Opposite sex friendship

[What4]

Wanted some thoughts on opposite sex friendships. Quick background story I am married and have a child and started working with a guy and we quickly became friends well now a year or so later we still work together and are really close friends. He is also married. I don't see anything wrong with friendship, we talk a lot due to working right beside each other and flirt some too. I just wanted some thoughts on the situation

[ComingInHot]

Working relationships = Not "friends"

Flirting = Not friends

Married to another = Not friends w/opposite sex

Book = "Not just friends"

You = Read

 

Good = Luck*

[oldshirt]

The fact that you had to write in here to tell us about it and ask us our thoughts on it, automatically means that there's more to what's going on inside your heart and in your jay-jay than what you are telling us. You are basically giving us the watered down and churched up version of what's going on and you are wanting us to tell you it's ok and that you are justified in going down this path.

 

It's only human to feel some attractions and desires for the people we encounter and interact with during the course of our day. It's how we handle it and deal with it that matters.

 

If left to continue a wink here turns into nudge-nudge there. A little flirt here turns into a bolder flirt next time. The bolder flirt turns into an innuendo and private joke. The private joke turns into a swat on the shoulder. The swat on the shoulder turns into brush across the forearm (you see, we are having physical contact now) The brush on the forearm turns into a stroke across the shoulders and so on and so on and so on.

 

Where it turns into an issue is it is inevitable that some day you are going to be feeling neglected and unappreciated by your husband at some point. And you may be ovulating that day and are having a little spike in your sexdrive at the same time and this other man may enter the picture with a wink and a nudge and a flirtation that sounds an awful lot like a legitimate offer at a time you are feeling vulnerable and from there it's anyone's guess as to where things will go.

 

If you want someone to tell you that you can flirt and banter and get your strokes from someone at work that makes your jay-jay tingle, you are going to have to look elsewhere for your justification and green light. Take a half hour out of your day and read the infidelity section and the other man/other woman section and you will read story after story after story of how a simple work flirtation turned into a full-blown affair and marriages were permanently damaged or ruined.

 

If you look for one common thread in all of those cases, in almost every single last one of them there was a period of time where each person said the other was, "just a friend." and that "friendship" was allowed to take root and grow and flourish into something else.

[xxoo]

Opposite sex friends need to be "friends of the couple", meaning that they know your spouse and support your relationship fully. Spouses should always be welcome and never excluded.

 

Also, never do or say anything that you would do or say with your spouse present.

 

True friends respect their friend's marriages and spouses. Now is the time for candid truth: are you treating your spouse and his spouse respectfully?

[What4]

I'm not looking for justification I wanted outside opinions. I never intended for the friendship to become as close as it has. And I appreciate the answers you gave. As far of the feeling neglected by the other spouse and other things happening, it hasn't and both of us have had problems within out marriage and we've helped each other get through those issues. I just don't want to lose the friendship that we have

[d0nnivain]

I'm a flirty girl. It's like breathing & I don't mean anything by it. I'm happily married. My interactions with members of the opposite sex don't change in front of my husband's face or behind his back. To me there is a big difference -- although I can't put it into words well -- between flirting for the sake of a little harmless fun & flirting as an invitation.

 

I make new male work friends all the time because I work in a male dominated industry. It's really no big deal but I also don't consider these people good friends; we don't socialize much out of work; any personal converesations are superficial not deep; other than a handshake, there is no physical contact (Although I admit to having hugged 1-2 at funerals & one moments after he found out his wife had been in a head on car accident; I was the only woman in the room at the time & the guy needed a hug)

[CarrieT]

What4, I am a 50-year old woman who is about to be married and who has a lot of male friends.

 

The difference is that my fiancé knows all of them guys I am friends with and all the sorts of things I discuss with my friends.

 

The bottom line is this: Can you share with your husband every conversation you are having with your "friend?" If the answer is NO, than you know it is more than a friendship and it is inappropriate.

 

Your husband should be your best friend and if you can't bring your work-mate home to meet your husband and share in your friendship, than it is time to end the "friendship" because it has crossed the line.

[SerCay]

Totally agree with Carrie here..

 

Friends with opposite sex = ok, but only if > what carrie says.

 

Also, a true friendship will show its a friendship itself. You can be honest with yourself. You ALWAYS feel it when there's more than friendship. A lot of people just like the attention and then lie to themselves that its just friendship so they can lie to their SO's and not feel guilty about lurking attention from someone who is a bit more than just a friend...

[Sparta]

I love how she post on here, knowing she's already had an affair with him or is already planned either/or.... They Got words for women like you and you know what they are. that's okay do what you want at least have the balls to tell your husband first..!!! I forgot it's too late.. WOW what a concept, NO he doesn't deserve that.. I guess that would take all the fun out of it affair .. Sneak around, be dishonest destroye yours and families life ...

Edited November 4, 2013 by Sparta
So angry I couldn't even read it

[Realist3]

I never intended for the friendship to become as close as it has.

 

Famous last words. "It just happened.", will be next.

 

You are already well along the path, and you know it. I'm not going to tell you whether to or not to, but you are there. In fact, you are probably already past 'there' and in an EA, even though still in denial.

[What4]

There has been no affair and no planning of an affair. If there had been I would have mentioned it.

[Realist3]

There has been no affair and no planning of an affair. If there had been I would have mentioned it.

 

I'm sure there hasn't ben any planning of an affair, there rarely is.

 

But, when you look at what you have said the warning signs are staring you in the face.

 

and both of us have had problems within out marriage and we've helped each other get through those issues. I just don't want to lose the friendship that we have

 

You are deeper in than you may be willing to admit, or even recognize.

 

That is not something that 'just friends' do. You should do some research on emotional affairs and see if many of those signs don't fit your situation. You might be shocked.

[whichwayisup]

Wanted some thoughts on opposite sex friendships. Quick background story I am married and have a child and started working with a guy and we quickly became friends well now a year or so later we still work together and are really close friends. He is also married. I don't see anything wrong with friendship, we talk a lot due to working right beside each other and flirt some too. I just wanted some thoughts on the situation

 

If there is sexual flirting with intent (meaning he turns you on, you rely on the flirting to make you feel good, you feel emotionally attached to him more and have more than platonic feelings for him) then YES this friendship is not a good one for your marriage. It'll make you naturally detach from your husband as you may spend too much time thinking of this opposite sex friend co worker. It's crossing lines and becoming an inappropriate friendship that could lead to other things..aka an affair.

 

If there's flirting and it's fun, your heart is not invested in it (totally platonic and you genuinally like him as JUST a friend), you don't think about him much and you still are very into your husband) then it's a healthy buddy friendship at work and it's not crossing lines.

[whichwayisup]

There has been no affair and no planning of an affair. If there had been I would have mentioned it.

 

Do you have feelings for him? Do you feel emotionally attached to him?

 

Honestly, you should be talking to your women friends about your marital problems, not your co worker who happens to have issues at home as well.

 

Question is, what are YOU doing to fix things at home? How bad are things with you and your H? What kind of support does this coworker give you? What type of advice do you two give one another?

 

Do you know how easy is it to fall into an emotional affair without intending it to happen?

 

Have you ever hugged him? Stood close to him and felt something? Looked into his eyes and had your stomach flip? If yes to those, then this is not a good situation at all. It's asking for trouble.

[Mr. Lucky]

There has been no affair and no planning of an affair. If there had been I would have mentioned it.

You're already having at least an emotional affair with him. Do both your spouses know the depth of the relationship, its "flirty" nature and that you're discussing marital issues with each other?

 

I'm guessing the answer is "no"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[beatcuff]

you know there is an issue: you are a new member and posed the question. the fact you are defensive rather than a 'never crossed my mind' attitude supports what the other posters are saying.

 

why did you pose the question.

[chucksagent]

I've got the key to a happy life...I offer it to all my friends and family and because they are stupid, flawed, human beings they ignore me....

 

Buddha taught it...Christ taught it...John Lennon preached it...MLK preached it...JFK preached it...Kurt Cobain preached it...

 

(hmmm all those people were assassinated and or killed somehow)

 

Essentially "Treat others the way you would want to be treated and be honest with yourself."

 

Not a SINGLE person in the world, no matter how liberal or proud or smug or heroic, would HONESTLY want their significant other, whom they love, to be flirting with another person. They just wouldnt...be honest with yourself, you wouldn't like it. So don't do it. Do unto others as you would want them to do to you.

 

You will ignore me though. The same way other people ignore my sage advice. It's the same reason I get made when people blame "luck" for their failures. The truth is, human beings allow emotion, private parts, and passion impact their decision making. If you boil this down to "do unto others" the solution is staring you in the face.

[chucksagent]

Another piece of sage advice...and I know the liberal/do-good'er young dudes on here will fight me on this...and ladies, this may be hard to hear...

 

But guys DO NOT enjoy your company in friendship. Men and women are too different. For crying out loud, MARRIED COUPLES have a hard time keeping things to do and talk about. This whole male/female friend stuff is for the birds...and it's for 1) Women to get attention and 2) Single opportunistic men to make plays on spoken for women.

 

With any rule, there are exceptions. 2 couples who always hang out together, the guy/girl from each will clearly enjoy a friendship. Pre-existing childhood friendships...etc. Some exceptions do apply. But think about this, MOST guys lose touch with lifelong male friends, and MOST women lose touch with lifelong female friends...it's hard maintaining a friendship when everyone gets busy. So how realistic is it REALLY that a guy and girl wanna go through all that "just for the friendship." Not very realistic.

[karnak]

Another piece of sage advice...and I know the liberal/do-good'er young dudes on here will fight me on this...and ladies, this may be hard to hear...

 

But guys DO NOT enjoy your company in friendship. Men and women are too different. For crying out loud, MARRIED COUPLES have a hard time keeping things to do and talk about. This whole male/female friend stuff is for the birds...and it's for 1) Women to get attention and 2) Single opportunistic men to make plays on spoken for women.

 

With any rule, there are exceptions. 2 couples who always hang out together, the guy/girl from each will clearly enjoy a friendship. Pre-existing childhood friendships...etc. Some exceptions do apply. But think about this, MOST guys lose touch with lifelong male friends, and MOST women lose touch with lifelong female friends...it's hard maintaining a friendship when everyone gets busy. So how realistic is it REALLY that a guy and girl wanna go through all that "just for the friendship." Not very realistic.

 

TRUE!

 

Speaking on my behalf I don't have a problem in mantaining a healthy, non-sexual relationship with a woman.

But I have to agree that most women (90%? ) can't mantain a serious friendship with a man. I had a female friend. We were friends for 17 years. More like brother and sister, really. She even went to some rough patches in life and aknowledged that I had saved her life.

 

Guess what? She, out of the blue, decided to leave the country to pursue her life goals (ie: abandon her parents, go abroad to earn more money and find a rich guy). Well, 17 years completely wasted in a heartbeat. I honestly can't see a man do that sort of thing to another friend.

 

The bottom lesson: she was just using me for attention and advice. Now that she reached her goals, she's discarding me like some wives discard their husbands.

[Solcita2]

I haven't read all the replies... althought I'd like to say a couple of things.

 

As long as your interactions with this man are the same when you're alone and when you're in front of your husband, I wouldn't see a problem.

 

All my life I had more male friends than girls friends... and that did not change when I became involved with my F. However the dinamics of the friendships did change...

 

When my BestFriend and I were single we would go out together all the time, movies, dinner, and would speak about guys and girls all the time (we were also working in the same place). Then I left the place and our interactions were more on the phone or online.

Then he got a gf... and I became her friend as well, althought the primary friendship was always with him... and we would chat and speak individually too (something I did not do with the GF unless we were together in the same place)... however we did not go out by ourselves as before... And I think that's natural... dinners and movies now are for his GF. (When we used to go out it was more like "I'm bored, what about a movie", it wasn't a date AT ALL).

 

Then I became involved with my F and they did not make friends with each other but mostly because we didn't see each other that much and when we did we would meet in a group reunion or something... our friendship was not in troubles either...

 

Then he moved with his GF, I went to see the place by myself... then they moved again and she left the country. Once I went to have dinner with him and then to have icea cream in the new appt. Neither my BF or his GF had a problem with it... (the only one who thought it was not appropiate was my mother actually).

 

HOWEVER: WE NEVER FLIRT... WE ARE MORE LIKE BROTHER AND SISTER THAN MAN-WOMAN... And that night I went over we spoke A LOT about his situation with his GF and my recent move-in with my BF... I didn't see anything wrong... and it was only ONE night out by myself...

 

In the other hand, last year my F and I almost broke up because of his friendship with a girl... but that was a total different story... he was "helping" her with something for school and would spend the night over there working... if I offered myself to help I was rejected and so on... that was NOT one night out... that was ALL NIGHTS OUT... totally diff situation...

I don't think he slept or had anything with her... however that friendship WAS NOT appropiate for a guy in a commited relationship... even if the friend was a guy it was wrong in so many levels... it got to the point where I said "don't bother to come back, what's the point?" I was feeling he only came home for a shower and changing clothes actually...

 

Two completely different situations and different kind of friendship... yours it's kinda in the middle... I think you should think about what you'd think if that guy-friend would be your husband with another lady... would it be OK?

Edited November 7, 2013 by Solcita2

[denise_xo]

My husband and I both have opposite sex friends, who we also see separately (in addition to meeting them as a couple). What you describe, however, is an emotional affair.

[JamesM]

I "liked" more posts on this thread than probably any other I have read.

 

You have been given good advice.

 

As was mentioned (and I could probably say this to most of what I am saying), you asked the question because you wonder if the two of you are too close.

 

IMO, no, one cannot have a close friendship with a member of the opposite sex without the danger of an affair presenting itself. The WORST possible friendship with the opposite sex is when you actually confide the marital problems to each other. Then the danger is viewing the friend as the perfect alternative to an unhappy marriage.

 

I have a couple of female friends that are not friends with my wife. Well, let me change that....they know my wife and like and respect her. This also means that they not only won't cheat with me, but they guard me against cheating. One friend got really mad at me (not my fault) when she saw another girl flirting with me. "Did you see how she was moving her butt to get you to watch her as she walked away? And you watched her? And did you see how she looked at you? I would be mad if I were your wife!" Wait...you ARE mad and you are not my wife. When I told my wife, she laughed and was not mad or worried, but I know she felt good that this friend cared enough to tell me because of her (my wife).

 

Only once did I make a comment that implied that my marriage might be less than perfect to this friend. It just came out in response to something she read, and she was astonished. I laughed off the comment and we moved on. She also has never mentioned problems in her marriage (if there have been any) even though she talks about her own problems frequently. I know her husband and would not mess with his wife. I like our friendship too much.

 

So with you.....having this friendship and mentioning marriage problems is a recipe for disaster. That familiarity can cause someone to cross a line without meaning to do so.

 

And from the male perspective....having had women tell me their marriage problems....it does make a guy look at the woman differently. (My favorite is the girl who told me, "My husband is impotent." What am I supposed to do about that? ) I either become wary of being with her alone or I wonder if she is looking at me differently. Some guys do think HE has the answer and sometimes he thinks he IS the answer to the problem. When a person is emotionally vulnerable, then stuff occurs that would not normally occur. Such implied advances that would normally be ignored now may seem attractive.

 

All I can say is...be careful. To help prevent any future problems, share all that you talk about with your husband. Tell him all about this friendship. Be certain he has met this guy and has been properly introduced. And you should become friends to some degree with his wife. I always did this with my secretaries, and they usually became an ally with my wife. It not only made them back off from me, but they also kept any other women from getting too close....by warning me. ("Your wife would NOT like how you look at her." Again, sorry....my intentions are good. ) If I had mentioned any marital problems to them, then they would have listened, BUT they would have taken my wife's side and I would have been in worse trouble!

 

If a friend whether male or female and respects your life including your marriage at all times (and that means doesn't flirt while the husband or wife is away any differently than if the wife or husband is there), then he or she is a true friend. Any other "friend" cannot be considered a friend.

[jimmytwowheels]

Help my husband cheated and found out... it's a thread by a user named Sophie something or the other. Basically it's a really good idea to read that thread and see what you stand to lose. Because you will lose a lot. It already sounds as though you are taking steps into dangerous territory. You have a connection that you really shouldn't at this point, and if you continue down this road, you will expose yourself to a sitauation that might NOT result in cheating, but also might.

 

You know you're crossing lines, or are about to. The fact is as well, in general, guys don't want to be friends with women. I can tell you I and most of my friends don't. What could I possibly get from a woman that I can't get from my partner? Why would I need that friendship?

 

Stop, now. Distance yourself, and make it permanent. You're nearing the precipice.

[bubbaganoosh]

As far of the feeling neglected by the other spouse and other things happening, it hasn't and both of us have had problems within out marriage and we've helped each other get through those issues. I just don't want to lose the friendship that we have

 

 

Right there! What you said in the quote. "Both of us have had problems in our marriages and helped each other get through those issues."

 

My husband doesn't understand how I feel. My wife doesn't understand how I feel.

 

Your husband is lucky to have someone like you. Your wife is lucky to have someone like you.

 

I should have looked for a guy more like you. I should have looked for a woman like you.

 

Look sweetie. You got problems in your marriage, seek professional help. They call them marriage counselors. Not your new found male friend. Think I'm kidding you? Go to the infidelity sections of this forum that was suggested by another poster and read how one thing lead to another and where it got them.

 

You think that your smarter than the rest of them? They thought so too and what they got at the end was a ton of "You ain't seen nothing yet" kind of trouble where your now facing friends and family explaining why your now living in a efficiency apartment or a motel and wondering what the hell happened. You better think twice and come back to reality before it's too late and your on the outside looking in on what was once your marriage.

[Snowflower]

Well What4, you've received a lot of advice here on your thread. And, did you notice that everyone is saying the same thing?

 

What say you?