *in advance* that he is: no cooked dinner, you may be out/in bed, etc. He probably isn't thinking directly about this at all "I sometimes work late, what's the bother?" but if you make it clear for long enough that this has the consequence that you don't expect him home, then he will understand it is in his own best interest to adapt.

 

Do remember he is slaving away for the good of your family so cut him some slack for that. It's not like he's at the pub.

[winterpast]

Some practical suggestions:

 

If you don't have a mobile phone get one as it's easier for him to text than anything else: if it's wanting to avoid an argument that stops him phoning, then with a one-way message the anxiety threshold is lowered.

I have asked this of him. Just a simple text is all I need but also needs to be advance and not an hour after he's already running late.

 

If it's just that he doesn't think: get a daily alarm on his phone. If it goes off and he's not on the way home, he has to text you.

He does this for work reminders but doesn't seem to want to do it for home reminders.

 

Or, simply make him consume his own assumption. Act as though he is not coming home unless he tells you *in advance* that he is: no cooked dinner, you may be out/in bed, etc. He probably isn't thinking directly about this at all "I sometimes work late, what's the bother?" but if you make it clear for long enough that this has the consequence that you don't expect him home, then he will understand it is in his own best interest to adapt.

I don't know if I want this to be the consequences I want to give him but I will not be able to contribute to the income if he doesn't work with me on scheduling for the sake of our son.

 

Do remember he is slaving away for the good of your family so cut him some slack for that. It's not like he's at the pub.

I am cutting him slack, I'm not calling and chewing him out or starting fights. I simply ask him how will I be able to work if he doesn't know when he will be home to take care of our son. Otherwise, he can work however he wants, I'm tired of trying to change it and have just accepted it as long as our son is taken care of, even if that means I continue to stay home.

 

He gets taken care of. House clean, food cooked, clothes washed, etc. I take out the garbage, do the house repairs and everything else. All he has to do is come home, eat his dinner, go to bed, and do it all over again. All I ask is, if you like this kind of life best then find a way that I can just go to the grocery store without borrowing money. Otherwise, take on some more responsibility so I can make us money too.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

Sounds like there may be unsaid things like

-He thinks you are trying to control him by wanting him to predict things he cannot predict

-You think he is trying to control you by denying you the ability to plan

 

So, sigh, communicate.

 

"I don't know if I want this to be the consequence"

One thing is for sure "No consequences equals no reason to change".

 

As it is his schedule that is unreliable not his whim to work late, then the only problem is that he does not let you know when he knows himself. "He does this for work reminders but doesn't seem to want to do it for home reminders." is not a good excuse, and I say this as a guy who often used to work late unpredictably. He must understand you are not attacking him but just wanting his help to control your life, which also matters.

 

One thing I can't understand - these texts you want, won't enable you to get a job, which you mention as what you want. Is your underlying beef with the unpredictability of his work? Excuse my being obtuse - please make it clear.

[winterpast]

Sounds like there may be unsaid things like

-He thinks you are trying to control him by wanting him to predict things he cannot predict

-You think he is trying to control you by denying you the ability to plan

 

So, sigh, communicate.

 

"I don't know if I want this to be the consequence"

One thing is for sure "No consequences equals no reason to change".

 

As it is his schedule that is unreliable not his whim to work late, then the only problem is that he does not let you know when he knows himself. "He does this for work reminders but doesn't seem to want to do it for home reminders." is not a good excuse, and I say this as a guy who often used to work late unpredictably. He must understand you are not attacking him but just wanting his help to control your life, which also matters.

 

One thing I can't understand - these texts you want, won't enable you to get a job, which you mention as what you want. Is your underlying beef with the unpredictability of his work? Excuse my being obtuse - please make it clear.

 

I try to explain to him what I need in attempt to communicate. Whether or not he takes it at face value, is hurt by it or misunderstands me--he's not telling me. I don't know his side because he will agree with me outloud even if he doesn't inside.

 

I've told him he can talk to me whenever about whatever but the topics he chooses are about his work. He can talk hours about it.

 

As far as the consequences, I mean, I will get a passive aggressive result from him.

 

And with the text messages, it was a request I had asked of him in the past when I was wanting to know if I should expect him for dinner. It's not a requirement for me to work, I would need a set-in-stone commitment a week prior.

[winterpast]

Here is something that happened two months ago:

 

I was given the opportunity to work for a day as an extra. Not something I am really interested in but it was paid. The night before I set up childcare options. I was going to drop my son off with the Grandparents and DH was to pick him up after work. DH was suppose to get off at 1pm and pick up our son. I even spoke with him at 12pm and verify this and asked him to keep in contact with my Mother if something were to change.

 

My scenes were wrapped around 5pm and I am on my way home. I try DH on the phone and never got an answer. I call my Mother and she tells me that our Son is still with her and she has not heard from DH.

 

I pick my Son up and head home. I'm freaked out and think DH has had an accident. I call his work and was told he left on time.

 

I get home and DH is asleep in the bedroom. I asked him WTF happened and he says that he was going to take a nap before picking up our son and must have forgotten to set an alarm.

 

 

So tell me, who is the one that is not communicating?

[Eivuwan]

Here is something that happened two months ago:

 

I was given the opportunity to work for a day as an extra. Not something I am really interested in but it was paid. The night before I set up childcare options. I was going to drop my son off with the Grandparents and DH was to pick him up after work. DH was suppose to get off at 1pm and pick up our son. I even spoke with him at 12pm and verify this and asked him to keep in contact with my Mother if something were to change.

 

My scenes were wrapped around 5pm and I am on my way home. I try DH on the phone and never got an answer. I call my Mother and she tells me that our Son is still with her and she has not heard from DH.

 

I pick my Son up and head home. I'm freaked out and think DH has had an accident. I call his work and was told he left on time.

 

I get home and DH is asleep in the bedroom. I asked him WTF happened and he says that he was going to take a nap before picking up our son and must have forgotten to set an alarm.

 

 

So tell me, who is the one that is not communicating?

 

I mean, if he's that disorganized and stubborn, you really just have find a job with regular hours and make sure there is someone to take care of the kid when you're not there. I don't know what else you can do to get him to change other than maybe leaving him.

[winterpast]

I mean, if he's that disorganized and stubborn, you really just have find a job with regular hours and make sure there is someone to take care of the kid when you're not there. I don't know what else you can do to get him to change other than maybe leaving him.

 

That's what I'm trying to do, I get frustrated with the situation because I would have more job options with a more open availability.