Which is the bigger mistake?

[lucy_in_disguise]

It's a fact that many marriages don't work out well. Many failures can probably be attributed to the partners' lack of "skills"- whether that's communication problems, or unrealistic expectations.

 

But it seems there are also many people who feel like they simply married the wrong person. I am wondering about this group.

 

Which is the bigger or more common mistake? Marrying someone who is compatible but you may not be 100% "in love" with? Or marrying based on your feelings when there may be some unresolved issues?

 

Obviously, a good rule of thumb is to avoid marriage until both requirements (passion and compatibility) are fulfilled. Based on my observations, I'm not sure this is always the case. Many marriages are likely somewhere in the middle of the spectrum for one or both elements.

 

Which missing element do you think is more common? Which leads to the greatest dissatisfaction/ regrets?

[alwayshopful]

It's a fact that many marriages don't work out well. Many failures can probably be attributed to the partners' lack of "skills"- whether that's communication problems, or unrealistic expectations.

 

But it seems there are also many people who feel like they simply married the wrong person. I am wondering about this group.

 

Which is the bigger or more common mistake? Marrying someone who is compatible but you may not be 100% "in love" with? Or marrying based on your feelings when there may be some unresolved issues?

 

Obviously, a good rule of thumb is to avoid marriage until both requirements (passion and compatibility) are fulfilled. Based on my observations, I'm not sure this is always the case. Many marriages are likely somewhere in the middle of the spectrum for one or both elements.

 

Which missing element do you think is more common? Which leads to the greatest dissatisfaction/ regrets?

 

I feel like i was very compatible with my ex husband however he had attributes that I disregarded and that might be the same with my current bf. We try as humans to be kind and understanding and to give people the benefit of doubt and not to let our expectations be too high in order not to be disappointed. I think we are fooling ourselves most of the time. I am confused really on how this all should be approached...it all feels right sometimes and then the walls fall down around us.

Edited November 13, 2013 by alwayshopful

[underwater2010]

My opinion marry based on feeling with issues unresolved.

 

Feelings change throughout a marriage. That spark that you have when you start a relationship fades. Better to be compatible and on the same page.

[pteromom]

Both passion and compatibility are common to be missing in marriage. And either can lead to dissatisfaction based on the people involved.

 

Some people are able to be very happy in a marriage based on friendship without much romance, and others feel they are suffocating like that.

 

Some people thrive on the drama that comes from high passion in love and war, and others hate chaos and only crave peace.

 

The most important thing is that both people are similar in what they want out of a relationship, or are willing to compromise and grow to make each other happy.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Pteromom, I think that is a good assessment, though it does not necessarily help me figure out where I fall on the compatibility/ passion spectrum.

 

In an ideal world, everyone would wait for a relationship with both elements strongly present. However, there is another factor in the equation, which is time. For people (women) who want to build a family, I believe there is a strong incentive to figure out where we fall, what we can and cannot accept, early on. After that, it's finding (settling for) a person who brings the right balance. But no matter who you pick, I believe there is compromise.

 

My problem is that I still haven't figured out where I fall- and I'm not that young anymore. I seem to be unwilling to compromise.

 

I have been in great relationships with one foot out the door because it didn't "feel" right enough- the connection was not strong enough- even though the relationships seemed to have potential for longevity, and brought me contentment. It's great to date great guys and being treated right is something I look for and believe I deserve. But sooner or later, without the strong connection, I start to feel suffocated. I crave something deeper.

 

When seeking relationships, I think the compatility criteria is easier to utilize. I'm not sure how to look for someone I connect with while also having a laundry list of how I want him to perform.

 

I wonder if the connection is less important with age. It seems the practical side is more pertinent when building a life with someone... Kids, careers, aing parents, health issues bring on a host of challenges for which it would be helpful to have a reliable partner. On the other hand, having someone by your side who "gets" you through it all would make it worth the challenge.

[pteromom]

When seeking relationships, I think the compatility criteria is easier to utilize. I'm not sure how to look for someone I connect with while also having a laundry list of how I want him to perform.

 

Well, if you are up for it, let's discuss your laundry list. There are some "practical" things that have to stay on the list. You don't want to end up with someone who is a loser or drug addict... but other things can be crossed off and you wouldn't miss them in a long-term relationship. So what's important to you, and what are you unwilling to compromise on?

 

I wonder if the connection is less important with age. It seems the practical side is more pertinent when building a life with someone... Kids, careers, aing parents, health issues bring on a host of challenges for which it would be helpful to have a reliable partner. On the other hand, having someone by your side who "gets" you through it all would make it worth the challenge.

 

Yeah, you have to have some of both. I definitely don't think connection is less important with age, but it depends on how you are defining connection. Like you said, someone who "gets" you - that's SUPER SUPER important. Probably the most important thing of all. But the passion and butterflies and all that jazz... that comes and goes throughout the stages of a marriage, so expecting that to remain high is not realistic for most people (though - I do have a couple of friends in long-term marriages who are still all starry-eyed for each other and very happy. So it's possible!)

[lucy_in_disguise]

Pteromom, thanks for the feedback.

 

Thinking about it more, it's not so much that I have a laundry list, as I am extremely risk averse when it comes to choosing a partner- perhaps irrationally so. I look for guys who by my assessment are not likely to cheat on me or leave when the going gets tough.

 

My assessment of this risk is probably somewhat arbitrary. Qualities which indicate low risk to me are: very family-oriented, parents happily married, religious or at least very ethical, easy to please (man of simple needs), good relationship "skills". By skills, I mean stuff like willing to compromise, willing to go to therapy, understanding of the fact that relationships take work.

 

In a nutshell, I don't trust other people's feelings and thus look for guys with a strong sense of right, wrong, and obligation.

 

Maybe that's a messed up way to approach dating, and it's tripping me up. When I am lookin for someone who is happy to be married to just about anyone who treated him right, I can't expect to elicit feelings specific to me.

 

But in my opinion people who are not relationship types, are a poor gamble for marriage. You want someone who is into the institution, not just in love with u.

[janedoe67]

Don't you know? the worst mistake someone can make is having an affair. Once that happens nothing else matters.

[thinkingofhim]

I think all anyone can do getting married is try to be optimistic and hope for the best, after all divorce statistics are on the rise so it seems to me many people aren't marrying the right person for them ...

[lucy_in_disguise]

You know where I tend to see this statement made the most? When I'm reading infidelity support boards and married people in affairs are making this claim.

 

Seems they tend to rewrite history and suddenly believe that they married the wrong person now that they've found their 'soul mate.'

 

God, that's so cliche.

 

Are they rewriting history? Or finally being hOnest with themselves?

 

I'm not excusing the cheating, but perhaps the whole mess could be avoided if the soulmate thing was figured out before marriage?

[pteromom]

My assessment of this risk is probably somewhat arbitrary. Qualities which indicate low risk to me are: very family-oriented, parents happily married, religious or at least very ethical, easy to please (man of simple needs), good relationship "skills". By skills, I mean stuff like willing to compromise, willing to go to therapy, understanding of the fact that relationships take work.

 

In a nutshell, I don't trust other people's feelings and thus look for guys with a strong sense of right, wrong, and obligation.

 

 

 

I think you are approaching dating very logically. It's a good foundation rather than going the other way (looking for connection first and ending up in a passionate relationship that drives you crazy.)

 

Take your current list there as a foundation, and add "connection" on top of it, and there you go. If you date this nice guy you describe up there, go on, ohhh, 3-5 dates with him, and you still don't find yourself wanting to be physical and feeling butterflies for him, then just cut him loose.

 

When I am lookin for someone who is happy to be married to just about anyone who treated him right, I can't expect to elicit feelings specific to me.

 

And here, you lost me. Why would you want someone who is happy to be married to just about anyone? A guy can have all those characteristics you describe above, and still want the connection too, just like you do.

[xxoo]

As long as there are no deal breakers (cheating, lying, addiction, other massive character flaws that destroy relationships), I'd rather have a passionate relationship with some conflict than a comfortable relationship with no passion.

[pteromom]

Oh, and I wouldn't necessarily keep "parents happily married" on your list. Some of us learn very well what we DON'T want our marriage to be like through our parents.

[Lauriebell82]

Is anyone ever 100% compatible? I don't know, maybe. I would think that marriage may get very old and boring after awhile. I believe that resolving conflict and problems leads to a stronger bond and proves that the couple is able to stick together and work out their differences.

 

 

Did I marry someone I'm 100% compatible with? Nope. Does he have character flaws that drive me nuts? Yep. But so do I. Nobody is perfect. There is a saying that goes "being happy doesn't mean everything has to be perfect. It means you've been able to look beyond the imperfections." Or something to that effect.

[Mcle]

Are they rewriting history? Or finally being hOnest with themselves?

 

I'm not excusing the cheating, but perhaps the whole mess could be avoided if the soulmate thing was figured out before marriage?

 

There is no such thing as a single soulmate. There are many people who you could "choose" to be happy with. Happiness in marriage does not come from being with the "perfect" person, it comes from two people who are equally committed to making the other partner happy.

 

As for whether cheaters are "finally being honest with themselves" no, not usually. If you read the accounts of former cheaters they almost universally figure out too late they hated themselves rather than their partner or marriage.

[bwright42tx]

Oh, and I wouldn't necessarily keep "parents happily married" on your list. Some of us learn very well what we DON'T want our marriage to be like through our parents.

 

Can your parents be "Happily Married" and still be a bad example for a relationship? Or are you saying they fake the "Happily Married" part?